Loki, Season 1

Loki:
I am Loki of Asgard. And I am burdened with glorious purpose.

Clerk:
Please confirm to your knowledge that you are not a fully robotic being, were born an organic creature, and do in fact possess what many cultures would call a soul.

Loki:
What? "To my knowledge"? Do a lot of people not know if they're robots?

Clerk:
Thank you for your conformation. Please move through.

[Loki enters, but does not move forward.]

Loki:
What if I was a robot and I didn't know it?

Clerk:
The machine would melt you from the inside out. Please move along, sir.

[Loki is one of two people in an extended wait in line]

Loki:
[angrily] THIS IS A MISTAKE! I SHOULDN'T BE HERE!

Miss Minutes:
[narration] Hey there! You're probably saying, "This is a mistake. I shouldn't even be here." Welcome to the Time Variance Authority. I'm Miss Minutes, and it's my job to catch you up before you stand trial for your crimes. So let's not waste another minute. Settle in, sharpen your pencils, and check this out. Long ago, there was a vast multiversal war. Countless unique timelines battled each other for supremacy, nearly resulting in the total destruction of... well, everything. But then, the all-knowing Time-Keepers emerged, bringing peace by reorganizing the multiverse into a single timeline, the Sacred Timeline. Now, the Time-Keepers protect and preserve the proper flow of time for everyone and everything. But sometimes, people like you veer off the path the Time-Keepers created. We call those Variants. Maybe you started an uprising, or were just late for work. Whatever it was, stepping off your path created a nexus event, which, left unchecked, could branch off into madness, leading to another multiversal war. But don't worry. To make sure that doesn't happen, the Time-Keepers created the TVA and all its incredible workers. The TVA has stepped in to fix your mistake and set time back on its predetermined path. Now that your actions have left you without a place on the timeline, you must stand trial for your offenses. So, sit tight, and we'll get you in front of a judge in no time. Just make sure you have your ticket, and you'll be seen by the next available attendant. For all time.

Workers:
Always!

Loki:
"Time-Keepers"? "The Sacred Timeline"? Who actually believes this bunkum?

Loki:
I'm gonna burn this place to the ground.

Mobius:
I'm gonna show you where my desk is, you can start there.

Loki:
Are you taking me somewhere to kill me?

Mobius:
No. That's where you just were. I'm taking you some place to talk.

Loki:
I don't like to talk.

Mobius:
But you do like to lie, which you just did. Because we both know you love to talk. Talkie-talkie.

Loki:
How long have you been here?

Mobius:
I don't know. It's hard to say, you know? Time passes differently here in the TVA.

Loki:
What does that mean?

Mobiua:
You'll catch on.

Mobius:
That is the proper flow of time, and it happens again and again because it's supposed to. Because it has to.

Loki:
What's your name?

Casey:
Casey.

Loki:
Give me the Tesseract, or I'll gut you like a fish, Casey.

Casey:
What's a fish?

Loki:
How do you not know what a fish is?

Casey:
I've lived my entire life behind a desk.

Loki:
Well, what difference does it make?

Casey:
I wanna know exactly what I'm being threatened with before I comply.

Loki:
Death, Casey. Violent, painful death.

Loki:
I don't enjoy hurting people. I...I don't enjoy it. I do it because I have to, because I've had to.

Mobius:
Okay, explain that to me.

Loki:
Because it's part of the illusion. It's the cruel, elaborate trick conjured by the weak to inspire fear.

Mobius:
A desperate play for control. You do know yourself.

Loki:
A villain.

Mobius:
That's not how I see it.

Loki:
We have a saying in Asgard, "Where there are wolf's ears, wolf's teeth are near." It means to be aware of your surroundings.

Loki:
By the way, at your desk, that magazine...

Mobius:
Yeah, the one on jet skis?

Loki:
Yes. Why do you have that?

Mobius Because they're awesome.

Loki:
[chuckles] Suppose they are.

Mobius:
Yeah, you know some things, actually most things in history are kind of dumb and everything gets ruined eventually but in the early 1990s for a brief shining moment there was a beautiful union between form and function which we call a jet ski and a reasonable man can't differ.

Loki:
Have you ever been on one?

Mobius:
No. No, I think a TVA agent showing up on a jet ski on the Sacred Timeline, that would create a branch for sure.

