Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Season 2

Alex:
Captain Cragen!

Captain Cragen:
Miss Cabot?

Alex:
Alex.

Captain Cragen:
Yeah. Right. Of course.

Alex:
Let's not start off on the wrong foot. My assignment to SVU preceded the "behavior problems" under you command.

Captain Cragen:
Behavioral problems?

Alex:
I'm trying to be polite.

Captain Cragen:
Tip-toeing around the road kill?

Alex:
Where there's smoke...

Captain Cragen:
Who do you sleep with Ms. Cabot? Are you so new at this that you haven't run into somebody you wanted skip due process with? I'll apprise you ASAP, if ASAP can be tomorrow, you understand I have "behavioral problems".

Alex:
You want me to secure a search warrant for the offices of a defense contractor to search classified, national security files for evidence in a sexually motivated homicide?

Munch:
Is that a problem?

Alex:
[sighs, picks up the phone and dials] Judge Hermann, please. [pause] This is Alex Cabot with the D.A's office. [pause] Uncle Bill... look, I need a favor.

Munch:
Reevaluation stinks.

Jeffries:
Truly. Best crime stats in 30 years and they're reevaluating?

Munch:
It's how it works. We get rid of the criminals they fear, they start fearing us. Public hates tough cops 'til they need one.

Alex:
[to Goren] A child molester only has power as long as his secret is kept. You tell the truth, his power is gone.

Dr. Skoda:
How long have you been on the force?

Stabler:
14 years.

Dr. Skoda:
In all those years, how many murders have actually made sense?

Stabler:
None. But ... some I understood.

Dr. Skoda:
But this one ... you let get under your skin. Why?

Stabler:
This one my daughter saw.

Benson:
[after Stabler's talk with Dr. Skoda] Hey. How'd it go?

Stabler:
I talked too much. Again.

Stabler:
You're protecting your win-loss ratio.

Captain Cragen:
Elliot.

Alex:
It's okay, Captain. Detective Stabler's judgment is clouded by the stress of the Morris Commission's review and the fact that Michael did what he fantasizes about: kill a perpetrator.

Captain Cragen:
It's not my fantasy and I stand with Detective Stabler on this.

Stabler:
[to his daughter] What are you doing up?

Maureen:
I couldn't sleep.

Stabler:
What's the matter? You got nightmares?

Maureen:
You have to sleep to have nightmares.

Stabler:
Right. What was I thinking? You want something to drink?

Maureen:
No. Dad. What that boy Michael did to that man...

Stabler:
That man was supposed to take care of Michael. And instead he molested him. He abused him physically, he betrayed his trust and I think Michael...just had enough.

Maureen:
So what happens now?

Stabler:
He's probably gonna go to prison. All he's gotta do is tell the truth. What is it with you kids?

Maureen:
It's hard to talk to adults.

Stabler:
Why?

Maureen:
You're always judging us. You expect us to be like you and get mad if we're not. It's just easier to talk to our friends.

Stabler:
What if you don't have any friends?

Maureen:
Everybody's got friends.

Captain Cragen:
[to the Morris Commission] This little boy's mother stuck his hands on a frying pan until his fingers burned off ... this rape victim required 12 hours of surgery to have a steel plate put into her head after her attacker pummeled her with a claw hammer ... this one didn't make it ... is there anybody on this panel who doesn't share Detective Stabler's anger for the perpetrators? This man is a good cop. As his commanding officer, I stand with him and every good cop who faces these horrors day after day and has the strength to keep his impulses in check. Now if you can look at these pictures and not understand that, the problem here isn't Elliot Stabler, is it?

[after Stabler talks with Captain Cragen about the Morris Commission hearing about if he could keep his job]

Kathy:
So?

Stabler:
The Morris Commission cleared me.

Alex:
A man stands up and takes responsibility. A man isn't afraid to face the consequences of his actions.

Stabler:
Wilding's back in vogue.

Benson:
I hate that word: "wilding." Like it's some kind of party.

Captain Cragen:
It's pucker time, folks!

