L.A. 7

Hannah:
Thank you. Thank you. Erm, first of all, I’d like to thank my co-stars the marvellous Leonardo DiCaprio... Hi, babe. ...and um, the gorgeous Brad Pitt who are absolutely wonderful!

Bradley:
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Well, I’m Ch... uh... I’d like to thank the director for casting me as the new James Bond and I’ve got to say I’m looking forward to the sequel where I get a chance to snug Britney Spears. Thank you very much. (blows a kiss)

Rachel:
To be honest, I was a bit worried about the shower scenes, but Mr. Spielberg shot them in the best possible taste. Thank you, Steven. This is for you. (blows a kiss)

Jo:
Hey. Um... Yeah. I just want to say it’s brilliant to receive this award for best ballsy blown with a spanner in an action movie and, um, yeah. I’m chucked to bits. Thanks a lot. Cheers.

Jon:
It was a great honor for me as an English actor to be asked to play the role of the young John F. Kennedy. I thank you all and the academy. Thank you.

Tina:
My commiserations go to the other nominees Gwyneth Paltrow, Julia Roberts who just weren’t quite good enough to win. (blows a kiss)

Paul:
I’d like to say a big thank you to the American academy for this award for best actor ever, in everything. (clears throats) And I’d also like to say that I’m going to share it with the rest of S Club 7, but I’m not going to. Na-na-na-na-na!

Jo:
Scuse me. Hi. We’re trying to find Ridgeback Woods. What, are you gonna start going weird on us as well?

Mike:
You wanna find Ridgeback Woods?

Jo:
That’s what I just said, you hoof.

Mike:
There’s something I need to know.

Mike:
Well, they say that some actors were given a camera and sent out into the woods to make this movie, but some people who disappeared in the woods while making a movie.

Hannah:
Sounds spooky.

Bradley:
Sounds confusing.

Jon:
Sounds like it’s been done before.

Mike:
Then when the lights start to fade, that’s when the weird noises started to happen.

Bradley:
(hiccups) Oh. Sorry. Fizzy lemonade.

Jo:
Go on.

Mike:
Anyhow, they go out of the woods and they started to make this film. Well, pretty soon they got lost in the night. That’s when the weird things started happening.

Mike:
First, one of them disappears.

Man:
I’m so scared.

Mike:
Then they all disappeared.

Man:
There you are.

Mike:
The only thing that was left was the tapes from the film that they were making, and the tapes from the other film that the other people were making when they disappeared.

All:
Wow.

Tina:
So they disappeared up their own film.

Mike:
Nobody knows. But there’s this website where you can read all about it. At least there was a website.

Paul:
Don’t tell me and that’s disappeared as well.

Mike:
Exactly. Scary, huh?

Paul:
Well, I still want to go and see if my relatives are still living there.

Mike:
If they are still there, I’m pretty sure they won’t be living.

Tina:
Paul, are you sure you know where you’re going?

Paul:
Yeah. We’ve just gotta turn left again.

Tina:
We just turn left again.

Jo:
We turn left again and then we turn left again.

Jon:
Paul, I think that’s one more again than we should have turned.

Paul:
Look, don’t worry. All right?

Tina:
Is this it then?

Rachel:
Paul, if this is where your relatives lived, they must’ve been trees.

Bradley:
Right, this is very interesting. Now let’s go.

Paul:
There is a small problem.

Jo:
What?

Paul:
We’ve run out of petrol.

All:
Oh.

Tina:
How can you run out of petrol, you complete muffin?

Jo:
You realize that if you don’t put the petrol in the car. It stops.

Paul:
All right. It’s not my fault. I forgot to look at the petrol gauge.

Rachel:
So what are we gonna do now?

Bradley:
Jo’ll fix it.

Jo:
It’s run out of petrol, Bradley. How can I fix that?

Bradley:
I don’t know. Maybe you could, um, change engine up a little bit and make it run on some word or some leaves or... (slaps himself) or some mashed-up mosquitoes.

Rachel:
Yeah, right.

Jon:
Bradley, why don’t you ever talk any sense?

