NCIS, Season 11

Abby:
[telling McGee about Gibbs being out of town, looks at Delilah] Can she be trusted?

Delilah:
I have a higher security clearance than any of you.

Abby:
So did Mata Hari.

Vance:
After what happened to SECNAV, I'm tempted to ground you.

Gibbs:
After what happened to SECNAV, how can I stay?

[...]

Gibbs:
[to Vance] You want anything from the Tehran gift shop?

[Ducky finds an unknown intruder in his autopsy room trying to tamper with evidence]

Palmer:
[struggles with intruder] Call security!!!

[Ducky knocks the intruder cold with one of his aluminium surgical bowls]

Ducky:
[grins] Who needs security? [scoffs] Tie him up!

[Later]

[The intruder is being held inside the interrogation room while Ducky and Tony observe from behind the glass.]

Ducky:
[to Tony] I must say, our victim appears markedly smaller than when Mr. Palmer and I pummeled him into next week. Today we met danger head on and emerged victorious.

Tony:
Sir, instead of wasting time what if I just hang around here, as a visitor doing purely visiting things. [holds his "visitor" ID]

Vance:
[smiles] We could use the company.

Tony:
[after Fornell explains that a terrorist group and some American companies are in cahoots] Gordon Gekko meets bin Laden.

[Tony, McGee and Fornell are sitting in the squad room when Gibbs walks in]

Fornell:
How was the desert? They say it's the dry heat. [Gibbs flings his scarf into Fornell's face as he walks to his desk]

Tony:
Welcome back, Boss.

Gibbs:
What've we got?

Fornell:
The usual. Went to hell while you were gone.

Tony:
I've got sniper slugs in my living room. The Duckman found a rat in his lab. And, uh, there's a terrorist named Parso...

Gibbs:
Yeah I know all that, DiNozzo.

Tony:
Of course you do.

[...]

[Parsons walks into the squad room, to the shock of McGee and Tony]

Gibbs:
Yeah, he's ok. [slaps Parsons hard on the back]

Parsons:
[awkwardly] It's nice to see that you guys are alive and well. [looks at an unimpressed McGee and Tony] Look, I'm sorry about the--

McGee & Tony:
I want my badge back!

Parsons:
[Gibbs looks at him] Yeaaahh. I can understand that. Not a problem. [Fornell looks at Parsons in amusement] Now that the case is, uh... [sees Gibbs looking him intently]...dismissed, I'll talk with Director Vance about it.

Tony:
[still unimpressed] Thank you, Dick.

Fornell:
You know, I'm not gonna kiss you goodnight.

Gibbs:
[incredulously] What??

Fornell:
Why are you walking me to my car? We breaking up?

Gibbs:
If I could I would but unfortunately I trust you.

McGee:
[looking on as Gibbs assesses Agent Grady, to Tony] It's worse than we thought. She's applying for a full-time position. Criminal investigator. Gibbs is conducting the preliminary review.

Tony:
[discreetly] What's the plan?

McGee:
She's not gonna be as easy to chase away as the others.

Tony:
[whispers] We can't let Gibbs know that she annoys us. He'll think we feel threatened.

McGee:
Hey Abby. Ducky said you pulled some prints off our Jane Doe? Any luck?

Abby:
[looks at McGee] Luck. Is that what you think happens in here?

McGee:
No I just meant--

Abby:
It's Tuesday so no backtracking.

[McGee is speechless]

[Gibbs confronts four armed angry Afghan men outside while Catherine and McGee watch from inside]

Catherine:
[to McGee] He's gonna get himself killed!

McGee:
[nervously] I think I may die of a heart attack first.

Delilah:
Think I've found something. So I was going through files on Wells' computer when I saw this on his web browser. [shows computer monitor with columns of numbers on it] I'm thinking it's some kind of code, unlike any I've ever seen.

Gibbs:
That's not code. That's football!

Abby:
[after telling Gibbs that she and Delilah broke the case] Don't thank me. This one is Delilah

Delilah:
Oh no no. It was nothing. All I did was break the code in the operating system

Abby:
Oh don't be so modest. Most people can't do that.

