Mr. Show, Season 3 (Sept. - Dec. 1997)

David:
Terra-da-loo, The Bob. Mr. Show is the true way.

The Bob:
It's time to eat the poison s'mores...get them while they're poison-ey; that's when they're best.

Chuck (Bob):
Can't I just make you some sperm? It's really good.

Chuck (Bob):
Look, I like to masturbate in a closed room while people are waiting for pie to cool.

John Oakfellow of the Red Cross (John Ennis):
It's been a real soul-shattering experience.

Elderly resident of community affected by Devastator (unknown):
I ain't afraid of no rolley coaster!

The Limits of Science" educational film narrator (Bob):
All facts start as dreams dreamt by a wizard.

Commercial voice (unknown):
Sponsored by Smithy's Barrows. Makers of barrows for over 200 harvests. Now with wheels.

Kevin, the slothful child (David):
I ... also ... want people to perform ... beastialities for me.

David:
I, David Cross ... me, not the character ... am bald.

Jill:
I accept you David, but I don't accept the choice you've made.

David:
It's not a choice, Jill, God made me this way.

Jill:
Then I reject God.

The cock ring mascot (Bob)/Engaged guy's buddy (John Ennis):
Any cock'll do!

Terry Twillstein/Ronnie Dobbs (Bob/David):
I am a camera, a camera am I!

Ronnie Dobbs (David):
Well let's go have us a champagne jam!

Ronnie Dobbs (David):
It needs some reverb or pedal or sumthin.

Bob Lamonta's father (Bob):
My shoes hurt!

Bob Lamonta (David):
I did grow a moustache, but I thought it made me look gay, so whoosh! [indicating its swift removal]

Bob Lamonta's father (Bob):
I'm strong like the Hulk.

Bob:
Hey, who wants a banana?

Dingle, the ventriloquism dummy (David):
Why don't you suck my eight inches of redwood?

Killer B. Killed (Jonathan Fowler Jr.):
I don't know, man. These guys got their f***in' talkin' dolls in here 'n' shit.

Professor Murder (Sam Sarpong):
What?! I ain't no Professor Pickles!

Pickles, the ventriloquism dummy (Bob):
Yeah, don't mess with the East Coast!

Professor Murder (Sam Sarpong):
Look, I don't need you defending me, you Howdy-Doody-lookin' motherf***er. I'm outta here!

Pickles, the ventriloquism dummy (Bob):
Yeah, I'm with him!

Professor Murder (Sam Sarpong):
Man, step off!

Jerry, the hanged guy (David):
Say, by any chance, are you a murderer?

Wife of Mark, the lyncher (Jill Talley):
NO!

Jerry, the hanged guy (David):
Oh, good. Then your children will only be half murderer.

Delongpre Dannon's talkshow guest (David):
Fake girl, you oughta be able to have your imaginary baby, because the most wonderful thing in the world is to be an imaginary mother.

Prospective Shoe Court Shoe Store employee (Bob):
It was great. It's crack. It gets ya real high.

Shoe Court Shoe Store interviewer (Paul F. Tompkins):
I am a control-freak because I was molested by my parents... Oh, God! What a breakthrough!

Shoe Court Shoe Store employee (Jay Johnston):
Have you ever taken a train and eaten it piece by piece... after you just derailed it with your penis?

Prospective Shoe Court Shoe Store employee (Bob):
Yes...It was for charity!

Criminy Craffft (David):
Eatin' an orange? That was like takin' a trip through a citrus mountain.

Hallucino-Jenny (Laura Milligan):
I can taste colors!

Helpful guy in Druggachussetts (John Ennis):
And remember, only take what you can handle, and always know your dealer!

Mayor O.D. McCrack (Paul F. Tompkins):
As mayor of the altered state of Druggachusettes, I declare this pizza to be...awesome!

David:
Hey, fancy pants, you weren't in this one.

Bob:
Later, we'll be having a beauty contest, and the winner will be crowned "Queen Pretty"!!!

Mother of missing companion (Brett Paesel):
We're praying for our boy. He's a wonderful son. And I'm sure a great companion. We also pray for the two young people.

Father of missing companion (Jay Johnston):
And, of course, the other companion.

Alexis Jung, designer, and constant chum of Nostradamus (David):
Buckle the f*** up!

Nostradamus (Bob):
No fatties.

Fran, member of "Indomitable Spirit" (Sarah Silverman):
I'm Fran, and I'm a woman.

Reverend Winton Dupree (Bob):
I have a question, and I know you all have it, too: What is up Satan's ass?! All he wants to do is f*** us up, the dick-licker! Now the Lord said, "I am the light of the world." Now, He could as easily have said, "I am King Shit of F*** Mountain. Why would you f*** with Me?!" Now, I'll tell you what. I am the only preacher with the f***in' balls, and you know this, you all know this, to say, "Satan I damn thee! You goddamm motherf***in', shit-eatin', cock-suckin', son of a B!" Can I get a f***in' A?

Text on Poster:
Being poor sucks!

