Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Season 1

[An investigation into the sexually-motivated stabbing of a cab driver leads the detectives on a trail back through time to Bosnian war crimes.]

Stabler:
Okay, so it's not a robbery, but stabbings aren't necessarily sexual. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Is there a specific reason you called us out?

Detective:
Whoever did this sliced off his "cigar" and took it with him. Is that specific enough?

[Benson and Stabler look at the victim, then look at each other.]

Benson:
Works for me.

Jeffries:
Doesn't sound like there's much doubt on the COD.

Munch:
Do you think your conclusional pole vaults are personality- or gender-driven?

[After testifying in court, during which the defendant flashed the jury and was forcibly removed]

Benson:
Hey. How'd it go?

Stabler:
He's in Bellevue.

Benson:
Jury came back that fast?

Stabler:
He waved his flag at them before they had a chance. Nobody saluted.

Benson:
Question. Who'd want to cut your penis off?

Victor:
Take a number.

Victor:
[to Stabler] Hey. You doing anything Saturday night?

[He purses his lips and makes a kissing motion at Stabler. Stabler smiles.]

Stabler:
Oh, I'd hurt you.

Captain Cragen:
Didn't 2 of Spicer's married johns take a bust?

Benson:
Yeah, about 6 months ago. Vice was targeting the piers.

Captain Cragen:
I'm sure their wives must have been thrilled.

[Munch chuckles behind Cragen. Cragen turns to look at him.]

Captain Cragen:
What are you doing?

Munch:
Eavesdropping.

Captain Cragen:
Good, you're up to speed. What do you say you go interrogate a husband?

Munch:
Are we missing some key piece of information here?

Stabler and Captain Cragen:
Shut up, John!

Munch:
A military plane drops JFK's coffin into 9,000 feet of water 3 years after the assassination. You don't find that suggestive, perhaps even a tad disquieting?

Cassidy:
No.

Munch:
No? The Justice Department waits 33 years before they impart this tidbit on the American people, and then they say they did it because it wasn't evidence? What are you, sheep? Will you believe anything?

Cassidy:
[sheep-like] Naaaah.

[Jeffries enters the break room, where Cassidy, Cragen, and Munch are eating lunch.]

Jeffries:
You guys going to eat all this?

Munch:
Suppose we say yes.

Jeffries:
Suppose I'm just being polite.

Munch:
That will be a first.

Cassidy:
It's cool. John doesn't eat vegetables.

Jeffries:
Yeah? The way I heard, that's not all John never gets to...eat.

[Jeffries leaves with a container of Chinese food. Cassidy sucks on his fork.]

Cassidy:
Ouch.

Munch:
I'm never setting foot in the city of Baltimore again, as long as I'm on this mortal sphere.

Cassidy:
Why? You're rich. Did your 20, got your pension, and you're on the job here.

Munch:
I earned that pension with the sweat of my mind, while surrounded by intellectual insects. Not to mention the fact that I lost a wife after less than one night of connubial bliss to someone who was not only another detective, but a member of my own squad.

Captain Cragen:
We don't get to pick the vic.

[Benson is physical ill after visiting a horribly mutilated blind victim of Serbian ethnic cleansing.]

Stabler:
Remember that Tom Hanks movie where he managed the girls' team? [hands Benson a piece of gum] "There's no crying in baseball."

Stabler:
So you don't think she murdered him.

Benson:
[lying] No. I don't think she murdered him. She said she was in her office until around one. That was after he was killed.

Stabler:
And no one else was there.

Benson:
And no one else was there.

Stabler:
And no one else was there. That is an anti-alibi.

Benson:
Look. We know there are 2 killers, so. How are we going to find the other one?

Stabler:
You mean the other one who also didn't do it?

Captain Cragen:
I read the autopsy report. Now do you really believe that those 2 ladies were walking around with 5 and 7-inch knives in their purses every day?

Benson:
I think we did the one thing that's going to allow me to sleep tonight.

Captain Cragen:
You just used your "Get out of Jail Free" card on this case, Olivia. There's only one in the pack.

[The apparent murder of a solitary single woman resonates with Benson, who finds too many similarities between herself and the dead girl.]

[The squad is looking at pictures of the victim.]

Stabler:
8 stories up, 8 down.

Cassidy:
Looks like she was shot out of a cannon.

Cragen:
Guy on steroids?