Delilah:
Yeah but it was your idea, Abby. I mean, without your-- [Gibbs impatiently slams the Caf-Pow onto the table]

[McGee's work station, including his desk, computer and chair, has been wrapped in plastic wrap]

Abby:
We're dealing with a sadistic evil genius.

[Tony arrives at work and cheerily enters the squad room]

McGee:
[notices Tony] I think you have that equation right?

Tony:
[catches sight of McGee's desk] OH! What have we here! about safe agent-ing seriously. [chuckles] That's a little overboard McRibbed.

McGee:
[unamused] You've had your fun Tony. Unwrap it.

Tony:
Oh. Gosh. I'm flattered. But unfortunately, that prophylaxis is not the work of yours truly.

Abby:
Then who's work is it?

Tony:
Who knows? The Great Pumpkin? Headless Horseman? Perhaps the Ghost of Halloween Past? Mike Franks? Possibilities are endless.

Tony:
[chuckles while watching McGee unwrap the plastic around his desk] Timmy, you fell prey to one of the oldest pranks in the book. Guess that's why the classics never go out of style.

McGee:
[sarcastically] Lack of imagination and individuality? Sounds like your MO.

Tony:
Don't be mad at me. I didn't do anything. You know what it is? You make yourself too easy of a target, McBullseye. You need to "keep movin'". Well, me? I like a challenge. Pullin' one over on Gibbs. That would be a feat for the ages.

McGee:
[eyeballs Tony in disbelief] What do have, a death wish??

Tony:
[impersonating Austin Powers] "I like to live dangerously."

Tony:
[discussing the suspect with McGee] We live in a strange world, McGee. I miss the days when computer nerds looked like you.

Agent Abigail Borin:
[Abby hugs her when Borin shows her a large cup of Caf-Pow] Oh...that is a lot of affection for some caffeine. Should come around more often.

Abby:
Yes. I agree with that 110%! Although that's not numerically possible. For emphasis it totally works.

Gibbs:
You ready to go? I'm driving.

Borin:
No. After everything's that happened, I think it's the best for everyone if I just pull out of the case. It's fine. Look, I'm gonna call headquarters, they're gonna send in another agent--

Gibbs:
No, Borin. I have it. My case, my call.

Borin:
[looks at Gibbs] You pulling rank on me, Gunny?

Gibbs:
A Marine leaves no man behind.

[Tony and McGee presented their prime suspect with evidence incriminating her]

Tony:
[to the suspect] Christmas came early this year for the FBI.

McGee:
[deadpan] Booyah.

Tony:
[looks at McGee] "Booyah"??? What is that?

Abby:
[notices Gibbs and Borin in her lab, excitedly] Gabbs! Gabbs Gabbs Gabbs!! [Gibbs and Borin look at her, amused] It saves time, you know....just go with it.

Gibbs:
When you left the Corps, was CGIS the change you were looking for?

Borin:
[shakes head] Not exactly. At least not at first. More like running away than a fresh start. [pauses] But eventually it became more....work started to mean something. I started to feel....

Gibbs:
A sense of purpose again?

Borin:
[smiles at Gibbs] You're good.

McGee:
What is with you lately?

Tony:
Me? [chuckles] Tim, you systematically eat my yogurt all week.

McGee:
Well, if you don't want me to eat then write your name on it.

Tony:
I shouldn't have to, Tim.

McGee:
You don't deserve yogurt, you know that? All you do is bash people: me, the suit guy, Jackson.

Tony:
[subtly sarcastically] Ok. I got it. Thanks for setting me straight. You are the wind beneath my wings. [drops a box onto McGee's desk]

McGee:
[eyes the box and then Tony] What is this?

Tony:
[grins] Oh, uh, case files from Metro. Other robberies in the area.

McGee:
Yeah, why are they on my desk?

Tony:
Uh, because I would like you to go through them and see if you can find any links to our homicide.

McGee:
[in disbelief] Are you taking point?

Tony:
I am.

