Night Court, Season 4

Bull:
This is Rozalind Russell.

Dan:
Hello! I'm Mr. Ed!

Harry:
Rozalind Russell, that's a neat name.

Roz:
My mother was a show business freak.

Harry:
Ah.

Roz:
I do consider myself more fortunate than my sister, Zsa Zsa.

Christine:
Oh, the poor thing.

Roz:
That's what my brother says.

Harry:
Your brother...?

Roz:
Slappy.

[a few minutes later, when Harry receives his mother's letter]

Bull:
Harry's mother left him when he was a child. He hasn't seen her in thirty years.

Roz:
My brother hasn't seen my mother in thirty years.

Bull:
Your brother...?

Roz:
Topo Gigio.

Buddy:
[about Harry's mother] Harry, she went into a psychiatric institution after she left you. That's where we met.

Harry:
I'm gonna go out on a limb here... you weren't on the staff, were you?

[Buddy grins and shakes his head]

Buddy:
But I'm feeling much better now.

Harry:
He saved Christine?

Bull:
It's true. If Dan hadn't been carrying this card, she wouldn't be with us today.

Harry:
[reads card] "Wanda's Whip Emporium"?

Dan:
The other side.

Harry:
Oh. [reads] "Step 1, give a swift blow to the victim's back to clear air passage. Step 2, clear the mouth of any foreign objects."

Mac:
"Step 3, loosen constrictive clothing."

[Christine looks beneath the trench coat she's wearing, and shrieks. Dan pulls her undergarments out of his pocket.]

Dan:
Better to be safe than sorry.

Dan:
You know, this could be the greatest night of my life...

Hotel Manager:
Mmm.

Christine:
[storms into the room] Okay, I want this over with before I vomit!

[She disappears into the bathroom.]

Hotel Manager:
[leaving] Let the good times roll.

Dan:
[runs to the bench] Your Honor, a sudden emergency has occurred, and forces me to ask for a recess.

Harry:
[not looking up] Sex or money, Dan?

Dan:
[feigning offense] Oh, I'm hurt! Oh, I'm offended! I mean, did it ever occur to you that I could be in pain, could be in the throes of some personal tragedy?

[Harry gives him a look]

Dan:
Sex.

[after Bull has an emergency]

Harry:
Well, under the circumstances, I guess it would be appropriate to call...

Dan:
Yes?

Harry:
A short...

Dan:
Yes.

Harry:
Recess.

Dan:
YES!

Dan:
I'm quite all right, I don't need this ridiculous operation!

Dr. Flick:
What are you going to say when your ulcer perforates and you start hemorrhaging?

[Dan lies back in bed and gurgles sarcastically.]

Morgue Attendant:
[rolling a gurney in] I'm here to take Dan Fielding to the morgue.

[Everyone tells him there must be some mistake.]

Christine:
He's just here for a minor operation.

Morgue Attendant:
[smiles] I'll check back later.

Dan:
Yeah, over my dead body.

Morgue Attendant:
It's a date!

Dan:
Yes, and please give my regards to the lovely Mrs. Dracula.

Christine:
Sir, would you please tell him that I am not a pervert?

Harry:
[starts to speak, but turns back] How exactly are we defining pervert?

Christine:
Sir!

Morgue Attendant:
Look, folks, "pervert, prude," it's not my job to label people. Wait a minute... [pulls out toe-tag] I guess it is! [laughs]

Dan:
I don't have a life, Harry. I have a lifestyle. Do you know how many women I have slept with?

Harry:
It doesn't matter how many women you've slept with! [pause] More than a hundred?

Dan:
You know the slogan under the Golden Arches? "Over four billion served"? Let's just say I'm competitive.

[the defendants are an elderly couple who have been disturbing the police by having sex in their own apartment, very often, and very loudly]

Judge Mike Watson:
I don't mean to pry, Mr. MacNulty, but why are you so loud during these romantic interludes?

Mr. MacNulty:
[cupping a hand to his ear] What?

Dan:
...And when the police arrived, Mr. MacNulty attacked the arresting officers.

Christine:
He was merely protecting his wife!

Dan:
Burn this image in your mind, sir: this man, standing stark naked, swinging a baseball bat.

