Mom, Season 1

Christy:
While other mothers were cooking dinner, you were cooking meth.

Bonnie:
Otherwise known as working.

Christy:
Some mothers teach their daughters how to bake. Mine taught me how to beat a cavity search and still feel like a lady.

Christy:
Mom, I've watched you lick cocaine crumbs out of a shag carpet.

Bonnie:
It's not a sin to be thrifty, dear.

Christy:
Violet, I can't tell you not to have sex at your age, because I had sex at your age.

Violet:
Mom, I'm not having sex.

Christy:
Uh, don't lie to the woman who washes your sheets.

Christy:
That's how you get into heaven, letting a little guy go up on you.

Bonnie:
I wish. All he wanted to do was spank me.

Christy:
Well, no good deed goes unpunished.

Violet:
I'll have the test results in two minutes.

Christy:
That's great. I mean the time to worry is so much less. When I was pregnant with you, those things took 20 minutes.

Violet:
Really?

Christy:
Yeah, that's how far science has come. So, that's great! [to Bonnie] We'll know the test results in 2 minutes.

Bonnie:
Wow. When I was pregnant with you, those things took 2 hours.

Christy:
Really?

Bonnie:
Yeah, that's a long time to wait in a gas station bathroom.

Bonnie:
You know, I had sex with a missionary once and oddly -- he wasn't a fan of the position.

Bonnie:
[holding up one of Christy's dresses] Were you sober when you bought this?

Christy:
I don't even remember. I hate all my clothes, they're all from when I was drinking.

Bonnie:
[holds up red plastic dress] What were you when you bought this?

Christy:
Popular.

Roscoe:
[playing blackjack] I don't have anymore money.

Bonnie:
No money? Or no money ON you?

Roscoe:
Well, I have some upstairs in my piggy bank.

Bonnie:
Well it's not doing you any good up there, is it?

Bonnie:
So how'd it go with your boss?

Christy:
I broke his leg *and* his nose.

Bonnie:
It felt good, didn't it?

Christy:
No, it didn't.

Bonnie:
A little bit?

Christy:
...A little.

Christy:
Regina, I know this is difficult for you, but I just want you to know, I think you're doing great.

Regina:
Really? 'Cause I think I might snap and kill you and your mother in your sleep.

Bonnie:
Recovering from the fatal disease of alcoholism doesn't mean I can't get some strange every once in a while.

Christy:
You should sew that on a pillow.

Marjorie:
Christy, if a man won't wait until you're ready to share your secret garden, he's not worth a second of your time.

Bonnie:
Secret garden? Holy Moses, how many cats do you own?

Marjorie:
Four.

Luke:
I'm telling you, I walked in on my parents having sex once and it traumatized me.

Violet:
This isn't the same thing.

Luke:
Yeah, it's worse, the kid can't run out of the room screaming.

Violet:
[Christy enters] Mom, tell Luke he's not going to hurt the baby.

Christy:
...If I do that, he'll have sex with you. [to Luke] Stick to your guns.

Bonnie:
[Christy doesn't want to talk about her relationship] So how about you, Luke still worried he'll poke the baby's eye out?

Violet:
Luke is a very caring and sensitive person, and I don't want to talk about it.

Bonnie:
[pause] Well since nobody's going to ask me, I'll tell you, I took home a vice cop last night and I do want to talk about it.

Christy:
[speaking to Luke's parents] All right, I just want to say that we've all come to really love your son, and I know my daughter is crazy about him, so... I'm sure there's a happy ending in here somewhere.

Bonnie:
If Violet just gave him a happy ending we woul...

Christy:
Mom!

Christy:
[as Luke's parents are leaving] By the way, Pastor. We're going to raise the baby Jewish.

Bonnie:
And we're not Jews.

Christy:
Shalom, bitch!

Bonnie:
[as Christy tucks her in] Am I pretty?

Christy:
What? Of course you are, you're beautiful.

