Night Court, Season 5

[on Christine's first day as a judge, Bull brings in the next defendant, who is sobbing piteously]

Mr. Fengler:
Please, let me go! Let me out of here!

Bull:
Sir, please calm down. You're among friends. Friends who wear badges, and search your body cavities, but friends nonetheless.

Mr. Fengler:
You don't understand, this is a mistake, please, somebody help me!

Christine:
Oh, don't worry, sir, I'll help you!

[everyone stares at her]

Christine:
I-I mean, I'll do everything in my power to see that you receive a fair trial. Um, Mr. Prosecutor?

Dan:
Yes, Your Honor, Ye Olde Town Crier here robbed yon convenience store, and stuffed the booty in his jerkin, forsooth.

Mr. Fengler:
I'm sorry, I just haven't had a square meal in days, and when I saw all that food in the window, I snapped.

Christine:
Oh, you poor thing!

Dan:
Oh yes, the poor thing almost had to eat the shotgun he had with him!

Christine:
You had a shotgun?

Mr. Fengler:
A little one.

Dan:
The term is "sawed-off"!

[Koenig knocks on Harry's door]

Harry:
[sing-song] Who is it?

Mr. Koenig:
[sarcastically sing-song] It's the landlord!

Harry:
[still sing-song] Just a minute!

[There is an explosion from inside Harry's apartment. Harry comes out, his face black with soot, and coughs out a cloud of smoke]

Harry:
[polite] Yes?

Mr. Koenig:
I want you and your exploding yak hair out of that apartment now, or I'm calling the cops!

Harry:
Mr. Koenig, I've paid you two months rent, and a substantial security deposit, so if you want me out that'll be three months of eviction proceedings, during which time you're not gonna see a penny of rent, and when it finally goes to trial, I'm gonna testify under oath that you and I have been involved in a torrid love affair.

[He leans forward and pecks Mr. Koenig on the nose, takes his package from Koenig's stunned hand, and exits into his apartment.]

Dan:
Are you out of your mind?! I could go to jail for impersonating a judge!

Mac:
Hey, it's on the phone! Nobody's gonna know.

Dan:
Why me?

Mac:
Well... because it's sneaky, and underhanded, and deceitful(?)

Dan:
[nods] ...Nobody does it better.

[Gary Fenton awakens after being knocked out. The first thing he sees is Bull's face, closely observing him.]

Bull:
[creepy voice] We've been waiting for you, Mr. Fenton.

[Fenton cries out and faints. Bull looks up, puzzled.]

Bull:
[normal voice] Boy, he looks like he just saw a ghost.

Roz:
Come back in here, Dan.

Dan:
No!

[Dan is shown hiding on the sill of the window outside Harry's office]

Christine:
You can't stay out there forever, Dan.

Dan:
Why not? I've got a great view of the park, fresh air... [looks at the pigeon perched on his shoulder] Fresh poultry.

Christine:
Bull?

Bull:
Dan, are you going to make me do this the hard way?

Dan:
Yes!

Bull:
Gooooooood.

[He seizes Dan by his belt and hauls him inside.]

Mac:
Just be glad it was your belt, Dan.

[Bull was just struck by lightning. He is found on the couch, his clothes still smoking]

Harry:
Bull!

Bull:
Mind if I smoke?

Christine:
Doctor, is he all right?

Doctor:
That depends. What did he look like before?

Mac:
Just like that.

Doctor:
Well, then he's fine. Spooky, but fine.

Harry:
Fine? Art said his heart stopped beating.

Doctor:
Well yes, for a few minutes he was clinically deceased.

Bull:
But I'm feeling much better now.

Dan:
Really? You look dead on your feet.

[He laughs; glares from everyone]

Dan:
Oh, come on. If we can't laugh at the walking dead, who can we laugh at?

Doctor:
It's a miracle he wasn't even hurt. With the voltage he absorbed, it must have been like French-kissing a light socket.

Bull:
No, that feels different.

