Married... with Children, Season 10

Al:
The best way to ruin a heartfelt goodbye party is to stay where you're not wanted.

Peg:
You know, I've always wanted a place where I could stretch out and do nothing.

Al:
Well, get in the car: I'll take you to the morgue.

Bud:
Mom, I had a horrible day, and I could really use some motherly advice right now.

Peg:
Shut up, Bud. Oprah is doing a show on mothers who don't pay attention to their sons.

Al:
It's a remote control override. Peg. They're on sale at the Real Man's Shop.

Peg:
Well, while you were there, why didn't you pick up a real man?

Al:
Don't push it, Peg. It also overrides all of your other handheld electronic devices.

[Al is trying on shoes for a fat woman named Matilda.]

Matilda:
I don't understand, I was a size six before Aerobic class. All that jumping must've expanded my foot.

Al:
And I see you must've fallen on your butt a time or two.

Matilda:
[Picks up her sneakers] How dare you say that to my face?

Al:
Well I'd say it behind your back, but my car's only got half a tank of gas.

Peg:
And to think I could've had any man on the football team.

Al:
Peg, you had them all.

Kelly:
Let's call him Lucky. Lucky Bundy.

Al:
I was saving that name for my tombstone.

Kelly:
You know what I'd do if my lover lost interest in me?

Bud:
Sleep with his parole officer?

Jefferson:
Like all other religions, we have a sacred obligation to make a lot of money and open our own theme park.

Bud:
I've put all the family finances right here on this computer.

Al:
You put something I don't have into something I don't understand.

Peg:
You know, that reminds me of our sex life.

Al:
That's putting something I have into something I don't like.

Kelly:
Mom, Dad, Bud: you will never guess what I got.

Bud:
A better game would be guess what you haven't got. I'll take Virginity for $100.

Kelly:
Well, that's funny. Nobody will take yours for less than $1000.

Al:
When I felt that hairy hand go in my pocket, I naturally assumed it was Peg.

Jefferson:
I think I got a way to put an end to all of this.

Al:
Well, if you got the tailpipe, I got the lips.

Al:
Wow, we must have gone back in time 'cause I'm experiencing déjà moo.

Peg:
Now, that is a real man, not some high school football hero who got married and turned to mush.

Al:
Well, I guess it's true what they say: you are what you marry.

Griff:
That'd make me a ho.

Marcy:
What's Mr. Potato Head doing here?

Al:
Well, I don't know: you married him.

Marcy:
Not that Mr. Potato Head, the one that's actually worth something.

Eric:
It's amazing how your looks can improve with nice clothes, contacts and $10,000,000.

Kelly:
Oh look, it's a bird, it's a plane, ... it's Mr Potato Head?

Al:
Nothing drowns your sorrows like a three-day binge at the Nudie Bar.

Al:
I would like to start with a genuine picture of the Loch Ness Monster.

Jefferson:
My God, Al, that's horrific. What the hell is it?

Al:
A picture of Peg's mom in the bathtub.

Al:
Why are you doing this to me, Marcy?

Marcy:
Because God's on vacation and He wants me to fill in.

Al:
When a Bundy doesn't get what's rightfully his, he makes sure that no one gets it either.

Al:
Hey, Peg, you know what I was dreaming about at work today?

Peg:
Me, Al?

Al:
Yes, Peg.

Peg:
Was I in bed?

Al:
Yes you were. In fact, I tied you up.

Peg:
Ooh, well, that sounds so kinky, Al. What were you doing?

Al:
Cindy Crawford.

Al:
Peg, I'm telling you, me and the floor boards can't take any more of her.

Al:
What could be bigger than your mother? In captivity, that is.

Carlos:
Where is your father, the village shoesmith?

Kelly:
He's with my mother, the village shopper, and my grandma, the village.

Al:
Hey, Griff, Where's your Christmas spirit?

Griff:
My ex-wife got it in the divorce settlement.

Al:
I want you to get back on that phone and do what you do best: shatter dreams.

[A fat woman named Matilda returns.]

Matilda:
Excuse me, do you have pumps in my size?

Al:
Yes I do, but the Society For the Prevention of Cruelty to Shoes would not allow me to sell them to you.

