NCIS, Season 14

FBI Special Agent Tobias Fornell:
I am in love with this new sofa. It's like being hugged by a microfiber cloud.

Gibbs:
I wouldn't know. I haven't been able to sit in it yet.

Alexandra Quinn:
[sarcastically claps] Gibbs, I came to offer my congratulations. Eight rejected agents in the last three months. That's a new record for you.

[The team are discussing missing undercover NCIS Agent Nick Torres]

Quinn:
I'm not surprised he ended up in undercover. He was unattached, he was persuasive, he was clever, a bit unstable.

Ellie Bishop:
You just described a sociopath.

Quinn:
Yeah, but only the good kind.

Bishop:
That's not a thing...

Bishop:
Torres spent eight years doing nothing but undercover work. Why?

Quinn:
Different strokes. He probably views a desk job as a fate worse than death. Me? I get my kicks screaming at probies.

Bishop:
Yeah, but Torres is in deep. Who knows what sort of things he had to do to maintain his cover? And then when the mission ends, he still has to carry that with him.

Quinn:
So do you, and Gibbs and McGee. Every action we take has a consequence.

[On Friday night, Bishop's watch beeps and she holds it up to McGee. They rush to pack up and leave.]

McGee:
We gotta go. Talk to you on Monday.

Torres:
Oh, you guys are late to spinning class or something?

Bishop:
Uh, no, Gibbs is famous for coming in just before the weekend starts and saying––

Gibbs:
[walks into the room] Grab your gear.

McGee:
[hopefully] That a well-timed illustration, boss?

Gibbs:
[ignores McGee] Got a death in Quantico.

Dr. Donald "Ducky" Mallard:
The teenage years are fraught with peril. The frontal cortex is responsible for self-regulation. It develops gradually over adolescence. Unfortunately, in some adults, well, it never occurs.

Ducky:
[talking over the body of Bruno, the suspect] In some ways, Bruno, I envy you. When I was a child, I often fancied living the life of a daring cat burglar. Fortunately for me, yeah, at age of nine, on my maiden voyage, I fell off our neighbor's roof, yeah. Landed on my coccyx. And that was the end of that.

Torres:
[looking at the photos of the suspects] Who are these people? Living double lives like this?

[Gibbs just looks at him.]

Torres:
I mean, yeah, I mean, I-I lived as someone else for most of the last decade, but I had an excuse. I was, uh, I was undercover. [indicates the photos] Which version is the real them?

Gibbs:
Which version is the real you?

Torres:
You're looking at it.

Gibbs:
Am I? You created all those covers. It wasn't random.

Torres:
[laughs] Wait, you're saying that a part of me wanted to be a, uh, mafia-tied, vegan juice-bar owner?

[Gibbs smirks in response.]

Torres:
[thinks and shrugs] Eh...

Ducky:
But why is Gibbs so doubtful it was a suicide?

Abby Sciuto:
Well, Sergeant Hill was seeing a shrink, who hinted that there might be something else, but ethically couldn't divulge anything else to him.

Jimmy Palmer:
He couldn't break her with his look? I'm intimidated by Gibbs.

Juan the parrot:
Gibbs! Gibbs!

Ducky:
Ah, you do talk!

Abby:
[sheepishly] Yep, and a little bit too much sometimes, huh?

[Gibbs catches Fornell looking at Hill's case file instead of resting.]

Gibbs:
What are you doing, Tobias? I hid this file.

Fornell:
Not very well. I'm bored.

Gibbs:
It's a classified government file.

Fornell:
I'm a classified government guy. Come on! Throw me a bone. Anything, will you? Let me help you. Can't watch another cooking show.

[Juan the parrot escapes from Abby's lab and flies across the squad room.]

Torres:
Wow. Juan flew over the cuckoo's nest.

[After interviewing a celebrity on board the aircraft carrier]

Gibbs:
You get more than fashion tips?