Munch:
No, the Yankees are on a road trip.

Stabler:
Yeah, they're down in Baltimore, kicking a little Oriole ass.

Benson:
How about plain old testosterone-driven rage?

Jeffries:
Her boyfriend?

Munch:
Or girl. You could toss 100 pounds without breaking a sweat.

Jeffries:
Toss you, you skinny-ass geek.

Munch:
See? The rage?

Munch:
The whole thing's a pyramid scheme.

Cassidy:
What whole thing?

Munch:
Laptops. We've become a nation of laptoppers, writing orders on our laptops, more laptops- whatever happened to pens?

Munch:
[reading the title of one of the victim's articles] "How to build a better orgasm" in "Cosmopolitan." Somebody might kill for this.

Neighbor:
Excuse me. How long does that girl's apartment remain a crime scene?

Benson:
Why?

Neighbor's husband:
We're next on the list for a one-bedroom.

Benson:
Queens is a suburb? Since when?

Benson:
Yeah, I'm a regular monk.

Stabler:
Monkette.

Lawyer:
So you're an expert on sex crimes, is that correct?

Cassidy:
Well, we all have something to learn.

Lawyer:
I'm sure. Can you tell us the technical or "psycho-sexual" term if you will, for fondling a stranger?

Cassidy:
[hesitantly] Fromage...?

[Scattered laughter in the court.]

Lawyer:
I believe it's "frottage."

Cassidy:
Right. "Frottage."

Stabler:
This woman makes J.D. Salinger look like a Shriner.

Dr. Daniels's lawyer:
He was in Ms. Quinn's apartment briefly, at lunchtime, at her request, to attend to a crisis.

Benson:
Or an erection.

Dr. Daniels:
That's insulting.

Stabler:
Really. I thought it was the absence of one that was insulting.

Journalist:
What happened to Big Fatso? Coronary?

Stabler:
Nah, retired and moved to Florida.

Journalist:
Ah, same diff.

[Questioning a news anchor about his relationship with the victim.]

News anchor:
"Knew her." Does anybody ever really know anybody?

Stabler:
Don't get philosophical with us. You're just a teleprompter jockey; we're just cops.

Munch:
From the Greek, Cassidy, "Necro-", death, "-philia," love of. You try it.

Cassidy:
Necrophilia.

Munch:
Again.

Cassidy:
Necrophilia.

Munch:
Or "Egyptian Love" according to Henry Miller. Necrophilia.

Cassidy:
Necrophilia.

Munch:
Good man.

Benson:
[reading] "There's a tiny catfish feared more than the piranha. It's called a-"

Cragen:
Candiru.

Stabler:
Say what?

Cragen:
This is beautiful. Tell him.

Benson:
"It will swim right into a man's penis and lodge itself there by erecting sharp spines-" Ow.

Stabler:
[adjusts his seat] "Erecting sharp spines." There's a fish with a sense of irony.

Cassidy:
Did you know necrophilia is not only with dead people?

Benson:
[to Munch] Do you see what you started?

Cassidy:
No, I got it off the Net. Supposedly some famous actor out in Hollywood, hires hookers to lie in an ice bath. Waits until they turn blue with the cold before diving in.

Munch:
Let's move on. "Compulsive onanism."

Cassidy:
"Onanism." [chuckles]

Benson:
She was molested, you know that. That cold facade of hers?

Stabler:
Maybe it's just living in Colorado.

Benson:
She dresses more Fifth Avenue than Rocky Mountain.

Stabler:
I'm...having a fashion police blackout.

[When a young model is viciously attacked with a claw hammer and dumped outside a hospital, the SVU teams up with Briscoe and Green to investigate what happened.]

[as Stabler and Benson approach Vanessa's apartment, after Benson knocks, out come Detectives Lennie Briscoe and Ed Green]

Stabler:
Hey! Lennie Briscoe, what the hell you doin' here?

Briscoe:
We heard there was good dim sum down here. Say hi to my partner, Eddie Green.

[Briscoe and Green enter the SVU squad room.]

Munch:
Hey, Lennie.

Briscoe:
It's like a nightmare.

Briscoe:
You are looking at the fruits of 4 hours of dumpster diving along 59th Street. 9 dumpsters in all.

Stabler:
You trying to tell me the 2 of you went dumpster diving?