Bradley:
Because it’s too easy.

Rachel:
Next to you to suggest that we dig for oil and turn that into petrol and put that in the car.

Hannah:
You’re right. That’s ridiculous.

Rachel:
Exactly.

Hannah:
How are we gonna dig without a shovel?

Jon:
Look, guys. There’s only one thing for us to do. Some of us are gonna go and look for some petrol while the other guys stay here.

Bradley:
What? We’re going then?

Jon:
Well, I think Paul should go.

Paul:
Why me?

Jon:
Because you’re the one that forgot to look at the petrol gauge.

Paul:
But Jo forgot to look at the petrol gauge as well, so why doesn’t she go?

Jo:
Cos I weren’t driving, you hoof. What about Rachel?

Rachel:
Why me?

Jo:
Cos you get spooked easily. This might help you get over it.

Rachel:
Oh thanks, Jo.

Paul:
What about Jon?

Jon:
Or Bradley?

Bradley:
Or maybe Hannah.

Hannah:
What are you saying me for?

Bradley:
Because no one’s mentioned your name yet.

Hannah:
I could even see you mentioned that.

Bradley:
Yeah, but you just sit there all the time, right.

Tina:
(screams then calms down) Now listen. We’ve got to decide what to do. Now, what are our choices?

Rachel:
Oh yes. Our choices. Well, our choices are either we can sit here in the spooky woods for hours and die or we can go for a walk in the spooky woods for hours and die.

Jon:
Not really, um, much of a choice there, Rach. That’s kind of like saying “Should we sit here and wait for big monster to come and bite our arm off, or make a monster walk for a little bit...and then let him bite your arm off?”

Rachel:
I’ll make it walk, definitely.

Bradley:
Yeah, but it’ll probably work up more of an appetite and end up eating your other arm as well.

Rachel:
That is a good point. Stay here definitely.

Paul:
Well, I’m gonna look for some petrol. So who’s coming with me?

Rachel:
Bye.

Jon:
See you later.

Hannah:
See you later.

Paul:
Take care.

Hannah:
You too. Bye, Rach.

Jo:
Bye, Paul.

Paul:
Take care.

Rachel:
Be careful.

Hannah:
You too. Are you sure you want to go?

Rachel:
Yeah. I mean I’ve never really been that brave, so I guess I better start now.

Jo:
Make sure you don’t disappear.

Hannah:
Do you think we’ll ever see them again?

Jon:
Of course we will.

Jo:
Well, I hope so.

Bradley:
Yeah. Me too. Paul still owes me a fiver. What?

Hannah:
If you’re a monster, who would you eat first?

Jo:
Probably not you. You’re too stringy.

Hannah:
Oh, that’s good.

Bradley:
It’d probably have you for a starter.

Hannah:
Do you think so?

Jon:
Yeah. I think it’ll probably have Hannah as a starter and then me as a main course.

Jo:
Bradley for pudding.

Bradley:
You saying I’m fat?

Jo:
No. I’m saying you’re sweet.

Hannah:
You might be vegetarian.

Jo:
Nah. What’s the point in having a vegetarian monster? Only be able to scare vegetables. It’s not very monstrous.

Tina:
Let’s sing.

Paul:
What?

Jo:
What?

Hannah:
Let’s sing a song to scare away the monstery things.

Rachel:
Well, we might as well. It couldn’t hurt.

Newscaster:
Tonight on CBC Newsline, from the infamous Ridgeback Woods which has so far claimed the lives of 15 documentary camera crews. We report an amazing story of Survival. We reveal how the English Pop Group the S Club 7 actually went into those spooky woods and stayed for the entire night without disappearing. We go now to an eyewitness report.

Mike:
I warned them not to go in the woods. They insisted on it! They’re cool. They’re pretty cute too.

Newscaster:
Was it brave? Or was it reckless? Or was it all part? More on this incredible story after these words.

Jon:
So, Paul, we never did find where your relative lived.

Paul:
No, no. Well, it wasn’t Ridgeback Woods. It was, um. It was some other woods. Does anyone wanna go there?