Captain Cragen:
[about the victim, Nafeesa Amir] What, it's her fault she was raped?

Benson:
She brought shame and dishonor to her family. They behead women for that where she comes from.

Munch:
My first wife dishonored me. I had to pay her alimony.

Aziza:
I already lost Nafeesa. I don't want to lose Jaleel too.

Benson:
But Nafessa hasn't lost her honor.

Harper:
[about Kenneth] He is the last thing I'm afraid of. If I can get over that, I will have my life back completely.

Captain Cragen:
[about Cleary] We couldn't keep him. Not our fault.

Stabler:
Wanna tell the victim that?

Harper:
You're gonna burn in Hell.

Mr. Klein:
I'm Jewish, Miss Anderson. There is no Hell.

Cleary:
As one hungry man to another - is there anything better than gorging on fresh meat?

Stabler:
You won't be eating out anymore.

[An abused 7-year-old girl lays comatose as the detectives investigate members of her dysfunctional family to determine the source of the abuse]

[Munch interviews a young girl]

Munch:
Hi Jennifer, I'm Detective Munch.

Jennifer:
That's a funny name, Munch.

Munch:
You think that's funny? I guess if I ever have kids I'll have to call them "munchkins".

Fin:
Carrying a concealed weapon is a felony.

Mrs. McCreary:
I don't, I leave it at home so the appliances can defend themselves.

Stabler:
[last line] Welcome to the Gaza Strip.

Mark Nash:
I dream of angels but I live with demons.

Mrs. Nash:
Mark doesn't scare me, detective. Pathetic, narrow-minded people do.

Munch:
Perhaps you'd be more comfortable with a female detective.

Patricia:
I'd be happy to talk to anyone with a brain.

Munch:
There are 5 stages of grief. Don't go through them all at once.

Munch:
All you've proven here today is that women are still chattel.

Alex:
Only if they want to be.

[during her allocution, Siobhan describes Russell Ramsay's enrollment in her scam]

Siobhan:
We just looked on the Internet for a sex offender. I mean, they got a whole website with pictures and MOs. And I picked Ramsay, because he wasn't as gross as the others. And he didn't look dangerous, and he liked 'em young.

Alex:
How did you go about seducing him?

Siobhan:
Our cousin Kyle was the advance man. He followed him around a few days and got his schedule down, and then I just showed up at his bar. I gave him the duplicate room key that Kyle had made, and I told him when to be in my room.

Alex:
Well, the plan hinged on Ramsay showing up. How could you be certain he would?

Siobhan:
Well, he's an ex-con with a loser job who likes young girls. I mean, it's a no-brainer.

Alex:
Still, something could've gone wrong.

Siobhan:
I would've plan-B'd it.

Alex:
What is plan B?

Siobhan:
Honey, no man passes up free sex.

Captain Cragen:
What ever happened to just hanging out on the jungle gym?

Stabler:
Went the way of your 8-track tape.

Fin:
Talking in Greek. You're full of surprises.

Munch:
If I don't keep some mystery, you might grow bored and stop loving me.

Harry:
You sons of bitches. You said I wouldn't have to take a needle.

Munch:
Yeah, well, we lied.

Fin:
A lapdance is a pretty strong signal.

Benson:
Your daughter needs help. I talked to a psychologist.

Ricki:
You did what?!

Benson:
This psychologist can help her. The thing is, she needs to see the both of you together.

Ricki:
Leave us alone!

Benson:
Ricki, your daughter needs help.

Ricki:
Get away before I call the police.

Benson:
Miss Austin, I am the police!

Ricki:
Then it's damn lucky I have my own security!

Captain Cragen:
You're on desk duty.

Benson:
Captain, I can explain.

Captain Cragen:
You can't follow my orders on the street, you try keepin' my files straight.

Stabler:
Captain?

Captain Cragen:
[to his other detectives] And in case anyone else here has Detective Benson's hearing problem, read my lips or buy the Cliff notes: No one is to go near Ashley Black again. That includes her family, school, house, and any employees therein.

Benson:
You can't do this. Somebody's gotta help her.