McGee:
That's insane. There's only two of us here and Gibbs will be back in a few hours.

Tony:
Go through the files. Probie. [glares at McGee and walks away]

Sheriff:
[about having to suspend Jackson's license] It's never easy. I know what losing a license can do to a person.

Gibbs:
Well, if his eyes are that bad you didn't have a choice.

Sheriff:
I'm glad to hear you say that. Your father told me you were going to get me in my sleep!

Jackson:
No, that doesn't fly with me, Leroy. You say two words and you expect me to fill in the rest?

Tony:
[on the phone] Here's the thing. Just 'cause you can name all the parts inside a jet pack doesn't make you Einstein.

Gibbs:
Is there any right way to be a son?

Ducky:
Just as there is no right way for you to act as his father. The pain of watching a parent age is unlike any other.

Jackson:
The important thing was that we were both fliers. We were brothers up there. We were the same. We're all the same. We were fighting each other. [takes out the letter] Walter told me that he saved me that day because he wanted to remind himself who he was. He's dying and all he can see is the people he killed over ideas that weren't even his. He can't forgive himself.

Gibbs:
It's not an easy thing to do, Dad.

Jackson:
Walter, nothing can make up for the lives we took, we both know that. But what you did was more than you know. You made my boy possible, Walter. And he helps people, Walter, he's a good man. [to Gibbs] He's the best person I know.

Abby:
[to McGee after giving him a break in the case] Just because I make it look easy doesn't mean it is.

[Tony and Carrie Clark are walking out of the lift into the squad room]

Tony:
[breathes in deeply and sighs] You always smell so great.

Clark:
Let me guess, you missed the sexual harrassment meeting again this year.

Tony:
You notice anything different about Carrie, Boss? No wedding ring. Told you the husband was a handbag.

Ducky:
[looks at Tony, confused] Handbag?

Gibbs:
[as he leaves the squad room] Something useless you hang on your arm.

Ducky:
[chuckles] Oh.

McGee:
[annoyed] Do you have to know everything?

Tony:
Yes, it's in my DNA.

Tony:
What's so funny?

McGee:
That was Hollander in HR. She claims that she saw you this morning at the front gate getting off a city bus.

Tony:
Yeah, that was me. Listen I know I made fun of you in the past for riding the bus but I have to admit I was wrong. I've been using public transportation and I really like it.

McGee:
You're kidding.

Tony:
No, I have time to read, make some calls and best of all, get to watch people. People are fascinating.

McGee:
[bemused] Ok Tony. I'm---I don't even know what I am right know...but I know you and this is not you.

[Tony and McGee enter the squad room and watch on as HR officer Rhoda inundates NSA Agent Ellie Bishop in paperwork and forms.]

Tony:
[grimaces] Rhoda!

McGee:
Bishop's gonna be useless for the next week. [turns to Tony] Should we rescue her?

Tony:
No. If you can't handle Rhoda, Gibbs is gonna melt her brain.

Ellie Bishop:
[confused] What just happened? Did I do something wrong?

Tony:
No, you just passed your first test. Rhoda from HR. [whispers] Legendary.

McGee:
But don't get too kind. Still gotta take that polygraph.

Bishop:
I have to take another polygraph??!

Tony:
Uh-hmm. And then all you have to do is survive Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. In case you haven't heard the man--

Bishop:
[in a low voice] Is actually coming up behind you right now.

[Gibbs passes behind Tony and McGee and goes to his desk.]

McGee:
[glares at Bishop] You're not supposed to do that.

Bishop:
[crestfallen] What do I do now???

Tony:
[smirks] You've made a friend.

Ducky:
[enters crime scene with Palmer] It's been a brutal week. I have a chill I just can't shake.

Palmer:
Me too. Anybody mind if I do some jumping jacks?

Ducky & Gibbs:
Yes!

[Gibbs and Tony break into a hotel room with guns drawn to find Diane lying on the bed.]

Tony:
That's funny....[whispers to Gibbs] That looks like your ex-wife.

