Malcolm in the Middle, Season 7

People:
[chanting] Burning man! Burning man! Burning man!

Reese:
No! I won't light it! I won't light it!

[Reese throws the torch. It lands in a bucket of cleaning supplies in the RV and explodes.]

People:
[chanting] Burning van! Burning van! Burning van!

[Malcolm and Reese are seen entering the house after Hal and Lois picked them up]

Lois:
Hitchiking?! Hitchiking on the highway like HOBOS!

[After Malcolm inadvertantly convinces Hal and Lois to go to Burning Man]

Lois:
What a great idea, Malcolm! [Reese glares at Malcolm]

Reese:
[sarcastically] Yeah, maybe next year, we can take Grandma to Mardi Gras!

Malcolm:
You think I enjoy having powers I can't control?! Believe me, I'd much rather be as stupid as you are!

Reese:
Don't try sucking up to me now!

Hal:
Dewey, we are civilized people. We make arbitrary boundaries that we defend to the death.

Hal:
What's the matter with you boys? Don't you realize you could get killed?

Reese:
Dad, I can't die.

Hal:
What?

Reese:
I'm seventeen.

Hal:
And so you can't die?

Reese:
I just don't see it happening.

Hal:
I got news for you, Reese - seventeen-year-olds die all the time.

Reese:
Come on, Dad, that's just something they tell you so you'll stay off drugs.

[After the porch roof collapses on Hal]

Malcolm:
Dad, are you okay?

Hal:
I can't feel anything below my left knee! Is my foot okay?

Reese:
Your foot looks fine... but I think the rest of you is facing the wrong way.

[Reese has paralyzed his lower body in ice water to make a fight even. Stevie shows up with robotic legs.]

Stevie:
You're... mine!

Reese:
Aah!

[Lois has just come home with groceries and is listening to an audiobook of a novel. Later on as it got to the conclusion, Lois is eating some food in the car.]

Narrator:
Hello McKendrick I heard from behind. I spun around, but standing there was ....

Reese:
[voice recording] a stupid housewife who wouldn't let her son buy nunchucks even though they're totally safe.

Lois:
[Enraged] REEESE!

Malcolm:
[last lines] The Norvet Institute kicked Stevie out for unauthorized use of their equipment and Reese will be ok, but he's not allowed out of bed until he stops seeing four of everything.

[Hal comes into the kitchen, carrying a trash bin to one of the air conditioner vents where he hides his cigarettes. Opening the vent, the cigarettes all cascade down into the bin. Hal then closes it and leaves.]

Malcolm:
Mom's making dad find the last of his old cigarettes and she's gonna make eat any she finds in the morning so he's pretty motiviated. The amazing thing is I got off scott free.

Lois:
Malcolm go change Reese's bedpan.

Malcolm:
Hey, he's my brother.

[Lois walks in to see Hal and Dewey antagonizing each other.]

Dewey:
[Drinking Coffee] Mmmm. Rich roasted goodness. Suddenly I'm in a French cafe.

Hal:
[smoking a cigarrette] Well I'm with two girls in a speedboat sucking down a smooth blend of fine tobaccos. Mmm.

Lois:
[Catches Hal smoking] HAL!

Hal:
[takes out his cigarette] Dewey's drinking coffee.

Dewey:
Hey, you're right. The candy you steal off other kids really does taste better.

Reese:
I'm telling you, it's the fear.

Lois:
I cannot believe they called me into work. I requested Halloween off eight months ago, and suddenly, Mary Beth becomes a Wiccan so she can take it as a religious holiday.

Hal:
There will be more Halloweens... barring some tragic event.

Lois:
But this is the good one, you know? There's such a tiny window where the kids are so sweet and adorable and you can dress them up however you want. Every year after that, Halloween's just another trip to the police station.

Lois:
(to Reese and Dewey): Alright, you know the plan. You two are taking Jamie. No eggs, no stink bombs, no matches, no catapults, no mace.

Reese:
Fine.

Lois:
No explosives.

Reese:
Of course not.

Lois:
No water balloons, no spray paint, no gasoline, no shaving cream, no toilet paper.

Reese:
Wouldn't even think of it.

Lois:
No ladder, no compressor, no soup.

Reese:
(to Dewey) You told her!

Dewey (to Malcolm):
It just doesn't make sense. Why would you fake being sick on Halloween?

Malcolm:
I'm not faking it. I feel like crap. I must have gotten it from that death tour guy. I thought his clammy handshake was just part of the act.

Reese:
You've got to keep your immune system in shape, Malcolm. Every once in a while, pick some gum off the seat and chew it. Ounce of prevention, dude.

Reese:
I hate when they talk about your costumes. They know what we're here for. Just pay up, so we can go.

Dewey:
Hey, look at that! The old guy's still after us.

Reese:
You gotta admire it. I hope when I'm his age, I still have enough hate to do what he's doing.

Hal:
Oh, another knife in the head! (kids look at him weird) Do think it would be funny if you had a real knife in your head?

Hal:
(whispering) You knew we were buying a death house and you didn't tell me?!

Lois:
I didn't tell you because I knew you'd have this reaction.

Hal:
Well, of course I'd have this reaction. I don't like murder. Maybe that's something you should know about me.

Lois:
Hal, it's always something with you. You passed on that one house because you thought the doorbell sounded gay. You can't have a perfect house.

Hal:
It would be nice to have a murderless one.

Lois:
Well, you should just drop it because there's nothing we can do about it. Death and mold are two things you can expect to find in any house and we are not moving!

Hal:
There's mold?!

