Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Season 8

Agent Lewis:
Domestic terror charge is gonna put you under 40 years to life, Mitchell.

Benson:
It'd be in your best interests to tell us where Haley is.

Mitchell:
I don't have a clue!

Benson:
He's not very bright.

Agent Lewis:
Nope. Obviously not. Dum-dum tried to put dynamite in a freezer.

Benson:
You put a cop in the hospital, Mitchell.

Agent Lewis:
Do you have any idea how bad it is for you, Mitchell?!!

Mitchell:
Do you?! You can't keep raping the Earth! This little campfire is nothing compared to what's coming!

Agent Lewis:
What's comin', Mitchell?

Benson:
What's comin'? We're listening.

Mitchell:
Don't worry. You won't be able to miss it. It's gonna light up the sky.

Beck:
Maryellen had so many bite marks on her body, doctors couldn't count 'em all.

Brent:
Well... one man's bite is another man's hickey.

Stabler:
Just so you know... everybody loses it their first kid case.

Beck:
I'll get used to it.

Stabler:
When that happens, transfer out.

Beck:
Having a baby by your rapist isn't something you hide from your husband. That's just twisted.

Stabler:
My old partner's a child of rape.

Beck:
That was a different era. There were no abortions, no options.

Stabler:
You saying it was easy for Olivia's mom?

Beck:
I`m saying decisions are simple when you have no choice.

Stabler:
If you make your wife give up that child, she'll resent you for it for the rest of her life.

Husband:
Could you raise a rapist's child? Could you?

Stabler:
[pause] Go home. Talk with your wife.

Husband:
What is there to say?

[After a van plows into the river with children aboard, Beck and Stabler find themselves investigating a controversial therapy called rebirthing for out-of-control children.]

[Stabler approaches a van being hoisted out of the river.]

Stabler:
John. What've we got?

Munch:
Van tried to take a shortcut to Brooklyn. The river got in the way.

Fin:
Van was registered to Frank Hovis of Albany. Unmarried, no kids, couple pops for assault.

[Captain Cragen looks at a photograph of the women's shoe recovered at the scene.]

Captain Cragen:
Anything on Cinderella?

Fin:
Nah. Maybe Frank's a tranny.

[Munch arrives with a tollbooth photo of the van's occupants, a balding male driver and a woman in the passenger seat.]

Munch:
Cinderella's definitely a woman. Frank needs to join the Hair Club for Men.

Captain Cragen:
Dani doing okay?

Stabler:
Yeah.

Captain Cragen:
See a future for her here in SVU?

Stabler:
Sure.

Captain Cragen:
Don't want your old partner back.

Stabler:
Since when was that up to me?

Mrs. Hovis:
I haven't seen Frank in years.

Munch:
We think he may have been in an accident, Mrs. Hovis.

Mrs. Hovis:
Well, excuse me if I don't bust out weeping. The only time I hear about that deadbeat is when you cops come looking for him.

Munch:
Mind if we check around?

Mrs. Hovis:
Yes I do. I'm a respectable woman, I live alone, and I don't want the neighbors talking.

[Fin comes around the corner of the house, holding a pair of men's pants.]

Fin:
They already are. Found these on your clothesline. Where'd they come from?

Mrs. Hovis:
How should I know? Must've fallen out of a plane on the way into Kennedy.

Munch:
I think I hear someone inside.

Fin:
Don't worry, ma'am. We'll protect you.

[Munch and Fin push their way past Mrs. Hovis into the house.]

Mrs. Hovis:
Hey!

[Fin pushes open the broom closet door and finds Frank in his underwear, crouching inside.]

Fin:
Frank, that's pathetic.

Mrs. Hovis:
[Acting astonished.] How'd he get in there?

[Stabler is stabbed in the chest with a pen.]

Beck:
You gonna faint on me?

Beck:
I couldn't have stayed so calm.

Stabler:
Yeah you could. You know the right thing to do.

Beck:
Just because you know what's right doesn't mean you do it.

Kathleen:
Are you serious, dad? A kid stabbed you?

Kathy:
Your father probably yelled at him.

Kathleen:
Yeah, for not doing his homework.

[In the hospital, after Eden sets fire to Beck's apartment.]

Beck:
Why'd you do it?

Eden:
So you'd never leave me.

