Night Court, Season 2

Harry:
What's next, Mac?

Mac:
Do the words "chow down" ring a bell, sir?

Dan:
Your honor, we are starving. Please call a dinner break.

Bull:
Sir, you can't ignore your dinner date forever.

Harry:
Hey, one more case. We'll work up an appetite.

Mac:
That's what you said an hour ago, sir. And mine's worked up real nice, I mean it's ready for something raw.

Dan:
Your Honor, if we do not eat, we will grow weak and then die on your floor.

Harry:
…Next case, Mac?

Mac:
…Anita Fries VS Arnold Burger, your honor.

Harry:
Bull, call them in.

Bull:
Burger and Fries, please. [A hooker and a man with his hand over his eye walk in]

Dan:
Anita Fries, your honor. She's charged with solicitation, prostitution, [Pulls man's arm away to reveal a black eye] and assault.

Harry:
In the interest of time, let's try and keep out the insignificant details. Specifically the graphic ones.

Arnold Burger:
She took my money, and she won't give it back.

Anita Fries:
I have a strict no-refund policy.

Dan:
Your honor, apparently Ms. Fries provided neither…"goods nor services".

Billie:
He's a pervert.

Dan:
Oh, come on. One little comment does not make me a…

Harry:
Mr. Prosecutor, I believe she was referring to your client.

Billie:
Your honor, my client would like to show the demands made by Mr. Burger. [Hands him a piece of paper]

Harry:
This is a shopping list.

Anita Fries:
This sicko gets his kicks off of food. He gives me fifty bucks, and tells me to spend it on ice cream, whipped cream, sprinkles, and cherries.

Arnold Burger:
They're in season.

Anita Fries:
You want to hear what he wanted me to do with this stuff?

Harry:
No, I don't.

Anita:
He wanted me to smear it…

Harry:
All right. One hour meal break.

Ralph Kremsky:
Do not take His name in vain, and do not lay down with beasts.

Dan:
We only had drinks!

Jack Sullivan:
Hey, judge!

Harry:
Yeah?

Jack Sullivan:
You're scum!

Harry:
Mister, I was patient before, now I'm giving you one more chance to get a grip on yourself.

Jack Sullivan:
I hate your filthy, rotten, stinking, slime-soaked guts!

Harry:
Okay. (bangs gavel) Contempt of court.

Miles Seaver:
When I found Velma, she was an emotional wreck!

Harry:
Sudden fame, instant money. We've seen it a thousand times before, haven't we, Mr. Blair?

Roger Blair:
It killed Morris.

Miles Seaver:
No! You can't put a price on love!

Selma:
[to Bull] He must be from out of town.

Billie:
I know you don't agree with me, but...

Harry:
I agree with you.

Billie:
I don't expect you to... You agree with me?

Harry:
Sure. I probably would have done the same thing.

Billie:
[muttering] They told me you were nuts.

Harry:
Beg pardon?

Billie:
I... if you agree with me, why am I in jail?

Harry:
Call it a whim. I have this thing about upholding the law. Billie, what you did was noble, it really was, and as a person I can admire it.

Billie:
But as a judge?

Harry:
Cough up the cat.

Harry:
Bull, you look depressed.

Bull:
I am. My word of the month is so obscure I can't find an opportunity to use it in conversation.

Harry:
What word is that?

Bull:
"Pentimento."

Harry:
[after a beat, turns to Dan] So how about that Jets game last night, huh?

Billie:
Bull, what exactly does pentimento mean?

Bull:
It's an artistic term, referring to the reappearance of original elements that had been obliterated by a new outer appearance.

Dan:
You mean like that little brown shadow on top of your head that you affectionately refer to as hair?

Bull:
Good example!

Al Craven:
Knock knock!

Harry:
You caught me at a bad time, Craven - I'm here.

Al Craven:
Oh, that's funny, that's very good.

Harry:
I'm surprised that scandal sheet you write for is still in business.

Al Craven:
Are you kidding? Misery is a moneymaker! [laughs] Hey, did you read my story last week? "Family In Hackensack Barbecues Brother!"

Harry:
I don't read the Food section.

Al Craven:
Aw, come on, Your Honor, there must be a story. Little sex, little violence, that's all I'm looking for!

Harry:
Bad timing, Craven. Nothing bloodcurdling on the docket tonight.

Al Craven:
Ah, what a world. I mean, people have knives. Why don't they use them?

Dan:
Mr. Hubbell was on his way to a seminar on subway hospitality, when he was mugged outside of City Hall.

Arthur Hubble:
They took everything. My wallet, my keys, my cash...

Billie:
And after pleading with several passer-bys for bus fare, Mr. Hubbell attempted to panhandle from a group of Japanese tourists. They turned him down.