Craig:
(slurring) Lois, I've been thinking about it and I just want you to know I'm sorry. I believe in you and what you're doing here. You're doing the right thing.

Lois:
(shocked) Are you drunk?

Craig:
Chuilty's garged!

Lois:
Aren't you on the clock?

Craig:
But it's a party and they invited me, knowing full well that being wanted is my Kryptonite.

Lois:
A party? So they're all drinking out there?

(The speaker goes on)

Woman:
(through the speaker) Attention, Lucky Aide shoppers! Who's gonna come up here and kiss me, right now, dammit?

Reese:
Dewey, you know nothing about Asian culture. After I humiliate him, I earn respect plus half his land and his sister, if she's hot.

Jessica (to Malcolm):
Listen, Monday, I need you to get your mom out of the house for a couple of hours after school. Take her to a chick flick or something. You should enjoy that.

Malcolm:
What for?

Jessica:
My boyfriend's coming over and I'd like to have the house to ourselves, if you know what I mean.

Malcolm:
What?!

Jessica:
Oh, good, you do know what I mean. I wasn't sure with that whole "chasm of loneliness" crap.

Malcolm:
You can't hook up in my house! I've never hooked up in my house!

Lois:
He thinks he is on his way to China, and you've just been torturing him in that box!?

Dewey:
Yeah.

Lois:
Can he breathe in there?

Dewey:
He's still making noises.

Lois:
And he's got food and water?

Dewey:
Yeah.

(Long silence)

Lois:
Alright..

Dewey:
Ahhhh! Help, I'm being eaten!

(Dewey holds up a jar of honey)

Dewey:
Is that a bee?

Hal:
That is how you know it's fresh. You won't find any bees in your store-bought honey, I'll tell you that much.

Dewey:
Where did this come from?

Hal:
Spoils of war, Dewey. You know that beehive in the tool shed I've been battling for months? Victory is mine.

Dewey:
You did it yourself? (Hal nods)

Dewey:
How'd you know how to do that?

Hal:
It's instinctual. You see, human beings were born with everything they need to destroy bees. Except the poison. You have to buy that.

Dewey:
I feel kind of sorry for the bees, though.

Hal:
It's survival of the fittest, Dewey. If they had won, they'd be spreading us on toast right now.

Reese:
You can bite my American ass, Zhao Lee.

Dewey:
What's up?

Reese:
The school made us adopt pen pals from different countries. I get stuck with this loser from China.

Dewey:
What's wrong with China?

Reese:
It's not what you think, Dewey. He won't send you illegal fireworks or get your nunchucks signed by the Emperor. The guy's a total jerk. It started off with a simple request to apologize for Pearl Harbor. The guy wouldn't do it. I was so pissed.

(Mike opens the box that Reese is in and Reese crawls out of the box)

Reese:
(looking up) Aha! I bet you weren't expecting this, Jao! Now you're gonna experience a good old American ass-whooping! (punches Mike in the leg)

Mike:
Hey, quit it!

Reese:
I don't speak Chinese, jackass! (punches him again)

Mike:
Alright. (repeatedly punches Reese)

Reese:
Do you call this clean? I gotta say mom, if you're gonna phone it in, why even bother?

Lois:
You just bought yourself two days grounded in your room.

Reese:
Fine. Maybe you could use that time to learn how to roll socks.

Lois:
Make it three days. You want to go for more?

Reese:
No, three's prefect.

(Opening scene in which Malcolm brings Reese a soda as they sit down to watch TV)

Malcolm:
Here, I brought one for you.

Reese:
Thanks. And now I'll take yours because you obviously shook mine up. (Switches cans) Wait a minute! You wanted me to do that! (Switches cans again) Of course you had to have known I was going to know that! (Switches again) Unless you didn't think I was smart enough. But I'm smarter than... You know what? I'm not smart enough to figure it out! So what? Big deal! (Goes to fridge and opens a different can which is shaken and sprays him with soda as he screams)

Malcolm:
I'm not sure if I have the gift or he does.

Vicki (to Malcolm):
I think it's really romantic. It's like Romeo & Juliet. Our love has to be hidden.

Malcolm:
I'm not hiding it.

Vicki:
I wish you would.

Lois:
(about Reese) What are we going to do about him, Hal? He shows absolutely no interest in his future.

Hal:
I'm sorry, honey. I thought you had given up on him too.

Lois:
[awakens form her nightmare and marches into the boys' room to confront Reese] Reese, you may think you're pulling some scam, but I'm on to you! You are getting a job starting tomorrow! And keep your dirty mitts off your father's toupee!

[The next morning]

Reese:
I had the weirdest dream last night; this crazy witch with snakes for hair was screaming at me. It was like she was gonna kill me but for some reason, it was really important to her that I get a job.

Malcolm:
Did she have bugged-out crazy eyes?

Reese:
Yeah!

Malcolm:
She shows up in a lot of my dreams.

[Reese has a nightmare of having to take care of Lois for the rest of his life]

Reese:
[marches into Lois and Hal's room] I'm gonna get a job, I'm gonna have a life of my own away from here and just in case I don't, you can clean your own damn stomach folds!

[The house lights go out.]

Lois:
[in the shower] Hal!

Hal:
I paid the bill! It's the whole neighborhood!

Hal:
You're here!

Malcolm:
Kind of.

Hal:
You lied to me! You're not drunk at all!

Malcolm:
You said that if I called and said I was drunk, I would not get in trouble!

Hal:
That only applies if you're actually drunk!

Reese:
You were right, Malcolm. She wants me bad. This is a disaster.

Malcolm:
Why? You've got a girl that's crazy about you.

