NewsRadio, Season 4

Joe:
I'm rewiring the phones for speed-dial, so like, if you have to call 911 you don't have to push a whole lot of buttons.

Bill:
What exactly do scissors help you be prepared for?

Mike:
In case I get arrested, to cut the handcuffs.

Bill:
Handcuffs are made of steel.

Mike:
So are scissors!!

[on making the station more productive]

Mr. James:
No, Plan A was a bust. I'd like you all to meet...Plan B.

Andrea:
Hi, everyone.

Matthew:
Planbee...what an interesting name...

Andrea:
Call me Andrea.

Matthew:
Nice to meet you, Andrea Planbee.

Mr. James:
Dave, please. You don't drop a piranha in a kiddie pool and then stick around to watch the bubbles.

Joe:
Did you commit any crimes that weren't SAT related?

Lisa:
I broke into a library.

Beth:
To vandalize it?

Lisa:
No, I had a big history test and the only copy of the Federalist Papers I had at home was abridged.

Matthew:
Dave, when am I getting my job back? 'Cuz, I am going stir crazy.

Dave:
You have to have patience, Matthew. I'm doing everything I can.

Matthew:
Well, I'm doing my part.

Dave:
I know. Unfortunately, that is precisely why you were fired in the first place.

Reporter:
What did you mean when you said, "Feel my scales donkey donkey donkey donkey donkey?"

Bill:
Is it getting chilly in here, or are you wearing an anatomically correct bra?

Mr. James:
I've got so many lawyers lined up to see me, you'd think I had tobacco leaking outta my breast implants.

Dave:
Hear me well! As of today a new Dave is born. A Dave who for lack of better words is...pure evil.

Joe:
Sexual harassment is no joke, sweet-cans.

Beth:
My mother always told me I had a beautiful singing voice.

Bill:
Well, my mother made me wear a dress 'til I was nine. They make mistakes!

Dave:
Bill, who is that man, and what the hell is he doing?

Bill:
Oh, Cadbury's my new manservant. Isn't that right, Cadbury?

Cadbury:
The master is correct.

Dave:
You hired a butler?

Bill:
I prefer the term "gentleman's gentleman".

Lisa:
Do you really think that Bill is going to spend three hours a day teaching his child the difference between integrated and non-integrated algebraic functions?!

Dave:
No, but raising children is about love. Didn't you have any love when you were growing up?

Lisa:
Yes, of course we had love, at very judiciously determined intervals. I'm sure Bill is just going to lavish it on them all the time!

Joe:
Dude, you can't adopt a baby.

Bill:
Why not?

Joe:
Actually I don't know why not, but there's gotta be some reason.

Bill:
Dave, there comes a time in every friendship when you have to say "I never liked you. Get lost."

Bill:
It's like my father used to say: "When I was a child, I thought as a child and spoke as a child. And when I became a man, I took that child out back and had him shot."

Dave:
Bill, was your father in the Khmer Rouge?

Bill:
Automotive sales.

Mr. James:
Spare me. If I believed in fairy tales I wouldn't have dropped out of kindergarten.

[Dave and Lisa are campaigning for the Program Manager's job, which neither one of them wants]

Bill:
I have a two-part question, chief. One, what does Lisa look like naked? And two, what does Lisa feel like naked? This question is for both candidates.

Dave:
I'll field this one. As a prospective news director, it would be improper for me to answer that question. But if the unthinkable was to happen and I was to lose this election, well, then I could answer that question in almost pornographic detail.

Bill:
[nodding, impressed] Good answer.

Matthew:
Dave, we have got to get rid of that security door.

Dave:
No, we don't.

Matthew:
Yes, we do. A little bird just flew into the glass and died.

Dave:
Really? [They go over to look.] Matthew, that's a Cornish game hen.

Matthew:
Doesn't it make you want to cry?

Dave:
You didn't even bother to defrost it.

Dave:
No, I am not paranoid, because I can say without a trace of irony...you're all out to get me.

Danny:
You know, when I first hooked up with Matthew I thought, "Hey, I want one of the little ones." But then as time went by and we got to know each other, I realized he needs just as much guidance, and love, and good old-fashioned big brothering as anyone else.

Lisa:
That's true. Which is sad. But still.

Dave:
I agree. I think something needs to happen to relieve Matthew of this responsibility.

Joe:
You want me to kill him?

Dave:
No, I think that if something were to happen to the car the investigation might not be that aggressive.

Beth:
But, Mr. James, what if you're fatally injured, or even killed?

Mr. James:
Well, then let them say this about me, "He died with his balloon on."

Mr. James:
Dave, please, I don't think now's the best time to regale you with stories of my world famous root beer jacuzzi.

Matthew:
[singing] Ted... He's dead... And the hobbits and the gnomes, they're dancing to and fro. They have to keep the plus 2 sword from the chaotic evil thief lord. Now we're rocking, now we're really rocking!

Mr. James:
Dave, what do you say we hire someone to work at the station for no money?

Dave:
Ah, so you're considering hiring an intern?

Mr. James:
Well, I was hoping we could call him a "Jimmy James Rockin' Ranger", but I guess "intern" has a ring to it too.

Dave:
This wouldn't happen to be one of your weird nephews, would it?

Mr. James:
No, no, no. This is one of my normal nephews.