Loki:
It would be fun, though.

Mobius:
Yeah, it'd be really fun.

Mobius:
Who created you, Loki?

Loki:
A frost giant of Bodenheim.

Mobius:
And who raised you?

Loki:
Odin of Asgard.

Mobius:
Odin, god of the heavens, Asgard, mystical realm beyond the stars, frost giants, just listen to yourself.

Loki:
Those are different things.

Mobius:
No no no, that's exactly the same thing because if you think too hard about where any of us came from, who we truly are, it sounds pretty ridiculous. Existence is chaos.

Mobius:
Kablooie.

Loki:
What's that?

Mobius:
Candy. Do you have candy on Asgard?

Loki:
Yeah. Grapes, nuts.

Mobius:
No wonder you're so bitter.

Mobius:
Hey! These people are scared.

Hunter D-90:
They're about to die. They should be scared.

Mobius:
Okay. Not of us.

Loki:
Brute force is no substitute for diplomacy and guile.

Loki:
Um, uh, look, I can't go backwards on a train.

Sylvie:
Well, I never sit with my back to a door.

Loki:
What? There are doors on both sides.

Sylvie:
Oh, just sit down.

Loki:
A pity the old woman chose to die, don't you think?

Sylvie:
She was in love.

Loki:
She hated him.

Sylvie:
Maybe love is hate.

Loki:
Should probably remember that. [materializes a quill pen and paper] What was that? [writing] "Love is... Love is hate."

Sylvie:
Oh, piss off!

[Loki makes the quill pen and paper disappear again]

Loki:
So, on the subject of love, is there a lucky beau waiting for you at the end of this crusade?

Sylvie:
[sarcastically] Yeah, there is, actually. I managed to maintain quite a serious long-distance relationship with a postman whilst running across time from one apocalypse to another.

Loki:
And with charm like that, who could resist you?

Sylvie:
Well, people are quite willing in the face of certain doom.

Loki:
I'm sure they are.

Sylvie:
It was only ever just to keep me going. How about you? You're a prince. Must've been would-be-princesses or perhaps, another prince.

Loki:
A bit of both. I suspect the same as you. But, nothing ever...

Sylvie:
...real.

[Loki nods]

Loki:
Love is a dagger. [materializes a dagger] It's a weapon to be wielded far away or up close. You can see yourself in it. It's beautiful. [turns the dagger towards himself] Until it makes you bleed. But ultimately, when you reach for it,...

[Sylvie reaches for the dagger, only for it to disappear]

Sylvie:
It isn't real.

Loki:
Yeah.

Sylvie:
Love is an imaginary dagger.

Loki:
Doesn't make sense, does it?

Sylvie:
No. Terrible metaphor.

Loki:
Damn. I thought I had something there.

Sylvie:
You're not a serious man.

Loki:
You're right. I'm a god.

Sylvie:
You're a clown. You got drunk on the train.

Loki:
I'm hedonistic. That's what I do.

Sylvie:
I'm hedonistic. A lot more than you, I assure you. But never at the expense of the mission.

Loki:
Oh, the mission? The mission? What, your glorious purpose? Give me a break. You can't beat them.

[frustrated, Sylvie walks off and screams in anger while causing a small energy blast in the ground]

Sylvie:
I remember Asgard. Not much, but I remember. My home, my people, my life. The universe wants to break free, so it manifests chaos. Like me being born the Goddess of Mischief. And as soon as that created a big enough detour from the Sacred Timeline, the TVA showed up, erased my reality, and took me prisoner. I was just a child. I escaped. Stole a TemPad and I ran for a long, long time, which really sucked. Everywhere and every-when I went, it caused a Nexus Event. Sent up a smoke flare. Because I'm not supposed to exist. Until, eventually, I figured out where to hide. And so that's where I grew up, the ends of a thousand worlds. Now... that's where I'll die.

Sylvie:
Do you think that what makes a Loki a Loki is the fact that we're destined to lose?

Loki:
No. We may lose. Sometimes painfully. But we don't die. We survive.

Mobius:
Well?

Loki:
Well, what?

Mobius:
I know you got some quip you're dyin'to say.

Loki:
I don't have a quip. I've got nothing to say to you.

Mobius:
Come on.

Loki:
By the way, I should have an equal amount of security. This is insulting!

Mobius:
You just can't help yourself.