Reese:
She's my buddy. The best friend I've ever had, but in a roll-around-on-the-floor-and-make-her-smell-my-armpit kind of way.

Malcolm:
Everyone has their own kind of foreplay. The important thing now is how you feel about her.

Reese:
It's hard to say. Now, when I think about her, I get all nervous in my stomach. Like my bowels could cut loose at any moment.

Malcolm:
That's love, dude.

Reese:
Wow. You'd think somebody would put that in a song.

Lois:
The thing is absolutely nothing is on sale. They take all the stuff off the shelves, dump it in the bins and the people go nuts. I dropped my car keys in one of 'em. I had to wrestle a woman for 20 minutes to get 'em back. Then this 90-year-old man with glaucoma comes in. He wants to pay for his toiletries with a bag full of pennies. We finally settled on five dollars, six buttons, and a run-over bottle cap.

Abby (to Lois):
I'm Abby Tucker, it's nice to meet you.

Lois:
I'm Lois. This is Malcolm.

Abby:
Oh, right, Pea Pod. (to Reese) I see what you mean.

Abby (to Reese):
I've been waiting to get you alone, you miserable, scum-sucking piece of garbage.

Reese:
Short stack, is that you? I don't believe it! What the hell are you doing here, you ugly grub eater?

Abby:
I had a few days' leave. Thought I'd spend it with my favorite idiot.

Lois (to Abby):
I'm sorry. Did you just make a pass at me?

Abby:
Ma'am, forgive me.

Lois:
Oh, no, no, no, it's not that I'm not flattered, but I'm the mother of, like, five children. I've been married for 100 years. Why would you think.. ?

Abby:
I was wrong, ma'am. I was way out of line.

Lois:
Do I give off that kind of vibe? Because I would hate to think people are walking around with me giving them false hopes. Would it help if I changed my hair?

Abby (to Lois):
I have to confess, I'm a great admirer of yours, ma'am.

Lois:
Me?

Abby:
Yes, ma'am. Reese told me so many amazing stories about you. Is it true you once made him cut the front lawn with a pair of manicure scissors?

Lois:
I can't take all the credit for that. After all, he was the one who didn't refill the ice cube tray.

Malcolm:
It's bad enough Reese is in the same class as me. What's worse is that Herkabe's turned him into his personal whipping-boy!

[Mr. Herkabe is horrified as Mr. Hodges, North High's principal immediately takes action and revokes his GPA standing with the janitor's help for failing gym. Malcolm is seen pleased at his downfall for humiliating Reese and intentionally trying to make him fail.]

Mr. Hodges:
It is a dark day for North High, but given recent information that came to our attention regarding the previous GPA record holder and his failure to meet the Physical Education requirement I have no choice. I take no pleasure in the pain this unfortunate incident has caused, but rules are rules.

[Perks up as he returns the award to a blind, clubfooted woman named Edna Thornby.]

Mr. Hodges:
So, I am directing that this plaque be returned to Edna Thornby, who though blind and crippled managed to pass gym.

Malcolm:
Tough break, Mr Herkabe.

Mr. Herkabe:
[After realizing it was Malcolm who told Mr. Hodges] I know it was you, Malcolm and I wouldn't be so quick to gloat. I'm not defeated yet! I'm like Napoleon at St. Helena, plotting my return!

Malcolm:
You mean Elba. He died on St Helena.

Mr. Herkabe:
Oh, shut up! I have to call mother before she hears it from someone else.

Reese:
[In gym class, enjoying his payback on Herkabe] You call that a monkey dance.

[Tosses more dodgeballs at him.]

Malcolm (to Herkabe):
I'll take your sick little deal so you can keep your pathetic, meaningless plaque.

Herkabe:
Thank you, Malcolm. I know that you think this compromise will taste like ashes in my mouth. But something I learned a long time ago... ashes don't taste that bad.

Herkabe:
Reese, I'm just looking through my notes here and it appears that was your 20th wrong answer in a row. And you know what that means, don't you?

Class:
(all but Malcolm chanting) Monkey dance! Monkey dance! Monkey dance! Monkey dance...

Reese:
Monkey dance?

Herkabe:
Your first right answer. Well, let's not leave your audience waiting. (Reese starts dancing like a monkey as chanting and laughing continues) Wait, Reese, stop. (turns on a radio that plays "Love Machine" by the Miracles and smiles) OK, continue. (Reese continues to Malcolm's astonishment)

Hal:
Some wavy-haired blond boy was chatting up Gina at the bike racks after school.

Dewey:
Don't you work?

Hal:
Never mind that. The point is, you should have been there!

Dewey:
It's probably Stefan. He's no threat. Hal: I saw him, Dewey. He's an Adonis!

Hal:
Okay, what you need here is some sort of romantic gesture.

Dewey:
What do you mean?

Hal:
Just off the top of my head, you could send her a nice box of expensive chocolates.

Dewey:
I'm not sure.

Hal:
Too late. You already did. You just dropped off a big box on her front doorstep, rang the bell, and ran like hell. You also trampled some of her rose bushes. Congratulations, son.

Hal:
(driving alongside Gina) You'll like this candy. It's really good. Come on, just hop in the car! (several minutes later, a cop arrests him under suspicion of attempted child abduction after a neighbor calls 911) Oh, come on, give me a break! Don't you remember your first love?

Earl:
Sorry, pal, you had your chance.

Malcolm:
No! You have to take my picture again! Please! I thought I didn't care what people think of me, but I do. I really do!

Earl:
Look, kid, I'm making 20 cents a head, and re-shoots come out of my pocket. That adds up to "I don't give a crap."

Malcolm:
Don't blame me that you're a no-talent clown who couldn't even cut it at Sears!