All:
No, Paul!

Jon:
(reading) Camp Elysium. Proprietor: Blair Beasley, Ph.D. “Cogito Ergo Sum.”

Jo:
Blimey, you can say that again, mate.

Jon:
No, I don’t think I can actually.

Bradley:
What does it mean?

Tina:
Roughly translated. He who pops first, pops loudest.

Bradley:
I thought I recognized it from somewhere.

Tina:
(Explaining about Classical rules to Jon) It got rules.

Paul:
Beasley made the performances part of the deal. No performance, no check.

Tina:
On the other hand, rules were made to be broken.

Hannah:
Well, I’ve never had a day quite like that before.

Jo:
Nor me. Talk about brainy kids. It’s like spending the hold-down Who Wants to Be a Millionaire without any chance of winning the money.

Jon:
Yeah, or phone your friend.

Hannah:
Do you know what I reckon the real problem in this place is?

Jo:
What?

Hannah:
It’s not that the kids are too smart or too brainy. It’s that Beasley in the pairs you send them. They are so keen on getting on so well. They’ve just forgotten to let ‘em be kids.

Jo:
She’s right.

Rachel:
Jo, I think we’ve got to do. I think we’ve got to help them get in touch with their childish side.

Jon:
Hmm. How are we gonna do that?

Rachel:
Oh, I don’t know. Get in touch with our childish side.

Hannah:
And here it comes!

Paul:
So does this look cheap enough?

Jo:
Well, if it isn’t, we might as well go to the nearest dog Simon right now kennel off the ground.

Jon:
Right. Come on, everybody. Let’s try and look cheap.

Bradley:
Sound tricky. Maybe we better, um... send Rachel first.

Rachel:
Someone help me rip Bradley’s head off. (strangles Bradley)

Paul:
Oi! Come back with my socks, you jughead!

Jon:
So where’s Bradley then?

Jo:
Um, he got run over by rollerblader.

Tina:
Is he hurt?

Paul:
No. He’s just milking it for all his words. You know Brad. After one, we used to call him at college.

Jo:
Oh, Random Violence! I wanna go and see that.

Hannah:
I don’t want to go and see Random Violence. I hate Tommy DeWitt movies.

Jo:
How can you not like Tommy DeWitt? He’s probably sexy.

Hannah:
Oh, come on. He’s not even a good actor.

Jo:
Bother about that. Someone’s good acting. I can watch Bradley telling us why he ain’t done the washing up. Tommy’s gorgeous.

Hannah:
Oh. He’s just a big talentless haircut with expensive dental work and about half the sex appeal of R2-D2. Now there’s some quality dental work.

Hannah:
How’s your makeup?

Rachel:
Mmm. Pretty good...for an amateur.

Hannah:
Hmm.

Rachel:
I can’t believe you’re getting ready to go out on a date with Tommy DeWitt.

Tina:
Especially when you’ve always said he was a big talking haircut with no talent.

Hannah:
Yes, but that was before he turned up at my apartment wanting to go out with. Mm.

Jo:
Well, hurry up. I wanna get out there before the guys scare Tommy off.

Rachel:
That’s the one.

Hannah:
Yeah.

Rachel:
Paul’s nearly ready. He’s very excited.

Joni:
Ooh, that makes two of us. (Referring to Paul) Um, now I will have him home by 11:00, and is there anything that he doesn’t eat?

Rachel:
Hmm... Tin cans.

Jo:
Washing machines.

Tina:
And that’s about it.

Paul:
Hi.

Joni:
Hi. Well, let’s party.

Bradley:
Grubs up. (giving Jo a burger) Burger for you. (giving Hannah a burger) Burger for you. (giving Tina a burger) Burger for you. (trying to give Paul a burger but he doesn’t) And burger for you.

Paul:
No thanks.

Bradley:
What?

Paul:
I don’t like fast food.

Bradley:
Yes you do.

Paul:
No, no, no. Linda said...

Jo:
Ugh! I knew it.

Paul:
What?

Hannah:
You don’t like playing cards. You don’t like fast food. You don’t like normal clothes.

