Kevin Can Wait, Season 1

[first lines]

Donna:
Hey, there you are. Since it's your retirement party tonight, if the leaves in the front yard got raked up today, that'd be great.

Kevin:
Oh, that'd be unbelievable.

Donna:
What happened to, "I got you"? I mean you're home now. You have nothing but free time.

Kevin:
But that's the misconception about retired people. Some of us are very active, like me. I got the guys coming over 11:00 for a little day drinking. Then we're all gonna learn how to use crossbows.

Jack:
Hey, Dad?

Kevin:
Yeah.

Jack:
I probably shouldn't go to school today. I-I think I got a concussion from football.

Kevin:
Jack, you play "Madden" football.

Jack:
Yeah. but yesterday I got excited, and I hit myself in the face with the controller. I'm still not right.

Sara:
He's got be a huge letdown after me, right?

Kevin:
I got to be honest. Neither of you knocked it out of the park.

Donna:
Okay, I think what your father means is we love you both. Now, backpacks are packed. Let's go. Have a great day.

Sara and Jack:
Bye.

Kevin:
Love you. Goodbye. Be good, okay?

Donna:
Oh, I got you a little retirement gift. I mean, if you have time in your schedule.

Kevin:
I will move some things around. Let me see. What do you get?

Donna:
To a great cop, for a job well done. It's a Gyro Bowl.

Kevin:
Oh, I know what it is, Donna. It's the bowl that won't spill. How did you know I wanted it?

Donna:
Every time the commercial came on, you kicked out your legs and you screamed.

Kevin:
Yeah, and it worked because now I have one. All right. Let's test this baby out. We got to start small. Let's try some pretzels, okay?

Donna:
I was worried that when you retired, we'd be bored. Okay.

Kevin:
Now, give me a scenario where I might spill it. Come on.

Donna:
Okay, you're on a fishing boat, having a snack.

Kevin:
Oh. I like that.

Donna:
Yeah.

Kevin:
Oh. look... look at that. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Donna:
Look at that. Oh. But the water's choppy.

Kevin:
Oh, is it choppy?

Donna:
No, it's choppier than that. Oh. Yeah, ooh, ooh. And then... And then a huge wave smashes into you! Oh!

Kevin:
Oh, nothing! Nothing!

Donna:
All right, I want to do it. It's my turn.

Kevin:
Okay, uh, we got to kick it up a notch, though. Let's go with uh... We're going with ketchup.

Donna:
Okay. All right, great. All right.

Kevin:
Ready?

Donna:
Oh, see, this is why I love you. You had no fear.

Kevin:
Yep.

Donna:
Okay, good. All right. Now you give me a scenario.

Kevin:
Okay, now, you are a prostitute. You... Wow, I'm sorry. I don't even know where that came from. I don't even...

Donna:
Wow is right. Oh, and you know what? How about I am a school nurse who's about to be late?

Kevin:
You're not a prostitute. You're a princess. Yeah, no, no you're a good princess. Seriously, no, you're a princess who donates to charity, and you started your own foundation.

Donna:
I got to go.

Kevin:
Oh.

Donna:
I love you. Bye.

Kevin:
For 2 decades, we protected and served. Now we rule these streets.

Jack:
Dad, my seat's wobbly.

Kevin:
Yeah. That's 'cause I added it last night and the light wasn't too good. But (clears throat) Hey, listen, if we get separated, just meet back at the house, all right? You're gonna be good. 3, 2, 1! Go!

[The go karts are racing to the street. They shoot paintballs in dad's hat. The two go karts are racing to the street again.]

Kevin:
Enjoy the bushes, goody.

[The go kart destroys the swimming pool. The go kart drivers shoot paintballs in the plumber's underwear.]

Plumber:
Aah! Come on!

Kevin:
On the right.

[Dad shoots paintballs to Kevin Gable. A man drives the stroller with a baby. The go kart stops.]

Dad:
Lookout!

[A man shoots paintballs in dad's hat.]

Kevin:
Yeah! Woo hoo!

[The go karts won the race.]

Kevin:
Yeah, baby! I win!

[final lines]

Kevin:
Spending a couple of days at the Motts' taught me, I really don't appreciate all you do for me around here. And I just want you to know from now on, I'm gonna start doing a lot more for you.

Donna:
Well, having your brother here for a few days made me a lot more thankful for how little you do around here.

Kevin:
He tends to go overboard, you know. At least, you finished your list.

Donna:
Isn't it nice? Yeah, everything's done. And now, we can just sit here, with the tree and the decorations, and just relax.

Kevin:
It's pretty great.

Donna:
Yeah. Your brother's at the window, isn't he?

Kevin:
Yeah, he's there.

Donna:
Shouldn't we just let him in?

Kevin:
No, no. It's like feeding a stray cat. You can't do that.

Donna:
Babe.

Kevin:
All right, fine, it's Christmas. Go around!

Donna:
Go around!

[final lines]

Ending Theme: Don't want no sweet perfume. Check your fender, bust your moon. Don't want no high heel shoes. I just don't want no.