[Harry, Dan, Mac, and Bull track Roz and Christine to a male strip club, worrying that the place is too rough for Christine.]

Harry:
Any sign of Christine?

Bull:
[craning his neck] No. Of course, I could see a lot better if it weren't for that crazy bimbo dancing on the table.

[At second glance, the "crazy bimbo" turns out to be Christine, playing a snake-charming tune on a kazoo while "Sinbad the Snake Charmer" dances onstage.]

Christine:
Come on, Sinbad, make that thing MOVE!

Roz:
You doing anything tomorrow night?

Christine:
Tomorrow night? No.

Roz:
You ever see tag-team mud wrestling on cable TV?

Christine:
Oh, Roz, I really don't like to watch those things.

Roz:
Who said anything about watching?

Christine:
...WE'LL KICK THEIR BUTTS!

Harry:
This thing is gonna be the centerpiece of my magic act. I'm gonna play a trick, so incredible, so amazing, it will boggle the human mind!

[Dan enters the office, inadvertently concealing Harry behind the door.]

Dan:
Could we...? [sees the safe and laughs] Oh, don't tell me that melon head is going to do the old "escape from the safe" trick.

Harry:
[rounds the door] The produce in question is right here, Dan.

Dan:
[feigning excitement] Oh, you mean you're gonna be inside the safe! Oh, and it's gonna be locked and everything! Ooh, thrilling, sir.

Satan:
How'd you like to make a hundred dollars?

Dan:
I'd rather sit on a blender.

Satan:
[holds up contract] All you gotta do is sign this.

Dan:
Listen, pal, I don't know who you are, but why don't you take your...

Satan:
Oh, I'm known by many names: Lucifer, Beelzebub, Satan... although it says "Stu Blumberg" on my license. But enough about me. Let's talk about you, and what you could do with one of these.

[He holds up the hundred dollar bill. Dan glances at a prostitute with a Mardi Gras mask.]

Dan:
Get four of those.

Dan:
Mr. Shibata was caught "rolling for dollars" with these three rarely-upstanding women.

Harry:
All three? That's illegal... and quite impressive.

Dan:
When he was apprehended, he had a fifty-gallon drum of soy sauce, and they were in the middle of something called the "Sukiyaki Slam-Bam."

Christine:
Uh, sir, while neighbors and adjoining rooms did complain for over seven hours, I believe that...

Dan/Harry/Mac:
SEVEN HOURS?

[Mr. Shibata bows; Mac, Harry, and Dan all bow lower.]

Dan:
My God, man, how do you do it?

Mr. Shibata:
[thumps his chest] Every day, I swim ten miles, eat one hundred oysters, and sit in a barrel of pickle brine!

Dan:
[to stenographer] You got that? [she nods]

Harry:
How the hell do you lose a dead body?

Bull:
He outsmarted me, sir.

Dan:
I don't think any further explanation is necessary.

D.A. Daniels:
Drives you crazy, doesn't it? So near, yet so far...

Dan:
Wait a minute, is that what you're up to? You're gonna taunt me, torture me, drive me crazy?

D.A. Daniels:
Call it a hobby. Remember: one touch, and I'm cutting you off at the knees!

[He exits]

Dan:
[muttering] Yeah, I'd still be taller than you, you little...

Kitty:
Mr. Fielding, can I ask you a question?

Dan:
Certainly, young lady, anything.

Kitty:
[sultry] Did you know I'm double-jointed?

Dan:
[high-pitched] Really?

Kitty:
Wanna see?

Dan:
Yes... [slaps himself] No! Yes... [slaps himself again] No!

Christine:
[regarding Dan's impotence] Dan, you know there are several books on this subject that might be of some use to you.

Dan:
Such as?

Christine:
[as everyone turns their gaze on her] Well..."The Little Engine That Could."

[At his job interview, Dan finds that the hiring partner only wants him for an office gigolo.]

