My Family, Series 4 (2003)

Michael:
I've got the training, I've got the equipment, all I need now is the collapse of western civilization.

Mrs Gleaves:
You're a user, just like my husband!

Ben:
You're a nutcase, just like my wife!

Susan:
What happened?

Ben:
I'd just rather not talk about it right now.

Susan:
Okay. Good night.

Ben:
Susan, I very nearly had sexual intercourse with your mother.

Susan:
What?

Ben:
I didn't know she was there. I thought it was you.

Susan:
Oh... Ben, that's... that's... that's terrible! (begins laughing) And funny at the same time.

Ben:
It is not funny!

Susan:
Oh, come on, it's a little bit funny.

Ben:
Susan, I– we very nearly became a Greek tragedy!

Susan:
Look, look, I don't want her here any more than you do, but she's in great pain and can't move.

Ben:
Are you sure she's not faking it?

Susan:
I don't know, you tell me. (begins laughing again)

Nick:
(pulling a container from the refrigerator) Is this lasagne or fish?

Michael:
What's it smell like?

Nick:
Fish.

Michael:
Then it's lasagne.

Ben:
Eh, poetry... I'm not that desperate, I can tell you!

Abi:
Then could you stop feeling up the grapefruit?

(Ben flashbacks to Nick's birth. However, instead of a baby, he pictures a full grown Nick sticking out from between his mothers legs).

Nick:
Hello Dad! Could you lend me a fiver?

Abi:
Your mother's gone blind because she's seen the unseeable: your messy room! (whispers) She didn't see the girl you had up there, though.

Susan:
Yes I did, but, you know, I'm cool with that.

(Susan has run out of treats.)

Susan:
And for you, something really special!

Girl 1:
A Biro with half an inch of ink in it?

Susan:
People will kill for one of those in Morocco.

Girl 1:
We're not in Morocco!

Susan:
More's the pity!

Ben:
(of Kenzo) Susan, the baby will wake up when he's good and ready.

Susan:
That is so old-fashioned! Haven't you read any of the latest baby care books?

Ben:
Have you?

Susan:
I don't need to; I've raised three children... and you.

Ben:
Susan, admit it. All these years, you have been screwing up the kids. It's me, I've been the perfect parent.

Susan:
(speaking on telephone) Oh, hello. Yes, mi nombre es Senora Susan Harper. ¿cómo está usted?

Ben:
Susan, hello? You're phoning London.

Susan:
I know, but, you know, "when in Rome".

Ben:
We're not in Rome, we're in hell!

Abi:
Hello Judith

Ben:
It's Judas!!!

Ben:
(subdued) I've just seen what my family's life would be like, had I never been born. They'd be no different. No difference at all. I've had no effect on anything.

Clarence:
Wow, that's depressing.

Ben:
No, it's not. (grins) It's wonderful! Don't you see? They're the crazy ones! I'm off the hook!

Delays on the Tube

Ben:
Oh, for crying out loud...

Susan:
Ben, calm down. It's only been five minutes.

Nick:
(staring at a nervous, elderly couple) That's how it always starts. With five minutes. Then ten. Then half an hour. Then an hour. Then two hours... and then a month.

Ben:
Nick.

Nick:
Then two months.

Ben:
Nick!

Nick:
Then a year!

Ben:
Nick, please!

Barry Hall:
Could you please get your son to be quiet?

Ben:
No, but you have a go, by all means.

Barry:
He's making my wife nervous.

Ben:
You'll get used to it.

Barry:
That's right. Nothing to do with you. Wash your hands of it.

Susan:
Don't worry. He has.

Susan:
The glass is always half-empty with you, isn't it?

Ben:
Half-empty. Cracked. Chipped. Dirty. Smeared with toxic, germ-ridden, radioactive s-

Susan:
Anyway...