Green:
Hell, no. We supervised a couple of uniforms. I don't do disposable diapers.

Ken:
Hey. Uncle Lennie.

Briscoe:
[shakes hands with his nephew] Ken, good to see you. Say hi to Eddie Green.

Green:
[shakes hands with Ken] Hey.

Briscoe:
Listen, uh, cool it with the Uncle Lennie stuff around the station house. Okay?

Ken:
Yeah, so, what do you want me to call you?

Green:
Why don't you guys save this for family court?

Briscoe:
Well, just call me Briscoe.

Ken:
Well, what are you gonna call me?

Briscoe:
Briscoe.

[The murder of a young woman in provocative clothing leads detectives to uncover the presence of a pattern killer targeting prostitutes in New York City.]

Jeffries:
That's an open and shut case, Munch. Try not to screw it up with your insane rambling. And stop looking at my ass.

Stabler:
I'd never let my daughters go out dressed like that.

Benson:
Yeah, right. Just wait.

Stabler:
What does that mean?

Munch:
Back to the dead whore.

Jeffries:
Jerkwad, have some respect for the victim.

Munch:
Hey, I respect hookers. At least they earn their money up front, unlike ex-wives, who get you with that lucrative back-end deal.

Jeffries:
Oh, so you're saying all women are whores?

Munch:
Don't be ridiculous. I don't know all the women in the world.

Captain Cragen:
Children!

Captain Cragen:
When you were at the 3-1, did you know a cop named Sal D'Angelo?

Briscoe:
The 70s are a blur.

Captain Cragen:
Tell me about it. Closest I ever came to time travel.

Briscoe:
D'Angelo's a bastard. C'mon. So are you. So am I. We're all bastards.

[The murder of a travel writer brings detectives to concentrate on his landlord and her daughter.]

[After reading aloud an excerpt from a travel book written by the victim.]

Munch:
His wanderlust is one adverb short of Robert James Waller.

Jeffries:
"The Bridges of Madison County."

Cassidy:
That was incredible.

Munch:
How about incredibly banal? Short and muscular sentences displaying total absence of original thinking.

Cassidy:
I was talking about the movie.

Munch:
Unnerving, isn't it? That such a degrading death could overshadow such a remarkable life?

Cassidy:
It's like Rockefeller dying on top of his mistress.

Munch:
It's still my preferred way to go.

Stabler:
Drama's a major food group for teenage girls.

Munch:
It's true a good Mrs. Robinson's hard to find, but women maturing faster than men? Conspiracy. The government's been covering up the harmful side-effects of RBGH, a hormone that farmers are using to produce more milk.

Cassidy:
Like McGwire taking Creatine to bulk up, right?

Munch:
The farmers don't take the hormones, Cassidy. The cows do.

Jeffries:
So is there anything you just...accept?

Munch:
Yeah. Compliments.

Jeffries:
No wonder you're so skeptical.

Cragen:
Your feelings will always be a part of your police work. The more you try to deny that, the more control they'll have over you. We work with different permutations of sex all day, sometimes all night long. Don't worry when you feel something. Worry when you don't.

[A rape/murder at Cragen's old school pits detectives against a secretive administration determined to protect their prize basketball team, while Munch finds himself sympathizing with an intelligent suspect.]

Stabler:
What do you think we're looking for, a rock, a brick, maybe?

Uniform:
Who's going to look for that?

[Stabler and Benson look at him.]

Uniform:
Me?

Benson:
Yes.

Benson:
Blood alcohol level was .27.

Cragen:
Wow. Triple the limit. There was a time I yearned for a girl who could drink like that.

[Munch and Cassidy interview Mosley, a college basketball player.]

Munch:
So you and Jean studied French literature?

Mosley:
Yeah, why?

Munch:
Well, I mean, "Communications," "Basics of Broadcasting..." But Rimbaud?

Mosley:
Sure. I know that "First Blood" speaks of the existential angst of being jerked around by forces beyond your control.

[Cassidy looks bewildered. Munch and Cassidy leave the interrogation room.]

Cassidy:
...What did he say?

Munch:
What a wonderful job he thinks the police are doing.

[On being ordered to produce a semen sample.]

Basketball player:
I can't do this.

Stabler:
What, you have a fight with your right hand?

Stabler:
I never lived in a dorm. That's what I wanted to do. I even knew where.

Benson:
Where?