Beck:
You could have killed us both.

Eden:
Then we'd be together.

[Stabler finds Beck distraught outside Eden's hospital room.]

Stabler:
Dani. This is not your fault.

Beck:
I can't do this.

Stabler:
Why?

Beck:
I fix things. It's who I am. But I can't fix that little girl.

Stabler:
That's not what we do.

Beck:
But I wanted to. And I thought I could.

Beck:
How do you keep doing this job?

Stabler:
Because I have to.

Beck:
Why? We don't make a difference.

Stabler:
Dani, you can do this.

Beck:
Are you asking me to stay?

[Stabler hesitates.]

Stabler:
Dani, I can't. You've got to be here for yourself, not for me.

Beck:
Yeah. [Beck looks through the window at Eden.] Bye, Elliott.

[Beck walks away.]

Stabler:
I'd give you a kidney.

Benson:
Not if I gave you mine first.

[Stabler agrees to hear the dying confession of a cancer patient, but first he and Benson do some digging into what possible crime Tierney's guilty of and come up with an unsolved case that goes back 47 years.]

Benson:
It's never too late to help a victim.

Benson:
What kind of father molests his daughter and then every year, sends her a birthday card to remind her?

Tierney:
I don't know what your dad did to you, sweetie, but you need professional help.

Stabler:
Eternal damnation is not a police matter.

Stabler:
[To Huang] All you shrinks talk about is closure.

Dr. Huang:
You can't rush Scheherazade.

[After Stabler tells Mrs. Colino that they found her husband's body, shot in 1971.]

Mrs. Colino:
[To poker partners] Girls! I'm a widow!

Old woman:
Congratulations. You want in this hand?

Stabler:
Well, for once, Catholic guilt's a good thing.

Munch:
I thought we Jews had a corner on that market.

[Fin teams up with a Brooklyn SVU Detective Lake when he's called on to investigate a rape at his son Ken's college.]

[After a rape victim that Ken brought in runs away.]

Ken:
I blew it.

Fin:
Fix it.

[Fin walks into an Edgar Allen Poe restaurant where the waiters are dressed in outlandish costumes.]

Waiter 1:
We're a themed restaurant, sir.

Waiter 2:
We dress up as Edgar Allen Poe characters. I'm the raven.

Waiter 1:
And I'm the telltale heart!

Fin:
[Flashes badge] And I'm the cop.

[Fin and Lake approach the dockyard to find Henry]

Fin:
Any ships left yet today?

Foreman:
[about a ship] No, she's the first one out.

Lake:
Stop the lines.

Foreman:
You nuts?! Why? [Lake flashes his badge] [over radio] Stop the lines.

[after Fin and Lake have arrested Henry]

Henry:
Now, will there be a trial?

Lake:
Count on it.

Henry:
Televised?

Fin:
You bet.

Henry:
Look! Look. [the three look ahead; squad cars and the press approach] They're already here. Just for me.

Fin:
Now you're really gonna be famous.

[An anonymous tip and photographs that look like child porn leads the SVU to something utterly unexpected when Olivia goes down to a poisonous gas being experimented on tenement residents by their landlord.]

Passerby:
Yo. What're you doin'?

Fin:
Given' the little boy a donut.

Passerby:
Why you wanna give the kid a donut?

Fin:
Why you have a problem with us giving him a donut?

[Benson flashes her badge.]

Passerby:
Oh. All right. Cop's best friend.

Benson:
When was the most recent burglary?

Passerby:
I don't know, like, the night before last. How come you guys don't know that?

Fin:
We too busy eatin'.

[Discussing a speculation that a robber who broke into an apartment found what appears to be kiddie porn and forwarded it anonymously to the police]

Fin:
Just because a guy makes a living breaking into other people's apartment, doesn't mean he likes kiddie porn.

[When Munch arrives late to a briefing and chimes in with information.]

Fin:
Oh. You're late 'cuz you were doing something useful.

[When a suspect in interrogation starts using Q-tips on his ears.]

Fin:
You gotta do that in front of us?

Suspect:
I got a Cerumen problem.

Fin:
You gonna have a face problem if you don't stop, and what the hell is cerumen?

Munch:
Earwax.

Suspect:
See, he knows.

Fin:
On the fifth floor you heard somebody bust into an apartment through 5 slabs of concrete with a cerumen problem.