Malcolm:
(seeing his photo on the screen) What did you do to me?! I look like a freak!

Earl:
Kid, that's you. That's what you look like.

Malcolm:
I can't let my grandchildren see me like that! You have to fix it! Put on a special filter, or-or brighter lights... Please, you have to fix it.

Earl:
Sorry, kid. That's the best I can do. I'm a yearbook photographer, not a magician.

Reese:
This is great. I never knew old people could be nice. I thought you were all wrinkled bags of skin babbling about how stuff used to cost less.

Judith:
No, some are like that, but there's a few of us who still have some life left.

Reese:
Geez, my feet are killing me.

Nick:
I told you, you gotta let the blood drip into your shoes. Once it coagulates, then it's like walking on puffy clouds.

Reese:
Look at all these people, sitting here, just waiting for death.

Nick:
Yeah, I'd like to show those animal rights whackos this place. This is exactly what would happen to cows if it wasn't for us.

Dewey:
What about this watch, Dad? It's only $12.99.

Hal:
That's where they get you, son. See, it says $12.99, but that doesn't include the hidden costs. Shipping, handling, box tops... by the time you're through, you're paying on the high side of $15. I've never owned a $15 watch.

Dewey:
But I need one, Dad!

Hal:
Son, a cork and a piece of string make a perfectly fine sundial and a great conversation piece with the ladies.

[Reese and Malcolm are horrified to discover they're being left with Ida]

Reese:
What's Grandma doing here?!

Malcolm:
You never said Grandma was coming!

Lois:
I didn't? Then it's just a nice surprise for you boys. Remember last month when you came in after curfew and said, "What are you going to do about it"? Sorry it took me so long to get back to you!

Raduca:
I will marry you.

Ida:
I forbid you to do this!

Raduca:
You cannot forbid me! I am American girl now. I have iPod! I wear thong! I shave! [shows a clean-shaven armpit]

Ida:
Hide your shame, whore!

[After Dewey misses his flight, gets his hand shut in a door, and gets sprayed in the eye with hot sauce]

Lois:
Well, the redness is going down. I think you can compete just fine.

Dewey:
Why don't you just cut the act, mom? You got what you wanted.

Lois:
What are you talking about?

Dewey:
You don't like watching me be successful because it reminds you you never did anything with your life. And now, instead of taking joy in your kids' accomplishments, you undermine us so we won't show you up! Maybe it's unconscious, maybe you know you're doing it. But that's what's been going on this whole trip!

Lois:
So what?

Ida:
In our country, after a boy turns 16, he becomes a "barochi." We watch this boy for one year. Then, when he is ready, he is plucked from his mother's teat and thrown into the town square, where he must battle with the other boys for dominance.

Malcolm:
Wait, up until this point, they're still breastfeeding?

Ida:
It keeps families close.

Ida:
Reese, I've watched you grow all these years. You are the one hope for this family. I just pray you are ready to become a man. (slaps him)

Reese:
Ow! Hey, what was that for?

Ida:
You are ready.

Malcolm:
Grandma, this is not only moronic, it's impossible. For one thing, there is no village full of boys for Reese to fight.

Ida:
No, we will have to make do. The closest thing we have to a boy is you.

Ida:
Two boys enter, one man emerges. (Points to Reese) You must beat him at every contest, or there will be no bride for you.

Reese:
I really appreciate you doing this for me.

Malcolm:
Listen, moron, I'm not doing this to help you get married. I'm gonna try to win to keep you from flushing your life down the toilet.

Female Security Agent (to Lois):
Ma'am, I need to touch your breasts.

Lois:
You need to touch my what?!

Female Security Agent:
I'm required to probe with the back of my hand. If you like, you can request up to 2 female witnesses. (putting on rubber gloves)

Lois:
Let me understand this. Because I made a comment about first class, I am being singled out for a public feel-up?

Dewey:
(yelling) Oh, for God's sake, Mom, just let her touch your boobs!!!

Male Agent:
The kid makes a lot of sense, ma'am. Now do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way? (More security agents surround her as she becomes enraged)

(Several minutes later, they wait for another flight)

Hal:
OK, the tickets are changed. The next flight leaves in 15 hours.

Dewey:
So I get no time to practice and no sleep tonight!

(Lois makes an embarrassing smile)

Ida:
You will take Raduca for your bride.

Reese:
You mean, like, I marry her? Now?

Ida:
That is why I brought Raduca to this country.

Malcolm:
You brought her here six months ago. She's been working as your slave.

Ida:
I should get something for my troubles.

Ida:
(to Raduca) Be careful with those bags, you cow.

Lois:
Hi, Raduca.

Raduca:
Family, howdy.

Ida:
You're here to work, not gossip like a fishwife!

Hal:
Another college recruiter? When I was applying, believe me, there were no recruiters. If I hadn't found that ad inside that matchbook, I may never have pursued higher education!

Reese:
For your information, marriage isn't just about sex. It's about commitment. You know, we can't have sex until after the waiting period.

Malcolm:
The waiting period?

Reese:
Poor, naive Malcolm! All women, when they get married, require a waiting period from six months to a year.

Lois:
(about Raduca) Did you see the way she talks to him? She's broken his spirit.

Hal:
He's not our Reese any more.

Lois:
I know. It's fantastic!

Malcolm:
This is so awesome. Mom and Dad just got back from the doctor's, and it turns out she has mono. She's been ordered to stay in bed for two weeks. After all those years of stepping on cracks, it finally paid off. I mean, it's no broken back, but I'll take it.