Captain Cragen:
Really? Well, thanks to you, now none of us can!

[he tosses a restraining order notice on Stabler's desk]

Captain Cragen:
The law isn't always about justice.

Alex:
Who let you in on our dirty little secret?

Stabler:
I had my own "Alan Cryder". Insurance salesman ran his business out of a converted garage in Queens. Well liked, would invite the neighbourhood kids up for ice cream and stories. One day, a 6-year-old girl goes missing from a playground in Soho. Long story short, we find her underneath the floor boards of his office along with 3 other children, all in various stages of decomposition. But he's gone and I'm left with a cold case. 2 years, nothing but silence and headaches. I wasn't sleeping a lot, I kept having these recurring nightmares where my own children would be underneath the floor boards that I couldn't pry up. And, one day, I'm just gassing up my car in Chelsea and there he is. And before I know it, I've got his face sandwiched between his windshield and the muzzle of my gun. And I'm yelling "freeze" and I realize that I'm yelling at myself. Because I can't stop my finger from pulling the trigger and I am praying for him to blink, I'm praying for him to twitch, just do something to give me an excuse. And then I see a face inside of his car. It's a girl, this beautiful little 6-year old girl with these big eyes. I figured she'd seen enough.

[Stabler is in the SVU Squad room about to go home]

Captain Cragen:
Elliot, how'd it go with the doc?

Stabler:
She said the bandage probably kept most of Gloria's blood from entering the wound.

Captain Cragen:
Good.

Stabler:
[holds up 2 medicine bottles] Just in case, she gave me a month's supply of antiretrovirals.

Captain Cragen:
Then what?

Stabler:
Wait and see.

Captain Cragen:
That's gonna make for a hell of a month. Listen, if there's anything....

Stabler:
I got it covered.

Captain Cragen:
Well, you got my number.

Stabler:
Captain. Thanks.

Fin:
You know where you are?

Homeless Man:
It ain't an outhouse. It ain't the White House. So it might be the station house.

Fin:
Good guess.

Benson:
Hey. You feeling any better?

Stabler:
Yeah. I caught some sleep up in the crib. How's Smythe?

Benson:
She's awake. She's ugh, she's going to be okay.

Stabler:
Say anything?

Benson:
No. You sure you're okay?

Stabler:
You tell Cragen about what happened last night? Me getting sick?

Benson:
You heard what I said. You were standing right there. I haven't seen him since. Why?

Stabler:
Boss wanted to send me home.

Benson:
But he didn't. Good decision. But that stuff right there.... [points to the can of diet cola he is drinking] that'll kill you.

[Benson notices Stabler having breakfast]

Benson:
Got your appetite back.

Stabler:
Feels good to eat like a human being again.

Benson:
You get the test results?

Stabler:
Clean bill of health. Negative for HIV, hepatitis. [Benson smiles back at him; holds up a glass of O.J.] Salute.

Alex:
I need you to authorize this deal.

Phillips:
Counselor, I am a public servant, and the public at large does not want this boil on the butt of humanity living to a ripe old age.

Alex:
Charlie, think of the mother.

Phillips:
I am. And I'm sure that she'd wanna see him to die.

Alex:
Maybe. But she probably wants to know what happened to her daughter also.

Phillips:
And what about the mothers of all his other victims? They want him dead. The city wants him dead. Even protesters against the death penalty wanna see this guy dead.

Captain Cragen:
How goes it, Elliot?

[Stabler spits out bad coffee]

Munch:
Hey! I made that! 19 hours ago, mind you, but still, a little tact.

Stabler:
[looks at an empty can] Hey, Munch, why do you do this? You always do this. [to the captain] He puts the lid back on an empty can!

Munch:
It's just my way.

Munch:
[as Fin applies eye drops to his eyes] Can I have some of that?

Fin:
No.

Munch:
Please?

Fin:
No.

Munch:
Come on!

Fin:
Can't share eye drops. That's how you get pinkeye.

Stabler:
Just give him the eye drops, will you?

[the captain comes out of the bathroom stall; his detectives await him]

Captain Cragen:
I'm not tipping all of you.

