Mike & Molly, Season 1

Victoria:
[High after smoking a joint] Has it been a long time since I've talked?

Molly:
Wait a second, you're dating my mother?

Vince:
Hey, old soup is still good if you heat it up.

Mike:
[at a restaurant] How's your snapper?

Molly:
[loopy on cold medicine] Fine. How's your penis?

Mike:
I'm alright, Nana. How are you?

Grandma:
Oh, I'm right with my savior and tight with my bookie!

Mike:
She was showing off and speaking in different languages.

Grandma:
You mean in tongues like the Pentecostals?

Mike:
No, like French and German and Shakespeare.

Grandma:
Oh good, 'cuz I've been to a tent revival and that mess will put you off Jesus!

Molly:
Look, I have no interest in pouring hot wax on my lady business and ripping all the hair out.

Victoria:
Eighteen months, four days, five hours, sweetie. I can have that wax heated up lickity split.

Joyce:
And then he can get at it lickity split.

Molly:
All right, maybe a little off the sides. But we should probably have a safe word.

Joyce:
Well, I always just scream 'Ouch, my hoo ha!'

Joyce:
I know he's not your father, but he treats me like a queen. And you can crack walnuts on his johnson.

Molly:
[talking to Vince, Joyce and Victoria] Somebody has to go out there and talk to Mike's mom.

Victoria:
I'll do it.

Molly:
[slight pause] Weird thing is, you were my first choice.

Mike:
[Molly asked what Carl is doing in Mike's apartment with the door chain locked] He's probably in there doin' some broad.

Molly:
[Punches Mike's shoulder] Mike, that's disgusting!

Mike:
Sorry. He's in there making sweet love to some broad.

Molly:
[Punches him again] So, you're telling me right now he's in there having sex on our bed?

Mike:
I don't think so. Carl likes to stand and deliver.

Molly:
Mike's taking me to "La Boheme"

Joyce:
The opera? Have you told him that Elmer Fudd isn't in it?

Mike:
[At the opera with Molly] God, where is John Wilkes Booth when you need him?

Mike:
[to Molly after sneezing in the car] Here's a million dollar idea. Windshield wipers on the *in* side.

Mike:
[Speaking of Carl's frugality] Unfortunately, your wallet and your pants are like Superman and Clark Kent: never in the same place at the same time.

Grandma:
[Admonishing Carl] You're going to apologize because it's the Christian thing to do. And if you don't, I'm gonna part your behind like it's the Red Sea and my foot is Moses.

Joyce:
When I die, pull out the stops; I want to look peaceful but do-able.

Peggy:
My motto's always been: A little powder, a little paint, makes you something that you ain't.