Reese:
(to Dewey) Your attitude's been pretty lousy lately. I know you've been spitting in my sandwiches. I mean, I still eat them, but now the trust is gone.

Reese (at the computer):
I can't wait until everyone at school finds out you got the kissing disease from mom, which will happen right about (Reese clicks a button on the computer's mouse) now.

Malcolm:
I didn't kiss her; you saw it.

Reese:
What I saw was you and Mom making out on the couch. Dewey?

Dewey:
It was disgusting.

Malcolm (frustrated):
She licked her finger and touched my face!

Reese:
Spare us the perv details.

Hal:
Okay, I'm going over to Dave and Tina's. Everything okay in here?

Lois:
We're fine.

Malcolm:
Fizzazzine.

Lois:
Fizzazzine. Feeling mizzazzuch bizzetter.

Hal:
Are you taking your pills?

Lois:
Gizzo awazzay.

Malcolm:
Yeah, lizzeave us alazzone.

Hal:
Okay, well... gizzazzood bizzazzye.

Lois:
What? Hal, you're not making any sense.

Malcolm:
That's really weird, Dad. (when Hal leaves, Lois and Malcolm start laughing).

Hal:
Okay, Jamie. Here we go. None of mommy's monster germs are in here. But don't get too comfortable in the big boys' room. It's only temporary.

Dewey:
He's never leaving, is he?

Hal:
What? No. This is just until it's safe to go back into our room.

Reese:
You said the same thing when Dewey moved in. Are you gonna take him back now that your ringworm's better?

Hal:
I told you we are still on yellow alert with that!

Lois:
Malcolm, quit hogging the covers. You're just like your father in bed.

Hal:
Honey... I lost my dad. [starts crying and hugs Lois]

Lois:
There, there. [looks over Hal's shoulder and mouths "You are dead" to Malcolm]

Malcolm:
It was weird going to Grandpa's funeral. We hardly even knew we had a grandpa, and now we don't. Reese is taking it really hard.

Reese:
(crying) Why?! Why?! Why couldn't he die before he lost all his money?!

Lois:
Abe, Hal's father died.

Abe:
And I will not let him die in vain. I will call Sulu. I will call Chekov. And if they say no, so help me, I will call the Gorn.

Lois:
Abe, stop, just stop. I appreciate you're trying to help, but I don't need any of this. I'm going to take Hal to a bed and breakfast for a nice weekend, and that's it. He just needs some emotional comfort.

Abe:
So, you think a weekend of nurturing and sex is going to get him through this? Do you even know this man?!

Reese:
They say money can't buy love, but they're wrong.

Reese:
Mom's the kind of crazy where she always yells at us. But Dad's the kind of crazy where he buys us an Xbox 360.

Dewey:
This is so awesome.

Reese:
Yeah, I don't know what alien worm burrowed into Dad's brain, but I'd like to shake its hand.

Reese:
You think Dad could really be doing this to buy our love?

Dewey:
I guess.

Reese:
I say we squeeze him for all he's got.

Dewey:
It's the least we could do for him.

Abe:
(about Hal) How's he doing?

Lois:
Well, he seems to be doing fine, but he can't be. His father just died. He got more upset when his transmission gave out.

Abe:
Well, he did just have it rebuilt.

Reese:
I get three meat toppings for the price of one!

Dewey:
No, no! Buy two pizzas, get one free!

Reese:
That's two free cheese pizzas! I'd rather eat vomit!

George Takei:
Would it be all right if I came inside for a glass of water?

Dewey:
No, I'm not allowed to let anyone in. But you can wait outside and drink from the garden hose.

George Takei:
With pleasure.

Leonard Nimoy:
(over the phone) I'd be very happy to help your friend. It's very sad when a man loses his father. I've been through loss myself.

Lois:
Oh, that's very kind of you, Mr. Nimoy. I'm his wife.

Leonard Nimoy:
So, will this be charged to your credit card?

[Lois and Hal are preparing to leave, and Lois stops to address the boys]

Lois:
Before I forget...

[Lois picks up a vase on a table]

Lois:
This is the one thing left in this house that I care about. I don't want to spend the next two days worrying about 'How will they break it,' 'Where will they hide the pieces,' 'How will they lie about it when I come home?' So...

[Lois drops and breaks the vase as the boys look on]

Lois:
There. Now I can relax.

Speaker (referring to Lois):
We all have an "L" in our lives. My "L" was the Vietnam War. Thankfully, though, I don't have to visit my "L" on Christmas and holidays.

Hal (about Francis):
We're useless. We're like his appendix. Now he's just going to open up his stomach, remove us, and put us in a jar up on a shelf, right there in the living room... or the den, or a mantlepiece, if he's got one.

Lois:
Come on, Hal! We're going to be late.

Hal:
Fine, but I don't see what the big deal is. So what if he stopped drinking for a year? I thought that's what you're supposed to do in A.A.

Lois:
Francis' one year anniversary of sobriety is very important to him.

Hal:
Sounds to me like it was just dreamed up by the greeting card companies.

Francis:
We're also celebrating my new job. (gives Hal a laser-etched crystal)

Lois:
Francis, that's wonderful! What is it?

Francis:
A laser-etched crystal. It's the perfect fusion of science and art.

Hal:
Wow, the detail is amazing. And you can see everything on this nude fairy.

Piama:
That's me.

Hal:
Oh! (nearly drops the crystal)

Francis:
And this is my mother.

Crash:
She's real?!

Lois:
Excuse me?

Crash:
It's... I thought... I don't know what I thought. I'm sorry. Excuse me. (runs off)

Hal:
Uh, Lois, let's not ruin Francis' special day.