Stabler:
Are you ready for this? Everglades University.

Benson:
Everglades?

Stabler:
Yeah. Playboy magazine rated universities by their sexual temperature. E.U., always at the top of the list.

Benson:
Beautiful. I can see you had your priorities in order.

Stabler:
Thank you.

[Reporting on a sperm count of the 2 suspects.]

Jeffries:
Cougar and Mosley's little swimmers were shipshape.

Munch:
No kidding.

Jeffries:
Yeah- remember when, John?

Munch:
I could say the same thing to you, babe.

Carmichael:
What did they call it before we invented the terms "date rape" and "sexual harassment?"

Cragen:
"Boys will be boys?"

Carmichael:
I need physical evidence on the murder.

Cragen:
We'll need to recanvass the crime scene.

Carmichael:
Do that. Meanwhile, search his home and office.

Cragen:
I think I'm falling in love with you, Abby.

Lawyer:
C'mon, miss, you're badgering my client.

Benson:
It's "Detective," not "miss."

Mrs. Mosley:
[welcoming Cassidy and Munch into her home] Charles. It's Mutt and Jeff.

Cassidy:
[to Munch] Which one's Mutt?

[The SVU team is hit hard by the molestation and murder of an 8 year old boy, and attention focuses on a registered sex offender living in the neighborhood.]

Cassidy:
You ever think about having kids?

Munch:
Why, when I have you?

Munch:
Look, when something out of the ordinary happens, you look for what else is out of the ordinary before the out of ordinary happens.

Mark:
Don't patronize (pronouncing it patron-ize) me.

Munch:
Actually, it's pat-ronize.

Munch:
When I was a little kid, my parents told me never to eat sweets.

Cragen:
So as an adult you overcompensate?

Munch:
Yeah.

Cassidy:
I'm guessing your parents also said you should never get married.

Advocate:
Not all sex offenders are repeat offenders.

Stabler:
You show me a first time offender, I'll show you a guy who's never been caught before.

[An rape-homicide hits close to home when the victim is an Assistant District Attorney, and SVU rallies when the murderer fixates on Benson.]

[Munch gestures to Cassidy.]

Munch:
We've only been partners a few months but the man is starting to think like me. Only slower.

Cassidy:
Yeah, go ahead. Rain on my parade.

Munch:
I don't just want to rain on your parade. I want to blow up all the floats.

[Munch wiggles his finger through a doughnut at a parolee who was convicted of forcible sodomy and is currently working at a doughnut bakery.]

Munch:
Does this turn you on?

Parolee:
What do you want?

Munch:
Isn't it a little dangerous for you to be around all these helpless doughnuts?

Munch:
Guys, check this out. Teddy Kennedy lands in the water at Chappaquiddick on July 18th. Neil Armstrong lands on the moon July 20th. Think about that.

Jeffries:
And?

Munch:
You don't find that amazing?

Jeffries:
Nope.

Stabler:
You're learning, Jeffries.

Benson:
He's stalking her.

Cragen:
Impossible. We don't have a stalking statute in New York, ergo there's no way to stalk anyone.

[Upon hearing news that one of their suspects was found dead of an overdose in a small town by the Canadian mounties.]

Munch:
Poor guy.

Benson:
Poor guy?

Munch:
Imagine trying to score smack in a place called Moosonee. Must've been hell. Easier to cop yak turds.

Benson:
I sure as hell wouldn't drive to Queens to save your ass.

Stabler:
Yeah you would.

Benson:
Well, that's only because you have a wife and kids.

[The puzzling death of a heavily pierced and scarred investment analyst could be suicide, accident, or homicide. But the course of the investigation opens up a whole different can of worms when the victim's employer comes under scrutiny.]

Cassidy:
I don't get S&M. I mean, "Hurt me, that turns me on?" Come on, what's up with that?

Munch:
It starts with the tattoos. Once you get the ink, it's just a matter of time before you're begging to be tied up and spanked.

Cassidy:
Yeah, tattoos are just the gateway to the sexual dark side, my friend.

[Stabler slings his arm around Cassidy's shoulders and bares his tattooed arm.]

Stabler:
You guys have finally figured me out, huh?

Jeffries:
Seriously. Did you get off on the tiny little pinpricks of pain?

Stabler:
No, I get that from working with you.