Matilda:
I hope you get coal in your stocking on Christmas morning.

Al:
And I hope you get Slim Fast in yours.

(Al and the NO MA'AM group are up on his roof assembling a satellite dish)

Jefferson:
(reading the assembly instructions) Let's see here. I've got Bracket S and Washer T. Hey, Dan. Hand me Screw U.

Officer Dan:
What?

Jefferson:
I said Screw U.

Officer Dan:
(angry) Well, up yours, you-! (draws his gun on Jefferson)

Al:
(stepping between them) Focus, gentlemen! Focus, focus!

Al:
When did you leave?

Peg:
Yesterday.

Al:
No wonder the sex was good then last night.

Babcock:
How dare you take my name, little Floyd? From this moment forth I shall refer to you only as Little.

Floyd:
That's funny; that's how Mom refers to you.

Doctor:
Bad news, Mr. Darcy. I'm afraid we're gonna have to operate. You do have insurance, don't you?

Jefferson:
Yes.

Doctor:
Well, then, we will be using anesthesia.

Al:
Come on, Jefferson, it's just us, some beer, and some Mexican strippers. What could happen?

[After listening to Kelly]

O'Malley:
Nurse, I need a Q-Tip and a hammer.

Jefferson:
So the Tattoo on my but said M-A-R-Y.

Kelly:
So What? M-A-R-Y. Marcy.

Bud:
There's a C in Marcy.

Kelly:
M-A-R-Y-C? Oh yeah, the C is silent.

Dan:
Call it in the air.

Kelly:
It's a coin.

Dan:
You win.

Kelly:
I'm an actress, I don't know if I can go parading around a bunch of strangers I haven't slept with yet.

Al:
Marcy, me and that Dodge have been together a long time.

Marcy:
So have you and your hair and you got rid of that.

Marcy:
Please Al, my job is on the line.

Al:
Oh, well that changes nothing.

Kelly:
What do you think?

Bud:
You no longer look like a North American slut, you look like a South American slut.

Kelly:
That's exactly the look I was going for.

Bud:
Can we please watch something else, this is a rerun.

Kelly:
No it's not, I've seen this one a million times.

Marcy:
Allow me to quote from your official student handbook "Abstinence Saves Lives." And what guarantees abstinence better than self-love? Constant, never-ending self-love? I ask you to look at this young man. Would you rather he do what he did or be out there breeding?

Al:
I think I may have been a little too harsh on my son. After all, the only thing he really did wrong was go in the library in the first place. The rest was totally understandable. I mean, we men have our needs. It's women who tell us these things are wrong. And why? Because they want to take away the only good sex we have.

Bud:
If I was a hot young chick, I couldn't keep my hands off myself.

Kelly:
Well, I guess that makes you a hot young chick.

Marcy:
Jefferson, can I have a word with you in our own kitchen by the recently sharpened knives?

Al:
Hey, what's the bed for?

Director:
Come on, Mr. Bundy! You're a married man.

Al:
What's the bed for?

Kelly:
Daddy, wanna know what I think?

Al:
Oh, this should be good.

Kelly:
Now, like a great eastern religion says, it's all about striking a balance between the ping and the pong.

Al:
Go get my noose, boy.

Kelly:
Oh, Daddy you're so good. I'm sure in your next life you're gonna be re-incarcerated.

Kelly:
[answering machine message] Hi, you've reached Kelly. Please leave a message at the tone. If you're a girl calling for Bud: Hi, Mom.

[Jefferson has just came into the Bundy house with sweats on, covering a toilet seat stuck to butt.]

Jefferson:
Mark my words, Al. As soon as I can sit down and think of something, you will pay.

[Al, Bud and Kelly laugh at Jefferson as he tries to exit the Bundy home.]

Al:
A fat woman creatured her way into the shoe store today.

Al:
Come on, Harris, for God's sake. Just make the "C". How tough can it be?

Harris (trembling from delirium tremens):
I need a shot.

Al (threatens to punch him):
I'll give you a shot!

Griff:
That doesn't look like a "C"!

Harris (drunkenly):
Lay off, will ya? (tries not to belch): "C"'s a tough letter.

Al:
When your blood has more alcohol than plasma, they're all tough letters.