Bradley:
Is there anything you do like doing?

Tina:
According to Linda?

Paul:
Yes. I like reading the newspaper and having serious political discussions.

Jo:
Fascinating. I’m off to bed.

Tina:
Me too.

Paul:
Me too. Apparently, I like having an early night.

Jon:
Paul, what she says on TV when she’s reading the news. That’s all fact. But what she said this evening, that’s just her opinion.

Rachel:
Do you see the difference?

Paul:
No. Because Linda’s right about everything.

Bradley:
I don’t think so, bro. (holding up a magnifying glass) Yeah. Look at yourself recently, Paul.

Rachel:
Paul, look. I know you really like her, but you gotta do what you think is the best. Not just anything Linda tells you to do.

Paul:
Mr. Walters!

Mr. Walters:
Can’t you see I’m busy?

Paul:
But we’re a band, Mr. Walters.

Hannah:
The S Club 7, Mr. Walters.

Jo:
And we want to sing you a song.

Mr. Walters:
Troup. Hey, no way.

Rachel:
What? We bought you presents.

Mr. Walters:
Well, maybe. Hit it!

Chorus:
girls, boys: S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party)

Gonna show you how (Everybody, get down tonight) (Oh, yeah, yeah)

S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party)

Gonna take you high (Shake your body from side to side)

Mr. Walters:
Ha, ha! Let’s have enough. But not bad at all. And then get out of here.

Hannah:
No, wait. We’re singing at the high school prom tomorrow night.

Tina:
Would you come and see us?

Mr. Walters:
Which school?

Bradley:
West Beverly High.

Mr. Walters:
Really? My son goes there.

Jon:
Oh, great. So does that mean you’re gonna come and see us soon?

Mr. Walters:
Well, you know, I’m not sure the thing is my son doesn’t have a date for the prom.

Rachel:
Oh, that’s a shame.

Mr. Walters:
I said my son doesn’t have a date for the prom.

Rachel:
Yeah, I heard you the first time.

Mr. Walters:
No. I don’t think you did. My son needs a date for the prom.

Paul:
That’s okay. Rachel will go with him.

Rachel:
What?

Mr. Walters:
How kind of you to offer he accepts.

Rachel:
No, listen. I’m really sorry, but I can’t take your son to the school prom. I already had... (Jo stamps Rachel’s foot) Ow!

Paul:
I saw her foot! She was just gonna say she’s got a sore... uh!

Mr. Walters:
No problem. My son’s not that good dancer, anyway. Leave your address with the secretary. We’ll pick you up at 7pm.

Rachel:
Thanks a lot, guys.

Bradley:
Well, Rach, it’s for the good of the band.

Hannah:
Oh yeah, and don’t worry about Sam. We’ll take care of him.

Rachel:
Yeah. That’s what worries me.

Jon:
Oh my god! There she is!

Jon:
She’s perfect.

Jo:
She always walked a bit slowly though, didn’t she?

Hannah:
How come he can never catch her up with two walks so slowly?

Sam:
Hey.

Rachel:
Hi.

Sam:
The door was unlocked downstairs so I just let myself in.

Rachel:
But you’re early. 2 hours early.

Sam:
Oh, I’m sorry. You’re not ready yet, are you?

Rachel:
No. But, that’s not the problem. I have something to tell you. I’m afraid I can’t go out with you tonight.

Sam:
You’re not going?

Rachel:
No. Well, I am going, but... Well, it’s a long story, but basically I have to take Billy Walters.

Sam:
Billy Walters?

Rachel:
I’m sorry. I really am, but so you don’t have to go alone. I’ve found an alternative date for you.

Sam:
Oh thanks, but no thanks. If I can’t go with you, then I’m just not gonna go at all.

Rachel:
Well, at least let me introduce you before you make up your mind. (to Jo, Tina and Hannah) Girls?

Jo, Tina and Hannah:
Hi, Sam.

Sam:
Th-They are my date? All of them?

Rachel:
Yep.

Sam:
This is the happiest day of my life.

