Men Behaving Badly, Series 6

Dorothy:
We always said if we ended up as one of those couples who watch television in bed, we'd split up.

Gary:
(still watching) Close the door quietly on your way out.

Dorothy:
Gary, when I was away, did you sleep with a woman?

Gary:
How do you mean "woman"?

Dorothy:
A woman. You know, the ones with what you and Tony call "shirt potatoes".

Tony:
Gary, if I was a girl, with a girl's bottom and everything, would you marry me?

Gary:
Course, mate.

Tony:
Ta, mate!

Deborah:
How come you can't drive, Gary?

Gary:
Some people were born to drive, and some people were born to be driven.

Dorothy:
Some people were born to be run over.

Gary:
You know Felicity Kendal?

Deborah/Dorothy:
Yes.

Gary:
She was deliciously pert, wasn't she?

Deborah/Dorothy:
Yes.

Gary:
You know the Magic Roundabout?

Deborah/Dorothy:
Yes?

Gary:
What the Hell was that all about?

Dorothy:
You know my nephew's coming to stay.

Gary:
Yeah, why can't he stay in a hotel like normal people?

Dorothy:
Because he's 10.

Gary:
Isn't there a "kiddies" hotel we could put him in?

Tony:
Debs, will you do me a favour?

Deborah:
What?

Tony:
Will you have sex with me in a tree?

Tony:
(to Jonathan) So, do you like Thomas The Tank Engine? He's good, isn't he? Eh? With his face. All flat and blue.

Gary:
Puff, puff.

[to Dorothy's ten-year-old nephew, Jonathan]

Gary:
Grow up to be a decent member of society.

Tony:
Play lots of sport.

Gary:
Eat fruit, and, er, celery, and help old ladies cross the street, that sort of thing.

Tony:
Mmm, except Debs' mum.

Gary:
Yeah. Don't help her.

Tony:
No. Hinder her.

Gary:
Hinder her from crossing the street.

[calling out to Jonathan as he leaves]

Tony:
And just remember, eat plenty of celery.

Gary:
Yeah, and help old ladies across the street.

Tony:
Yeah, except Debs' mum!

Gary:
Yeah, except Debs' mum!

[Deborah's mum appears behind them]

Tony:
Because she's not old!

Gary:
Not old.

Tony:
Not in the slightest.

Gary:
In any way.

Tony:
At all.

Gary:
Leg it.

Dorothy:
Gary, you must've had this sofa for 25 years.

Gary:
Yeah, and my parents kept the polythene on for the first six.

Dorothy:
It's got some horrible stains on it.

Gary:
Where?

Dorothy:
There. There. There. There.

Deborah:
There. Here. There.

Dorothy:
There. There. There.

Deborah:
There.

Gary:
Well, I can't see any.

Deborah:
Oh, and what's that, there?

Dorothy:
Err.

Gary:
Ooh, yeah, that is a bit worrying.

Gary:
...the work thing never really gelled for you, did it?

Tony:
Gelled, no. Well it's not natural is it? Man was meant to hunt, fish and forage in the open air.

Gary:
Well, why aren't you doing that, then?

Tony:
You know I get a bit chesty in the open air.

Tony:
(singing down the phone)

We wish you a merry Christmas,

We wish you a merry Christmas,

We wish you a merry Christmas...

Oh, that's a wrong number.

[on Dorothy & Gary's baby attempts]

Gary:
I'll tell you a secret, you have to promise not to tell anyone though.

Tony:
Sure.

Gary:
To be honest, I'm having a bit of a problem... performing.

Tony:
What, you mean...

Gary:
Yeah.

Tony:
The fire's burning but the logs not going in?

Gary:
Yeah.

Tony:
Mr. Toad's still curled up in Toad Hall?

Gary:
Yeah.

Tony:
The magic bus doesn't want to go to Manchester?

Gary:
Thanks, no, it doesn't. Still, it's not a problem, happens to most men, sometime in their life.

Tony:
Sure, mate, no, you'll be alright.

Gary:
Thanks, mate.

Tony:
Doesn't make you any less of a man, does it? Just because... you're a big poof.

[Tony runs away]

Gary:
What?

[on Gary's impotence]

Ken:
Hello, Gary, I hear the old Boy Scout's not going into the sleeping bag.

[on Gary's impotence]

Tony:
I hear there's been a power-cut in the Little Hampton area

[on Gary's impotence]

Dorothy:
It doesn't matter, love.

Gary:
I know it doesn't.

Dorothy:
Well, it does actually, if we're trying to have a baby.

Gary:
I've always thought a good name for a folk band would be: "Folk Off And Die, Folkhead".

Deborah:
It can take a long time to get pregnant, can't it?

Tony:
Oh yeah, everything has to be right, the womb has to be in the right cycle; the, um, placebo has to be aligned with the aviary; and the seed must be freed.

Gary:
[drunk] You know, I've never said this before...

Tony:
[drunk] What?

Gary:
"Ibble-wibble wibble".