Victor, the dumped landlord (Bob):
Is Victor now to fix the sun? I cannot get up there.

Shamul/Anwar (David/Paul F. Tompkins):
I spit on your spit. I piss on your spit. I shit on your piss. I fart on your shit. I laugh at your fart. We are friends again! Hey!

Dylan, the pretentious hipster (David):
Jupiter's Thunder!!! Rock & Roll is the most criminal of garbages...it is a crutch...it is a crutch! It will never sully my ears!!!

Panzic Poojaran (David):
Everyday people go into restaurants, and they...they take the condiments, and they take them and put them on the plate and mix it up and put it in their glass and they dare their friends to drink it. They...they think it is funny. RIGHT NOW I WOULD DRINK IT! AND I WOULD THANK THEM FOR IT!

Panzic Poojaran (David):
If I die ... if I die ... tell my people ... to bury me ... in mashed potatoes!

Paul Peters, spokesperson for Dr. X's telethon (unknown):
Please don't kill me!

Dr. X (Bob):
I have blown up Chicago.

David:
False teeth speak false truths, Bob!

Bob/David:
[chanting] Youth ... is truth! I wish "old" rhymed with "lies"!

Grandpa Timmy (unknown):
And testicular electrocution would be administered to all those who get into monkeyshines!

NASA spokesman (David):
We have the technology. The time is now. Science can wait no longer. Children are our future. America can, should, must, and will blow up the moon.

San Francisco protester (Sarah Silverman):
We're spending all this money, millions of dollars, to blow up the moon, when there are so many things here on Earth to blow up ... Mount Everest, the North Pole, et cetera. We're earthlings, let's blow up Earth things!

C.S. Lewis, Jr. (Bob):
Don't mess around ... with God's America.

Fired employee (David):
This is BULLSHIT!!!

Father of streaker Jimmy Montello (John Ennis):
I slave 12 hours a day making pepper, to put clothes on your back, so you can go taking them off?!

Video Image Text:
Worthington's Law: More Money = Better Than

Carl Espick, editor of Value magazine (David):
Did you know that according to Worthington's Law, the opera singer who called himself the "Great" Caruso was nowhere near as great as Sammy Hagar, the Red Rocker? So, shut up, Caruso!

Carl Espick:
In 1995, Steve Peters had no money. He was a public school teacher, so his opinion wasn't worth very much. But then, in 1996, he won the lottery, and he was a great man. Greater than Einstein, who made very little. But then, guess what this genius-for-a-day does. He goes and gives his money to charity! Now he's about as dumb as Einstein! Way to go, Einstein!

Successful siamese twin (Bob):
No! I worked. You sat on my ass and did nothing!

Science program host (Bob):
Scientists have ascertained that there may be as many as... 24 stars in the cosmos.

Nazi official (David):
To say we killed 24 Jews would be an exaggeration.

Salini (David):
What's wrong, Philouza? A few too many of Mr. Graham's crackers?

Kedzie Matthews (Tom Kenny):
Watch as Mrs. Vila gets half of This Old House in "This Old Divorce"!

Jack Weber (Bob):
Here's a simple test to see if your child is really a costumed dwarf: hit him in the head with a hammer.

Jack Weber (Bob):
Just because a child is defiant doesn't mean they want to overthrow the government. Maybe they just want a cookie, a game, some attention...attention that a drunken father cannot provide...I'm sorry, Tim.

Marriage Con & Boat Show seminar host (Jill Talley):
Men 'R' Stupid...ta da! Women 'R' Stupider. We need to get married! I did it! Get in line! Get in line, you dumb bitch!

Benjamin Gerard, ice cream purveyor (David):
"Rock & Roll Double Chunk". It has chocolate in it, and we figure if people like Rock & Roll music, they'll like this, cause it says "Rock & Roll" on it.

Last Indian" piece narrator (Tom Kenny):
I f***in' saw God, Jack. And I laughed in his f***in' face!

Hell in a Handbasket" soldier (David):
You are a dying asshole.

Jon Stewart (as himself):
I felt it was time for another Vietnam message.

All American Salute to the Last Indian" co-host (Paul F. Tompkins):
The rap group, The F***-ups.

Moe Phelps (Bob):
All acting is is jumping up and down and yelling and screaming a lot.

Local World News network anchor (Bob):
Later tonight, we'll have an update from the war-torn Gaza Strip, where Betty McPhee will tell us all about Tripper, the counting dog.

Kennard Chamberlain, senior member of law firm (Bob):
Do you really think court cases are decided by judges and juries making decisions based on evidence and lawyers' arguments?

John Hamlinson, managing associate of law firm (Tom Kenny):
Oh, Danny! How could you be so naïve?

Kennard Chamberlain, senior member of law firm (Bob):
Danny, court cases are decided by a series of blowjobs!

Ken Doral, host of the "Pre-taped Call-in Show" (David):
If you wanted to talk about pet care, you should have called last week, when our show on racism was airing, but we were taping the pet care show, which is airing now.

Moe Phelps (Bob):
Pack your bags, gang. We're going up my mom's ass!