Dave:
[groans]

Mr. James:
I'm serious, Dave. This kid's so normal he makes Richie Cunningham look like a crack smoking porn freak.

Dave:
Bill, this is not a frat house. We do not haze the interns.

Bill:
Come on, all the top companies are hazing new employees!

Lisa:
Bill, that's a lie.

Bill:
Read the papers. Corporate America is finally waking up to what fraternities and biker gangs have known for years. Hazing works!

Dave:
Bill, is your life so boring that you have to fantasize about imaginary love triangles you're not even a part of?

Bill:
Yes.

Kid:
Why does a radio station have a sheriff?

Lisa:
Sorry I'm late. The chambermaid couldn't get my corset laced.

Matthew:
Yeah, I've been there.

Lisa:
You don't wear a corset, Matthew.

Matthew:
Not anymore, I'll tell you that much.

Dave:
There are things in this life worth living for.

Lisa:
Like love?

Dave:
I was talking about coffee. By the way, do you have any?

Lisa:
Love?

Dave:
No. Coffee.

Lisa:
No.

Dave:
Well, then what's the point? [drowns himself]

Dave:
What kind of job are you lined up for, anyway?

Bill:
I'm working on an act.

Dave:
I thought your whole life was an act.

Dave:
Why is it that everyone's solution to everything around here is some sort of covert plan?

Joe:
That's a secret.

Dave:
[about Bill] Oh God, I have created a monster.

Catherine:
No, he was already a monster. You just made him a very popular monster.

Matthew:
Why did we go to Hawaii together?

Lisa:
That was a dream.

Matthew:
Oh... Wait a minute, I'm pretty sure it wasn't.

Lisa:
All right then. How was it?

Matthew:
Not that good, actually.

Lisa:
I'm sorry.

Beth:
Desperate phone call: great idea. My ex-boyfriends did it to me all the time.

Lisa:
Does it work?

Beth:
They usually end up stalking me, so if you're lucky, Catherine might come to your fire escape tonight.

Mr. James:
So, Lisa, are you going to wow us tonight?

Lisa:
If I have to, sir.

Mr. James:
So what do you do? Gymnastics? Flaming baton twirling?

Lisa:
Without mechanical help of any kind, I can solve any complex mathematical equation suggested by the audience.

Mr. James:
That's great, if you go out nude and leave out the math part.

Mr. James:
See, Dave and I, we could talk about... guy stuff.

Lisa:
Guy stuff? I can do that.

Mr. James:
No...

Lisa:
Yes, I can, try me.

Mr. James:
You think?

Lisa:
Yes.

[pause]

Mr. James:
That Lisa's sure got some cute ass, huh?

Dave:
When did you get the piano in here?

Bill:
Over lunch. I find that I do my best work behind the piano, like Beethoven.

Dave:
Or Steve Allen.

Joe:
Bottom line, the workers just want a bigger part of the profit sharing program.

Mr. James:
How much do they have now?

Joe:
None.

Mr. James:
So, I guess they just want some.

Joe:
Yeah.

Mr. James:
Will you fix my glasses?

Joe:
Sure.

Mr. James:
Nice doing business with you.

Bill:
[to Mr. James] You don't recognize you own phone number?

Dave:
He changes it every week.

Bill:
Why do you do that?

Mr. James:
Security.

Joe:
Big Brother?

Mr. James:
My whole damn family, actually.

Bill:
I took Lisa out to lunch.

Dave:
Did you?

Bill:
It was a lot more than lunch. A lot more.

Dave:
Wait a minute. You and Lisa didn't have... coffee, did you?

Bill:
Yes, coffee... In bed... After we did it.

Dave:
Bill, you and Lisa did not do it. And while I applaud your misguided efforts to make me jealous, I have work to do. So... leave.

Bill:
I don't care about making you jealous. I just care about pleasing your woman.

Dave:
Lisa is not "my woman".

Bill:
And how!

Bill:
Jim, a practical question at this juncture, if I may?

Mr. James:
Go ahead.

Bill:
Thank you. Hasn't this been done before? I mean, it seems like every year another billionaire is trying to fly around the world in a balloon.

Mr. James:
Well, why the hell do you think I'm doing this? I mean, the peer pressure among billionaires is incredibly intense. Bill Gates practically called me a nancy boy.

Lisa:
Did you get upset when that sweet 18-year-old kid in accounting had that crush on you?

Dave:
Oh, that was different.

Lisa:
Why?

Dave:
Well, for one thing, he was a guy. And he was convinced I was gay. And he brought his mother to work and introduced me as his boss-slash-husband.

Lisa:
It was still flattering, wasn't it?

Dave:
Oh, lord, yes.

Lisa:
I'm a woman, right?

Dave:
Last time I checked. Granted, that was over three months ago, so...

Mr. James:
Dave, we have a little problem on the souvenir shop.

Dave:
What is it? Bad batch of Ye Old-Fashioned Radio Fudge?

Dave:
Matthew, you're not going to find any icebergs with your nose buried in that nefarious scandal sheet.

Matthew:
Aw, gee whiz!

Dave:
Matthew! What have I told you about swearing on this vessel? I will not have it.

Matthew:
Darn.

Dave:
Matthew!

Matthew:
Shucks!

Dave:
Well, I never!

Bill:
Hold that boat! I've got a heart condition... and I'm a woman!

Jimmy:
Whoa! That's a big-ass old iceberg, isn't it?