Sam:
So, why don’t you tell me about yourselves?

Sam:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys! One at a time, okay? Why don’t we start with you, Jo?

Jo:
All right. Um, but first of all, I’m a bit hot, so can you take my jacket?

Sam:
Sure.

Tina:
Yeah, and I’m a bit cold, so can you go and get mine?

Hannah:
Ugh! I don’t like that. Can you get me something else? Something orangey, but not orange juice or squash and nothing with bubbles.

Jo:
Ah. Get some other one of those, will ya? I’m parched.

Sam:
Okay. I’ll be right back.

Jo:
I want chips. English chips. Not American chips.

Hannah:
And get me a sandwich, will you? Not from here. From the deli across the road.

Tina:
And take my jacket and get me another drink!

Sam:
All right. Okay.

Jo:
And hurry up about it. We’re on stage in a minute.

Tina:
Time when you are, isn’t it?

Hannah:
Yeah, he’s quite hot.

Jo:
Yeah.

Sam:
(sighs) What a nightmare.

Paul:
Well.

Bradley:
My wa? Where’s your mystery woman?

Jon:
Oh, her! Oh, well, you know, she was great and, and it was great.

Paul:
And?

Jon:
And well, you know how it is. You know, we had a great evening and then, then she asked my phone number and she said she wanted to see me again and, well, you know what happens when you commit to another day then you end up like married with 18 kids in a mortgage.

Paul:
She chucked it, didn’t she?

Jon:
Yeah. She’s with Billy.

Jon:
It was love at first sight.

Hannah:
Oh, I’m sorry.

Jon:
That’s okay.

Tina:
You know, the best way to deal the situation like that is to behave with dignity and grace.

Hannah:
Maturity. Good humour.

Jo:
Yeah, you know what they say. Live and let live.

Tina:
Look. There’s Rachel.

Hannah:
She’s with our date!

Jo:
I’m gonna kill her. (pushing Jon and Bradley out of the way) Oi! Rachel!

Jon:
Guys, see. It’s just like I was telling you. The tiles on this side of the counter are just the same as the tiles on that side.

All:
Oh.

Jon:
Oh, Joni. Hi. What a pleasant surprise.

Joni:
All right, everybody. Out from behind the counter, pronto.

Joni:
And bring your wallets.

Alphonse:
Kids. They’re like mice. They get in through the smaller spaces.

Hannah:
Can I always see it’s probably known... (sneezing)

Alphonse:
Gesundheit.

Hannah:
Thanks.

Joni:
That’s it. That’s all you have. You guys, I’m looking for the rent here. Not a tip for the bus, boy.

Jon:
Look, Joni. We are trying. We’re really looking hard for some work, aren’t we, guys?

All:
Hm.

Jon:
Aren’t you?

All:
Yes!

Joni:
All right, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do here. Instead of throwing you out, I’m going to go proactive. I’m going to help you guys to help yourselves and in turn, help myself to...

Bradley:
Help yourself to what?

Joni:
To half your wages. Now here’s the deal, a friend of mine just called and asked if I knew 3 sensible kids who wanted to do some house sitting.

Hannah:
And do you? Because if you don’t, then I’m sure I might know some...

Paul:
Hannah.

Bradley:
House sitting? Is that like when you sit around someone else’s pool? You eat with their food and you get paid for it.

Joni:
No. That’s where you watch somebody’s property in a conscientious and professional manner.

Hannah:
And then you sit around the pool all day munching their food.

Joni:
Okay. Well, there’s 2 kids who obviously have other working plans for the next few weeks.

Hannah:
No. We were only joking.

Bradley:
Yeah. We are sensible. In fact, that’s what the SNS Club stands for.

Tina:
Too late. You’ve blown it.

Bradley:
Oh.

Jon:
Hello? Oh, hi, Jo. How are you doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’re having a great time. How about you?

Jo:
(speaking to Jon on the phone) It’s brilliant. It’s a lot of fun.

Jon:
You want us and come and see you?

Jon:
Well, um, I’m not sure what we’re doing tomorrow.