Suspect:
I must've been having a good ear day.

Captain Cragen:
Where did you find this Looney Tune?

Fin:
Look, we don't speak your dialect of crazy, okay?

Benson:
I don't need to go to the hospital Captain.

Fin:
Captain HAZMAT is ready to move in.

Captain Cragen:
Take her. Restrain her if you have to.

[Regarding Munch]

Fin:
Leave it to the prince of paranoia to take it up a notch.

Dr. Warner:
No. This time, Munch isn't crazy.

Novak:
You are thinking like a victim, 'Liv. if you were thinking like a cop, you'd realize that it's not that simple.

[Stabler wanders into the squad room late at night and finds Benson there.]

Stabler:
I thought the joint would be empty.

Benson:
I thought the doctors said you had to be on house arrest for 2 weeks.

Stabler:
I can't stay away.

Benson:
It's almost midnight.

Stabler:
I didn't want Cragen to see me.

Benson:
Yeah. I know the feeling.

Benson:
It's easy to be passionate when you're one of the victims.

Stabler:
What do you tell victims? Get help. The problem is you're not following your own advice right now.

Stabler:
It means sometimes the only way to beat someone at a dirty fight, is to get right down into the gutter with them.

[Morales attempts to hack into a corporate wireless network; he and Benson dodge security, looking for a signal. They enter the men's bathroom.]

Morales:
I'm in.

Benson:
It had to be in the men's room.

Morales:
Well, I have a signal and nobody can see us.

[after Charlotte's attempted suicide has led her to the hospital]

Stabler:
Mr. Truex?

Sidney:
What'd you do to my daughter? Hm? She gonna be okay?

Benson:
She's sleeping. The doctor says she's gonna be fine.

Sidney:
Oh, fine. Sure. Sure. She's lucky you didn't kill her.

Stabler:
We didn't slit her wrist.

Sidney:
No. But you interrogated her WITHOUT A LAWYER PRESENT!! You told her she did it! You made her suicidal with your accusations and innuendo!

Benson:
No. The drugs that she was on made her depressed, and her own guilt made her suicidal.

Sidney:
She's innocent, detective.

Benson:
Well, you know that's not true, since you're the one who saw her at the house.

Sidney:
I had a head injury. I dunno who I saw. And stay away from Charlotte. As soon as she's discharged, I'm takin' her home.

Stabler:
She's going to Rikers.

Sidney:
Over my dead body!

Fin:
You told Darius about the drugs and the gun, didn't you?

Ken:
10 years ago! I mean, I looked in the glove box and found the stash. As usual, you screamed at me. I was ten.

Fin:
There you go again. Will you change the channel?

Ken:
That right there is why I always went to Darius. Mom was so busy blaming you and you were so busy working, there was no one to hear me. How could I know he'd use it against you? How could I know he'd have a reason to?

Fin:
I wasn't there for you. Okay, you're angry. I get it. Get over it, man! Get a therapist. Work it out. I'm not trying to hear this right now!

Kathy:
You said you wanted to work things out. You said that you were ready to come home.

Stabler:
Look, Kathy, I'm sorry.

Kathy:
I don't care. Not about my pride, or my ego, or anything else. I need you to come home now, Elliot. Not for the kids. For me.

Stabler:
What's changed?

Kathy:
I'm pregnant.

Stabler:
You are a jinx.

Agent Lewis:
Who? Me?

Stabler:
The last year at the courthouse, when I got shot, you were there. You are bad luck. Every time you show up, I nearly get killed.

Agent Lewis:
You are still above ground, hon. Maybe I'm your good luck charm.

Benson:
Elliot told me to tell you you are nuts.

Agent Lewis:
That's just concussion talk.

Agent Lewis:
Hey Liv, what caliber gun do you use in the NYPD?

Benson:
38.

Agent Lewis:
Oh, mine's 40.

Benson:
That gun there, that's a 9 mil.

Agent Lewis:
Aah, mine's 10. And you know what they say: Size does matter.

Kathy:
Why haven't you signed the divorce papers? It's been months, Elliot. You won't talk to me. You won't talk to my lawyer. The kids are asking if we're getting back together. I've run out of things to say.

Stabler:
What do you want?

Kathy:
An answer.

Stabler:
I don't know.

