MacGyver, Season 2

MacGyver:
When James Bond gets an assignment, it's on the Riviera, up to his 007 in bikinis. Me? I end up 80 miles past nowhere. Courtesy of my buddy, Pete Thornton. New operations director of the Phoenix Foundation.

MacGyver:
Look. If this works, it'll keep us from getting caught. If it doesn't, it'll keep us from getting old.

Jimmy(The Eraser):
Dreams are important, otherwise sleep is just eight hours of nothing.

Thornton:
Mmm, this is great. Did you make this?

MacGyver:
You're supposed to heat it.

Thornton:
Mmm, I like it cold.

MacGyver:
I didn't think you'd go in for whipped bean curd.

MacGyver:
You don't go to people with your problems. You come to your friends.

Helene:
Do you believe in fate MacGyver? Well I do. Whenever I do anything good, it turns out bad and whenever I do anything bad it turns out worse!

MacGyver:
For the past seven years I have done nothing but travel around the world getting shot up, locked up, blown up... and all I have to show for it are a couple of empty rolls of duct tape.

Jill:
MacGyver. Sometime consultant for the Phoenix Foundation. Alleged hockey player. Camel smuggler. Jack of all trades.

MacGyver:
Jill Melissa Ludlum. Born in London. PhD, System Design, Oxford University, 1980. 1980-82, designed the Ludlum cybernetic circuit. 82-83... took a year off, for personal reasons. 83-86, immersed in the SRDA project. Hasn't come up for air yet. Reported to be a premiere technocrat.

MacGyver:
A little problem here. I forgotten to bring along a card key. But you can't let something like that throw ya. Just because of a... laser trap. One of the things I used to love about the circus was the way they worked without a safety net. Scared me then, still does.... especially with a 20,000 volt laser ready to zap me.

Pete:
We don't "roll the dice," we make a calculated choice. It's time we tried to think like MacGyver. His mind doesn't work like yours - or mine. We've got to put our gut to work, Woody.

Colonel Woodward:
Instinct doesn't cut it, Pete. We've got plans.

Pete:
Woody, these bypass codes are never gonna get us through the front door. MacGyver's got to know that by now, too. I'm sure he's looking for some other way out.

Colonel Woodward:
Pete, you can't be sure of anything.

Steven Lee:
If you're right, Mr. Thornton, MacGyver only has two choices for another way out. The maintenance shaft or the exhaust outlet.

Pete:
Well, now we're getting somewhere.

Steven Lee:
There's a catch. Both of them are mined with explosives from the outside access ports. We only have time to dismantle one.

Pete:
Mined? So you're telling me if Mac tries to exit either way before we diffuse the explosives...

Colonel Woodward:
He's gonna blow both of them to kingdom come.

Jill:
This was a bad idea. This garbage chute is programmed to send everything into an acid bath. It can only hold 280 pounds.

MacGyver:
I weigh 175. That means if you weigh any more than 105, we're in trouble.

Jill:
I think we're OK.

[Garbage chute begins to activate]

Jill:
I lied, I'm 108!

Joanne:
What're we gonna do?

MacGyver:
Give me a couple of bobby pins.

Joanne:
Bobby pins? Sure.

MacGyver:
Yeah. Great. Let me borrow this, and, uh, a couple of buttons. Make it three.

Joanne:
Another MacGyverism! Oh...

MacGyver:
And let me borrow your glasses, please.

Joanne:
They're yours.

MacGyver:
Yeah, thanks.

Joanne:
So what do we do now?

MacGyver:
(letting down her hair, opening up her blouse) You just did it.

MacGyver:
[voice-over narration] I don't care what anybody says, birthdays are important. So, when a good friend's turning sixty and I'm returning from another government mission, there isn't a much faster way to get home then to catch a ride on a T-38 ace flight. It's a good thing they didn't serve a meal on this flight... 'cause my heart was already in my mouth.

Pete:
Mac, help me pick up this money, will ya? I wanna get it back to the Foundation vault.

Kelly:
You mean all this money is real? But you said it was fake.

MacGyver:
I didn't want you to get nervous.

Pete:
Are you telling me you let this man carry around three hundred thousand dollars in cash and he thought it was fake money?

MacGyver:
I didn't want to affect his performance.

Joanna Remmings:
So, what do you think know, Kelly?

Kelly Sutton:
Hey, after helping you guys pull this off, I fell like I can do anything.

Pilot:
[entering a hostile country] We just crossed the border.

Pete:
Pilot says we just left Thailand. He's not a happy guy.

MacGyver:
I don't blame him.