Jo:
Well, only if you feel like it. I mean it’s no big deal.

Rachel:
Yes.

Jo:
We’ll have a party about 8 o’clock.

Jon:
Wicked. No worries. See you tomorrow.

Jo:
Okay then. See ya.

Jon:
Bye.

Jo:
Why does everyone have to keep saying that?

Rachel:
Oh, isn’t this nice one of us living together again?

All:
Yeah.

Jo:
Good dinner, Tina.

Tina:
Pleasure.

Rachel:
Yeah. It’s not much, but it’s home.

Paul:
Especially now we’ve managed to pay for it for once.

Rachel:
Paul, you can stop being sensible now.

Paul:
Okay.

Rachel:
Paul, we’re trying to have a private convention here.

Paul:
Just treat me like I’m not here.

Jo:
That’ll be easier if you’re gone.

Jon:
Paul, GET OUT NOW!

Pizza Delivery Lady:
Extra-large, extra thick crust with everything on it.

Paul:
With extra everything?

Pizza Delivery Lady:
Uh-huh.

Paul:
Thanks.

Pizza Delivery Lady:
Enjoy your meal.

Paul:
Cheers. Oh, and, (giving her a dollars) There you go. Ah.

Jon:
So, I just told him that I wasn’t gonna be intimidated by him. You know, cos he’d forgive in 2 thugs and bullies then we’re society, and I warned him. I told him if her kept on pushing me, then there’d be consequences. So I just stood up to him and he walked away.

Rachel:
But not before he changed Jon’s with big arm wrestling contest tomorrow which Jon accepted.

Jo:
That is so brave, or is it just stupid?

Paul:
(holding the camera) Jon, man on the brink.

Jon:
Yeah, of extinction.

Paul:
No, but you didn’t really sell that stuff, did ya?

Jon:
No, and tomorrow I’m a dead man.

Bradley:
No you’re not. You just need a little bit of training, you know.

Jon:
Bradley, it takes months to train somebody.

Bradley:
It takes months to train a whole body. We did need to train your arm. You know, put it on some weights, special diet, just the rest of me have to be present because...

Jon:
That sounds really boring.

Paul:
No, no, no, no, no. Th-This is it. I have finally found the subject of my movie. The story of one man facing insurmountable odds, facing injustice or I feel an Emmy coming on.

Jo:
Well, get in the bathroom then, you hedge-pig.

Paul:
It will be a movie and gripping documentary and a fitting posthumous tribute to Jon.

Rachel:
Oh, don’t say that. I think he’s really got a good shot.

Jon:
Rachel, you’ve got more chance if I’m messing that guy into submission than I have.

Rachel:
What are you trying to say?

Jon:
Look, I’ve said I’m gonna be that so I will. I’ve got to show up on Muscle Beach at 5 o’clock tomorrow and ask B... What's his name?

Jon:
Ryan.

Jo, Tina and Hannah:
Ryan?

Bradley:
That’s it. Put your arms part to it. That’s it. Use your armed part and use your arms. Keep your back straight.

Rachel:
Jon’s getting really strong, you know. Last night, I saw him open the ketchup bottle all by himself.

Jo:
Actually, I started that for him.

Rachel and Hannah:
Oh.

Rachel:
Well, I really think he stands a chance, I mean I know Ryan’s big in everything but he’s stupid. No offense, Tina.

Tina:
He’s not stupid. He’s lovely. If only hadn’t had that dumb argument with Jon and Jon hadn’t accepted the stupid challenge. Just doesn’t seem like him.

Rachel:
Hmm. He is a bit out of character. You’re right.

Hannah:
It’s their hormones. Guys are programmed to behave like that. I’ve read it in just 17. They get all insecure when they think another guy’s invited their own territory. They’re like big monkeys.

Tina:
Monkeys?

Hannah:
Yeah. All snug in their tree until another monkey comes along then they get nervous for their bananas.

Jo:
Their bananas.

Hannah:
Yeah. I mean that other big ol’ monkey probably already has bananas of his own, but that doesn’t stop them feeling threatened.

Tina:
So I’m dating a big monkey.

