NCIS, Season 12

[Tony looks on as Bishop removes the mug shot of Benham Parsa from the "Most Wanted" wall]

Tony:
You're gonna keep it as a souvenir?

Bishop:
[looks at photo] Oh yeah. I've got the perfect place for it. [tosses it into the recycling bin]

[Victim's phone starts ringing]

Tony:
[answers] Hello....you first, who is this? [smirks] C'mon, stop being a wise-ass, who's this? [face turns serious] Uh, yes sir. Hold on a second. [to Gibbs] You'd better take this, boss. It's the President... of the United States... of America.

McGee:
You mind if we search it?

Dunn:
Yeah. Yeah, I do. I need probable cause. I don't think you meet that threshold.

McGee:
[looks at Gibbs in amusement] You a law student?

Dunn:
Criminology major

Gibbs:
Good. But today you're gonna get a practical education to see how the system really works firsthand.

[McGee's cellphone is ringing]

Tony:
[looks at phone] Delilah! A videochat!

[Tony grins as he answers the call, then...]

Tony:
[horrified] Oh my god, you're very naked!

[Delilah is heard screaming from the phone speaker]

Tony:
Uh, sorry! [turns off phone]

Gibbs:
[matter-of-factly] Teach you not to answer other people's phones, DiNozzo.

[Abby asked Tony and Bishop to do a background check on a park ranger from the previous episode]

Bishop:
We also have his yearly salaries, favorite bands and his political positions on everything from the Middle East to Middle-earth.

Tony:
Which he's a big fan of, by the way.

Abby:
I can handle Middle Earth.

Ducky:
All I'm saying is that you'd want to be evaluated for sleep apnea.

Bishop:
It's called snoring, ok? And you did your fair share while I was trying to sleep, too.

[Ducky's flashback to his time has a young medical doctor]

Girl:
[to Ducky] It's time to update your wardrobe. You're a medical doctor, not Doctor Who.

[Ducky's flashback]

Ducky:
[receives a phone call during his going-away party] Hello, this is Doctor Mallard... How on earth did that happen? [exasperated] How should I know? I'm a doctor, not a veterinarian, Mother...! Hello... hello? [hangs up; to his friends] Bloody corgis got into the liquor cabinet again!

Godfrey:
[sees Ducky brandishing a decades-old scalpel] And what are you gonna do with that? Give me a paper cut?

Ducky:
[nonchalantly] I doubt the blade is clean. Infections can be deadly.

Godfrey:
Give me that knife.

[Ducky cuts Godfrey's arm]

Godfrey:
[looks down at his arm] This was my favorite suit. I take it back. I'm going to take my time with you, too.

Ducky:
I can still save your life.

Godfrey:
[laughs] Oh, yeah?

Ducky:
There is still time.

Godfrey:
All mouth and no trousers, this one...

[Godfrey shakes his head, suddenly dizzy.]

Ducky:
You feeling light-headed? [shows the scalpel] I just nicked your brachial artery. You'll be dead in less than 90 seconds.

Maggie:
Why didn't you ever marry? You had so much love to give.

Ducky:
A colleague, a very good friend of mine, lost his soulmate. And then he nearly wrecked his life marrying the wrong woman over and over, trying to find her again. I...chose to skip that part.

Bishop:
[catches Tony and McGee reading a men's magazine] You don't have to change the subject. I'm not the sex police.

Tony:
How kind you are.

Bishop:
Um, hello? I'm married. I have more sex than the two of you combined.

Tony:
From what I hear, that's not how that works.

McGee:
I read somewhere that NASA's sending data to the moon at 662 megabits per second. Word is, if by using each color on the light spectrum, that transfer speed could be multiplied. [Dr. Havana stares at McGee] Johns Hopkins. And MIT.

Bishop:
Humblebrag.

Dr. Havana:
Don't worry, I'm a Caltech man. Sworn enemies don't get extra credit.

Bishop:
Aren't both of your mascots beavers?

[McGee and Dr. Havana stare at Bishop]

[The Secretary of the Navy is waiting for Gibbs and Vance in a basement men's restroom]

Secretary:
[looks at the row of urinals] How do you do it? It's like pigs at a trough.

Gibbs:
In some places it really is a trough, ma'am. [he and Vance look at each other] Fenway, Wrigley...

Vance:
Mm-hmm, mostly stadiums.

Agent Pendergrast:
[to the NCIS team] Call me Leia

Tony:
Like the princess.

Agent Pendergrast:
I hate Star Wars.

Tony:
[takes offense] Nobody hates Star Wars!

Agent Pendergrast:
[smirks] You do when you're named Leia, Agent DiNozzo.

Agent Pendergrast:
[to Gibbs] If half of what I heard about NCIS is true, you guys must have something the FBI doesn't.