Mrs. MacNulty:
My Louisville slugger.

Mr. MacNulty:
[tilting his head] What?

Dan:
SHE SAID SHE LIKES YOUR BAT!

Judge Eve Gardner:
[on Dan] Is he always such a boot-licker?

Mac:
Shine-O is Dan's favorite flavor.

Harry:
So you really believe you're responsible for everything that happens in the next year?

"1987":
I'm gonna make NBC the number-one network again!

Harry:
[bangs gavel] Held over for a psychiatric evaluation.

Lieutenant Gerard:
Say, Judge, stop by the prison any time. I'd love to...

Harry:
Drop me in the hole with a psycho killer for about an hour?

Lieutenant Gerard:
Is Thursday good for you?

[Harry lifts his hand and fire flashes between his fingers. Gerard takes a step back.]

Harry:
Fine.

Dan:
[enters courtroom angrily] You don't know what you're talking about, lady!

Alice Beeker:
Please, Mr. Fielding, it happens to a lot of men.

Dan:
Not to me, it doesn't!

Christine:
Dan, what happened?

Dan:
They rejected me.

Alice Beeker:
Many are called, but few are frozen.

Christine:
They rejected you? Why?

Alice Beeker:
His sperm is slow and immature.

Christine:
[fighting not to laugh] Oh... I'm so sorry I asked.

Dan:
That's great. Why don't you just go ahead and tell the whole world while you're at it?

Bull:
[excitedly] I'll start with the cafeteria! [runs out of the courtroom]

Harry:
Miss Beeker, is this something abnormal?

Alice Beeker:
Oh, not at all. He just doesn't fit within our semen parameters.

Harry:
Which are?

Alice Beeker:
Sixty million per cc.

Dan:
I demand a recount!

Alice Beeker:
You know Mr. Fielding your problem could be attributed to fatigue. How recent was your last sexual encounter?

Dan:
...What time is it now?

Alice Beeker:
It would be no problem to retest you. But to be sure we have an accurate result I suggest you abstain for two weeks.

Harry:
...From sex?

Christine:
...Dan?

Mac:
I got twenty, says he doesn't make it back to his car.

Dan:
I haven't had sex in two weeks. It's 3:00 in the morning, and I don't have a date...

[He begins looking obsessively around the cafeteria.]

Roz:
Run for your lives, girls!

[All females flee the cafeteria. Dan still looks around obsessively.]

Harry:
Better safe than sorry, guys!

[All males flee.]

Lorna Huebner:
Your Honor, my father's dying words were, "No matter what, don't make me go with Arlene."

Arlene Huebner:
Why, you lying...!

Harry:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! "Dying words"? Is Dad dead?

Dan As a kipper on a cracker! [shocked looks] I'm sorry to say.

Harry:
Well, the way you were just talking about him, I kind of got the impression that he was, you know, here.

Bull:
He is, Your Honor.

[Bull holds up a small urn and places it on Harry's desk.]

Bull:
This is Mr. Huebner.

Harry:
Gee, he's a lot shorter than I pictured.

Bull:
Your Honor, the Hubner sisters are waiting to see you.

Harry:
Herb's kids? What do they want?

Bull:
Apparently they settled their differences and had some kind of reconciliation.

Harry:
So what about the ashes?

Bull:
They say whatever you decide to do with them is fine with both of them.

Harry:
[picks up the urn] Oh. Well, okay. I hadn't really... [opens the urn] Hey, this thing's empty!

Art:
Oh that, yeah I'm sorry, Your Honor, I had to use that herb tea to test the coffee maker.

Harry:
Art, this wasn't herb tea! This was Herb!

[they look over and see Dan standing at the coffee maker, his mug frozen against his lips]

Roz:
[deadpan] Quite a day today.

Mac:
[deadpan] Yep, quite a day. We almost had a wedding here.

Roz:
Yep, almost. But we didn't.

[They sit impassively for a moment, then make Harry's "crazy" face at each other.]

Christine:
Are you two done mentally undressing my friend?

Dan:
Hold it a sec.

[He and Harry close their eyes and lean back their heads, smiling blissfully.]