Munch:
The powers that be always protect themselves and the FBI are their hired guns-

Cassidy:
[finishes for him] -fronting for the Trilateral Council, the World Bank, and the Mansons.

Cragen:
Masons.

Stabler:
How long you been sleeping with Cassidy?

Benson:
Uh, I'm not.

Stabler:
Your stomach just dropped 2 floors, Olivia. The unconscious does not lie.

Benson:
I'm not lying. (beat)Not much.

Benson:
Is it that obvious?

Stabler:
I'm your partner. For better or worse.

Cassidy:
When you get married-

Benson:
If I get married.

Cassidy:
As long as you have this job, your marriage will be an affair.

Cragen:
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask that you smell the defendant.

Stabler:
You get to Tribeca a lot?

Lawyer:
You don't have to answer that.

Stabler:
What questions can your client answer?

Lawyer:
Anything that's a matter of public record. I want to know what my client's being charged with.

Munch:
(to Stabler)You don't have to answer that.

[The murder of a gay man on the rooftop of a building could be a hate crime that leads back to his own family, the wealthy and influential leaders of a moral coalition that believes homosexuality can be cured.]

[Munch walks into the squad room and finds his colleagues filling out forms.]

Cragen:
Police union found us better health insurance.

Cassidy:
This form is longer than the last book I read.

Munch:
Don't you see what they're doing?

Jeffries:
Yeah, they're looking out for you, Munch. Psychiatric coverage increased to 80%.

[Cassidy turns his form back in to Cragen, who looks at it.]

Captain Cragen:
Uh, there's 2 "R"s in "hemorrhoids."

[The rest of the squad looks at Cassidy.]

Cassidy:
I'm a desk jockey. What do you want from me?

[Regarding a pending interrogation.]

Munch:
More specifically, he's mad at you.

Stabler:
Which is why we thought you'd have better luck with him.

Benson:
Yeah, I mean you're smart and God knows you're patient.

[Munch goes in to interrogate the suspect.]

Hale:
I am not a homosexual.

Munch:
Okay.

Hale:
Part of my job was to keep an eye on Seth. Mr. Langdon is seriously eyeing a run for a congressional seat. But the scandal of having an openly homosexual son- well, look at the damage a lesbian sister caused Newt.

Munch:
Actually, she was a half-sister.

Hale:
She may have been a half-sister, but unfortunately for Newt, she was all lesbian.

Munch:
You don't think Newt's problems had anything to do with his ethics violations or him being a pedantic megalomaniac who espouses family values while serving his cancer-stricken wife with divorce papers while she's on her hospital deathbed? Did that ever occur to you?

[Cragen turns away from the window, where he is monitoring the interview.]

Cragen:
Anybody know where Cassidy is?

[Cut to new scene. Cassidy is now interviewing the suspect.]

[Discussing the embarrassing death scene of the victim.]

Munch:
They still didn't have to shove a banana where the sun don't shine. That's just rude.

[Discussing the victim's love life.]

Cassidy:
For a 50 year old, this guy had a lot of energy.

Cragen:
What's that supposed to imply?

Cassidy:
Oh, nothing. I'm sure you and John have just as much.

Katya:
This is America. You can't do this.

Benson:
Sweetheart, let me let you in on a little secret. Cops are the same everywhere.

[The murder of a judge leads SVU to a prison for pay scandal involving the purchase of sentences and paroles for criminals.]

Munch:
Nice view.

Cassidy:
Yeah, at night, too.

Munch:
You've been here at night, too?

Cassidy:
Yeah, you know. On a...a case.

Munch:
Case of what?

Cassidy:
Well, you know, like a...like a date. With a friend.

Munch:
What friend is that?

Cassidy:
Guy. Buddy of mine. Pal.

Munch:
Uh huh.

Cassidy:
What?

Munch:
I want you to seal this crime scene tighter than an accountant's ass.

Munch:
Afternoons he often spent at the library. He told his secretary he needed time alone.

Cassidy:
To think deep, legal thoughts behind the wheel of his Caddy, fly open to the breeze.

Munch:
"Hello and welcome to Parole Fone. If you want to pay with sex, press one. To make a donation to a phony charity, press 2."

Cragen:
Let her go.

Stabler:
Why?

Cragen:
Because her attorney said we have to.

Attorney:
All right. I'm asking.

Cragen:
If I could, I would exhume the body and kick his ass.