[the captain finds the squad room in a dreadful mess]

Captain Cragen:
Damn it! This place is a pigsty!

Benson:
You're the one who said no janitors.

Captain Cragen:
[sarcastically] Oh, thanks, Olivia. It's my fault.

Alex:
I'm willing to speak to you. However, you have no legal authority to compel me to answer any questions.

Officer:
We are well aware of that, Ms. Cabot. We're only trying to get to the truth.

Alex:
Aren't we all.

Alex:
If you are looking for someone to denigrate Captain Cragen or the unit, find someone else.

Captain Cragen:
A girl O.D.'d and died alone. Her father, a decorated cop, 30-year career, over, no pension, his family in shambles. But you know what really, really scares me? That all you people are concerned about is some lying, murdering sack of crap.

Munch:
Your Jew? Your Jew? What if I called you "my boy"?

Fin:
I'll be your boy, John.

Benson:
Do people have sex in bed anymore?

Benson:
The earth moved.

Stabler:
And he saw stars.

Fin:
I am not staying in here with all these cancer-causing particles flying around.

Munch:
Stop worrying. As an African-American you're statistically far more likely to die of diabetes, high blood pressure, or heart disease.

Fin:
Or a bullet.

Munch:
[to a serial rapist and murderer known as the Bowery Stalker] Shoplifting. Kind of an undignified end to such an ambitious operation.

Munch:
[to the Bowery stalker] You had us stumped for over a year, Daryl. Your operations manual reads like a textbook in tactics and resource management. I've offered it to the curriculum committee at the Academy. I think the next generation of cops could learn a lot from you.

Fin:
Even Aunt Mary thinks he's a hero.

Munch:
Yeah, well Aunt Mary is a few tea bags shy of a full pot.

Ava:
In my country, the police help no one.

Alex:
[about a suspect with diplomatic immunity] He could run me down, leave skidmarks, and we still couldn't give him a speeding ticket.

[Dr. Warner conducts the autopsy on the victim with Benson and Stabler in the room.]

Dr. Warner:
External examination found no traces of semen. Further testing...[pulling out an organ and placing it in a scale dish] showed spermicides usually found in condoms.

[Benson and Stabler look on in disgust]

Stabler:
This is fun.

[Benson and Stabler are at a suspect's mother's home, trying to locate his current address, though they avoid telling her that her son's a suspect]

Grace:
I don't like cryptic conversation. They require a prevaricating nature, which I do not possess. So either you tell me what this is all about...or you can locate Jason using whatever means you have at your disposal.

Benson:
Do you know what obstruction is, ma'am? This is a murder investigation, and we need to speak with your son. Now.

Dr. Huang:
[about Jason] He suffers from piquerism, counselor. The knife represents his penis. It is not disposable.

Judge Barry:
[during Jason's arraignment] How do you plead?

Milton:
Not guilty, your honor.

Judge Barry:
Miss Cabot?

Alex:
Remand, your honor.

Milton:
The Mayberrys are an old, upstanding family in New Jersey. My client is not a flight risk. His mother, Grace Mayberry, will produce him for trial.

Alex:
Because of his trust, as well as his mother's wealth, he has means and opportunity to flee. The defendant is charged with heinous crimes. The murder victim was 7 weeks pregnant.

Milton:
Objection!

Judge Barry:
[pounds gavel] That was a nice try, counselor. Don't do it again.

Alex:
My apologies.

Judge Barry:
Bail is set at 1,000,000. Post or enjoy my hospitality. [bangs gavel again]

[Benson and Stabler find Daniel Varney in Our Lady of Lords mopping the floors]

Stabler:
Daniel?

Daniel:
[stops mopping] Yes. I'm Daniel.

Stabler:
Hi. Can we talk to you a second?

Daniel:
Who are you?

Benson:
We're the police.

Daniel:
[frightened] His avenging angels cometh. [drops his mop]

Benson:
We just wanna ask you a question.

Daniel:
[murmurs incoherently] You cannot hide in the presence of the Lord. He sent you to judge me?