Kathy:
Well, I guess that's an answer.

Captain Cragen:
[about Beck] What time did she get here?

Fin:
She never left.

Munch:
Some people should not be allowed to drink coffee.

[after Lorraine's testimony leads to Trenway pleading guilty to Nikki's rape]

Nikki:
Miss Delmas, how can I ever repay you?

Lorraine:
Move on. Live your life. Don't lock yourself away like I did.

Stabler:
Brent Allen Banks is free.

Beck:
Free on bail?

Novak:
Free to go and kill again free.

Munch:
Don't tell me this had anything to do with my uncle's meltdown in court yesterday.

Novak:
No, though that was special. We just finished the suppression hearing. The bite mark evidence was thrown out.

Beck:
Well, get it back in.

Stabler:
Judge already ruled on it.

Novak:
And because that evidence was our case, he threw out the indictment.

Beck:
How could you let that happen?

Novak:
[sarcastically] I guess I suck.

Porter:
Your partner back in New York - does he find you as annoying as I do?

Benson:
We're best friends.

Porter:
But does he find you annoying?

[Benson is arrested while undercover, and appointed a young public defender]

Mellott:
My name is Delray Mellott, and I'm your assigned public defender--

Benson:
What are you, 12?

Mellott:
I'm 25.

Benson:
Oh, this is great!

Thomas:
Mr. Peters? Here? This late? You gotta be kidding. Partners are all outta here by happy hour.

Munch:
Well, you got any idea where he might be?

Thomas:
He doesn't share his social calender with first year associates.

Fin:
Come on, man. Help a brotha out. My Captain's gonna put me on permanent midnights if I don't find him.

Thomas:
And if I don't get this distribution exactly right, my ass will be on the street. Sorry, "brotha".

Munch:
Guess the only color he cares about is green.

Stabler:
[about Beck's tattoo] Let's have a look, see if your guy is as good as you say he is.

Beck:
Take my word for it.

Stabler:
I'll show you mine.

Beck:
It wouldn't be a fair trade.

Captain Cragen:
If you're gonna stake out Central Park at night, take somebody with you.

Stabler:
You offering to be my partner?

Captain Cragen:
I'm not your type.

Stabler:
[grins] I don't know. Maybe I'd have better luck with a guy. Women keep leaving me.

Stabler:
I'm the longest relationship you've ever had with a man. You've no idea how bad things can get when a couple goes south.

Benson:
And 8 years in this unit tells me that I don't need to be married to know when an abusive man is escalating.

Fin:
One divorce was enough for me. I don't know how you did it four times.

Munch:
You gotta play to win.

Benson:
So, are we okay?

Stabler:
I just need space to disagree with you so that I don't feel like it's going to cost me our partnership.

Benson:
You never been gun-shy before.

Stabler:
Yeah, well, you know, things change.

Benson:
Well, like you said, you're the longest relationship that I've ever had with a man. Who else would put up with me?

Charlotte:
My dad says a lot of things that aren't true. He's a lawyer. He lies for a living.

Stabler:
[to Kathy] It's been a rough couple of days. And I've had a couple of days to think about what's important. I love my job and I love my family. And I nearly lost both of them. I wanna come home.

Captain Cragen:
Ms. Marino must be here for the obligatory grieving-mother footage.

Stabler:
Nothing like a parent's worst nightmare for must-see TV.

Judge Donnelly:
According to the suit, you conspired with Detective Stabler to deprive Paddy Kendall of his civil and Constitutional rights. Did you?

Novak:
No.

Judge Donnelly:
Pity. Guy sounds like a douchebag.

[Benson finds out that Simon is her half-brother]

Stabler:
Why don't you go talk to Marsden?

Benson:
And say what? "Hi, I'm Olivia. Your dad raped my mom." And, "Oh, I found you because I illegally ran my DNA."

Dr. Hendrix:
In my opinion, Detectives Benson and Stabler have a degree of mutual reliance and emotional dependence that compromises their effectiveness as police officers.

Captain Cragen:
In other words ...

Dr. Hendrix:
They're too close.

Captain Cragen:
You recommend I split them up?

Dr. Hendrix:
If you want to lose your two best detectives.

Benson:
Who today has 10 kids?

Stabler:
Not even Catholics.