Fornell:
[walks out of the bathroom half-naked] Champagne first and then a little-- [catches sight of Gibbs and Tony]

[Gibbs and Tony stare intently at Fornell]

Fornell:
Well, tie me up and call me Loretta.

Gibbs:
[blinks] Wow.

Tony:
Wow.

Bishop:
So Agent Fornell was married to Gibbs' ex-wife?

Tony:
[grins] Yup.

Bishop:
And the owner of the second cellphone from our crime scene was dating Gibbs' ex-wife?

McGee:
Yup.

Bishop:
Phoah. That's quite a coincidence.

Tony:
[chuckles] I know. It really is.

[Unknown to Tony and McGee, Fornell just came out of the elevator into the squad room.]

McGee:
You know, it's hard to imagine the same woman liking Fornell and this Eddie guy. Although maybe Diane liked him because he's not Fornell.

Fornell:
Best to leave the psychoanalysis to Ducky. If you value breathing.

McGee:
[looks behind to Bishop] Bishop, you could've warned me.

Bishop:
[innocently] You said I wasn't supposed to do that!

Gibbs:
[walks in] Tobias, hey, what are you doing here?

Fornell:
Just thought you might need some help. Diane's really worried. Just want to put her mind at ease.

Gibbs:
[smirks] Yeah, huh.

Fornell:
You shot me in the caboose. You owe me.

Fornell:
I'm just sayin' that there's something different this time, maybe because we're ex's. [looks at Gibbs] You should try it. [awkwardly] I mean, with another one of your ex-wives...not this one 'cause...this one's taken.

Gibbs:
[getting out of Fornell's car] Can I go home now?

Fornell:
You are the worst advice-giver I've ever met! Don't quit your day job.

[Gibbs brings Fornell and Diane's daughter Emily into the squad room. Fornell is sitting at Gibbs' desk watching Diane confront Emily.]

Diane:
[furiously] Emily, do you have any idea what kind of trouble you are in, missy?!!

Emily:
Me??? You're the one who's ruining your life!

Diane:
I beg your pardon?

Emily:
[sarcastically] Uh, www [dot] youanddadsucktogether [dot] com? Or are you too desperate at this point to care?

Fornell:
[aside to Gibbs] Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, huh.

Diane:
How dare you talk to me like that!

Emily:
You and Dad speak to each other? All you guys do is fight!

Diane:
We do not fight! We are just very loud!!

[...]

[Abby walks to Gibbs' desk excitedly, unaware of Fornell's presence]

Abby:
I cracked the suspect's cellphone. There are boatloads of juicy texts on there from him to Fornell's ex-wife.

[Fornell looks at an embarrassed Diane]

Abby:
I mean, this stuff is kinkier than fifty shades of gray. You have got to come see this-- [catches sight of Fornell, Diane and Emily] Fornell, ex-wife, daughter. Oops.

[Fornell runs towards Abby's lab]

Diane:
[runs after Fornell] You get back here or I will smash every computer in that lab!!

Abby:
[runs after Fornell and Diane] Don't you touch my babies!!!

Emily:
[walks up to Gibbs at his desk] Can I apply for asylum?

[In Abby's lab. Tony is sitting at Abby's computer, not knowing that Fornell and Diane are behind him.]

Tony:
[grins] Heh. Abs, I hope you told Gibbs to come alone 'cause Fornell's head would explode if he saw these texts.

Fornell:
Better get a mop. [Tony's smile fades]

Diane:
Tony, if you value your life you'll turn off that computer right now!

Fornell:
Touch that CPU and I touch you!

Tony:
Can't hear you. I have a sinus infection. I have to go get my netty pot. [flees the scene]

Fornell:
[angrily to suspect] So sit down, you walking midlife crisis!

Fornell:
If you so much as touch a hair on my daughter's head, so help me God, I will find you and I will rip your eyes out of your face and shove them so far down your throat you'll need a proctologist to read the evening paper.

Ellie Bishop:
Are you ok, McGee?

McGee:
Was just thinking about little Emma here and the Dalys, they must be so happy

Bishop:
Yeah and I feel bad about scaring them the way I did.

