Lucifer, Season 1

Traffic Cop:
You know why I pulled you over?

Lucifer Morningstar:
Well, obviously you felt the need to exercise your limited powers and punish me for ignoring the speed limit. It's okay, I understand. It's…I…I like to punish people too. Or, at least I used to.

Amenadiel:
Your return to the underworld has been requested.

Lucifer:
Oh, right. Okay. Let me just, uh…check my calendar. Yeah, here it is. Uh…the 7th of Never through to the 15th of Ain't Gonna Happen. How's that work for you guys? Ah, look…remind Dad that I quit Hell because I was sick and tired of playing a part in His play.

Amenadiel:
I'm gonna warn you against disrespecting our Father, Lucifer.

Lucifer:
Yeah, well, our Father's been disrespecting me since the beginning of time, so pot-kettle, don't you think?

Amenadiel:
You…are a mockery of everything divine.

Lucifer:
Thank you.

Chloe Decker:
"Lucifer Morningstar." What, is that like a stage name or something?

Lucifer:
God given, I'm afraid.

Chloe:
Why don't you tell me something? How did she end up dying in a hailstorm of bullets and you get away without a scratch? I think that's interesting, don't you?

Lucifer:
The benefits of immortality.

Chloe:
Immortality? Mm. Of course. Uh…you spell that with one or two "m"s? I always forget.

2Vile:
You have a problem with black people?

Lucifer:
No, not in the slightest. I just hate your music. And when I say your music, I mean your music, not the music made by other black people. Without the blues, there would be no Devil's music whatsoever. There are of course many giants in the field. Just not you. Am I being clear?

Trixie:
My name's Beatrice but everybody calls me Trixie.

Lucifer:
That's a hooker's name.

Trixie:
What's a hooker?

Lucifer:
Ask your mother.

Dan Espinoza:
I don't know whether to laugh or shoot you.

Lucifer:
Surprise me.

Chloe:
So our only evidence is currently in your lungs?

Lucifer:
[amused] Aah, you really wanted to say "up in smoke" then, didn't you?

Chloe:
[not amused] No. No, I most definitely did not.

Dr. Linda Martin:
So you're the Devil?

Lucifer:
Yes. Yes. Well, Satan, Beelzebub, Old Scratch. Actually, I like that one in particular. But, uh, those were the old me. These days, you just have plain old Lucifer.

Linda:
And you've left Hell behind to take a vacation in Los Angeles?

Lucifer:
Well, where else would I go?

Lucifer:
What makes you different?

Chloe:
I guess we both have our mysteries.

Lucifer:
Ah. Well, I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

Linda:
Sometimes it's easier to make intimate issues about something bigger than yourself.

Lucifer:
Well, there are few things bigger than myself.

Linda:
I'm well aware.

Lucifer:
I think you like me.

Chloe:
What part of the look on my face gives you that impression?

Linda:
You know, you say... you say people are phony here, but I think people come here to re-invent themselves. That's why I think you're here. To reinvent yourself.

Lucifer:
Why would I mess with perfection?

Young Woman:
Lucifer Morningstar, the guy who owns Lux?

Lucifer:
Yes, that is me.

Young Woman:
No it's not. I've seen him before, his beats are sick.

Lucifer:
I very much beg your pardon?

Young Woman:
Yeah, he performed at a rap battle in The Valley last week.

Lucifer:
Every part of that sentence horrifies me.

Young Woman:
It is so gross, that you're pretending to be someone you're not. And your accent is fake.

Chloe:
Finally some rain. Maybe someone up there is looking out for us.

Lucifer:
I can assure you He's in no way meteorologically-inclined. Apart from the whole Noah thing and that was a one-off.

Lucifer:
Do I get a code word? You know, for when you take her down. If so, might I suggest "monkey bottoms"? 'Cause trust me, I can work that into any sentence quite naturally.

Dan:
Once I engage with her, I will hire her to fix a problem of mine.

Lucifer:
Right. Well, if it's that stick up your ass, I'm afraid there's no one strong enough to pull that out.

Chloe:
Let me make myself perfectly clear. I will never, ever, ever sleep with you. Never. Okay? Got it?

Lucifer:
Playing hard to get. I like it.

Chloe:
When Hell freezes over, Lucifer.

Lucifer:
I can arrange that, actually.

Chloe:
Where did you get this dress anyhow?

Lucifer:
Oh, it was left behind by my one of my 'overnight guests'.

Chloe:
What was she wearing when she left?

Lucifer:
A smile.

Chloe:
Mm. if I get an STD from this thing, I'm going to kill you.

Dan:
What in God's name are you doing here?

Lucifer:
Nothing in His name. Here on my own, actually.

Chloe:
What are you? Did you do this?

Lucifer:
I've been trying to tell you, I'm the Devil.

Chloe:
That's...that's not possible.

Lucifer:
I assure you Detective, it is. I mean, you've said yourself, there are things you can't explain. Do you need more proof? You got the gun, come on, shoot me.

Chloe:
No-- I can't shoot you!

Lucifer:
Sure you can! Go on, give her a little squeeze, and we'll be good to go.

Chloe:
No!