[To an abusive husband in prison hitting on Benson.]

Stabler:
Why don't you play "The Dating Game" with someone who shares your clinical diagnosis.

Cassidy:
Whatever.

Munch:
My generation pioneered that succinct abstraction, but to me it still means diddly.

Stabler:
All right. We're gonna talk to some of the detectives who originally investigates.

Captain Cragen:
Munch, that okay with you?

Munch:
Sure, it'd be like visiting the Special Victims Unit alumni association. All the people that used to sit at these desks. Where are they now?

Jennifer:
[about her rapist] He's a changed man. We prayed together.

Stabler:
You prayed with your rapist.

Jennifer:
Yeah. To turn him in after that would be a betrayal.

Victoria:
You have the power of life and death over this piece of crap.

Jennifer:
I don't want that kind of power.

Victoria:
But it's true, isn't it? So just drop the Lamb of God rap and tell us his name.

Munch:
Vanity, thy name is woman.

Jeffries:
It's frailty, not vanity, you misogynist.

Jack:
I hope to God we're right on this.

Captain Cragen:
I hear Logan's learning to love Staten Island.

Munch:
One minute you're getting your doorknob polished, the next you're sweet talking St. Peter.

Munch [to Rodgers]:
Will you ever have dinner with me?

Dr. Rodgers:
Not while I can still feed myself.

Jeffries:
He was shot with a Black Talon?!

Munch:
Cop killers. They haven't been made since 1994.

Jeffries:
Yeah, because they killed too many cops.

Munch:
Nah, the real reason was, it was instantly recognizable. Bullet makers want anonymity. If you can't prove where the bullet was made, you can't sue the manufacturer. Where would we be without lawyers?

Helen:
[looks at a line-up] #3.

Captain Cragen:
Are you sure?

Helen:
Yeah. It was dark, but it wasn't that dark. I'd remember him 'til the day I die. That face, those glasses…

Stabler:
It's not an audition, Ms. Katish, just, are you sure?

Helen:
All right. How's this? And the winner is, #3!

Munch:
You're enjoying this, aren't you?! All these guys trying to sweet-talk you into giving us a little crumb of information!

Pruitt:
Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's the high point of my life.

Munch:
Better than shooting those people in cold blood, you little reptilian GEEK?!

Pruitt:
Oh, it's bad cop now, right?

Munch:
YOU BET YOUR ASS!

Jeffries:
John, easy.

Munch:
You did it, you piece of crap! I know it! You know it!

Jeffries:
Seriously, come on!

Munch:
No! I'm gonna kill this guy myself.

Pruitt:
Call him off. call him off.

Munch:
I'm gonna Mike Tyson you, you bastard!

Pruitt:
Come on. Is this legal?

Jeffries:
Probably not.

Munch:
[whispers in Pruitt's ear] I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you.

Captain Cragen:
How could you give the defense that kind of ammunition in writing? I asked you...

Dr. Skoda:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I put a little sticky on your desk by his DD5, that's all.

Stabler:
Well, what was on this bombshell sticky?

Dr. Skoda:
"Retarded," and a question mark.

Munch [to Alfonso]:
Look at me, take a good look. In 15 years, you're gonna be as old as I am.

Benson [to Carlos]:
You jerk us around, you jerk your deal off the table.

Munch [about Walp]:
He was fired from McDonald's. That alone will win the case for him.

Munch:
Not the Benjamin Hadley? More powerful than Pat Robertson, able to leap a tall Democrat in a single bound, President of Midvale College, which used to be a Podunk nothing; now it's suddenly a think tank for the neo-conservative movement?

Benson:
Although that's an oxymoron.

Munch:
I love you, Olivia.

Benson:
I always carry at least a pair of earrings in my purse.

Stabler:
Yeah, like you carry a purse.

Benson:
That's 'cause you carry it for me.

Burglary Detective:
Why don't you take all the burglaries in Manhattan?

Benson:
We only want the one where the burglar spills his seed in the victim's u-trou.

Burglary Detective:
So we didn't call you. So no one wants to call you. Ever. You know. You guys are up to your necks in perversity 24/7 and my men don't understand why it is you picked your squad.

Stabler:
It's people like you that makes our squad necessary.

Burglary Detective:
Yeah. Well, my people don't want whatever it is you got. You're tainted. 10 bucks says the only other cops you hang out with are Brooklyn SVU.