Hannah:
Erm. Yeah. But a nice monkey. Your one’s the king of the swingers.

Tina:
A jungle VIP.

Hannah:
Mhm.

Rachel:
Hey guys, can we remember who we’re rooting for him in this contest?

Bradley:
That’s it, man. That’s... You’re out of breath.

Rachel:
What odds are they offering on Ryan?

Hannah:
It’s quite a crowd.

Jo:
Yeah, look at them. Animals baying for blood turn up just because they want to see a bit of pain and suffering. (to the woman) Oh nish! You’re in my seat.

Tina:
I forgot I was gonna say now.

Hannah:
Can someone tell me who are not talking to you? I can’t remember anymore.

Paul:
It’s me.

Rachel:
And me.

Hannah:
Oh. Thanks. Tell her thanks.

Bradley:
(to Rachel) Hannah says thanks.

Rachel:
Tell her it’s a pleasure.

Hannah:
What did she say?

Bradley:
She said it’s a pleasure.

Hannah:
Oh.

Bradley:
(to Jo and Jon) D’you know what, guys? I think it’s pathetic.

Rachel:
I know. We’ve never argued like this before.

Speaker of the Man:
(Off-screen) Ladies and gentlemen, coming up next the number of our resident band the S Club 7.

Bradley:
All right. Looks like we’re up next, guys.

Tina:
Yeah. So listen, are we stopping all this not talking? Not nonsense.

Paul:
But I don’t know. You better ask Bradley to ask Hannah to ask Jo... Yeah, I guess we are.

Tina:
Friends?

All:
Friends.

Hannah:
But why did he choose me? Everybody knows I meant to be the cutest one.

Paul:
Oi! I heard that.

Hannah:
Okay, apart from Paul. Everybody knows I meant to be the cutest. And I live more like new sound of the sorceress than neither of you two. So why did he choose me?

Jo:
Oh, I don’t know, Han. It’s just one of life’s great mysteries like... Where do corn circles come from?

Rachel:
Yeah. Why there ain’t no cure for the summertime blues.

Jo:
Yeah, and...

Tina:
Where’s Bradley? He knows I wanna rehearse routine for the new song. Where is he?

Jo:
Ah, I’m knackered. I sit now. I ain’t moving for the next 2 hours.

Joni:
Here are you.

Rachel:
Oh no!

Joni:
No, no. Why are your choice rehearsing?

Rachel:
We have been rehearsing, Joni.

Joni:
Oh no. I don’t mean like that little group thing. I mean for something important now. I have otherwise you guys to have a special skill like, er, juggler.

Rachel:
We can sing.

Joni:
Oh no, honey. You’re in L.A. Every waiter and their mother sings. We’ve got to find you guys something that makes you stand out in the crowd.

Hannah:
Ah. I can touch the tip of my nose with my tongue.

Jo and Rachel:
Ugh.

Joni:
Mmm. I wouldn’t go around boasting about that. Now let’s go out and find you guys a skill. Okay. Come on.

Bradley:
Where’s Rachel and Tina?

Hannah:
I think they got caught behind.

Jo:
Look, this is stupid. They keep running out at a landlady every time mentioned to you.

Paul:
You’re right.

Jo:
We’ve got to sort it out and get her act together.

Bradley:
She’s right.

Jon:
Look, guys. Our agent is rubbish. We might as well just concentrate on getting famous ourselves.

Paul:
You’re right.

Hannah:
He’s right!

Bradley:
She’s right.

Jo:
I’m right.

Bradley:
I’m right sometimes.

Paul:
ALL RIGHT! All right. I’ve had an idea. Let’s make a movie.

Bradley:
Heh. Why not? (chuckles) You got... (eats the camera)

Paul:
(clears throats) Detective, do you have a lead on these bank robbers?

Hannah:
Mm-hmm. Seems that they were 2 women.

Paul:
How do you know?

Hannah:
Because witnesses said that they saw 2 women robbing the bank so we figured that the robbers were 2 women.

Paul:
Nice work, Detective. Nice work.