Dan:
You think you can call me in here, play your little bedroom games, take shots at my manhood? That's fine! I get that all the time! All right, maybe I wasn't able to afford some snooty Ivy League education. But let me tell you something. When you get your degree from the Bayou Academy of Law & Agriculture, you learn something else: a fighting sow-belly has to work for what he wants! Can't be afraid to get your snout dirty! You know, I live the law every day. In the courts and the jails of New York City. And I may have barf in my cuffs when I come home at night. But that's the way I like it. [building] That's why I have the highest conviction rate of any DA in this city. And that's why I have the lowest percentage of overturned cases! And that's why you can say anything you want to about my manhood, but nobody, lady, nobody can touch Dan Fielding in a court of law. [throws off his jacket] Or for that matter, anywhere else!

Toni Corbin:
You mean...?

Dan:
[yanks off his tie] I mean, hold on to your Dixie Cups, babes! THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN!

"Teddy Roosevelt":
[to Christine] Hey, how'd you like me to charge up your San Juan Hill? [laughs]

Christine:
Look, I may have to defend you, but I don't have to put up with your sleazy remarks.

"Teddy Roosevelt":
Ooh, a filly with spirit! Looks like you need a Rough Rider! [laughs]

Christine:
Watch it. I speak softly but I carry a big knee.

Christine:
Your Honor, before we can proceed, we're going to need an order to separate. The fourth defendant isn't here. The man playing Thomas Jefferson hasn't sobered up yet.

Harry:
Little bit too much Yankee Doodle Brandy?

Dan:
About ten minutes ago he stuck a feather down his throat and threw up macaroni.

[Dan and Dr. Townsend find Roz, delirious from not taking her insulin, sitting on the edge of the roof]

Roz:
Hey, what are you two doing up here? [looks over the edge] But then again, what the hell am I doing up here? [laughs]

Harry:
The paramedics are on their way. In the meantime, they told us not to do anything that might upset her.

Roz:
That's right. Otherwise it's one small step for Roz... one giant splat for mankind! [laughs]

Moody:
Too risky. I think our only prudent course is open gunplay.

Harry:
Listen, fathead, the one thing we don't need is to have some trigger-happy lunatic in charge!

[into phone]

Harry:
No, no, Mr. President, I wasn't talking to you. Yes, I'm sure you do get that kind of thing all the time.

Dr. Townsend:
Get this straight, Fielding: I-don't-like-you. You're nauseating, your hair looks stupid, and you smell like Vaseline. Frankly, an evening with you would be about as much fun as draining a prostate infection.

Dan:
[unperturbed] I guar-ahn-tee it.

[The courthouse boiler has broken down, and everyone is trying to stay warm.]

Mac:
Hey! Dan, did you burn my assembly instructions?

Dan:
What's the big deal? You stick Tab A into Slot B, who can't do that?

Mandy Davis:
[a prostitute] You'd be surprised.

[Bull is wheeled in, frozen solid after being trapped under a falling snowbank.]

Harry:
Maybe... maybe we should rub him and try to get circulation going.

Ruthie Cook:
Wrong, exactly wrong! You do that and he'll be shedding skin faster than a frog on a cheese grater!

Harry:
Are you sure?

Ruthie Cook:
You don't spend twelve years on the street without learning how to deal with exposure.

Harry:
What do we do?

Ruthie Cook:
First we strip him!

Mac:
[contemplates Bull] Oh, mercy...

Santa Claus:
All right, now if this works, this whole train track becomes a giant heating element.

Harry:
Where did you learn all this fancy wiring stuff?

Santa Claus:
Blowing safes.

Ernie:
Excuse me, Mr. Fielding?

Dan:
[distracted] Just a second, Len, I'll be with you in a moment...

[Ernie handcuffs a briefcase to Dan's wrist.]

Dan:
Hey, what the hell is this?

Ernie:
It's a bomb, Dan!

[he opens the briefcase, showing it's full of dynamite. Dan gasps.]

Ernie:
It's going off in thirty minutes.

[Dan gasps again.]

Ernie:
[holds up a remote] Or sooner, if I push this little button.

[Dan gasps twice.]