Stabler:
[to a priest] So I confess to murder, what do you do? "Say five Hail Marys, hallelujah"?

Munch:
You could start a bonfire with all the alcohol this one drank. What's your poison, honey?

Reagan:
Shut up, you dirty old man.

Munch:
Who you calling old?

Matt:
You can't keep us in here!

Fin:
I'm sure your daddy will bail your ass out.

Munch:
I called him two hours ago. Looks like daddy thinks he could use a night in jail.

Fin:
You finish processing the princess, and I'll take them all down to central booking.

Luke:
You can't do this! I want my parents!

Munch:
Yeah, and I want the troops home, the Kyoto protocol signed, and a Tijuana oil job from Miss February.

Olivia:
You're sleeping with a teenage boy.

Lillian:
Jordan's a man. He's 17, it's not a crime.

Olivia:
Oh, it oughta be. You're old enough to be his mother.

Lillian:
Barely. When I was his age, I was pregnant with Becca.

Olivia:
So you're reliving your lost childhood? Is that it?

Lillian:
You don't get it. When was the last time a man your age asked you out?

Olivia:
Oh, we're not talking about me. I'm not the one who's sleeping with a teenager.

Lillian:
It's been a while since you had a date, hasn't it? That partner of yours is cute. But I bet he likes them younger. My ex sure did. I wasted ten good years on Wally before I found out he was schtupping his secretary. When he ran out on us, I was angry at first. But then I realized, if he could have a younger woman, I could have a younger man.

Olivia:
Your husband leaving you hardly justifies you sleeping with a high school student.

Lillian:
Why are you so bitter? Did someone leave you? Or maybe you had a chance once. Someone wanted to marry you, you thought you wanted something more?

Olivia:
And your "something more" is a teenage boy?

Lillian:
He knows his way around the bedroom.

Olivia:
And apparently around your liquor cabinet. What, you have to get him drunk to get him to sleep with you?

Lillian:
Hardly. He came on to me. Asked me to be his teacher.

Olivia:
So when was his first lesson?

Casey:
Doing time doesn't seem to scare him.

Cragen:
Because he knows it's an empty threat. Best we can do is a misdemeanor. Unless he has a prior record.

Casey:
You just said the magic words. "Prior record." Does the date October 26, 2005 mean anything to you?

Elliot:
Chicago White Sox won the World series. First time since 1970.

Casey:
It was also the first time Jordan was arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct. He tossed a beer bottle through a neighbor's bedroom window and then urinated on her front steps.

Elliot:
You can't hold your liquor, can you?

Casey:
The judge took it easy on him 'cause he was only 15, but you're an adult now.

Jordan:
So what?

Casey:
So you're looking at 15 days in jail, a $250 fine, and community service.

Micky:
Is it just me you got a thing for or is it all men?

Benson:
Oh, you’re the one with a “thing” problem, Micky… Those two girls said you got soft when you raped them. Is that why you hate all women?

Micky:
What I hate is a bull dyke who gets a little power and thinks she has to use it.

Simon:
Olivia, please believe me, I didn't rape anybody, I'm not a rapist!

Benson:
I don't believe rapists, and I know you are one, Simon.

Cragen:
[after Olivia roughs up a suspect in interrogation and she has to be removed from the room] What the hell is your problem?

Olivia:
We got a confession, didn't we?

Cragen:
And what part of that do you think is gonna stand up in court? A five-year-old could have done a better job!

Olivia:
Then go hire one.

Cragen:
I have had it with your crap.

[Olivia is about to leave, but Cragen stops her]

Cragen:
We are not finished yet.

Olivia:
You get your hands off me.

Cragen:
You go home. Now.

Kathleen:
[to Stabler] We're your family, not a booty call. Either come home, or don't, there's no in between.

O'Halloran:
[while recreating a murder with Stabler] You can aim it a hundred different ways, but unless you break my wrist you're not going to be able to make that mark. Now try shooting yourself.

Gates:
I want to report a rape.

Stabler:
One of your clients take advantage of you, counselor?

Scott:
Now, I lost my best friend. My only consolation is that Riley died doing what he loved. I am going to have to live with what I did to him for the rest of my life... which, I expect, will suck.

Denise:
[about her underage boyfriends] I loved them all.

Stabler:
So why did you leave them?

Denise:
They all got older, and I... didn't.