Benson:
No, no. Not to judge you. To help you.

Daniel:
Why?! I served him. I was... I... They were unclean, and I cleansed them in their own blood. I saved a child, a lamb that was pure...

Benson:
Daniel? Daniel, come with us. Come with us.

Daniel:
[pulls out his knife] Wasn't I good enough? Wasn't I good enough? Why do you send your angels for me? Why do you want to destroy me when I bring them your message? They were unclean. Why? Why do you send your angels for me? Why? Why do you want to destroy me when I bring them your message?

Benson:
No. Not to destroy you. He wants to reward you.

Daniel:
HE WILL JUDGE ME! Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name thy kingdom come, thy will be done...

Benson and Daniel:
[in unison] ...on Earth as it is in Heaven give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses...

[Stabler knocks Daniel to the floor; Benson kicks the knife out of his hands]

Daniel:
Pray with me!

Stabler:
Get the arm.

Benson:
[grabs Daniel's arm] Got it.

Stabler:
[slaps the cuffs on Daniel while he continues murmuring] Daniel Varney, you're under arrest for murder. You have the right to remain silent. If you give up that right, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

[while in arraignment]

Judge Petrovsky:
Mr. Newvine, how does your client plead?

Daniel:
Are you God?

Judge Petrovsky:
Just an overworked judge, Mr. Varney. And I ask the questions. Not you. Guilty or not guilty?

Daniel:
How can you judge me if you're not God?

Judge Petrovsky:
Mr. Newvine, control your client.

Newvine:
We plead not guilty by reason of mental disease or defect, your honor. [to his client] Daniel, please!

Judge Petrovsky:
Miss Cabot?

Alex:
Remand, your honor. The defendant is clearly a dangerous...

Daniel:
NO!!! [he punches Newvine; the court officers restrain him] YOU CAN'T JUDGE ME! You don't sit in judgment of me! You don't sit in judgment of me! YOU DON'T SIT IN JUDGMENT OF ME! You can't judge me! You can't judge me!

Daniel:
I have to ask you something.

Benson:
What?

Daniel:
Why didn't you shoot me?

Benson:
Because I didn't want to hurt you.

Daniel:
But you must.

Benson:
I must what, Daniel? I don't understand.

Daniel:
Kill me. Please. Please. I can't take any more pain.

Stabler:
This whole case is like a jigsaw puzzle.

Captain Cragen:
Well, let's look at the pieces we've got. One suspect eliminated, one cooperating, and one hiding behind his lawyer.

Fin:
Picture's gettin' clearer.

Det. Santiago:
You call this finesse? I've had calls from the brass wanting to know, did I orchestrate an undercover operation with SVU, and the press has already gotten a whiff of it. What kinda Mickey Mouse club is this?!

Captain Cragen:
See, actually, I hate that little black rodent. Now, Dick Tracy, that was a club. You got this great decoder ring and a really cool watch.

Munch:
There should be a special level of Hell for this pus-sucking, gangrenous, malignancy of a mental amoeba!

Captain Cragen:
Somebody steal your parking space again?

Munch:
Explain to me how shmoes like us spend every night at home alone watching the History Channel while a scum like Ramsay has this nice girl's complete devotion? She's so convinced.

Captain Cragen:
Well, if there is any karma, Ramsay won't be doing much sitting down in Rikers.

Kelly D'Leah:
I never took those pills the doctor gave me. I don't know why, but I just I couldn't. What if I'm pregnant?

Olivia:
I'm probably not the best person to ask.

Kelly D'Leah:
What about my parents? I haven't told them yet.

Olivia:
Might be a good time, huh?

Stabler:
Sometimes the thought of Maureen in college scares the hell out of me.

Olivia:
I don't blame you.

Stabler:
Higher education used to mean BA's and PhDs, now it's roofies and GHB.

Olivia:
And deans with confidential disciplinary committees.

Munch:
You must have some innermost secret.

Fin:
I'm a Republican.

Jason:
[after killing his mother] I told her I'm not a little boy anymore.