Dan:
You saved me by convincing him I was a... worthless, degenerate, piece of human... trash.

[everyone waits]

Dan:
DRINKS ARE ON ME!

Christine:
The man is proud of it.

Ernie:
Tell you one thing he's not very proud of: his name. You know he changed it?

Harry:
Oh, yeah. We met his parents, we know his name used to be Ellmore.

Ernie:
Oh, not just his last name, his first name too.

Christine:
You mean's Dan's name isn't "Dan"?

Ernie:
No, it's...

Dan:
Uh, Ernie? Pal, buddy, friend? [makes a slashing motion across his neck]

Ernie:
[smiles] ...Reinhold.

Harry/Christine/Mac:
"Reinhold"?

[N.B. Dan's real name was actually revealed in the Season 3 finale, "Hurricane:
Part 2", a reference to Reinhold Weege, the show's creator.]

[a group of circus geeks has been brought in for alleged lewd conduct; after hearing the facts of the case]

Harry:
Mrs. Cooper, this is certainly a most serious and sobering charge...

[motioning "one second," he ducks his head under the bench and laughs hysterically; then he re-appears, perfectly sober]

Harry:
Nevertheless... I don't really see where any law has been broken.

Jack Sullivan:
You know that your mother and I dated for a long time. I wanted like hell to propose to her, but I was always broke, and... well, anyway, one day we're at Coney Island. I had eight hot dogs, six candy apples, and a pound of cotton candy - I threw up three times.

Christine:
In other words, you had a great time.

Jack Sullivan:
The best! We stop at Great Sal's Ball Throw and Lithuanian Deli. I throw the balls and win this ring. And I say to your mother, just kidding, "I think this means we should get married." And your mother gets this funny look on her face, and says... "I'd love to."

Al:
When I was young, my mother told me Santa Claus was real. But when I got older, she told me he wasn't. One book says Jesus is real; one book says he isn't. We're living in the greatest country in the world...! And we're murdering each other in the streets. What did they expect when they made us believe in the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny... and then gave us the nuclear bomb to play with? Hey-diddle-diddle, the cat and the fiddle... is a lie like all the rest. The astronauts killed the Man in the Moon. Growing up took care of the rest.

Harry:
What is it, Buddy? What is it about you that makes you so special? Why do people who are alone, and-and sad, they feel better just 'cause you're around? What is it?

Buddy:
[thinks a moment] Love... caring...

Buddy/Harry:
[in unison] ...and a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene with regular professional care.

[They grin at each other.]

Roz:
[reading her invitation] "Lords and Ladies, Christine Sullivan requests the honor of your presence tonight, at a gala affair commemorating the tenth wedding anniversary of Prince Charles and Lady Diana." (sarcastic) Par-ty!

Dan:
Listen to me, we're talking naked Italian women hanging from the ceiling!

Harry:
No, you listen to me, Dan. Miss Sullivan is our friend, and if once in a while she'd like us all to get together, then we should do so cheerfully...! Even if it is excruciatingly dull and stupid.

[Christine is furious to hear that Harry is forcing everyone to attend her party.]

Roz:
[sympathetically] Poor thing. She's probably too upset to even have the party now.

Harry:
Not a chance.

Roz:
Damn!

Dan:
Where the hell is Harry? He's over a minute late!

Roz:
What's wrong, Dan? Your date getting paid by the hour?

Dan:
No. It just so happens that the assistant D.A.'s have a pool going this month to see who gets the most convictions.

Christine:
By total volume, or percentage?

Dan:
Raw tonnage.

Christine:
What?

Dan:
Yeah, every defendant's weight is right here on the rap sheet. Whoever convicts the most flesh by midnight wins two thousand dollars.

Mac:
Talk about living off the fat of the land.

Mac:
First case, refusing an order to vacate. [a trio of nuns enter] People versus Sisters Laurie, Mo and Carla.

Dan:
[a la Curly] Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!

Harry:
Mr. Prosecutor, that will be enough.