Bonnie:
I don't feel beautiful. I feel like a man trapped in a man's body.

Christy:
That's all in your head.

Bonnie:
Are you saying I'm crazy?

Christy:
Not in this context. Go to sleep, things will look a lot better in the morning.

Nathan:
We're not sure that Luke is the only boy who has slept with this temptress.

Bonnie:
Now hold it right there, I can assure you that with every generation of our family, the women get better. Now, I may have been a drunken slut.

Christy:
She was.

Bonnie:
And my daughter may also have been a drunken slut.

Christy:
Hey!

Bonnie:
What?

Christy:
Sorry, go on.

Bonnie:
But this angel was pure as snow until she smoked your son's blunt, drank his tequila and made mad passionate love to him for about 2 minutes. [to Violet] Am I right so far?

Violet:
[uncomfortably] Pretty much.

Christy:
Dammit, I forgot I have to take Violet to her doctor's appointment!

Bonnie:
I know, I had Luke take her in early. She's gained 3 pounds, the baby's the size of an heirloom tomato.

Violet:
Do we have a Bible?

Christy:
We have one that's hollowed out.

Violet:
Why would it be hollow?

Christy:
...I misspoke. We don't have a Bible.

Violet:
Never mind, I'll just get one at the library.

Christy:
Why do you want to read the Bible?

Violet:
Because I'm curious.

Christy:
What? I didn't raise you to be curious.

Violet:
Luke's father thinks I should come to his church and work on my soul.

Christy:
Well you tell Luke's father that I said your soul can kick his soul's ass.

Christy:
Marjorie, how many cats do you own?

Marjorie:
Oh, you don't own cats. You love them.

Christy:
Okay... How many cats do you love?

Marjorie:
[pointing and gesturing] Well, let's see. That's Carlos Santana, and that's Grace Slick, and that's Boz Skaggs, and Steve Miller, and these three are the Tower of Power horn section. And this fat little trouble-maker is Jerry Garcia. So... eight.

Christy:
[walks in on Luke and Violet on her bed with her jeans half on] God, lock the door!

Luke:
No, it's not what you think, I'm trying to get them *on* her.

Christy:
What?

Violet:
None of my stupid pants fit!

Christy:
Of course not, Violet, you're pregnant. You had to know this was going to happen.

Violet:
I did but I still wanted to be hot.

Christy:
You were hot, that's why you're pregnant.

Rudy:
But the real magic happens when we start to combine flavors. For example, take a simple cherry tomato, squirt a little aged balsamic vinegar into its fleshy center...

Bonnie:
Cherry. Squirt. Fleshy. You can't help yourself, can you?

Rudy:
It's very hard.

Christy:
Rudy said he doesn't want to see you anymore.

Bonnie:
What? Wait, why are you telling me this and not him?

Christy:
Because he has an emotionally crippling mother.

Rudy:
So why don't you drink?

Bonnie:
I'm allergic to alcohol, any time I drink it I break out in handcuffs.

Rudy:
What a shame, I happen to have a large collection of both wine and handcuffs.

Christy:
[Christy and Bonnie are confessing long-held secret to each other] Okay, I got one. Remember that kilo of hash that was stolen from your car?

Bonnie:
Yeah?

Christy:
Best. Junior Prom. Ever.

Bonnie:
Are you crazy? I was almost KILLED for that.

Christy:
Oh, I'm sorry.

Bonnie:
I had a GUN to my head in the desert, they made me dig my own grave!

Christy:
That's too bad. I was voted queen of the prom!

Luke:
This ass was spanked a lot as a kid and it's a better ass for it.

Violet:
Well I want to raise our baby with patience and understanding.

Luke:
Why? You weren't raised that way.

Violet:
I know. I want to do better by our child. I want to be able to break the cycle.

Luke:
Wow, that's ambitious.