Hannah:
We found a stick of a low-calorie gum at the scene so I guess that one of them is on a diet.

Paul:
Hmm. That reminds me. Lunch. I want Detective Lee and Detective McIntosh working on this case.

Hannah:
But, but they didn’t get all of each other, chief.

Paul:
Not my problem, Detective. (eating donut)

Jon:
I’ve been assigned as your new partner.

Bradley:
I don’t work with partners.

Jon:
You do now, McIntosh.

Bradley:
Listen up. I walk along, alright? I had a partner once.

Jon:
Yeah, and what happened?

Bradley:
I don’t wanna talk about it.

Jon:
You don’t wanna talk about it?

Bradley:
No.

Jon:
Look, the D.A. seems to think that you could use a little help on this case about catching those bank robbers.

Bradley:
Listen up, Lee. I don’t need your help! Alright?

Jon:
I know a guy that said that once.

Bradley:
Yeah. What happened to him?

Jon:
I don’t want to talk about it.

Bradley:
You wanna to talk about it?

Jon:
No.

Bradley:
So what do you wanna talk about?

Hannah:
Look! There they are!

Paul:
(bumping into Jo) Ooh!

Jon:
What’s happened?

Tina:
The lights have come out.

Hannah:
Oh. A dozen squid was just about to start.

Jon:
Oh no. My hair’s gonna look like straw.

Rachel:
Your hair always looks like straw.

Jo:
Shook. Just got to sit down and try and work this one out.

Hannah:
Jo! Stop trying to sit on my lap!

Jo:
Sorry, Hannah. I can’t see anything.

Hannah:
Obviously, you didn’t realize there’s a little bowl of guacamole in my lap.

Jo:
Ugh!

Bradley:
What is going on down here?

Paul:
We’ve burned the lights.

Tina:
Oh my gosh! If Joni finds out about this, we’re out.

Jon:
I have a strange feeling. She will find out.

Paul:
I can’t even see to sit down.

Bradley:
Yes we can. (Turning the flashlight on) Heh. Allow me to show you to your seats. (to Rachel) Madam, please no talking. (to Hannah) Chew quietly. (to Paul and Tina) Sir, madam.

Paul:
Thank you.

Bradley:
Show consideration for the other patrons...and enjoy the show.

Paul:
Where are we gonna get $200 from?

Bradley:
Well, we’re definitely ain’t gonna find down the back of the Scylla Marcie, that’s for sure.

Tina:
All I have to find a job, however stupid, however pathetic. We’ll each have to get a job and work really hard and raise the money.

All:
Mmm.

Jo:
Hey, Rach, have you still got the paper?

Rachel:
Mmm.

Bradley:
There you are, Rach. Here’s one for you. Professional dog-sitter.

Rachel:
No way! I’m a cat person. You wouldn’t get me working there in a million years.

Jon:
Well, there’s our regonades copies.

Jerry Parker:
I need those our obscure... (bumping into Jo) Oh. Oh. I’m sorry.

Jo:
Sorry.

Jerry Parker:
Gee. May I help you? This is my fault.

Jo:
Sorry. I’m not normally such a muffin.

Jerry Parker:
Hey. You’re English, right?

Jon:
Yeah. Yeah we are.

Jerry Parker:
And you’re looking for work. Then I may have the thing for you. Come with me.

Tina:
Hey! My mum’s just bought my dad a new extension lead for stripper. Now you can really get stuck into that scruffy bit of more grass bar in the shed. Isn’t that great?

Paul:
Wow. Epic.

Jo:
I think we’re getting into a rut here. I mean we’ve been in their life for months now and nothing seems to be happening for us.

Jon:
Yeah. I think we need to change.

Jon:
So this is it. The last day ever in our L.A. apartment which, to be honest, is actually quite sad.

Jo:
Well, it’s sad. It’s happy at the same time. It’s like... It’s like when it’s raining and the sun comes out at the same time.

Paul:
It’s quite poetic future, Jo. Very impressed.

Jo:
It’s good, isn’t it?

Jon:
And this is the living room. Been a lot of happy memories here.