My Name Is Earl, Season 3

Glenn:
I'm gonna rip out your hair, put it in a jar and, I don't know, mail it to the pope! With a salmon.

Glenn:
I'm gonna find you! I will track you down and wear your pelt!

Earl:
Whoa! So. You guys are kissin'. What's that about?

[A cop goes to Club Chubby's per a police complaint]

Cop:
What is the problem here, ladies?

Catalina:
The problem is, officer, that this perra stole my regular!

Cop:
Alright, alright! Now let's hear Perra's side of the story.

Dancer:
He's my regular now! You weren't around! A man's got needs, and I got everything he needs [smacks butt] right here, okay?!

Cop:
What's your side of the story, sir?

Nescobar:
I don't know why they're fighting! They have both sat on my lap, they are both now my wives.

Cop:
Sir, just because a girl sits on your lap doesn't mean you're married to her!

Catalina:
You shouldn't even sit on a man's lap; you'll break his legs.

Dancer:
[Looks confused]

Catalina:
I'm calling you fat.

Dancer:
Oh, you should not have explained that!

Nescobar:
Wives, wives! I have enough seed for both of you. The skinny one, I will lay with you for pleasure. The thick one, you will birth my sons.

Catalina:
See? He called you thick!

[The two girls tackle and fight each other on a pool table; the cop restrains Nescobar from breaking up the fight]

Cop:
Whoa whoa whoa! Hold on! Let's see where this goes.

Club Announcer:
[V/O] Gentlemen, there is a catfight at the pool table!

[An inmate walks up to Randy]

Inmate:
So you actually know Tim Stack? [Randy nods] Wow, he's funny. I'd like to kidnap him, spend some time with him and maybe set him on fire.

Randy:
Yeah, he would be funny on fire.

[Singing to the tune of the "COPS" theme]

Randy:
Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire.

Inmate:
Set him on fire watch him burn to death.

Together:
Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire, set him on fire watch him burn to death, Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire!

Doctor:
All we can do now is pray. I bet you wish you had more than one god now. Hahaha.

Joy:
...and third, you don't look this good without the Lord on your side!

Earl:
[narrating] Lucky for me, Randy had a degree in joysticks from the University of Pacman.

Randy:
Wacca wacca wacca wacca.

Earl:
It was like some crazy cross between Rocky and Supermarket Sweep.