Men Behaving Badly, Series 2

Dorothy:
That's what I love about going out with you, Gary, it's an endless orgy of glamour and entertainment.

Gary:
Dorothy's usual, please, Les.

Les:
Refresh my memory.

Dorothy:
Vodka in a chipped glass with a dribble of flat tonic and an aftertaste of cigarette ash.

Les:
Oh, yeah. I remember now.

Gary:
I've had some bad news. Had a postcard from Dermot. He's not coming back.

Dorothy:
Have fallen in love with a croupier called Letizia. We're going around the world on her Yamaha. Is that an organ?

Gary:
No, it's a motorbike.

Dorothy:
Send my Polynesian love ball and other important items to my mum. Sell everything else, my saucepans, et cetera, to cover what I owe you. Thanks. Generous of him.

Gary:
Well, it would be if his possessions weren't worth precisely £16.47.

Dorothy:
What does he owe you?

Gary:
Eight hundred and sixty two quid.

Dorothy:
Weather lovely. Rimini has a body shop. Oh. Oh, donkey, having sex with another donkey.

Gary:
Why doesn't anybody take me around the world?

Dorothy:
Cause they know they'd have a crap time.

Gary:
I've been writing an ad for the newspaper.

Dorothy:
Let's have a look.

Gary:
You'll use it as an excuse for a cheap laugh.

Dorothy:
I will not.

Gary:
You always do.

Dorothy:
(tuts). Ah, looks fine. You don't think Jacuzzi's pushing it a bit, do you?

Gary:
Why?

Dorothy:
You haven't got one.

Gary:
No, but if you whoosh to the shower attachment in the bath, it's just like it, honestly.

Dorothy:
Don't you think you should put bath with shower attachment you can whoosh round a bit?

Gary:
Too many words.

Les:
Yeah. (chuckles) I'll tell you how you can get a Jacuzzi when you're in the bath. (Chuckles)

Gary:
Les, are you going to say what I think you're going to say?

Les:
(chuckles) Yeah.

Gary:
You see, I don't want to attract the wrong sort of person.

George:
No, Marjorie and I talked about taking lodgers in, but she was scared of congestion on the stairs.

Gary:
God, yeah, scary.

George:
So, we thought about (grunts softly) letting out the room downstairs next to our living room.

Gary:
Isn't that your kitchen, George?

George:
Yes. I think that's why we decided against it in the end.

Gary:
Anyway, these questions should weed out any unsuitable candidates.

George:
Oh, er, ask me one.

Gary:
Oh, really. Grow up, Dermot. Wow, Obi-Wan at last we meet.

Clock:
Get up, you lazy bastard!

Deborah:
What does it say?

Tony:
We want sexual rights, and we want it now.

Anthea:
My nephew's gay.

Tony:
Oh, come on. People say strange things in their sleep. You ordered a pizza once.

Tony:
Did you send this?!

Gary:
Well, you told me where she worked, you said you wanted to chuck her.

Tony:
Not by fax!

Gary:
Oh, like a date sort of thing. That's what you wanted the change for earlier, isn't it?

Tony:
No, I wanted to get a packet of fags.

Gary:
Hey, Tony. I can't stay away, can I? (Chuckles) You know that record I brought you? I've had a rethink.

Tony:
Oh, well, I've already sold it to another collector.

Gary:
Well, get it back.

Tony:
I can't. He's probably sold it himself by now.

Gary:
Well, what am I going to tell Dorothy?

Tony:
Well, you said it was your record.

Gary:
I was lying.

Tony:
Well, what's the point of lying to me?

Gary:
I'm sorry. I've sort of got the habit of it with Dorothy. What am I going to do?

Tony:
Why don't you just tell her you sold it for her as a surprise?

Gary:
No, she'd say I was going to keep the money for myself.

Tony:
Weren't you?

Gary:
Of course I was. I'm not a bloody charity, am I? Besides, it's got sentimental value. She'll be upset. She still hasn't forgiven me for burying her gerbil alive.

Tony:
Uh, hang on. Look, you're in luck.

Gary:
Oh, great.

Tony:
Yeah, except it's the normal edition.

Gary:
Oh. Never mind. It'll have to do. Thanks, Tony. You've saved my life.

Tony:
Gary?

Gary:
Yeah?

Tony:
15 quid.

Gary:
It's not that worth much.

Tony:
Yeah, I know. I'd like you to let you have it for less, but I know you're desperate.

Gary:
Help. Help.

Deborah:
(yells) Help!

Dorothy:
Just relax, Gary.

Gary:
I'm perfectly relaxed. Will you stop using all my bloody water?!