Stabler:
You lose. Bronx SVU.

Stabler:
(to the burglary detective) Don't touch me. I don't like to be touched.

Benson:
Frick and Frack.

Stabler:
Alfonse and Gaston.

Munch:
Slappy and Happy.

Jeffries:
You know how it is. You spend time with someone, eventually they will corrupt you.

Munch:
Sure. It's a major historical force that drags great people to the lowest common denominator.

Benson:
With you around, we're all doomed.

Stabler:
Do we look like imbeciles to you?

Keith:
They're just pictures.

Stabler:
[screams] THEY'RE NOT JUST PICTURES!! They're underaged girls, they're scared, drugged and being photographed without their permission.

Stabler:
(to Keith) Look. Someone comes to me and says they want to store illegal stuff in my garage, he's either my best friend or I'm getting something out of the deal.

Kathy:
(to her husband about Internet predators) Why can't you arrest them? You know they're out there.

Stabler:
(gesturing to the computer across the room) Honey, they're in here.

Stabler [to Cragen about a victim's story]:
He flashed her. He perved her in ways she's not even aware of.

Captain Cragen:
Okay. How about this? He entered into an improper relationship with a minor.

Stabler:
You just said no real sex. According to her story.

Captain Cragen:
He doesn't know that. He doesn't know what she told us.

Stabler:
Oh. Now, Captain. You're not suggesting we lie to the poor man, are ya?

Captain Cragen:
Absolutely not. Role-playing. Fantasy. Make-believe. That crap he's been peddling to us about victimless crimes.

Captain Cragen:
[after the FBI has interfered with SVU's investigation] Don't you ever bad-mouth my people in their own station house.

Agent Schreck:
Better get used to it. 'Cause when I tell Langley how an operation that involved 9 regional bureaus got blown, your name is gonna be prominently featured.

Captain Cragen:
It's spelled C-R-A-G-E-N. And we were doing what we always do, which is to take pedophiles off the street!

Agent Schreck:
4 collars, at the expense of hundreds more, who, right now, are getting e-mail telling them the cops are on 'em.

Captain Cragen:
It's a hell of a lot more than you did for us!

Agent Schreck:
It was an undercover OPERATION!!

Captain Cragen:
You were in my city investigating sex crimes, and you didn't seem fit to give me a heads-up?!

Agent Schreck:
We're dealing with virtual world, which is everywhere and nowhere!

Captain Cragen:
But eventually, you gotta put real-life cuffs on a real-life perp!

Agent Schreck:
It's not just you! We were in Los Angeles and Chicago and dozens of other places! It's for the right reason. We wanted to bring in the big predators.

Captain Cragen:
That's why the bad guys were runnin' rings around us.

Agent Schreck:
Why?

Captain Cragen:
Because they're workin' together, and we're not.

Attorney:
My client wants to be first in line.

Captain Cragen:
You want to be number one. What, is that your lucky number or something?

Avelino:
Yeah, it happens to be my lucky number.

Captain Cragen:
Number one it is. Good luck.

Ganzner:
You close your eyes ... is that it ... to have sex?

Benson:
I have sex with my eyes wide open.

Captain Cragen:
[to Benson] Never turn your back on a reporter.

Munch:
[to a transit cop] I'd like you to sit on the 3rd rail.

Munch [to P.K.]:
Got a name for this guy?

P.K. :
Tommy something ... Irish.

Jeffries:
There are, like, 2,000,000 Irish in New York, P.K.

P.K. [gives a thumbs up]:
Good luck.

CSU Tech:
[about Logan] I don't think she suffered.

Munch:
She suffered.

Tech:
I mean she was killed instantly.

Munch:
I know what you mean.

Munch:
[to P.K.] Go buy yourself a blunt.

Elizabeth:
Daddy, why does Christmas only come once a year?

Stabler:
Because Santa Claus' credit cards are all maxed out.

Benson:
I bet I know what you're thinking.

Stabler:
Bet you don't.

Benson:
Even the best parents can't protect their children.

Stabler:
Gutter at home. Part of it is broken. I need to fix it.

Benson:
Well, you can't do everything.

Stabler:
You'd feel everything for them if you could. All the pain.

Benson:
Sometimes I just look at the kids and I think, "Why? Why do it at all?"