Mac:
First case sir, People vs. Trixie Dubois. She's charged with prostitution.

Harry:
Mr. Prosecutor?

Dan:
Ah yes, sir, familiar story: boy meets girl, girl asks for a C-note, boy flashes badge, girl offers discount, boy busts girl.

Harry:
Ain't love grand?

Mac:
Uh-huh.

[Christine, Harry, and Bull storm into Thursby's office]

Harry:
Thursby, you're scum!

Arthur Thursby:
[into phone] You'll have to excuse me, Monsignor. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly just dropped by.

Arthur Thursby:
You're insane!

Harry Stone:
They called me mad at the university!

Dan:
Listen, pal, you can't make me pay for something I didn't do!

Pete Petey Peterson:
But, Danny, I have affidavits on you from half the women in this town! And, may I add, you photograph quite well...

Dan:
Yeah, you just prove that's me behind that mask.

Pete Petey Peterson:
If you refuse to settle, you force me to launch a vicious, no-holds-barred smear campaign.

Dan:
Listen, buddy, nobody drags Dan Fielding through the mud!

Harry:
[looking through the photos] Not according to Action Photo Number Five, Dan.

[swearing in a group of new citizens]

Harry:
You've all gone through a lot to reach here. You've learned our history, our culture, our secret handshake...

[confused murmur]

Harry:
Well, you have learned our secret handshake, haven't you?

[more confused murmuring]

Harry:
Ha-ha-ha! No, there's no secret handshake! I was just kidding!

Clinton:
I stuffed myself into the dashboard of a Datsun to get here, and he's kidding?

Roz:
It's his inalienable right to make an ass of himself.

Vega:
God, he's good!

[on a busy night at the hospital, a podiatrist is sent to Mac and Quon Le's hospital room, while she is in labor]

Doctor Aidleman:
Good lord, this woman is pregnant!

Christine:
Oh, don't tell me you've never delivered a baby before?

Doctor Aidleman:
[sarcastic] Well, just how many people who aren't obstetricians have?

[raised hands from Christine, Harry, Mac, Bull, and Dan (a reference to Season Three's "Hurricane:
Part 2")]

Doctor Aidleman:
What are you? Some kind of a cult?

Mac:
Dan's still trying to put on a good face for the Mayor's judicial selection committee.

Christine:
Yesterday he actually taught a civics class at an orphanage. Can you picture Dan in a roomful of little kids?

Roz:
Yeah. Ransacking their little lunch boxes for milk money...

Bob Wheeler:
Hello, it's us.

Harry:
Bob and June Wheeler, ya Yugoslavian recidivist knuckleheads, you! What the heck brings you by?

Mac:
They were picked up on a 509-B violation, sir.

Harry:
509?

Mac:
Uh-huh.

Harry:
B?

Mac:
Yep.

Harry:
I don't believe I'm familiar with that one.

Dan:
Well, sir, it's not used in Manhattan very much. It refers to the illegal detonation of... poultry.

Harry:
Excuse me, but I didn't think that chickens were among our more widely-used explosives.

Christine:
Sir, the Wheelers were merely trying their hand at egg-farming. They ran into a bit of difficulty with a propane-powered incubator.

Harry:
So all the would-be chicks are now...

Dan:
Quiche, yes sir.

[Dan is throwing a tantrum over being passed over for a judicial appointment.]

Dan:
Maybe I'm just not cut out for this job!

Christine:
Dan...

Dan:
[to the courtroom] All right, who wants to share gas to Florida? Show yourself now!

[A flasher stands up and, taking Dan literally, opens his trench coat. Dan mulls it over for a second.]

Dan:
...Okay, but you gotta ride in the back.

Mac:
Oh, poor Harry. This whole thing must have him really depressed.

Harry:
Gangway!

[Harry streaks out of the cafeteria kitchen on roller skates, wearing a jet pack made from a fire extinguisher. He speeds out of the cafeteria - CRASH! Everyone gets up and rushes to the exit.]

Bob Wheeler:
Don't worry! Don't worry, he's all right. The girl scouts broke his fall.

Christine:
There's got to be a way to get your job back!

Harry:
Like what? Like it turns out I'm on Dallas and I've been dreaming all this?