McGee:
You still haven't gotten over that?

Bishop:
Well, like they didn't have enough on their plates without me suggesting a "targeted chemical attack".

Tony:
I've done worse. [Bishop looks at him] And McGee? [points to McGee] He's...remember the time with the-- [McGee looks at Tony] I'm not gonna talk about it but it's.....it's been done. You just have to move on. You made a mistake.

Bishop:
A big mistake.

Gibbs:
Learn from it. Move on.

[...]

Tony:
Leroy Ebenezer Gibbs, did we just agree on something?

Gibbs:
[deadpan, retorts] Hey! Bob Cratchit, find patient zero, huh?

Tony:
And a playful movie reference. It really is starting to feel like Christmas.

Palmer:
I'm so not having kids.

Abby:
Ok, Jimmy, that does it! [turns to Vance] Excuse us, Director, but something has gotten into Mr. Palmer and I would like to get it out now.

Vance:
Well, don't let me interfere. [walks to the back of the room]

Palmer:
Abby, listen--

Abby:
[cuts Palmer off] No! You listen. You know what's infectious during the holidays? Optimism! Optimism is infectious. Optimism and joy...and joy and....

Carol:
Kindness.

Abby:
Kindness.

Carol:
Courtesy

Abby:
And charity.

Carol:
Generosity.

Abby:
And gratitude.

Carol:
Selflessness.

Abby:
Compassion.

Carol:
Forgiveness.

Abby:
Forgiveness is huge.

Carol:
Kindness.

Palmer:
You already said kindness.

Carol:
I like kindness.

Abby:
And faith, Jimmy. Faith. Faith is infectious. Life isn't always perfect, you know? But sometimes things will work out for the best if you just have faith.

[Tony and Bishop are talking while Gibbs is canvassing the alley]

Bishop:
So we're looking for a bullet because....?

Tony:
Clipped a guy. Could have DNA on it.

Bishop:
Parsa's?

Tony:
No, driver.

Bishop:
Seriously??? How did you get that?

Tony:
Well, it's like Gorillas in the Mist. You'll come to understand his grunts.

Abby:
["talking" to the evidence] Really, Benham Parsa. You think you can just leave us a note and run away? I know. How about I write you a note? Dear Benham Parsa, you can kiss my-- [Gibbs walks in] Hey Gibbs. I have things to tell you!

Abby:
[hugs McGee] You're so...McHuggable.

[Dr. Rachel Cranston walks into the squad room and sees Bishop sitting on the file cabinet behind her desk]

Bishop:
Did you know the agent who sat here before?

Dr. Cranston:
[smiles and nods] I knew both of them.

Bishop:
Well, you don't have to tell me. It's pretty clear I'm looking at some gigantic shoes....unfillable.

Dr. Cranston:
True. But I think both women who sat there would say the same thing. When it comes to growing, there's no better place for a desk than next to these three. [glances at Gibbs, McGee and Tony's desks]

Tony & McGee:
Probie!!

McGee:
When we call, it usually means you come to us.

Bishop:
At first, "Probie" sounded endearing and cute. Doesn't anymore.

[...]

Bishop:
This is all part of the rookie hazing thing, huh?

Tony:
It's not hazing.

McGee:
It's part of the job.

[Tony, Bishop and Gibbs are looking at crime scene photos on the computer screen]

Tony:
But we did learn that in addition to dirt and tight spaces Bishop is also good with heights. [pulls up a picture of Bishop climbing up a ladder]

Bishop:
[annoyed] This is more "hazing", I take it.

Gibbs:
[matter-of-factly] Nope. It's all part of the job.

Palmer:
Our birth mother officially signed the adoption papers today. All she has to do now is have the kid. And not change her mind.

Ducky:
Oh...for heaven's sake.

Palmer:
I just jinxed it, didn't I.

Gibbs:
Ya think?

[Tony grimaces]

Palmer:
[laments] I always do this! I always say too much! [hurriedly knocks on wooden table three times]

[Inside Abby's lab/office]

Vincent Honeycutt:
[looks at Abby uncomfortably] Is there some place else I could wait?