Lucifer:
Just shoot me, Detective, please! Because, maybe, you'll finally--

Lucifer:
Good for you! See? Hardly hurts.

Chloe:
I can't believe it...

Lucifer:
[pain kicking in] Daaaahhhh, actually, no, it's hurting a little bit. It's-- GOD, it's hurting a lot! Son of a bitch, that really hurts! [looks at the wound, notices blood on his hand] I'm bleeding...

Chloe:
You're bleeding!

Lucifer:
God-- Of course you're bleeding!

Chloe:
I thought you didn't lie.

Lucifer:
I don't. But I don't always tell the whole truth.

Lucifer:
Cool ranch puff?

Chloe:
No, thanks.

Lucifer:
No? It's funny, isn't it? You'd think the king of hellfire would be more of a flaming hot guy, but love these bad boys.

Maze:
But if you insist on continuing this exploration, maybe next time, I won't be around to save your ass.

Lucifer:
Well, that is a shame. 'Cause you and my backside used to get on very well. My front side as well, actually.

Chloe:
Please tell me I'm hallucinating.

Lucifer:
Well, I am dreamy, but try to contain yourself.

Barista:
And your name?

Maze:
"Mazikeen".

Barista:
How do you spell that?

Maze:
Surprise me.

Lucifer:
The good news is that whilst all dogs go to Heaven, you'd be surprised how many pigs are waiting for you in Hell.

Lucifer:
I'm now an official civilian consultant for the LAPD. Not that there's anything civil about the Devil. What fun would that be?

Lucifer:
This poor sap's either already in Hell or in the "Silver City, enduring Uriel's welcome speech, which is far worse than Hell, if you ask me.

Chloe:
Let's pretend for one second that you're someone else. Someone nice, someone mature.

Lucifer:
Ooh, I love role-play.

Linda:
And yet you keep trying on many hats to hide your horns. Playboy, cop, club owner...

Lucifer:
Yes, you forget "master of all things tongue-related."

Linda:
If only I knew someone who could help me with the Bible.

Amenadiel:
(as Dr. Canaan) I know so much about it, it's almost as if I was there.

Lucifer:
That was incredible. It was musical, poetic, really. We were like fish and chips, salt and pepper. Hipsters and condescension.

Chloe:
I need your help like I need a third boob.

Lucifer:
Hmm.

Chloe:
Wait. Don't say a word. 'knew it was a mistake the minute it came out of my mouth.

[at an illicit auction of allegedly holy artifacts, Lucifer and Amenadiel examine the goods]

Amenadiel:
Paul's wrists were too thick to fit in those chains.

Lucifer:
I know. That man never could pass on dessert, could he?

Amenadiel:
He should have been the saint of…

Lucifer and Amenadiel:
Honey cakes!

[the brothers laugh together, then awkwardly stop]

Chloe:
Remember the Palmetto case I was telling you about?

Lucifer:
The case that's been consuming you, causing people to despise you, call you names--I even quarreled on occasion because of it? No, doesn't ring a bell.

Lucifer:
You're not busy, are you?

Chloe:
Actually, shocker, I am busy. And it's really not a good day for…your…"Lucifer-ness."

Lucifer:
Now, I'm not one to get into the feels, usually, but…you seem genuinely distressed. You okay? Do you want to—I don't know—chat about it or something? Sex is always on the table.

Amenadiel:
You sure you don't want to chase after her? Maybe I can ask Father for some rain and make it a moment.

Dan:
We brought you a birthday gift.

Lucifer:
Is that the royal "we"?

Chloe:
Whiskey with a pickle juice chaser. It's our station's birthday tradition.

Lucifer:
Lovely! How can I refuse? Can I refuse?

Dan:
Of course you can. and we'll always think less of you.

Lucifer:
You're supposed to be on my side, you know.

Linda:
No. I'm supposed to help you process your emotions so that you can deal with them constructively.

Lucifer:
Yes, by being on my side and realizing that I'm right.

Linda:
What's bothering you right now?

Lucifer:
Well... right now I'm experiencing a very odd feeling. It's--it's like a fat man sitting on my chest. But not in a fun way.

Chloe:
You. You're really in therapy?

Lucifer:
Why is that so surprising?

Chloe:
You're the least reflective person I know.

Lucifer:
I have layers. I'm like an onion. An irresistible one.

Chloe:
You don't save a marriage by sleeping with other people.

Lucifer:
It can't hurt to try.

Chloe:
Pretty sure it can.

[Father Frank enters Lux and approaches Lucifer]

Lucifer:
A priest walks into a bar? I've heard this one before, never seen it, though.

Linda:
Have you ever considered that all of this excessive partying may be your attempt to fill a void?

Lucifer:
"Attempt"? I filled five voids last night.

Linda:
That's not what I meant.

Lucifer:
The most evil of people have the most normal names, I've experienced. Beware anyone named Keith.

Father Frank:
We all have demons inside.

Lucifer:
My demon tends the bar.

Father Frank:
We might not always understand it, but God has a plan.

Lucifer:
Yes, I know. But why does everybody always think it's a good plan?

