Nip/Tuck, Season 2

Christian:
Face it, Sean, we're not college kids anymore. Your hairline is up and your ass is down.

Sean:
I'll be sure to put that on your 40th birthday card in a couple of weeks.

Christian:
Can you believe the shit that passes for music these days?

Girl at bar:
Maybe you should hang out here on Thursdays. It's oldies night.

Girl at bar:
What are you doing?

Christian:
Exhibiting a feat of modern technological daring by programming my number into your cell. Thus, proving that I'm a modern man of my times.

Christian:
Can I buy you a drink?

Girl at bar:
[commands Christian] Smile. Thanks, but no thanks.

Christian:
Is there spinach, sweetheart?

Christian:
I didn't realize you are a bitter lipstick lesbian. I'm sorry for taking up your time.

Girl at bar:
Actually, Christian, I love dick. Just not 40-year-old dick.

Christian:
That's perfect, 'cause mine is 35. Why don't we go somewhere dark and private and you can count the rings around my trunk.

Erica:
Do you have a subconscious desire to harm me?

Sean:
I assure you, Erica, any desire I have to harm you is entirely conscious.

Julia:
You slept with my mother.

Christian:
Once. At your wedding.

Julia:
Also at my wedding?

Christian:
So, I see she offered up full disclosure.

Gina:
I don't want my child around cheap common whores.

Christian:
He's around you all the time. Oh correction, you're an expensive whore.

Christian:
Once you've seen a woman's cum face, you've seen her soul.

Christian:
Men age and society says we´ve become more rugged women age and they just become... old.

Girl:
It might be nice if you paid me a little attention first.

Christian:
First come, first served? Why didn't you say so. Saddle up.

Liz:
[sensing the tension between Christian and Sean in the operating room] Is this pistols at 20 paces or is someone gonna get to work here?

Liz:
[to Christian's broken nose] What happened to you? Husband come home early from work?

Christian:
Until now, the worst thing that's happened to this face is a rough exfoliate. I never even had a pimple as a kid.

Sean:
Doesn't look like your orbits are involved, maybe just a deviated septum along with the fractured nasal bone. I'll reset it after surgery. You'll be fine.

Christian:
Fine? This face? No, you gotta make it what it was before, Sean. Perfect.

Sean:
I only do perfect, remember?

Sean:
Tell me what you don't like about yourself. [Silence] If I'm going to work on your nose, Christian, I'd like to follow the same procedure we do for all our patients.

Christian:
We're not here to talk about my nose, Sean. We're here to talk about what just happened in surgery.

Sean:
Nothing happened. There was a minor mishap.

Christian:
You call that river of blood minor?

Sean:
Unger bucked from a bad anesthesia reaction. It's happened before.

Christian:
Your hand palsied again, Sean.

Sean:
No, it didn't.

Christian:
Bullshit. Whatever this problem is, it's getting worse.

Sean:
It's not getting worse.

Christian:
So there is a problem.

Patient (looking at a model walking by):
How do you improve on that, huh?

Christian:
Oh, there are ways. Believe me.

Patient:
[referring to Christian's broken nose] Can I ask you how...?

Christian:
Bedroom acrobatics.

Patient:
Are you here to get it reset?

Christian:
That's for wimps. I'm here to consult with Dr. Jordan about a surgical technique. She's a colleague of mine.

Dr. Jordan:
I couldn't believe it when I saw your name on my appointment sheet. What happened to your nose?

Christian:
That's why I'm here. I broke it during a game of hoops with the boys. I'm looking to have a rhinoplasty A.S.A.P. How's your schedule?

Dr. Jordan:
No moles, but I'd recommend some lipo for those hips.

Christian:
Are you saying I have love handles? I do not have love handles.

Dr. Jordan:
Not that they are noticeable to the untrained eye, but to a professional...

Christian:
Hey, I am a professional, sweetheart. Don't try and sell me something I don't need. Men half my age want to look as good as this, okay? You're the one who needs work done, doctor. Lasik.

Sean:
[discussing Manya] I don't think this is something we can do!