Abby:
Do you mean there's some place else you could hide? [Honeycutt fidgets in his seat] No. You're gonna sit right there and you're gonna think about what you and your company have done.

Bishop:
Can I ask you a question?

Gibbs:
Uh-hmm. Just did.

Bishop:
You were a sniper. How did you do it?

Gibbs:
Pulled the trigger.

Bishop:
Right.... [pauses] But, what...what did you think about when you were taking aim?

Gibbs:
Smoke checking the target, Bishop.

Bishop:
Right, of course.

Delilah:
Hey, since you're all here, I would like to thank you for taking out that evil coward bastard Benham Parsa.

Tony:
[deadpan] You know, that was actually the name on the death certificate.

Gibbs:
What's on your mind?

DiNozzo Sr:
Junior and I have hit another rough patch.

Gibbs:
[chuckles] Ya think?

DiNozzo Sr:
You've been more of a father to him than I have in the last twelve years. He respects you.

Tony:
Wow. Such a shame. Vintage '62 Telecaster.

Gibbs:
[deadpan] Yeah. A real tragedy.

Tony:
Yeah, 'cause... [looks up to see Gibbs glaring at him; smile fades from his face] The dead people are ashamed too...it's just.... [looks at Gibbs sheepishly]

McGee:
[sees Ducky, Palmer and Bishop trying to secure the baby car seat in a car] How long have they been at it?

Abby:
[sighs] Like an hour. I heard Ducky cursed and...I mean, well, I think I did. I'm not that familiar with British profanity...

Tony:
[to Gibbs about a suspect's appearance] Check that out. Mel Gibson wants his hair back from Lethal Weapon.

[...]

Tony:
We should still arrest him for that hairdo.

Bishop:
Hey, what do you have against mullets?

Tony:
It's the whole decade I have trouble with. The 80's, couldn't end fast enough for me.

McGee:
[he and Gibbs find Tony in the equipment storage closet] Tony, What are you doing in the closet?

Tony:
[grins sheepishly] Finding myself.

[McGee and Tony are undercover as pest control specialists]

Landlord:
Is this about animal control?

McGee:
We're tracking a man who's selling illegal Mexican chinchillas. They breed with common house rats and their offspring are especially dangerous, violent. [Landlord looks mortified] Did he leave anything behind?

Landlord:
No...no, no...in fact he was the first tenant who actually cleared, left the whole place smelling like bleach.

McGee:
[looks at Tony] Bleach.

Landlord:
Does that mean somethin'???

McGee:
Dissolves chinchilla fur.

Landlord:
Ohhhh. You guys...you're not gonna tear up the floor or anything, right?

Tony:
[awkwardly] Oh...well...you hope not, but...sometimes...I mean...probably not.

Landlord:
I mean, it's not Taj Mahal but no reason to make it worse.

McGee:
I can't believe she convinced Gibbs to go along with this.

Tony:
Not an easy task.

Bishop:
You've heard of Amazon?

Gibbs:
Yeah, the big one.

Tony:
[to McGee about a suspect they're tailing] The Magilla Gorilla there? [...] [sighs] We're gonna have to catch that guy. We should've brought the elephant tranquilizer.

Partridge:
I see you were the A student.

Tony:
More like teacher's pet.

Tony:
You ever see Tango & Cash?

McGee:
It involve a conspiracy.

Tony:
Yes it did, and this is FUBAR.

Tony:
The punches were real.

Samson:
That's funny. I like you.

McGee:
Thanks to Jones, we're able to see local ISP access.

Abby:
And somewhere the head of Leroy Jethro Gibbs explodes.

Troutman:
Are there violent chinchilla babies here, too?

McGee:
They were here, but we got rid of them.

Delilah:
I know you and Tim are close.

Tony:
[deadpan] We have showered together.

Bishop:
So this is some sort of competition?

Tony:
No. Uh-uh. After McGee's recent emancipation from coupledom, we were talking making a fresh start.

McGee:
You know what's funny? Give your taste buds a breather, suddenly vegetables become a whole lot more tasty.