Lois:
Why not? Apparently, I've ruined everything else!

Hal:
What's past is past.

Lois:
"What's past is past"?! So, you think this is all my fault, too?!

Hal:
Can we discuss this in the other room?

Lois:
There is no other room!

Francis (looking in a mirror):
You know, maybe Mom was right. I was blaming her and the alcohol for my problems when the real problem was always right in front of me... (looks at Piama's reflection)

Piama:
Me?!

Francis:
Yes, you. Who else could it be? Why didn't you tell me I wasn't an alcoholic?!

Piama:
How am I supposed to know?! You seemed messed up to me.

Francis:
You made me look like an idiot!

Piama:
Well, that wasn't hard to do!

Francis:
Was that an insult?!

Malcolm:
Reese, we have access to a car with no adult supervision. We can do whatever we want, and if we get caught? They'd blame Mom and Dad for being absentee parents. This is the perfect crime.

Dewey:
I was thinking we could drive to the arcade.

Reese:
Arcade? What are you, 12?

Dewey:
Yeah.

Reese:
(to Dewey) It's like you're killing my children!!!! (turns on blender mixing in junk for Dewey to drink)

Dewey:
Wait!

Reese:
Shut up, Dewey! That's not the end I want to be hearing from! (pours the junk in Dewey's mouth)

Dewey:
(chokes and gags from the junk Reese made)

Reese:
I don't know why we're doing this. I have a much faster way to do this.

Malcolm:
We're not cutting him open, Reese.

Malcolm:
Tell me, did it feel good to cut through Elmo's neck?

Lois:
Are you trying to calm me down?

Hal:
No. I just don't think it leads anywhere good when you get like this.

Lois (quietly):
Get like what?

Hal:
Well... you know.

Lois:
No, I don't know. How is it I get?

Hal:
Well...

Lois:
If I have a problem, I would love for you to explain it to me. (pause; Lois continues glaring at Hal)

Hal:
You know what, honey? This seems like a-a much longer conversation, and it just so happens that I am right in the middle of a project in the garage.

Lois:
I've been a terrible mother.

Reese:
It's okay, Mom. I've known that for a long time.:

Hal:
And I actually think that Reese is coming around a little bit. (Reese is heard crying in the distance) Well, I brought him soup yesterday, and he couldn't even make a sound.

Lois:
There's this stupid bike-a-thon at work. Some idiot made a big stink about how the store isn't doing enough for charity.

Reese:
Then don't do it.

Lois:
I have to. I'm the idiot.

Reese (to Lois):
No, lady! I don't want your drugs! (winks)

Reese (to Lois):
You're in the middle of an alley trying to get on a bike. You are ashamed of something. I can always smell shame. It's kind of like rotten coconut.

Malcolm:
Nothing exciting ever happens around here.

(A bed mattress falls from the sky, landing on the ground)

Dewey:
Wow, we even have boring miracles.

Reese:
Mom, you might not know this, but I used to be afraid of a lot of things. Thunder, frogs, mailboxes...

Lois:
You were afraid of mailboxes?

Reese:
I used to imagine that if I stuck my hand in a mailbox, it would slam shut and rip my hand off. But I had something conquer my fear by ripping the lid off every mailbox in the neighborhood! I turned that fear into hate!

Trey:
Enjoying Lord of the Rings in high-def?

Hal:
Oh, it's unbelievable! No lines, no commercials; I'm bringing Lois here for our anniversary. Oh, I still can't get over all this: (touches the sink) a real sink to spit in; I really don't have to swallow it.

Trey:
Hal, are you crying?

Hal:
They're good tears.

Dewey (about the mattress):
Whoa, this is brand new! At least, what I think a mattress would look like new. It's got no lumps.

Malcolm:
(getting excited) No weird stains...

Dewey:
(getting excited, too) No springs sticking out of it...

Malcolm & Dewey:
(in unison) It's got tags.

Reese:
Wait, you see that?

Malcolm:
What?

Reese:
It's a dead squirrel! Gentlemen, our week just built up!

Dewey:
Sorry, not interested.

Malcolm:
Sure, it looks good to you now. It's just gonna wind up in the closet like all the others. Pass.

Reese:
Your loss. See you, suckers.

Reese:
Oh, it's too hard? Well, why didn't you say so? When things get tough, you got to just give up and run away from your dreams. Lower your expectations. That's fine. I've had my fun. If you want to quit, go ahead and quit.

Lois:
All right, Reese, you made your point. Let's give it a try.

Reese:
No, I was really saying quit.

Lois:
Hal, you have an infection. You have to see a dentist.

Hal:
I made an appointment with Dr. Voorhees tomorrow.

Lois:
Isn't that the guy we took Dewey's hamster to?

Dewey:
Listen to yourself. That's insane. This bed is evil. It's draining your soul, Malcolm.

Malcolm:
What happened to the new mattress?

Dewey:
What are you talking about?

Malcolm:
The mattress! I know there was a mattress!

Dewey:
Maybe it was a dream?

Malcolm:
It wasn't a dream! The mattress was perfect and white and felt like a cloud! It feel out of the sky and it made me happy!

Dewey:
Was it just a bed or was there a beanstalk, too?

Malcolm:
Maybe it was a dream.

Dewey:
You were happy, Malcolm. Of course it was a dream.

Malcolm:
Wow, and I thought Reese was the one dragging us down.

Dewey:
Maybe we should see how he's doing with his squirrel.

Malcolm:
If I know Reese, all the good parts are gone by now.

Malcolm:
So, I'll see you tomorrow?

Danielle:
Right. Oh, there was one more thing. (kisses Malcolm) Nope, that wasn't it. See ya.