Christian:
Look, Sean, you may be the expert on nerve reattachment, but I'm a goddamn genius when it comes to pussy. If I build it, she will come.

Christian:
[giving Sean bedroom advice] Have you tried doing the alphabet? Women are right-brained. They are instinctive and verbal. Want to be a better lover? Work on your language skills.

Sean:
[about women's orgasms] We´ll never really know what gets them off just like they´ll never know what it´s like to have a hard-on. It´s like trying to describe the sky to a blind man. We´re just groping in the dark.

Christian:
The procedure is rare. This has nothing to do with your competence as a surgeon.

Sean:
Or your technique as a lover.

Gina:
[to Christian] In case you have forgotten, there is no law against having multiple sexual partners, or you will be on death row.

Sean McNamara:
Remember, We're treating a patient here, not just a vagina.

Christian Troy:
That's easy for you to say. You've never been with Vagina Gina!

Christian:
[to Mrs. Grubman] Tell me what you don't like about yourself...again.

Kimber:
The older I get, the more interesting I get. Sharon Stone was 32 before she hit it big.

Christian:
Sharon stone also had a nose. You are drug addict, Kimber! Keep on going like this and you've been no career.

Kimber:
What am I supposed to do? I have no money. I am screwed up.

Young Doctor:
[referring to Sean, who's just survived a car accident] Hey, that's my patient!

Christian:
And he's my partner and best friend. Why would I leave his mug in your inexperienced hands? I have pubic hair older than you!

Christian:
There's a difference between being a pussy and being respectful of fear. It's what reminds me to slide on a johnny hat every time I perform a slipindicktomy on a woman of questionable standards.

Matt:
What are you writing?

Sean:
My obituary. I read somewhere that writing your own was a good motivational tool.

Mtt:
And what does it say?

Sean:
"Dr. Sean McNamara, 101 years old, died Tuesday night of natural causes. Inventor of bipolar liposuction. He was described by his friends and large family as a good doctor, good husband..."

Matt:
...And a good father.

Julia:
Loss is a part of life. You can't really care for something or someone until you realize that one day, they may be gone. And when they do go, we feel as if everything goes with them and we feel like we'll never really care about anything again. But we do. And we discover that that loss was a gift, that helps us appreciate all of the things we still have.

Christian:
[referring to Wilbur] I love him. I love him more than I´ve ever loved anyone or anything in my life. Cicely´s right. I´ve held hundreds of women in my bed and counted the minutes till the sun came up and I could get rid of them. But when it´s late at night and that little boy is asleep in my arms I wish the Earth could just freeze there forever.

Christian:
[to Gina, about fighting for Wilbur's custody] Get your coat and your bitch on.

Christian:
[saying farewell to Wilbur] Never give a girl your number, always take hers. Keeps you in control. No American cars. German, Italian, or the occasional English. Treat yourself to a barber shop shave once a month. Take a beautiful girl to Florence and eat at the Enoteca. Talk to Marino, he'll take care of you. Tell him you're my son. Don't take any crap from anyone, you're better than that. But.. try to be good to people. Never get too jaded to care. Remember me. Remember me."

Christian:
[to Sean] If Anne Frank were hiding in your attic, she wouldn't have gotten past the words 'Dear Diary.' I'm putting pussy lips back on the schedule!

Christian:
[upon learning Liz's wish to become a mother] Medusa's going to breed?

Christian:
[pointing to an overweight patient and referring to Liz's wish to become a mother] Not fair, they let him get pregnant.

Matt:
She's the life coach my mom hired to get my grades up.

Christian:
Your grades, asshole, not your dick!

Ava:
I have no idea you are so puritanical.

Christian:
I am a goddamn pilgrim.

Christian:
I'll have you arrested for statutory rape.

Ava:
Matt's 17. By Florida laws he is a consenting adult.

Christian:
You certainly know your rape laws.

Ava:
For someone who according to Matt has had his share of teenage girls, you are stupid if you don't.

Ava:
[to Adrian] You are not too old to get a backhand and I'm wearing heavy rings.