[Tony looks across and sees Bishop eating her bacon and egg roll]

Tony:
[sarcastically] Hilarious.

Bishop:
[after Tony notices McGee hasn't shaved] I think beards are sexy. [Tony gives her a funny look] Can an NCIS agent grow one?

Tony:
[to Bishop] Not you!

[...]

McGee:
I'm not growing a beard. [...] I went back to the doctor's this morning. She told me I have pseudofolliculitis.

Tony:
Is that a Mary Poppins song?

McGee:
[sympathetically to Abby] You can't solve everyone's problems. Some people have demons they have to overcome.

McGee:
An internet security seminar? You?? Am I being punk'd?

Tony:
No. Think about it. Who do you know that surfs more questionable websites than yours truly?

Bishop:
Not something to be proud of.

McGee:
You've a good point. That's what you get for being a misogynist. What do you get if you kick a dog? A trip to Hawaii?

Tony:
Death by Abby.

Ducky:
[to Tony] The French do see arrogance as a virtue so you'll be welcome there. But remember, in France, only tip 6%.

Abby:
Sometimes, I love my job. And sometimes, I have to crawl inside a giant septic tank.

Gibbs:
Well, it could be worse.

Abby:
How?

Gibbs:
I'd have to climb in there with you.

[In the autopsy room]

Ducky:
Your prognosis?

Palmer:
It's not good.

Ducky:
[sighs] I hate to lose a patient.

Palmer:
Wait, I think I've found the problem. Looks like the system drive is full. [camera shot reveals Ducky's smartphone on the autopsy table] How many apps did you install, Doctor?

Ducky:
[looks incredulously at Palmer] There's a limit??

Vance:
If it were up to Admiral Kendall, he'd authorize SEAL Team Six to exfil his daughter.

McGee:
There's enough eye candy in here to send you into a diabetic shock.

Tony:
[after apprehending a suspect nicknamed "The Snail"] Nice job, everybody. "The Snail" just became escargot. He's cooked.

Abby:
So what, McGee, you don't check your e-mail anymore?

McGee:
What? Did you send me something?

Abby:
Yes, a satellite image!

McGee:
[checks his e-mail] Abby, this e-mail just came through two minutes ago.

Tony:
Two minutes is two years in Abby time. You know that.

Cal:
Jackson Gibbs saved my life. I was headed down a bad road when he hired me. He said that, the world was bad enough as it is. You've got no right to...

Gibbs:
[smiles]] ...make it any worse.

Cal:
You know, no one ever cared enough to say stuff like that to me before.

[McGee and Bishop are in Abby's lab awaiting results]

Abby:
[gleefully] Hairs, hairs, hairs!

McGee:
[to Bishop] She really likes it when they're hairs.

Abby:
I do, because a hair is worth a thousand words.

Tony:
Ziva.

Ziva:
Don’t worry, Tony. We will be okay.

Officer:
Agent DiNozzo, if you’ll come with us, please.

Tony:
You guys selling timeshares?

Adam:
Hello, Tony.

Tony:
Adam. You make the big move from Shin Bet to Mossad or are you just here to say hi?

Adam:
You know why I’m here.

Tony:
Do I?

Orli:
Rest assured, Agent DiNozzo, we are all focused on one objective.

Tony:
What’s that?

Orli:
Find Ziva David.

Fornell:
You think you can buy me? [Gibbs laughs as he departs; Fornell looks back to his plate.] Oh, who'm I kidding? Of course you can.

Emily:
[to Tobias] And you! How could you do this to me?!

Fornell:
Honey, no one is doing anything to you. Your mother and I are just... wait a second. How do you know about... your mother and me?

Emily:
I know everything. I put a keystroke logger on both your Facebook accounts.

Diane:
You what?!

Fornell:
You need a warrant to do that!

Eddie:
Hello, Diane. I heard we broke up, sorry about that. Oh, by the way, I'm a Secret Service Agent.

Diane:
I heard. What's with the attitude?