[both laugh drunkenly]

Dorothy:
Gary doesn't understand periods. He thinks they're something to do with the moon.

[Tony is trying to destroy a giant plastic fish with a finger-nail-file]

Deborah:
I saw Gary kissing a woman.

[Tony stops filing]

Tony:
A woman other than Dorothy?

Deborah:
Yes.

Tony:
Are you sure it wasn't Dorothy in disguise?

Deborah:
Yes.

Tony:
Or someone disguised as Gary?

Deborah:
Yes.

Tony:
Blimey... Wayhey!

Deborah:
No, Tony, not "wayhey".

Tony:
No, not "wayhey", sorry.

Deborah:
Gary seemed really keen on this girl, and Dorothy thinks she's pregnant, it's all a big mess.

Tony:
Oh, yes. Still, wayhey!

Deborah:
No!

Tony:
No. No, not, no.

Deborah:
Talk to Gary, he'll listen to you.

Tony:
He doesn't do anything I tell him to do, except for his Ken Dodd impression, he doesn't mind doing that.

Deborah:
Well, find this girl, warn her off Gary. She's one of the delegates. I think her name's Wendy. Here...

[She takes one of Gary's suits from the cupboard]

...wear this, and mingle.

Tony:
Alright, but you must stay, and file my fish.

Deborah:
No.

Gary:
Dorothy thinks she might be pregnant.

Tony:
How do they know?

Gary:
I don't know, I think it's something to do with... no, I don't know.

Tony:
Are you alright?

Dorothy:
Well, let's see, everything's twice the size it was nine months ago and I'm growing another head inside me.

[Gary is drunk and stagger into the office, slamming the door open]:

Anthea:
Did you have a nice drink with Tony?

Gary:
Tony Posty! Yes, I did, thank you very much. Here, wait, wait a minute, I've always wanted to...I've always to try this.

[He swings on the door then gets off and walks over to his desk]:

Gary:
Not actually as much fun as I'd expected.

George:
Someone's a bit squiffy.

Gary:
Yes, that'll be me. [Anthea starts to leave] No, wait, wait, Anthea don't go, wait, don't go wait, don't... pull up a...a thing, you too Porgie.

[Gary sits on his desk and Anthea and George take two chairs and sits down]

Gary:
I've had to get squiffy to tell you this, 'cause in a funny way...I care about you. Now, I know that might sound a bit stupid and a bit spooky and perhaps even a bit... [He puts his hand on his head] God, I'm getting a headache! Right...here goes. I've got some bad news.

Anthea:
Is it about the pencils?

Gary:
No, just forget about the bloody pencils, Anthea. [pause] The office has to close down in two weeks and we're all out of a job.

[pause]:

Anthea:
Oh, I can't see that happening.

George:
Nor can I.

[Gary is flummoxed. He picks up a stapler]:

Gary:
Look, imagine this is our job. Yeah? Now look closely. [He turns and gestures with the stapler to the window] Job...going out of window. No? Job...window. Window...job. [He throws the stapler out of the window, breaking the glass. Anthea and George stand up in shock]

Gary:
That obviously works a bit better better if you open the window first. But you get my point. [turns and notices Anthea and George standing right by him] Oh! There will of course be a redundy package, a rebundancy package. [takes George by the tie and plays with said tie] George, you've been with the company for...eighty three years, you'll get three million and several thousand pounds. Anthea, [He makes his hand into a fist and almost does a "matey" punch on her shoulder] You've been with the company fifty two years, so you get a small castle in Surrey. Well done! [He sits back down on his desk] Don't worry about me, I obviously will find a nice slot with Parks and Spenenser or Tele British Comms. One of the two.

[pause]:

Gary:
Shall we hug, would that help? [Anthea and George back away from his stretched arms]

Anthea:
Well, right, [clasps her hands together] I'll just get back to work. [She leaves]

Gary:
Oh, blast!

'[He walks over to his desk]:

Gary:
George...say something.

George:
I can't see it happening.

[While grabbing his chair, Gary falls over]:

Gary:
[drunk] I'm sorry if I've ever been mean, have I ever been mean?

George/Anthea:
Yes

Gary:
No, be honest. I think we should be more honest. Or do I mean more sexy?

[Dorothy has been in labour for four hours]

Dorothy:
FUCK! FUCK! BASTARD MEN! YOU BASTARD, BASTARD MEN! Sorry, was I shouting?

Midwife:
Just a bit. Nearly there.

[knocks at the door]

Dorothy:
WHAT FUCKING TIME DO YOU CALL THIS, YOU FUCKER?!

[Gary has just knocked out the midwife with a door]

Gary:
[drunk] That's probably normal.

Gary:
[drunk] That's alright I'll call the ambulance, what's the number? It's 9 - something.

[Dorothy is in labour; Tony & Gary are drinking lagers]

Gary:
Bottoms up. NOT YOU, LOVE!

Tony:
You could get a job in a school. Oi, you, get down off that fence! I saw that. Like that.