Matt:
No, this whole family is bullshit. And you're the reason why.

Julia:
Don't talk to me like that, I am still your mother.

Matt:
You're not my mother, you're a whore.

[Julia raises her hand, but Matt blocks it.]

Matt:
Even if you did hit me, it would still be true.

Liz:
I'm getting my kid baptized.

Christian:
Over my dead body.

Liz:
Easily arranged.

Liz:
I loved being a Catholic when I was a kid. The drama of it. The feeling that there was a mysterious man in the heavens watching out for you.

Sean:
When did you lapse?

Liz:
When I became a pro-choice lesbian.

Julia:
He's not your son.

Sean:
What are you talking about? I was there when he was conceived. I pulled him out of you when he was born. He's everything like me; too emotionally shut off, he's tuned in his head. This thing with Ava... is completely not McNamara like, I'll give you that. Is that what you're trying to say? Is that what you're saying?!

Julia:
I didn't mean--

Sean:
Just answer me! I am Matt's father!

Julia:
Christian is!

Sean:
[after punching Christian to the ground] I loved you the most!

Sean:
Agatha Ripp did at least have one point that makes sense. That Bible quote, "Watch out for false prophets, they come to you in sheep´s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves". That´s what the devil is, you know. Not some obvious Machiavellian figure with horns and a tail but a silent foe disguised as friend. Someone you trust, even love, whom you let into your life only to find out too late they´ve made a shambles of it.

Christian:
[discussing the force majeure clause in the partnership contract] But there's gotta be a statute of limitation on this.

Sean:
There is no statute of limitation for being a back-stabbing asshole.

Christian:
Fine, but it won't be a mole removal. You want out? It's gonna get invasive. I get the furniture which I picked out for the waiting room, the anesthesia machine. And Liz.

Matt:
Look, what's happened between the three of you is painful. But we can fix this.

Sean:
Your mother slept with my best friend, and you were the result, and I didn't know for 17 years, so stop defending them!

Matt:
Yeah, and my mother is sleeping in a hotel because you kicked her out, and I can hear you crying through the walls at night, so don't you dare scream at me!

Sean:
[discussing Julia] Do you want to be with her now?

Christian:
Thought about it.

Sean:
Do you think Matt looks like you?

Christian:
Yes.

Sean:
When you masturbate, do you ever think about her?

Christian:
Yes.

Sean:
Did you ever ask her to not marry me?

Christian:
No.

Sean:
Did you want to?

Christian:
Yes.

Sean:
I think you're forgetting how we met. You paid for my tray at the cafeteria and then begged me to tutor you up to a 'B' in microbiology.

Christian:
And that tutoring bumped your 'A-' to an 'A', doctor. You have never appreciated my contribution to this partnership.

Sean:
So I have your ineptitude to thank?

Christian:
No, you have my 10-inch dick to thank. Surgery is the one place where you're more of a man than I am. And you need to be better because somewhere in your twisted brain, you think that's what keeps Julia. So you work hard and you focus. And for all your bullshit about carrying me, you've never been able to leave. You can't do this without me.

Sean:
[to Christian] Fine. Raise Matt. I spent 17 years trying to corral your bad genetics. Let's see if you can do better.

Christian:
We had a system. If I had a girl in the room, I put the Men at Work album outside so you know not to come in. But you're the one who insisted on coming in most of the time. Pussy, I knew what you wanted. You wanted to see me screw because it was the closest you could get to being laid.

Christian:
We're not having a three way.

Sean:
Why not, everything else has been... I'll pay, Julia.

Renée:
Uh, my name's Renée.

Sean:
Not tonight, tonight it's Julia [Christian blows out smoke while shaking head] ...Isn't this what you've always wanted, Christian? ...Isn't this your dream? ..To be with Julia and I here in this moment?

Christian:
You're crazy.

Sean:
And you haven't got the balls!

Renée:
Maybe I should come back?

Christian:
No.... Stay, Julia.

Sean:
Call me old fashioned, but I like a girl with a few flaws and a brain.

