Law & Order: UK, Series 3

Rose Shaw:
You're making out I'm a bad mum!

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
I am shouting it loud and clear, Miss Shaw. You are a terrible mum.

CPS Director George Castle:
[about the Director of Public Prosecutions] God, I swear that woman was put on this earth just to irritate my duodenum. Now, whatever it takes, you guarantee that that jury find on manslaughter - diminished responsibility and not murder. I want that girl in a hospital, not a prison.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
What about the DPP?

CPS Director George Castle:
Oh, screw the DPP. I answer to Conor's mother on this one.

DS Matt Devlin:
She said she was folding the laundry so carefully she asked her to come and clean her daughters bedroom when she'd done (!)

DS Ronnie Brooks:
And?

DS Matt Devlin:
Well the laundry in the bin bag? Did that look folded to you?

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Have you got a description for us?

Witness:
Yeah, um. She was a sort of young Nancy Dell'olio, he was a toned down Mika.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
You ok?

DS Matt Devlin:
Yeah.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
Thanks for doing this, Matt. [Alesha squeezes his hand]

DS Matt Devlin:
Damaged goods? Well if I'd known that, I'd have told you years about about the day Eamon, my goldfish, died.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
You'll be alright.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
I lost an entire decade to cheap whisky. Luckily it was the 1980's.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
Another satisfied member of the James Steel fan club. What do you that winds these people up?

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
Oh you know... breathe.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
Book an ambulance James, because George is SO going to have an aneurysm.

DS Matt Devlin:
[about Alesha after she admits she's not a victim/suspect's favourite person] What's not to like? [Alesha looks touched]

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
You know when I was growing up? I saw girls like you. Hanging around the dealers and their shiny BMWs. Getting pregnant before you left school. All of you, thinking "he's my baby father, he'll treat me right." [laughs] Men like Jackson Marshall don't give a damn about girls like you. They don't give a damn about their own kids. All they care about is money. Now if you don't have the guts to stand up, speak out, he's gonna keep getting away with it, and every time he cocks his gun-every single time some poor kid O.D.s on his drugs that death is on your hands too. That's three years you've missed. Do you want to miss the next twenty? [points to a picture of Tamika's daughter.] Because unless you're there to protect her, one day she's going to be one of those girls, walking through the estate when some dealer swings by in his big shiny car.

DS Matt Devlin:
Security cameras are all fakes. They're only there as a deterrent.

DI Natalie Chandler:
This is what you get when you cut corners, gentlemen.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Just come from a budget meeting?

DI Natalie Chandler:
Don't ask. You don't fancy swapping your squad cars for bicycles do you?

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Oh that would be good. I can see me and [Matt] on a tandem.

DS Matt Devlin:
What's new there? You'll be at the back stuffing your face, I'll be at the front doing the leg work as usual

DI Natalie Chandler:
Wasn't a serious suggestion boys...

DS Matt Devlin:
Mmm, something smells like feet.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
I'm broadening your culinary horizons. Welcome to the world of Korean cuisine. Look at that! [Lifts some up]

DS Matt Devlin:
It's a claw...

DS Ronnie Brooks:
That's an exotic delicacy!

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
What happened to the other one?

DS Matt Devlin:
Larry, yeah? He got out. His solicitor managed to get the sexual assault charges dismissed.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
So he's back spreading the love.

DS Matt Devlin:
I guess so. I can introduce you if you like.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
Yeah, I think I'll pass. Actually Matt, I need to get a copy of your report.

DS Matt Devlin:
You want to check my homework?

DS Ronnie Brooks:
It's an oxymoron.

DS Matt Devlin:
No, it's not.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Matty, what are you talking about? Sausages are made from meat, not soya. And they certainly ain't made from vegetables.

DS Matt Devlin:
Why should veggies be denied the pleasure of a sausage roll? And let's face it, Ron, [indicates Ronnie's abdomen] it is half the fat.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
And half the taste. I'll have you know, I am at the peak of my fitness. Do not let this cuddly exterior fool you, son.

[They both sit down at their desks to eat when they see the rest of the office, including DI Chandler, quietly standing in a group and staring at them.]

DS Matt Devlin:
Blimey. Who died?

DS Ronnie Brooks:
[emotional upon seeing the body of a brutally-murdered young boy] Just when you think you've seen it all.

DS Matt Devlin:
I mean, whoever it was has got to have been covered in blood, not to mention they were carrying a bloody great sword.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Matt. This city is full of people walking around with blinkers on nowadays. Covent Garden is also full of people standing around in gold paint, fire eating or juggling. So, he might not have stood out that much.

DS Matt Devlin:
And he's still out there somewhere.

[The detectives are inside an organic beauty shop. Ronnie is looking at one of the products]

DS Matt Devlin:
You gonna buy that?

DS Ronnie Brooks:
I wouldn't know whether to wear it or eat it, look.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
As long as he takes his pills, his mind works just fine. Which means when he decided to stop taking them, he knew what he was doing.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
Yeah, but it's not like he went out and got high, though. That's his natural state.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
Well, I'm naturally bad-tempered. It doesn't mean I can punch you whenever you annoy me, which you're doing now, by the way.

CPS Prosecutor Alesha Phillips:
[mock outrage] I'd like to see you try.

CPS Director George Castle:
The Home Secretary feels very strongly that we should take the plea. He thinks it'll be a PR disaster if Smith is found "Not Guilty" after a long high-profile trial.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
And what did you say?

CPS Director George Castle:
I told him that it was entirely inappropriate for him to try to influence the prosecution of a high court case.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
[amused] Go, George.

CPS Director George Castle:
Well, I am indeed the man. But we are not operating in a vacuum here, James.

DS Matt Devlin:
I used to go out with a girl from here (a University library) once.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
Why's that? Need help with your homework, did you?

DS Matt Devlin:
Amanda Teague. We used to meet up after the library closed. Go for a quickie in social sciences.

DS Ronnie Brooks:
[aghast] What's the matter with you? This is a place of learning.

DS Matt Devlin:
[smiling] We were learning.

CPS Director George Castle:
A young Asian boy is stabbed, nobody seems to care. A pretty white girl is raped, suddenly it's headline news.

CPS Prosecutor James Steel:
All we needed was P.T. Barnum and we could have sold tickets.