Eddie:
Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's that you were sleeping with your ex-husband while we were dating.

Fornell:
[starting to restrain Eddie] Hey...! [stops, thinks, turns to Diane] Man has a point.

Diane:
[scoffs] Oh, you guys are buddies now?

Gibbs:
(deadpan) Yeah. We're thinking of starting a club.

Tony:
Missing driver, go.

Bishop:
He was a disgusting slob who lived in his truck. I found his dirty clothes, his dirty mattress, and his... dirty, dirty porn. This is all part of the rookie hazing thing, huh?

Tony:
It's not hazing.

McGee:
It's part of the job.

Tony:
Professor X... [with accents] Lieutenant Dan...! Dr. Strangelove!

Delilah:
Ah! How about Logan Cale? Jake Sully!

Tony:
The old lady from Titanic...

Gibbs:
Anything I can do?

Bishop:
Uh, it's pretty self-explanatory, really.

Gibbs:
Did you check to see if that little gizmo there is attached to that other giddy-bop?

Bishop:
Mmm. Not yet. You think that'll do it?

Gibbs:
If you spit on it. Sometimes that works.

Bishop:
All right.

Tony:
Oh, come on!

Vance:
Special Agent Barkley is sending additional manpower to Louisiana to assist. An interrogation expert, to be exact.

Pride:
Don't need one. Agent Lasalle and I can question suspects just fine.

Vance:
Recent flaws in your technique would suggest otherwise.

Pride:
I only punched that XO once.

Vance:
Once was enough.

Wade:
Pride. The damn FBI burst in here claiming McLane is solely their jurisdiction. They just carried him out of here like an overstuffed sack of potatoes.

Pride:
Who was it, Loretta?

Wade:
Agent Doyle and her flying monkeys.

Gibbs:
How's your love life, DiNozzo?

Tony:
Huh?

Gibbs:
You still seeing the secretary?

McGee:
He means Andrea.

Bishop:
Andrea. Hmm. Who's Andrea?

Tony:
Andrea. Oh yeah. Yeah. She's uh, I mean, it's kind of on an as-needed basis.

Pride:
Friends with benefits?

Gibbs:
Yeah well those aren't benefits like dental insurance.

Speakman:
Elected officials need to be strong. McLane was anything but.

Pride:
I think you're being a little disrespectful.

Speakman:
I think he deserved it.

Gibbs:
Uh oh.

Wade:
This town really gets into your DNA. I flew out here for a visit in 97. Still got the return ticket. I know folks die the same here as anywhere else, but in New Orleans, most people depart with a good heart and a whole lot of soul.

Brody:
You always start your mornings in a bar?

LaSalle:
This is New Orleans. Might be daylight but the evening's still young.

McGee:
It's a voodoo doll that looks just like you, right down to the insincere grin. What's the note say?

Tony:
Little Tony will bring you good luck and happiness. That's not funny. There's nothing funny about voodoo, ever since I saw "Live and Let Die" when I was a kid.

McGee:
It's a doll. It's a stuffed toy.

Tony:
So was Chucky.

Lamar:
Found your card. You're a long way from home, baby.

Brody:
How old are you?

Lamar:
Old enough to make a deal. These eyes don't lie. Something the other night woke me up.

LaSalle:
Yeah, what time was that? 7:00?

Lamar:
Shut up, tool. I look out the window. Girl that got in the car never got out.

Pride:
Somebody in there with her?

Lamar:
Yeah, but I can't recall what he look like. Maybe Andrew Jackson could help me remember.

Pride:
There's things you trust when you live in Louisiana. Trust the river will rise, people will rise to the occasion, no matter what the challenge. Trust the rain will never stop pouring, the drinks will never stop flowing and music will never stop playing. After all the hell you go through living here, you trust in God almighty, and you trust in friends and family. All those years, the man I call my brother was living a lie and I took it, hook line and sinker.

Gibbs:
You know the truth now.

[at Jackson's funeral]

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Thanks for making the trip, LJ.

Leroy Jethro Moore:
He was proud of you, Leroy.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Yeah, I was proud of him, too.