Loki:
You betrayed me!

Mobius:
You betrayed me!

Loki:
Grow up!

Mobius:
You grow up! You know, it occurred to me that you're not really the God of Mischief.

Loki:
Oh, here it comes. The folksy, dopey insult from the folksy dope. What am I? The God of Self-Sabotage, yeah? The God of Back-Stabbing?

Mobius:
Just kind of an asshole and a bad friend. Yeah, chew on that for a little bit.

Loki:
I'm a horrible person. I get it. I really am. I cut off your hair because I thought it'd be funny. And it's not. I crave attention because I'm... I'm a narcissist. And I suppose it's... It's because I'm scared of being alone.

Loki:
I'm not lying.

Mobius:
Now, I'm supposed to believe your girlfriend.

Loki:
She's not my girlfriend.

Mobius:
Whatever you want call her. What, your female self that you have some demented crush on…

Loki:
You're all Variants! Everyone who works at the TVA. The Time-Keepers didn't create you. They kidnapped you from the timeline, and erased your memories. Memories she can access through enchantment. So before this, you had a past, maybe you had a family, a life.

[Mobius is silent for a few seconds.]

Mobius:
Nice try. That was good. You two, what a pair! Gosh! Unbelievable. Wherever you go, it's just death, destruction, the literal ends of worlds. Well, I'm gonna have to close this case now, 'cause I don't need you anymore. Yeah, or as you might say, our interests are no longer aligned.

Loki:
You know, of all the liars in this place, and there are a great many, you're the biggest.

Mobius:
Why? 'Cause I lied about your girlfriend?

Loki:
Oh, no. That I can respect. I mean, the lies you tell yourself.

[Mobius enters Loki's time-looped prison.]

Mobius:
What are you doing?

Loki:
Passing the time.

Mobius:
Do you care about her?

Loki:
Sylvie? I'm not sure if it's the right word. We covered this back in there.

Mobius:
Shut up! Do you really think you deserve to be alone? Loki!

Loki:
You told me to shut up.

Mobius:
Do you believe you deserve to be alone?

Loki:
I don't know.

Mobius:
You better figure it out quick, because the Nexus Event the two of you caused, whatever that connection is, can bring this whole place down. So, we better understand...

Loki:
We?

Mobius:
Do you swear she didn't implant those memories in Hunter C-20?

Loki:
Mobius, no. I believe her.

Mobius:
So, I just have to trust the word of two Lokis?

Loki:
How about the word of a friend?

Mobius:
You were right, about the TVA. You were right from the beginning. And if you wanna save her, you need to trust me. Can we do that?

Loki:
Yes.

Mobius:
Okay. You could be whoever, whatever you wanna be, even someone good. I mean, just in case anyone ever told you different.

[Loki smiles.]

Loki:
[yelling] Will someone please explain to me what the hell is going on?! [lowers his voice] Look, it's been a very, very, very trying past few days. Months? I don't even know how long it's been since New York. All I know is I got pruned, and I woke up here, and now I'm surrounded by Variants of myself, plus an alligator, which I'm heartbroken to report I didn't even find all that strange.

Loki:
[to Classic Loki] Why do you wear the horns? You let a child command you.

Classic Loki:
You'll do well to respect the boy. This is his kingdom.

Loki:
Right. And what was your nexus event, Your Majesty?

Kid Loki:
[looks right at Loki] I killed Thor.

Hunter B-15:
What exactly do you want from me?

Renslayer:
You had a link with the Variant. I want you to tell me what drives her.

Hunter B-15:
Revenge drives her. Killing the Time-Keepers. But they turned out to be fake, in case you forgot. So she'll be searching for whomever created them. [regards Renslayer and realizes.] This isn't about protecting the TVA at all, is it? You just want to find whoever is behind all of this, too. [chuckles] You'll never find them. Not before she does.

Renslayer:
And why is that?

Hunter B-15:
You only want it. She needs it.

Sylvie:
How do I know that, in the final moments, you won't betray me?

Loki:
Listen, Sylvie, I... I betrayed everyone who ever loved me. I betrayed my father, my brother, my home. I know what I did. And I know why I did it. And that's not who I am anymore. Okay? I won't let you down.

Mobius:
Looks like you got away in the end.

Loki:
I always do. What will you do at the TVA?