Dewey:
What if we do everything on his "To Do" board and then let him out?

Reese:
That's brilliant. He couldn't be mad at us if we did all this for him. He's got stuff on here that he's been meaning to do for years. (reads note) "Change Dewey's diaper."

Malcolm:
Turns out, I'm naturally talented at science and dancing. Two things that are guaranteed to get me beat up.

Malcolm:
Can we please just get my underwear and get out of here?

Lois:
Malcolm, you know it's hard to buy underwear for you. You have your father's irregular crotch.

Hal:
Nothing to be ashamed of, son. If a woman really loves you, it won't bother her a bit.

Malcolm:
Excuse me, what room is Stevie Kenarban in?

Receptionist:
Let me check. He's in room 220 right up the elevator.

Malcolm:
Thank you. (starts to walk away, but comes back) I was going to come visit yesterday morning, but I had this giant hole in my lunch bag and everything just spilled out. My tuna sandwich was fine, but my orange started rolling down the hill, and by the time I caught up with it, I was late for school.

Receptionist:
It's still room 220.

Malcolm (starts to walk away, but comes back):
Where would it be possible to find a gift?

Receptionist:
I would try the gift shop.

Malcolm:
Good idea. Thanks.

Clerk (to Malcolm):
Can I help you find something?

Malcolm:
Yeah, do you have any cards that don't say "Get well"?

Clerk:
This is a hospital. Usually, we're rooting for the patient.

Reese:
Did you know how hard it was to get this job? Everywhere else I applied called my references. Thank God telemarketing has no standards. Basically, I get to harass old people and shut-ins all day. I'm getting paid to do what I love.

Dewey:
Mom, did you remember to buy me the baking soda for my class project?

Lois:
I forgot.

Dewey:
What? I asked you, like, five times!

Lois:
That I remember.

Supervisor (to Reese):
How's everything going over here?

Reese:
People are so stupid they'll believe anything. I threw the fact sheet out the window and just started making stuff up.

Supervisor:
Ah, no problem. I made up the fact sheet.

Dewey:
And you people wonder why I wake up screaming all the time?

Malcolm:
Okay, so I lied and destroyed a man so I can go to a concert. I'll get him a t-shirt.

Lois:
Okay, this is the only universe this could possible exist in. I'm 90 years old. Hal is dead. I have dementia and I need someone to keep me from catching on fire. There's no money for a nurse, my sons won't do it, and I'm asleep for 22 hours a day. Then, and only then, maybe we could be together.

Craig:
It's like you're reading straight out of my diary.

Malcolm:
For once in your life, Craig, be a man!

Craig:
(about Lois) I hate her! (runs off crying)

Malcolm:
I am so happy. I'm sneaking out to a concert Friday night while Mom works the late shift. The band sucks, but I have backstage passes. And if that's even one billionth as insane as I've always imagined it, I could die happy.

Hal (reading a small piece of paper):
"This coupon entitles you to one free game night with Dad."

Dewey:
Let's go.

Hal:
Dewey, I wrote this in a blind panic in the hall closet while everyone was singing to you "Happy Birthday." You're not gonna hold me to this, are you? (pauses) Does it have an expiration date?

Dewey:
Nope.

Hal:
What kind of lesson is this stupid game teaching you? Where is the card that says hemorrhoids are not covered by your health plan?

Girl 1:
A.J., you moron, the canned food drive was not a fascist conspiracy and neither is this!

Girl:
My God, the back biting, the name calling...this is just like French Club!

Lois:
Well, here is poor, neglected Dewey having a great time at SeaWorld.

Dewey (looking at photo):
It's so blurry, I can't even tell that's me.

Hal:
Well, you can't prove it's not.

Malcolm:
AJ, you can't be serious.

AJ:
Hey, it took guts for those girls to come down here and apologize. And I'd like to think I'm big enough to be able to admit I'd like to have sex with one of them.

Hal:
Ah, my driver's license. We're getting closer.

Lois:
Look at that. He drew a mustache on you.

Hal:
No, I did that. I wanted to see how it looked.

Carla:
That's inspired. (reads poster) "A Night to Cherish"? It makes last year's "A Night to Remember" seem so shallow.

Kelly:
Yeah, I wouldn't expect you to show up, anyway, Carla. You'll probably be home alone in your room, listening to Morrissey and gouging out the eyes of models in Vogue magazine.

Carla:
Aw, does this mean we're not best friends anymore?

Lois:
That was a good thing you did, son.

Dewey:
Thanks.

Lois:
Enjoy the cake. That's the last thing you're going to eat in a long time that hasn't been dipped in sardine juice.(Dewey looks shocked while Lois takes a picture) Hey! Finally, a picture for your memory book. (puts a birthday hat on Dewey)

Hal:
That is a really nice camera. How could you afford... ? (remembering Dewey took his wallet and money) Right.

Malcolm (as everyone leaves to go to the prom while leaving the morp):
You can't just let them say "I'm sorry" after 12 years of treating us like crap! Wait a minute. they never even said, "sorry!" This is a trap! These are the same people who made fun of your clothes all through school, and laughed at your haircuts, and called you Malcolm-Balcolm! You'll be sorry!

Naked Guy (goes up to Malcolm):
Finally, now we've got some breathing room in here.

(Malcolm looks disgusted)

Craig:
Sorry we're late. You wouldn't believe the fight we got into over shower curtains.

Reese:
Those dolphins were gay.

Craig:
You think all dolphins are gay.

Reese:
Well, dolphins are gay.

Craig:
Dolphins could kill sharks!

Reese:
Gay guys could kill sharks, and they're still gay!