[Lucifer tends to the mortally wounded Father Frank]

Father Frank:
It's okay. I'm not afraid of dying.

Lucifer:
Well, you should be. It's really boring where you're going.

Father Frank:
Hope so. I've had enough excitement for one life.

Lucifer:
[desperately] Stop talking like that! You've got more to do here, you've got more people to annoy!

[after Frank's death, Lucifer tries to process it all from his apartment]

Lucifer:
You…You cruel, manipulative bastard. Is this all part of Your plan? It's all just a game to You, isn't it? Eh? Well, I know punishment, and he did not deserve that. He followed Your stupid rules and it still wasn't good enough! So what does it take to please You? Break Your rules, and you fall. Follow them, and you still lose! Doesn't matter whether you're a sinner! Doesn't matter whether you're a saint! Nobody can win, so what's the point? What's the bloody point?

Dan:
Okay, monkey, surprise. You get to eat chocolate cake in bed tonight.

Trixie:
Why?

Dan:
Does it matter?

Trixie:
Nope.

Dan:
You don't care who you piss off, do you?

Lucifer:
Not in the slightest, no.

Trixie:
Is Lucifer here?

Maze:
Who are you supposed to be?

Trixie:
I'm Trixie, his friend.

Maze:
His friends get worse and worse.

Maze:
I made a friend today.

Linda:
That's fantastic news. Who?

Maze:
An eight-year-old girl who wandered into the bar.

Linda:
Well... that's a start. Perhaps the next one can be of legal drinking age.

Chloe:
I can't believe that I would let myself care for him again. I mean, why? So I get hurt?

Lucifer:
Um, no, because you're a kind person who puts the needs of others before your own. It's a horrible irony that my father invented.

Lucifer:
I love L.A. Even the homeless have an IMDB page.

Maze:
You can't be mad at me forever.

Lucifer:
Oh, but I can. It's one of the luxuries of being the Devil.

Chloe:
Oh, God, what have I done?

Lucifer:
Don't worry, my father's the forgiving sort. Well, except when it comes to me.

Lucifer:
I know some folks who moved to Buenos Aires back in the day.

Vanessa Dunlear:
Oh. Good people?

Lucifer:
Nazis. No extradition treaty in Argentina. Just a nasty bunch of miscreants hiding in plain sight. Gosh, they got away with murder.

Chloe:
Only you could turn a tragic death into an excuse to talk about you.

Lucifer:
Well, who else would I talk about?

Chloe:
Where have you been?

Lucifer:
Ah, you know me—busy, busy, No rest for the wicked.

Chloe:
Right. 'Cause deviant foreplay is so time-consuming.

Maze:
Want to watch?

Malcolm Graham:
Just wanted to do my part for the man of the hour. [winks at Lucifer]

Lucifer:
It's the wink with the porn 'stache sending the wrong message, I think.

Chloe:
What happened?

Lucifer:
Well…where do I begin? With the grandest fall in the history of time? Or perhaps the far more agonizing punishment that followed? To be blamed for every morsel of evil humanity's endured, every atrocity committed in my name? As though I wanted people to suffer. All I ever wanted was to be my own man here. To be judged for my own doing. And for that? I've been shown how truly powerless I am. That even the people trusted—the one person, you—could be used to hurt me.

Maze:
Come on, you can't say this isn't the best sex you've ever had. Well, it is the only sex you've ever had, but still.

Lucifer:
If that's supposed to be an offering to me, I decline on grounds of salmonella.

Lucifer:
So how's this? Step one, travel back in time and not make such a mess of things.

Amenadiel:
You know, I'm suddenly reminded of why I wanted you dead in the first place.

Chloe:
Just pretend you don't know Lucifer.

Dan:
I already like it.

Lucifer:
Look, I know you think I'm a bad guy, but I'm simply trying to catch our dear friend Malcolm…so I can tear his arms and legs off.

Lucifer:
Don't move or 'wobbly head' gets it.

[critically wounded, Lucifer tries praying to his father for help]

Lucifer:
I don't know if this is all part of the plan. Or if You can even hear me. But if You're up there…Dad…I need a favor. I'll be the son You always wanted me to be. I'll do as You ask. Go where You want me to. I…In exchange, all I ask is…is that You protect Chloe.

[last lines of the season:
Lucifer tells Amenadiel about what he saw in his brief return to Hell]

Lucifer:
I spoke to Dad.

Amenadiel:
Excuse me?

Lucifer:
Yeah. I offered Him my services in exchange f— Well, that really doesn't matter. He accepted.

Amendaiel:
He replied to you.

Lucifer:
Well, not in words, but His message was clear.

Amenadiel:
And what does Father want?

Lucifer:
Someone's escaped from Hell. Must've seen a window of opportunity whilst you were incapacitated. I think He wants me to bring our jailbird back.

Amenadiel:
That's it? Well, it shouldn't be too hard to track down a single errant soul. [he chuckles, but stops when he notices Lucifer nervously tapping his drink glass] You're afraid.

Lucifer:
Damn right I am.

Amenadiel:
Right, but you're never afraid. Who could possibly scare you, brother? [beat] Lucifer…who escaped Hell?

Lucifer:
Mum.