Dan:
[a la Curly] Soitenly!

Bull:
Sir, your new bowling ball is ready.

Harry:
Oh, swell! [pulls out the ball, painted like a giant eyeball] Ha-ha!

Christine:
My God, when people see that rolling down the aisle, they're gonna throw up their pretzels.

Mario:
Hey, judge, I got your suit of armor here, good as new.

Harry:
Oh, great! Did you get all the goldfish out of it?

Yakov Kovlenko:
Give her hell, Harry!

Harry:
How are we gonna get the guy a visa?

Ludmila Federova:
He cannot have one, ever. I cannot ignore the law and let a possible subversive back into my country.

Harry:
Oh, come on! We both know he's not a subversive! He's just some poor schlep who wants to go home and visit his mom!

Ludmila Federova:
[confused] What is meaning of "sch-lep"?

Harry:
Well, uh, let's see. Uh... you remember Jimmy Carter?

[Ludmila's eyes widen, and she nods in understanding.]

'[after Christine rejects an anonymous love letter.]

Bull:
Sorry, guess she wasn't interested.

Johnny Carson:
I'm sorry to hear that.

Bull Shannon:
Excuse me, but... aren't you married now?

[Carson furrows his brow.]

Johnny Carson:
I... I don't know.

Harry:
How's the crossword puzzle going, Bull?

Bull:
I need an eight-letter word for a phrase that contradicts itself.

Harry:
"Oxymoron".

Bull:
If you don't want to help me, Harry, just say so.

Harry:
No, Bull, an oxymoron is two words that cancel each other out. You know, like, "jumbo shrimp."

Christine:
"Bitter sweet."

Dan:
"Free love."

Bull:
I understand.

Mac:
Yeah, that's a good one too.

Christine:
You know, I'm starting to worry about Roz. That disciplinary hearing of hers is taking forever.

Bull:
What's the big deal? Some guy started a fight in a holding cell, she yanked him out.

Dan:
Perhaps the fact that she neglected to open the door first had something to do with it.

[Cleaver challenges Harry to a battle of pranks, but Harry demurs]

Mac:
Sir, I cannot believe you didn't take the challenge!

Roz:
Where is your pride?

Christine:
Rip his guts out and use 'em for garters, sir! [off their looks] Metaphorically speaking, Your Honor.

Harry:
Don't you guys understand? I-I don't want to beat Cleaver. I just want to spend my few remaining years in... peaceful contemplation. [beeping] What's that?

Roz:
It's coming from Cleaver's briefcase.

[Harry pops open the briefcase and peeks inside... and a spring hand pops out, hitting him in the face with a pie. Harry looks up, and slowly rises to his feet, his face still covered with whipped cream]

Harry:
I'M GONNA WASTE THE SUCKER!

[cheering]

Harry:
Cleaver, you may be younger, you may be faster, you may even be smarter. But you will never, ever be crazier... than ME!

[as everyone opens their presents]

Dan:
[gasps] My God! It's a Rolex.

Mac:
Read the inscription.

Dan:
"Dear Dan, whether you believe it or not, I think of you as a friend."

[To everyone's confusion, he drops the watch into his water glass, covers the glass with his hand and shakes it briskly, then pulls the watch out and checks the action.]

Dan:
[gasps again] It's real!

Christine:
You know, Dan, you could get into a lot of trouble for impersonating a military officer.

Dan:
It just so happens that I am an officer in the United States Army Reserves.

Mac:
Get out!

Dan:
No, it's true. In fact, I've been in the Reserves for five years. I mean, it's no big deal. One weekend a month, two weeks every summer...

Bull:
Like going to the bathroom. [stares from everyone] ...What?

[Harry bribes a messenger boy to sing a regular telegram]

Timmy:
[to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat] "U.S. Army sad to say that sometime yesterday/ Captain Fielding's plane went down north of Hudson Bay."

Christine:
[reading] "Although a body has not been found, he is presumed dead at the scene."

Bull:
[singing] Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Life is but a dream!