Harry:
And?

Dan:
He mugged them. Your Honor, the state wishes to submit evidence. We have affidavits from the victims, some shredded yen, and over seventy action-packed photographs of the incident.

Judge Martin A. Landis:
Judge Stone, will you be represented by counsel?

Harry:
I will be representing myself, Your Honor.

Judge Martin A. Landis:
"He who represents himself has a fool for a client." Who said that?

Judge Robert Willard:
Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Judge Martin A. Landis:
Who cares?

Judge Martin A. Landis:
You a Shriner, Stone?

Harry:
No, I picked that up at the Goodwill in the Village.

Judge Martin A. Landis:
That's where I got my Captain Video helmet!

Harry:
You got a Captain Video helmet?

Judge Martin A. Landis:
You didn't invent whimsy, you know. I'm not senile, Stone, I've been like this for fifty years. So even if I do become senile, people will never know. Come to think of it, I won't know either, will I?

Harry:
Listen, Judge Landis...

Judge Martin A. Landis:
Shut up, I'm old, I can talk as long as I want.

Dan:
Objection!

Harry:
Overruled.

Dan:
Exception!

Harry:
Noted.

Dan:
Frustration!

Harry:
Vented.

Harry:
Come on, guys. No reason not to try something just because it's new, right? Oh, I can't believe what chickens you guys are. Come on, food is not just something to eat, it's something to... [snaps fingers] celebrate!

Bull:
[hands him a fork] Have a ball.

Doctor:
This doesn't sound like a simple case of indigestion to me. In my opinion, you should see a doctor right away.

Billie:
[confused] Well, you're a doctor, aren't you?

Doctor:
Gynecologist. [Dan bursts out laughing.] Come on, you people are lucky I happened to be eating in that place.

Harry:
Well, I appreciate the help, Doc, but you're a little out of your league, aren't you?

Dan:
Let's just say his league has a lower strike zone. [laughs] I'm sorry, it was so easy.

Doctor:
How often do you get these pains, Judge?

Harry:
Oh, every now and then.

Doctor:
Once a week, once a day...?

Dan:
You ought to let him know when they're five minutes apart, Harry. [laughs] This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!

Dan:
We of the warm-blooded variety feel an adjournment is in order.

Harry:
You mean shut down?

[Dan nods; Harry looks at Mac, who also nods]

Harry:
Nah!

Dan:
You've got about seventeen layers of clothes on under that robe, haven't you, sir?

Harry:
It's good to be the king.

Dan:
It seems as though that Mr. Sleighbough tried to take advantage of his "condition" by robbing a fifth story Park Avenue apartment in the middle of the afternoon.

Sleighbough:
Yeah, it's perfect for me! See, I can slip in and out, completely unnoticed.

Dan:
Except for the several hundred people who saw you inching along the ledge.

Sleighbough:
Ah, that was probably a fluke. See, they probably used some kind of heat-sensing device.

Dan:
Yes. It's called sunlight.

Harry:
Mr. Sleighbough, when did you first discover you had this talent to become invisible?

Sleighbough:
Well, it came on sort of gradually. See, at first, I was just boring. But then, I became inconspicuous.

Harry:
Oh.

Sleighbough:
Yeah, you know, like I'd be waiting in a doctor's office, or restaurant, or a barber shop, you know, whatever? And finally they'd say, "oh, I didn't see you there!" That's when it first began to take hold.

Harry:
And now?

Sleighbough:
I'm fully invisible! Yeah, I can be standing on the corner, yelling and waving my arms, cabbies are going right by and never even notice me!

Harry:
In New York City, imagine that.

[Billie brings Harry back to her apartment for a nightcap.]

Mrs. Grinsky:
Who's that, dear?

Mr. Grinsky:
Oh, it's just the lawyer and her man of the week.

Billie:
(fakes a laugh) "Man of the week." Is he a card or what?

Dan:
[about his parents] Those people represent everything I have fought to get away from my entire life.

Harry:
Dan, they can't be that bad.

Dan:
My God, Harry! They're Democrats!

Harry:
...I stand corrected.

[watching Dan apologize humbly to his parents]

Billie:
Did you hit him?

Harry:
I think he hit himself.

Billie:
Oh, as long as somebody did.

Harry:
Arnold? (Arnold turns) You would have been a good judge.

Arnold:
(beams) I was a good judge.

Bull:
[quitting his job as a pro wrestler] Promise me if I ever do anything stupid like this again, give me a good smack!

Dan:
[who's just lost a fortune betting on Bull] I promise.

[Dan comes down the hallway and sees Bull reading a magazine, "Amateur Parachuting." Dan takes it away, rolls it up, and smacks Bull on the head... then goes berserk and swats Bull all over with it, before calming down and handing it back.]