Quinn:
Yeah. Claustrophobia.

[Bishop enters the squadroom and is surprised to see Torres at McGee's desk, typing.]

Torres:
Hey, would you ask Superman to do your taxes?

Bishop:
Um..

Torres:
Or LeBron James to babysit your kid? Would you do that?

Bishop:
Yeah, I bet he's good with kids.

Torres:
You do understand my point, right?

Bishop:
No. Does it have something to do with why you're using McGee's computer?

Torres:
Yeah. He asked me to input the names from the ship's manifest into the system. So if anything pops up, then we get an alert.

Bishop:
Oh. That's a good idea.

Torres:
Yeah, it's a fantastic idea, except it's a mis-usage of my superpowers.

Bishop:
Which are...?

Torres:
Kicking down doors, breaking through windows. The tango.

McGee:
[about his email account issues] It's like it disappeared into the Bermuda Triangle of electronic transmissions.

Torres:
McGee, just turn it off and on; that's what I do.

Bishop:
[sees Quinn looking around the front flowerbed] So you're what-- gardening?

Quinn:
Nope. There's always a spare key. And it's never under the mat anymore, but it is here. I call it front-stoop fishing.

Victor Medina:
My mother always told me, never to take this country for granted. She said that home is a privilege. That's how I thought of it. That's how I still think of it.

Gibbs:
Hey, Marine. Semper Fi.

Victor Medina:
Semper Fi.

McGee:
(to a suspect nursing a gunshot wound) I know it was dark, but I'm pretty sure we met last night.

(while McGee talks with Delilah on the phone, and Torres coaches him with hand signals; all whispering)

Bishop:
What are you doing?

Torres:
Delilah shouldn't know.

Quinn:
What?

Torres:
They've been sleeping on a grave!

Quinn:
Yeah, and not just sleeping, that part we got. But what happened to, "you can't be lying, bro"?

Torres:
Well, this he can lie about.

Bishop:
Hypocrisy much?

Torres:
No, it's not hypocrisy. This is different.

Quinn:
It's so not different.

Torres:
Yes, it is different. He knew about a triple homicide before he moved in. This, he didn't know about.

Quinn:
And now that he knows, why shouldn't Delilah know?

Torres:
(finally letting out how freaked he is) Hell, nobody should know! I wish I didn't know!

Liberian Ambassador Gabriel Moore:
We are a nation of survivors. Slavery, civil wars. We strive for progress, but many are still poor, and cattle production is difficult and costly. Bushmeat has been a way of life for generations.

Leon Vance:
Which is why it can wipe out animal populations.

Gabriel Moore:
It is unsustainable, and a health risk. My government desperately tries to teach this to the public, but food is also a cultural touchstone. It is used for celebrations, weddings, christenings...

Leon Vance:
One more reason it's smuggled into our country. Old habits die hard.

[Moore looks at him quizzically.]

Leon Vance:
Sorry, that's another turn of phrase. It's difficult to change minds.

Gabriel Moore:
Even more so to change hearts.

Gabriel Moore:
Congratulations, Director.

Leon Vance:
The two smugglers gave up their airport contacts pretty fast.

Gabriel Moore:
Be assured my government is following up in Liberia. This will not end here.

Leon Vance:
The ball's in your court now.

Gabriel Moore:
That idiom I know.

Torres:
(emerges from the fitting room in his tuxedo) Yeah, baby! That's what I'm talking about! Please, no pictures... nah, go for it. (twirls)

Bishop:
Woof. (realizes) Was that out loud?

Quinn:
Mmm-hmm.

Bishop:
Mmm.

McGee:
Director Vance. You know, pre-wedding tension.

Leon Vance:
As someone who was also married to a strong, intelligent woman, may I give you some advice, Agent McGee?

McGee:
Don't blow it?

Leon Vance:
(solemnly) No: never take it for granted. Not for one second. (smiles) And don't blow it.