MacGyver:
Now I'm going to need some empty cans, some fuel, noisemaker, and some form of grease. Animal fat will do. Open that, will you, Pete?

Sister Margaret:
What's he doing?

Pete:
I haven't got a clue. But I'm used to it.

Pete:
Well, Maggie, I guess I'll see you the next time you're in trouble.

Sister Margaret:
I'll be looking forward to it.

Pete:
Yeah, me, too.

Debra:
I've never been able to figure out how your mind works. How do you think of these things?

MacGyver:
Well, when it comes down to me against the situation, I don't like the situation to win.

Pete:
Mac, I have just one question about rappelling: what do you do if the line breaks?

MacGyver:
You fall.

Pete:
Oh.

MacGyver:
[voice-over narration] The Golden Eagle's not just a bird. It's a natural wonder. But now it's on the Endangered Species list. So, the Phoenix Foundation came up with a project to ensure its survival. I was going to follow a pair of eagles that had mated and, hopefully, find their nest. It was called the Dead Horse Point Project. The idea was to make sure the eagle eggs, if there were any, were protected from their natural enemies, like hawks, mountain lions and, of course, man. It was a job Pete Thornton didn't have to twist my arm to accept. And to track an eagle, you've got to sort of become one. Get up there with them. Now, if you don't like heights, climbing a mountain while carrying a container with a hang-glider inside it might seem like a strange thing to do. Especially, when the weather starts to get very cold, very fast. Golden eagles mate for life. And, if Pete Thornton's information was correct, there was only one pair in the area. I was hoping the bird I'd seen was one of them. The climb up to look for those eagles took me from summer to winter in the same day. And there they were. Sitting on the most inaccessible roost I'd ever seen. Of course, it didn't seem inaccessible to them. It may seem cruel, but one animal's death means another will live. All a part of nature's balancing act. Civilization had thrown that balance out of whack, and when it came to those two eagles, it was my job to see if they could stick around long enough to put the scales back in order. When you're hang-gliding, you feel like you're part of the sky. Maybe that's why I can fly hundreds of feet off the ground without the sweaty palms I get when I look down from a stepladder. I guess the way you look at the world depends on where you are. From up here, it looked like a pretty nice place. They say imitation's the sincerest form of flattery. That's why I was copying the eagles' flight path. So they'd feel comfortable with me around and let me follow them long enough to find their nest, wherever it was.

Fred:
That's the bomb? It looks like a little suitcase.

Victoria:
Yes, well I find it more convenient then a brown paper bag. What's your name, anyway?

Fred:
Fred—but you said you didn't want to know our names.

Victoria:
Yours I want to remember.

Harry Jackson:
There was a time when I could run all day without breaking a sweat. I tell ya: it's hell getting old.

[while running up a stairwell with his son]

MacGyver:
Age is only in the mind, Harry.

Harry Jackson:
Well, my mind tells me I'm gettin' old.

Harry:
(Referring to the lab at the Phoenix Foundation.) Some of these gizmos look like they're straight out of Flash Gordon.

MacGyver:
Oh, we passed Flash Gordon years ago.

MacGyver:
When I was about ten I got my first chemistry set. I've been a beaker and test-tube nut ever since. My mom said I was gonna come up with a formula that would either improve the world... or blow up the house.

Phillips:
What's the idea?

Victoria:
My agreement with the Liberation Front is that you're all expendable. Besides that, you annoy me. (shoots him)

MacGyver:
[voice-over narration] The usual problem in Los Angeles on a lazy Saturday is... what to do. Surfing in the Pacific. Skiing in the mountains. Maybe, head to the beach and watch the girls roll in. Not exactly. I was celebrating, if that's the word, the anniversary of a friendship. I'd met Pete Thornton seven years ago today. So, I'd been running around all morning long following the anniversary instructions Pete had sent me. He asked me to locate a bar magnifying glass and bring it to him at Adler's Wrecking Yard at eight o'clock, sharp. Pete always could come up with something a little off-center. Now, where to find him.

Pete:
I operate on a need-to-know basis. [Sighs] I guess you need to know.

Murdoc:
I hope it's not too uncomfortable for you back there, gentlemen.

Pete:
Don't worry. We'll live.

Murdoc:
I seriously doubt that, Thornton.

MacGyver:
Why didn't you tell me?

Pete:
I operate on a need-to-know basis. I guess you need to know.

Jack Dalton:
MacGyver, this is me, this is Jack, this is your buddy. Give it to me straight. You know how important my cab is to me; it's my future. You scratched it, didn't you?

MacGyver:
Well, no - not exactly.

Jack Dalton:
Okay, a dent; you put a dent in it.