Alvin:
[Knocks on door. Violet answers] Hi. Is Christy Plunkett here?

Violet:
You a bill collector?

Alvin:
No.

Violet:
Subpoena?

Alvin:
No.

Violet:
Are we being evicted again?

Alvin:
No. What do you mean "again"?

Violet:
Never mind. She's not here.

Alvin:
Oh, okay. You, uh... you must be her daughter.

Violet:
Listen pal, we're not joining your church.

Alvin:
I'm not... Forget it. I'll come back another time.

Violet:
Whatever. [Slams door]

Alvin:
Wow. My granddaughter's a joy.

Christy:
[ driving a firetruck stops at a red light]

Bonnie:
[following Christy) What are you doing?

Christy:
What it's a red light.

Bonnie:
You're in a firetruck.

Christy:
Oh right. [turns on sirens]

Christy:
I can't believe they found you guilty.

Regina:
I can. I stole three million dollars.

Christy:
Maybe they'll send you to one of those swanky country club jails.

Regina:
Get real. I'm a black woman who embezzled money from white people. I'm going to jail jail. Someone's gonna buy my ass for a KitKat bar.

Bonnie:
Well, it's only fair. KitKat bars helped build that thing.

Regina:
Where do you think Christy is?

Bonnie:
I think she's unrolling a fire hose.

Regina:
What?

Bonnie:
She's dating a fireman.

Christy:
I thought this baby was going to be my second chance.

Violet:
How would that happen?

Christy:
Well, this time I wouldn't be drunk. I wouldn't pass out at a PTA meeting, at the wrong school.

Violet:
[dryly] Yeah, that wasn't too embarrassing.

Christy:
The baby shower's going to be great, fun and games and free stuff for the baby.

Violet:
I don't need it.

Christy:
Violet, I'm stealing food from work, trust me, we need it.

Violet:
No we don't.

Christy:
Why not?

Violet:
...I've made a decision. I'm giving this baby up for adoption. [leaves]

Christy:
I feel like I just got punched in the heart.

Regina:
Do you know what the worst part of being in prison will be?

Bonnie:
Being in prison?

Regina:
No, that I won't get to see my son grow up.

Bonnie:
Oh... I'm gonna stop talking now.

Marjorie:
Don't say it if you don't mean it.

Christy:
When did you last see your son?

Regina:
Before my trial.

Marjorie:
But that was months ago!

Regina:
My ex-husband won't let me see him, not that I blame him. He just turned 10. He's going to be a teenager by the time I get out.

Christy:
Where's your ex live?

Regina:
In Stockton, about a hundred miles back.

Christy:
[pause] Hell with it. [turns the car around] We're going to Stockton!

Regina:
But I'll be late to turn myself in.

Christy:
What the hell are they gonna do, Regina? Throw you in jail?

Violet:
Hey.

Alvin:
Hey. Your mom tells me you've got a prom coming up.

Violet:
Um-hmm.

Alvin:
That sounds like fun.

Violet:
Yep.

Alvin:
What's the theme?

Violet:
Broken condoms, broken dreams.

Alvin:
[Nodding] Oh, okay. You've got a shot at being the Queen.

Christy:
Shouldn't Luke be here by now?

Violet:
He didn't drive, he's high, so he took the bus.

Christy:
He smoked pot on the day you're having the baby?

Violet:
He smokes pot every day, it's not a big deal.

Luke:
[in the hall] Violet?

Violet:
I'm in here!

Luke:
[walks right by] Violet?

Violet:
I'm in here!

Luke:
Violet?

Violet:
You literally just walked past me!

Luke:
Violet?

Christy:
Everyday, huh?

Violet:
I changed my mind!

Christy:
I told you, you can't go home, you have to have this baby.

Violet:
No, I changed my mind, I'm keeping this baby!

Christy:
[she and Bonnie look at each other] Are you sure?

Violet:
I'm never going through this much pain again, so I need to keep this baby!