Stabler:
Because you want to more than anything in the world. 'Cause you want to love them every day.

Morrow:
Honey, I'd like a mineral water, no ice.

Benson:
And I'd like your balls in a blender, but ain't life a bitch?

[Stabler talks to a police psychiatrist after a particularly brutal case]

Dr. Taylor:
How long does a case like this stay with you?

Stabler:
A while.

Dr. Taylor:
What do you do to turn it off?

Stabler:
Go home, kiss my wife, hug my kids.

Dr. Taylor:
You see them in the victims, don't you?

Stabler:
[pause] Have you ever seen an 8-year-old with no soul? I have.

Dr. Taylor:
And what do you do when you see that?

Stabler:
I think about people who do those sorts of things.... and I think about how I could get away with killing them.

Buddy:
How ya been, Elliott?

Stabler:
Good, eerything's good. This is my partner, Olivia Benson.

Benson:
[shaking Buddy's hand] Hey, how ya doin'?

Buddy:
You're better looking than Alphonse.

Benson:
[laughing] Thanks.

Buddy:
What happened to Big Fatso? Coronary?

Stabler:
Nah, retired and moved to Florida.

Buddy:
Ah, same diff.

Benson:
Virginia, Detectives Munch and Cassidy are going to take you home.

Virginia:
[to Munch] Can I drive?

Munch:
Since you're probably as old as my partner, I don't see why not.

Cassidy:
I've been on this beat for eight months.

Stabler:
Right.

Cassidy:
And at first I was fine with it, but sometimes, I just, um, I just can't...

Stabler:
Instead of seeing a woman, you see a uterus, cervix...

Cassidy:
Yeah.

Stabler:
It's a clinical phase. It lasts a while.

Cassidy:
So what's the next phase?

Stabler:
You don't want to know.

Mrs. White:
He's seeing a new lady friend. A policewoman. I told him to drop her. No offense, but it's my understanding you people don't make any real money, and for that you get to deal with filth.

Stabler:
[smiling] All shapes and sizes.

Benson:
Just tell me once more, how'd you kill her?

White:
[smiles] Thrill-seeker. No. I'm done. Do what you can with what you've got. I don't think you can kill me with it. Pity. I'm fixed on you, and until I'm dead, I'll always be in your head, just like your mother has somebody in her head. We're joined at the hip now, aren't we?

Jeffries:
Wow. 4.7 million in one year.

Cassidy:
That's pretty good for a fledgling charity.

Benson:
Fledgling? I'm impressed.

Cassidy:
Yeah, that's right, I'm a real dope, aren't I? You know what I did last night? I looked it up and memorized it just so I could impress you.

Wallace:
The Internet has opened up a whole world of possibilities.

Stabler:
Easy access. No more trees to climb, no binoculars to lug around. You can look into a little girl's bedroom with just a click of a mouse.

Wallace:
You see?

Benson:
See what?

Wallace:
You see why the children love me? He's so cold, so angry. The kids from the bad homes, the neglected ones, the abused... when they leave the social worker's office with their anatomically correct dolls, when they leave the police station, they're in tears.

Benson:
What's your point, Wallace?

Wallace:
When they leave me, they're all smiles.

Sal Avelino's Attorney:
My client can't do a line-up right now.

Cragen:
He can rest between the IDs.

Sal Avelino's Attorney:
Okay, but he wants to be first in line.

Cragen:
You want to be number one, Sal?

Sal Avelino:
Yeah.

Cragen:
What, is that your lucky number?

Sal Avelino:
As a matter of fact, it is.

Cragen:
Okay, number one it is. Good luck.

Hickley:
[about Holt] He'll be eligible for parole in 38 years.

Evan:
But he's almost 60.

Hickley:
Yeah. Isn't math wonderful?

Evan:
You hate me.

Stabler:
I don't hate you. I look at you and I try to see that little child being abused. But now...

Evan:
You see an abuser.

Stabler:
Yeah, yeah I do. I see a guy who, if he ever got near my child...

Evan:
I don't know what made Holt the way he is. But I do know why I am the way I am. And it stops here. Now.

Dr. Taylor:
Have you ever experienced any sexual dysfunction since taking this job? And I'd appreciate a serious answer.

Munch:
Once.

Dr. Taylor:
Thank you. When did that happen?

Munch:
Not sure, but it was definitely within the last 10 minutes.