MacGyver:
Listen, Jack -

[interrupted]

Jack Dalton:
I can live with a dent. Tell me it's a dent.

MacGyver:
It's a little more than a dent. Mr. Thornton and I were riding in your cab chasing this woman, who was actually a man who had a guy with a bazooka waiting and he blew up your cab.

Jack Dalton:
Hold it. Run that back. Run that by me again.

MacGyver:
Um, Mr. Thorton and I were riding in your cab and we're chasing this woman...

Jack Dalton:
No, no, no - just the last part.

MacGyver:
Two guys with bazookas blew up your cab.

Jack Dalton:
They blew up my cab with a bazooka?

MacGyver:
Two bazookas. But I can explain.

Jack Dalton:
Bazookas... you can explain bazookas? YOU CANNOT EXPLAIN BAZOOKAS!

[yelling, lunging out of his hospital bed for MacGyver]

Pete:
Listen, MacGyver. Anybody who can use a paper clip, a pair of shoelaces, and a rusty monkey wrench to take out two bazookas could be very useful in taking Murdoc. Help me.

Pete:
You are a do-gooder, MacGyver. Ninety percent of the people in the world are smart: they see trouble coming, and they duck and run. Ten percent are like you. Can't resist cleaning up the mess.

Pete:
Probably a low-power charge, specially designed. It's only going to destroy the bed.

MacGyver:
(sitting on the bed) What about the guy on it?

Pete:
Yeah, that, too.

Murdoc:
Do you remember what Mark Twain once said? "The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated."

Kelly:
My mom died right after I was born.

MacGyver:
Any brothers or sisters?

Kelly:
No. I guess I'm his daughter and his son.

MacGyver:
Which one of you is here to rescue him?

Pete Thornton:
[Handing over a gun to MacGyver] Here. Just for insurance.

MacGyver:
Pete, you know how I feel about those things.

Pete Thornton:
Yeah, I do, but you're defenseless out here.

MacGyver:
No, just weaponless.

MacGyver:
Egg whites are good for a lot of things. Lemon meringue pie, angel food cake, and... plugging up radiators.

MacGyver:
[voice-over narration] Most people come to Southern California for the sunshine. But, there are others who burn easily so they stay in the shadows. Anthony Braddock was one of them. Tony Braddock was a professional chemist. He'd worked himself out of a career with British Intelligence and into building bombs for anyone who'd pay him. Maybe he wasn't the kind of guy you'd want your kids to grow up to be, but one of his bombs got me out of prison in Morocco. So when he called early on a quiet Sunday afternoon and said he was in trouble, I had to make good on my IOU.

MacGyver:
(to Carol) Your phone is dead.

(Jules suddenly appears)

Jules:
And so are you.

Carol Varnay:
Memories are okay to have, as long as they don't get in the way of dreams.

Lancer:
I need you to stop the killer.

MacGyver:
Any idea who it is?

Lancer:
We've got a suspect. He's a professional terrorist. His name is Peter Thornton.

MacGyver:
Pete Thornton wanted to come. It wasn't easy keeping him away.

Braddock:
Peter, yes, he always disapproved of me—a keen judge of character.

Pete:
Right now, I know you better than you know yourself. You don't use guns. That gun doesn't feel right in your hand. It can't. You don't use guns, MacGyver. You hate them.

Carol Varnay:
Marine Science. Going back to school, nights and weekends. It's going to take a little longer but, I'll do it. And you'll be invited to graduation.

MacGyver:
Well, that's something I won't forget.

Jason Varnay:
[doing a bicycle trick] MacGyver! Look! Watch this!

MacGyver:
It's kinda interesting how you can put one thing with another and cook up the right formula for stayin' out of trouble. My old high school physics and chemistry classes come in real handy sometimes. Not to mention the fact that when you're in a squeeze, necessity always seems to come through as the true mother of invention.

Anton Dubcek:
Viera, you are my wife.

Viera:
It was an assignment.

Diana:
Please, just take it, before I realize what I'm doing. (After Diana gives $20,000 to Anton Dubcek's new foundation.)

Anton:
Thank you. You're very generous.

Diana:
That's something no one's ever said to me before.

MacGyver:
Feels pretty good, doesn't it?

MacGyver:
[after Diana speaks to the police officer] Where did you learn to speak Czech?

Diana:
Correspondence school.

MacGyver:
You mean like, "the Czech is in the mail?"

MacGyver:
(seeing the partially-wrecked car they're using) That's what you ordered?

Diana:
I wanted something that wouldn't attract attention.

MacGyver:
Even when they see us pushing it down a highway?