Abby:
Who are you what are you doing here and who's the twenty-seventh President of the United States?

Tony:
[flirting with Agent Pendergrast] You know what "Tony" is spelled backwards? Y not?

McGee:
The trainee returns. How did it go?

Bishop:
[exhales] I don't want to talk about it.

McGee:
That good, huh?

Bishop:
I just spent the last hour on the choppiest helo ride of my life, clutching a dead body so it didn't shift, because the tie-down rings were loose. It was the high point of my morning.

Gibbs:
What's your name?

Petty Officer Felton:
Petty Officer Felton

Gibbs:
What's your first name?

PO Felton:
Patricia

Gibbs:
call you Patty?

[PO Felton groans]

Gibbs:
[grins] You hate being called Patty.

Bishop:
What'd we do...boss?

McGee:
Please stop calling me that.

Abigail Borin:
It's Hostage Negotiation 101, DiNozzo. Keep them stalled, keep them calm, keep them talking.

Tony:
[grins] Just like dating. [Borin glares at him]

Ducky:
[talking to the corpse in his autopsy room] I know in the end we all must die. I'm not a religious person but I find desecration of the human body to be positively indecent.

McGee:
[walks in holding coffee] Well, pirates aren't known for their decency, Duck.

Ducky:
[stares at McGee, speechless] Uh....

McGee:
Is something wrong?

Ducky:
No, Timothy, but I request that you dispense with the coffee before joining me.

Abby:
Gosh, I just got chills.

McGee:
Why is that?

Abby:
You're just....changing...right in front of our eyes. Your gruff manner, your clipped replies. You're no longer McGee. You're McGibbs.

Tony:
It's like Die Hard on a ship.

Tony:
Hey...still here, Borin? Admit it, I'm growing on you.

Borin:
Like a barnacle.

Tony:
35 seconds...running out of time, Boss.

Gibbs:
Jaime, you've got two choices. You drop the weapon and I diffuse the bomb. Or I shoot you and I diffuse the bomb.

[...]

Tony:
The bomb thing, that was kinda fun right. Next time, you might want to give us a heads up tough, because I didn't pack a diaper.

Tony:
[enters squad room and sees McGee working at his desk] Well, McGee, I just want you to know I'm proud of you. You didn't blow anything up and there were no international incidents.

Bishop:
It's not that I don't want to dress up, ok? It's....it's just that Jake and I can't agree on a costume.

Tony:
Phew...marriage. Here we go. [Bishop glares at him] Halloween used to be a single guy's paradise. Now it's been twisted and co-opted into some kind of couples thing.

Tony:
What can I say? Women find me alluring.

[The team are out under cover with Tony and Bishop posing as yoga practitioners]

Bishop:
Didn't know you practiced yoga.

Tony:
Oh yeah, balanced mind, balanced life. I've been reading Sting's biography. He's a Renaissance man.

McGee:
[via microphone] Please, I just ate.

Tony:
I reject your negative energy, McGee.

Ducky:
Today is a difficult day.

Bishop:
It is?

Palmer:
You've been training for nine months now. Nine months! Magical time frame isn't it? To think, in three months, Breena and I are gonna have our own little human [Ducky rolls his eyes] who hopefully enjoys long walks. [notices Bishop and Ducky] Sorry, this is about you.

Tony:
Money...the root of all evil.

Abby:
Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs! I have news, I have lots of news, I have big news.

Tony:
[about the cat he adopted] He's like the feline version of me.

McGee:
Abs, I have pulled two all-nighters in a row and I've nothing left to give.

Palmer:
[enters Abby's lab with two Caf-Pows] I have two things left to give and they're both Caf-Pows. [hands Abby and McGee the drinks] Pow! Pow!

Abby:
Jimmy, you are a lifesaver. [glares at McGee] You. Drink.

Price:
[while being handcuffed by Tony] It was self-defense. I wouldn't dare...I was just scaring him, he came at me. I'm telling you, it was self-defense.

Gibbs:
You gave him false hope. You murdered a United States Marine. There is no defense for that.

Bishop:
[to a woman looking at the snow outside the window] Pretty, isn't it?

Woman:
[turns to look at Bishop] Oh, yes dear. It's just lovely. [smiles at Bishop, who returns the smile] It's lovely how it turned a one-hour drive into three, soaked a brand new pair of my shoes right down to the toes. Simply spectacular.

Bishop:
Well, at least you'll be getting away from it for the holiday.

Woman:
I'm going to Calgary.

Tony:
Flight delays make nice people cranky and cranky people crankier.

[Ducky and Palmer walk into the hotel room (crime scene) covered in snow]

Ducky:
It ain't a fit night out for man nor beast.

Palmer:
And yet I'm the one who had to get out and push the van, Shakespeare.

Ducky:
That was W. C. Fields, Mr. Palmer, in The Fatal Glass of Beer. And I predict you will be pushing it again on the way back.