Mobius:
Burn it to the ground. Thanks for the spark.

Loki:
I think we may be stronger than we realize

Sylvie:
Aren't you gonna tell me not to kick the door in?

Loki:
It never made a difference.

Sylvie:
Well, if you think it's a bad idea, I prefer you to speak your mind.

Loki:
No. Nothing to say.

Sylvie:
That would be a first.

Miss Minutes:
All of it. Everything. Exactly the way you've always wanted. And you can have it all, together.

Sylvie:
It's fiction.

Loki:
We write our own destiny now.

Miss Minutes:
[mockingly] Oh, sure you do. Good luck with that. [disappears]

He Who Remains:
I understand your moral objections to what the TVA does. And my methods are deceptive. But the mission, it never was. Without the me, without the TVA, everything burns.

Loki:
Then what are you so afraid of?

He Who Remains:
Me.

Sylvie:
And just who are you?

He Who Remains:
Oh, I've been dubbed many names by many people. A ruler, a conqueror, He Who Remains, a jerk. But it's, it's not as simple as a name. Eons ago, before the TVA, a Variant of myself lived on Earth in the 31st Century. He was a scientist, and he discovered that there were universes stacked on top of his own. At the same time, other versions of us were learning the same thing. Naturally, they made contact, and for a while there was peace. Narcissistic, self-congratulatory peace. "I love your shoes." "I love your hair." "Oh, man, nice nose." "Thanks, man." Et cetera. They shared technology and knowledge, using the best of their universes to improve the others. However, not every version of me was so pure of heart. To some of us, new worlds meant only one thing: new lands to be conquered. The peace between realities erupted into all-out war, each variant fighting to preserve their universe and annihilate the others. This was almost the end of everything and everyone.

Sylvie:
And then the Time-Keepers came along and saved us all.

He Who Remains:
Amen. No. No. Nope, this is where we diverge from the dogma. That first variant encountered a creature created from all the tears in reality, capable of consuming time and space itself. A creature you both know.

Loki:
Alioth.

He Who Remains:
Bingo! I harnessed the beast's power and began experimenting on it. I weaponized Alioth and I ended, I ended the Multiversal War. Once I isolated our timeline, all I had to do was manage the flow of time and prevent any further branches. Hence, the TVA. Hence, the Time-Keepers and a highly efficient bureaucracy. Hence, ages and ages of cosmic harmony. Hence, you're welcome. You came to kill the devil, right? Well, guess what? I keep you safe. And if you think I'm evil, well, just wait 'til you meet my variants. And that's the gambit. Stifling order or cataclysmic chaos. You may hate the dictator, but something far worse is going to fill that void if you depose of him. I've lived a million lifetimes. I've gone through every scenario. This is the only way. The TVA, it works.

[Loki has just intercepted Sylvie before she can kill He Who Remains.]

Loki:
[softly] Stop.... [softer] Stop.... I've been where you are. I've felt what you feel. Don't ask me how I know. All I know... is I don't want to hurt you. I don't want a throne. I just... [sighs] I just want you to be okay.

[Sylvie breaks down, drops her sword and kisses Loki, turning him away from He Who Remains.]

Sylvie:
But I'm not you.

[Sylvie blasts Loki through a portal back to the TVA.]

Mobius:
That's, what, 63 new branches in this unit alone?

Hunter B-15:
Does he want us to just let them all branch?

Mobius:
At this point, how are we going to stop it?

Loki:
We can't!

[Mobius and Hunter B-15 turn towards Loki.]

Mobius:
What? What did you say?

Loki:
It's done, Mobius. we made a terrible mistake.

Hunter B-15:
What's done?

Loki:
We freed the timeline. We found him beyond the storm. A Citadel at the End of Time. He's terrifying. He planned everything. He's seen everything. He knows everything. It's complicated, okay? But someone is coming. Countless different versions of a very dangerous person and they're all set on war. We need to prepare.

Mobius:
Take it easy. You're an analyst, right? What division are you from?

Loki:
What? What are you talking about?

Mobius:
Who are you? What's your name?

[Hunter B-15 radios other minutemen.]

Hunter B-15:
Boots on the ground now. Archives.

Mobius:
Who are you?

[Confused beyond belief, Loki turns around in horror and sees that the statues of the Time Keepers have been replaced with a statue of He Who Remains.]