Bull:
Thank you.

Dan:
My pleasure.

Harry:
Pardon the presumption, but I'm getting the impression that you two lived through sixty-five years of marital...

Mr. Sheldon:
Agony.

Harry:
Thanks. Why?

Mrs. Sheldon:
We're just waiting for the children to die.

Mr. Sheldon:
Not that we want them to die, of course...

Harry:
Of course.

Mrs. Sheldon:
It's just that divorce can be so damaging. We were only thinking of the boys.

Harry:
The boys?

Mr. Sheldon:
Little Freddie will be sixty-four in April.

Mrs. Sheldon:
And the baby just retired.

[Billie refuses to believe that Dan honestly loves his heiress fiancee.]

Dan Fielding:
You know that crazy stuff that we all carry around inside of us? That stuff that eats little holes in your brain and churns at your insides? That stuff that you know you cannot possibly tell another living human being. [pause] I can tell her. And she listens, and she understands. And she says, "It's alright." [repeats for emphasis] "It's alright." [sighs] ...and, it is. Poof! Just like your magic, Harry! She makes my problems disappear! My anxieties subside. God's in His Heaven, and all is right in the world. There's nowhere to go but up! Look for the silver lining; don't give up the ship! And I'll be damned if that's not what each and every one of us is looking for. And I happened to find mine, so the best of luck to the rest of you. Ladies and gentlemen, a small peek into the guts of Dan Fielding: no cover, no minimum.

[Quon Le was arrested for sharing a house with a group of prostitutes.]

Billie:
[trying to explain Mac and Quon Le's relationship] Mac was just temporarily acting in the role of spouse.

Tawny La Belle:
Well, hey, that's all we were doing, and we got busted for it!

Bull:
[about the Soviet Union] It's really that bad back there?

Yakov Korolenko:
You ever been to Milwaukee?

Bull:
Yeah.

Yakov Korolenko:
Well, close your eyes. Please? [Bull does] When you open your eyes, you're going to be in the middle of Milwaukee. No matter where you go, you walk, run, or fly, you're always going to be in the middle of Milwaukee. You can grab a a car, and drive two thousand miles away, you're still going to be in the middle of...

Bull:
[clutching his head] NO! STOP, STOP IT! [rushes away]

Yakov Korolenko:
[to his brother] Works every time.

[after speaking with his wife on the telephone, Glasscock admits that she is a bad patient]

Mr. Glasscock:
Women... can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

Nikolai Karpov:
I have been "without" for two months. Even the dancing bear started to look good.

[The two sit stolidly for a few moments. Then they start to chuckle, and finally fall over each other laughing.]

Dan Fielding:
Oh, you think Santa and the elves are friends?

Abby:
Santa, we have a special guest. We wouldn't want to spoil anything for her on the most magical night of the year.

Dan Fielding:
Well, it's gonna sound a lot like the song "Tequila" by The Champs.

Dan Fielding:
Hello, Roz.

Roz:
I worked in the court long enough to know. It's illegal to destroy evidence.

Dan Fielding:
It's good to see you, Roz.

Roz:
You too, Fielding.

Abby:
Where is my gavel?

Abby:
It's not so bad. We're making it work.

Dan Fielding:
I'm not gonna fight.

Dan Fielding:
You don't get to say what's cool.

Abby:
Don't listen to him. You're gonna love it here.

Donna Gurgs:
Yo! Where did that box of bees come from?! I counted 10, 20, 25, 30!

Abby:
Do I hear 40? 40 bees!

[A swarm of bees are flying around the courtroom.]

Dan Fielding:
Would you stop that, please?!

Wyatt Shaw:
Hey, everyone!

Olivia:
You will never guess who is here.

Abby:
$7.00 and time served.

Abby:
Heather, so glad you're here! Take 5, everybody.

Dan Fielding:
(echoing) C-o-n-n-n-n-n-n-n!

[final lines]

Wyatt Shaw:
I'm standing right here.

Abby:
I'm sorry you're sad.

Wyatt Shaw:
I'm in the show!

Donna Gurgs:
Camouflage!

Abby:
Another early one. All thanks to Wyatt!

Wyatt Shaw:
So I've heard.

Abby:
Maybe work in a lag day.

Dan Fielding:
Which briefcase should I buy?

Abby:
I'm sorry for bursting your bubble.

[A thunder crash sound effect is heard.]

Wyatt Shaw:
Okay, that was inside thunder.

Donna Gurgs:
It's gonna be a fun night.

Abby:
We have tickets to the Rangers game.

Abby:
I really like him. And he's just a duke.

Dan Fielding:
Trust me, it's not just the waiters.

Abby:
And who are the tenants?