Piama:
Lois, I really think he's gonna do it this time! You gotta stop him! [Francis storms in and seizes a poker from the fireplace]

Francis:
There you are! I drove by eighty miles of blunt objects just to get to you! I HOPE YOU RUN!

Ida:
You better make that first swing count, princess!

[While Francis attempts to stab his grandma]

Lois:
Hal...

Hal:
Right. (Calming down Francis) Son. Don't feel bad. In some parallel universe you did it.

[Last lines in the series]

Reese:
And when they found the peepholes in the bathroom, they fired Al and brought me on full-time. Grandma's right: it's good to have a patsy. So, how's it going for you, Mr. Ivy League big shot?

Malcolm:
It's great. It's a whole new world. Hey, listen, I gotta get to my calc class. I'll talk to you later.

Reese:
What did I miss?

Malcolm:
There was this big explosion. Some fire shot out and now he's just come to.

Reese:
What?! I was just gone for a second!

Dewey:
Shhhhhhh! I wanna see this.

Lois:
[walks in and sees Hal attempting to fix the TV] Oh for God's sakes, Hal. Pay the money and get a repairman.

Hal:
I am not wasting good money when I am perfectly capable of...

[Hal screams as he gets shocked from his feeble attempt to fix the TV set and the boys laugh at him. Lois leaves embarrassed at Hal for being a idiot for refusing to call a TV repairman to do the job properly]

[Cleaning up after the explosion of Reese's giant stinkbomb]

Malcolm:
[furious] You know what? I'm glad. This is appropriate! Now my life looks exactly how I feel! How could you screw me over like that?!

Lois:
Because you were going to take that job, and we are not going to let you throw your life away!

Malcolm:
How is being rich throwing my life away?!

Lois:
Because it's not the life you're supposed to have! The life you're supposed to have is you go to Harvard, and you earn every fellowship and internship they have! You graduate first in your class and you start working in public service- either district attorney or running some foundation- and then you become Governor of a mid-size state and then you become President.

Malcolm:
What?!

Lois:
Of the United States.

Malcolm:
Dad...!

Hal:
I'm sorry, son. It's true. [Malcolm looks at his brothers, who all nod in agreement]

Francis:
Thought you knew.

Hal:
Our expectations started out much smaller, but you just kept upping the ante.

Malcolm:
What if I don't want to be President?!

Lois:
It's too late for that, you're gonna do it!

Malcolm:
[sarcastic] Really?! Have you decided my position of capital gains tax cuts?! What are my foreign policy objectives?!

Lois:
That doesn't matter. What does matters is that you will be the only person in that position who will ever give a crap about people like us! We've been getting the short end of the stick for thousands of years and I, for one, am sick of it! Now you are going to be President, mister, and that's the end of it!

Malcolm:
Did it ever occur to you that I could have taken this job, gotten really rich and bought my way into being President?!

Lois:
Of course it did. We decided against it.

Malcolm:
WHAT?!

Lois:
Because then you wouldn't be a good President. You wouldn't have suffered enough.

Malcolm:
I've been suffering all my life!

Lois:
I'm sorry, but it's not enough. You know what it's like to be poor and you know what it's like to work hard. Now you're going to learn what it's like to sweep floors and bust your ass and accomplish twice as much as all the kids around you. And it won't mean anything because they will still look down on you, and you will want so much for them to like you and they just won't. And that'll break your heart, and that'll make your heart bigger and open your eyes, and finally you will realize that there's more to life than proving you're the smartest person in the world! I'm sorry, Malcolm, but you don't get the easy path. You don't get to just have fun and be rich and live the life of luxury.

Hal:
That's Dewey.

Dewey:
[gleeful] Really?

Malcolm:
This is unbelievable! You actually expect me to become President?! No, no, I'm sorry- you expect me to be one of the greatest Presidents in the history of the United States!

Lois:
You look me in the eye and tell me you can't do it. [Malcolm can only stand in silence]

[Dewey walks in on Malcolm and Reese planning to sneak off to Burning Man]

Dewey:
Oh, God, Burning Man again? Every year it's the same thing. "This time we're totally going!" "Oh, yeah, totally!" And every year you chicken out with some pathetic excuse. My personal favourite was last year's "really bad Slurpee headache."

Reese:
See? That is exactly the kind of ignorant talk I'd expect from someone who doesn't have any appreciation for what Burning Man is. A week of freedom out in the desert, naked women, getting back to your primal nature, naked women, people doing art, naked women.

Dewey:
Are all the women naked? [Reese punches him]

Reese:
That is all you heard, isn't it?

Hal:
It's a very special moment when a father watches his boys lie to their mother for him. There's only one thing that could make me prouder: if one of you could saw off my leg.

Jamie:
[gasps and see Francis] Francis!

Lois:
That stupid fish!

Hal:
Now, where's the rest of the money?

Lois:
There isn't any.

Hal:
You just spent 10.000$ on a stupid dollhouse?!

Lois:
They wanted 12. But look,hal, it has a tiny little dumbwaiter and the lights really work.

Malcolm:
[sarcastically] I have to hand it to you, Mom, having Grandma look after us sure kept us out of trouble.

Lois:
Where's your brother?

Malcolm:
In Vegas.

[Reese and Dewey are watching T.V, and Reese is poking Dewey in the head]

Dewey:
Mom, Reese is poking me.

Lois:
(uncaring) That's it, you two. Either side of the couch. Now!

[Reese continues to poke Dewey with a plastic baseball bat]

Dewey:
He's still poking me.

Lois:
Resse, go to your room. I don't want you within 30 feet of him.