Jake:
Gees, when you're looking for bad guys––

Tony:
––they all look like bad guys.

[in an eerie reprise of Season 10's "Devil's Trifecta", McGee enters Gibbs's house and find him and Rebecca asleep on the couch, entwined (albeit fully clothed)]

McGee:
[whispering urgently] Boss? Boss!

Diane:
[entering] How long does it take to...? [sees] Holy Fourth of July Weenie Roast, WHAT THE HELL AM I LOOKING AT?!

[In a flashback to Tony's time at the Remington Military Academy in the 1980s]

Travis "Piggy" Phelps:
They're playing a movie tonight at Remsen Hall. Patton again. I could hold a couple seats for us.

Anthony DiNozzo, Jr.:
I'm good.

Phelps:
I don't mind. Front row goes fast.

DiNozzo:
Hey, Piggy, this isn't a movie. We're not gonna become unlikely friends. I just wanna be alone. [Goes back to dribbling the ball, then turns to Phelps] Alright, that was harsh. Tell you what; we can go to that movie if you want to. Cool?

Phelps:
Cool.

[Phelps leaves, and Tony continues shooting hoops. The lights in the basketball gym suddenly shut off.]

DiNozzo:
Hello? What the hell?

Mark Golan:
Cadet DiNozzo, you've been found guilty of breaking rules under the Code of Conduct. Your punishment will be delivered by Honor Corps.

DiNozzo:
I'm guessing you're the Honor Corps.

Golan:
You're ours for the night, DiNozzo. And we're gonna have fun.

DiNozzo:
Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and opt out.

[DiNozzo goes to leave, but Golan and the cadet to his right block the way.]

Golan:
No.

DiNozzo:
Alright. You really wanna do this? Huh?

Coach Gerald Tanner:
DiNozzo, where the hell have you been? Basketball practice started ten minutes ago down in the weight room- you're late! [Sternly, to Golan] You'll need to make do without him.

[Golan and the other four cadets with him leave the gym.]

DiNozzo:
Thanks, Coach Tanner.

Tanner:
Don't thank me yet. I've seen you shoot. You got talent. I meant it; you're officially on the basketball team. And officially ten minutes late. Twenty laps, DiNozzo.

Gibbs:
Make it count, skippy!

DiNozzo:
Thank you, boss!

Janitor:
[holding out a mop to his son] Your turn.

Son:
Dad, you know I'm just doing this until I finish school, right?

Janitor:
People call this kind of work "blue collar." I don't care what color your shirt is. You bring pride to the job, people notice. And even if they don't, you'll notice. Got it?

Son:
[smiles] Yes, sir.

Anthony DiNozzo, Sr.:
I feel terrible that you good people have to see me like this, but you know what a jackass love can be.

[In a video shot in Afghanistan; GySgt Wilks is driving a Humvee while Cpt. Landis rides in the front passenger seat.]

GySgt. Wilks:
Captain Landis, what day are we on?

Cpt. Landis:
Eighteen. Only 160 to go.

GySgt. Wilks:
How does it feel to be back?

Cpt. Landis:
My God! Like we never left. Home sweet home! [Suddenly alert] We got a contact ahead. Stop the Humvee!

[In the NCIS offices, as the remainder of the video plays]

GySgt. Wilks:
This is the first time Captain Landis and I met Qasim. We hit an IED during a patrol outside of Kabul.

[In the video, Qasim approaches the disabled Humvee and opens the front passenger door while Cpt. Landis and GySgt. Wilkes are unconscious.]

Qasim Naasir:
It is okay. You will be all right.

GySgt. Wilks:
He pulled us to safety, watched over us until our backup came. He saved our lives.

Tony:
When was this?

GySgt. Wilks:
November 2013. Landis tracked him down a few weeks later, asked Qasim to work alongside us as a translator for the remainder of our deployment.

Gibbs:
You ever doubt his intentions?

GySgt. Wilks:
Never. When you serve alongside someone, you get to know who they really are. Qasim put his life on the line for us every single day. He's family.

Qasim Naasir:
It's what we don't say that weighs the most.

[Tony and Bishop meet with arms dealer Agah Bayar.]

Bishop:
We need you to reach out to your contacts, and find out who's seeking these S-mines. We need locations on these people.

Agah Bayar:
Yes, well I did some research of my own, dear heart. And I know that you're after The Calling, and The Calling's after the children.

Tony:
That's right.

Agah Bayar:
[taps the folder Tony brought] My mother is flawed, but she's my own. And if you ever threaten her again, my response won't be civil. I'll help you. But your efforts were wasted. I would've helped you without payment and without blackmail.

Bishop:
Why?

Agah Bayar:
Women and children first. It was an absolute we could always agree upon. When babies are used in the wars of men... then God help us all.