Christian:
And look at where that got you!

Christian:
Look it's men. We're just wired that way, even if some small part of our brain actually gives a damn about your soul, it's always short-circuited by the part that wants to get into your pants.

Erica:
When I said you should make the most out of yourself I wasn't referring to your bra size.

Natasha:
The best thing of being blind is that you don't fear the unknown, cause everything's unknown.

Sean:
Actually I worked for Médecins Sans Frontières.

Christian:
What?

Sean:
Doctors without borders.

Christian:
Oh yeah, yeah... I read about that in Time magazine. You fix some guy's cleft after walking into landmines. That kind of shit.

Principal Wentworth:
Excuse me, Miss Moore. If I had a dime for every time a parent threatens legal action, I'd be living in Key West, sipping Piña Coladas and writing short stories.

Christian:
Sorry I'm late.

Principal Wentworth:
Have a seat, Mr. McNamara.

Christian:
It's Troy. Dr. Christian Troy.

Principal Wentworth:
I'm confused. I thought you were his father.

Christian:
I am. I'm his, uh, biological father.

Matt:
I have two dads.

Principal Wentworth:
Well, was there a divorce? Oh, got it. Two dads. Emily Willis has two mommies. We're seeing more and more of this.

Christian:
Matt's father is my partner, Dr. Sean McNamara.

Principal Wentworth:
I understand.

Matt:
They're not gay, Miss Wentworth. My Mom slept with Christian before she married my Dad.

Adrian:
Technically, I don't have any father figures, but Matt's living in my house and screwing my Mom, so I pretend he's my Dad.

Ava:
It's true, Miss Wentworth. Matt and I are lovers. I was his life coach.

Adrian:
You see, Matt has a problem. He's a premature ejaculator.

Principal Wentworth:
OK, enough. I deal with dysfunctional families on a daily basis. And trust me, everyone has a story, and none of you are that special.

Sean:
I know you've slept with some strange types, Christian, but a 50-year-old school principal?

Christian:
Put it on my tomb stone. Here lies Christian Troy. He was never predictable.

[Edit]

Christian:
There are times I want to feel more May, than September for a change.

Sean:
Here is the new world order, Christian. You keep Matt informed on how to minimize orange streaks at spray-on tanning salons, and I'm in charge of all matters concerning his education.

Christian:
[to Gina] You're like herpes. Every time I feel like I'm getting my life back, I have a Gina outbreak.

Christian:
[to Erica] Why would I consider using a condom? You haven't had a pregnancy scare since Gabe Kaplan was a celebrity.

The Carver:
Beauty is a curse on the world. It keeps us from seeing who the real monsters are.

The Carver:
Amazing drug, isn't it? It's a rarefied form of metocurine chloride. They use it on psych patients...causes a kind of 'waking coma'...should wear off in a few minutes...mmm....it's like a plane crash though...a few minutes away to hit the ground can feel like a lifetime. Awful feeling...being totally helpless...having no control...that's how most people spend their lives...slaves to the tyranny of beauty...carb counting, kick-boxing and chemical peels. I'm rescuing them from all that...and you are destroying...my...work. They call me the 'Carver'. You're the 'Carver'. Fifty noses all the same. A thousand flawless breasts. You're the monster carving what's beautiful and real out of life.

Christian:
I might be HIV positive.This is serious , Kimber. You have to get yourself tested.

Kimber:
Well , I have been every month. I've got my DNA results last week.Um... HIV , chlamydia, gonorrhea. I'm clean.

Christian:
Good , good.(hugs Kimber).I still have one call to make - James and Wilbur.

Kimber:
Hey , it's gonna be okay.

Christian:
I'm alone , Kimber. I had sex with thousand women but the truth is that I haven't been into committed with one.

Kimber:
You are into committed with me.You tried to be at least.And that counts for something.

Christian:
Why you're so good to me?

Kimber:
Because I love you , Christian.

Christian:
You love the idea of me.Money , good looks , nice things.I prefer I'm your perfect man.But how you gonna feel about me when I have no hair and I can't eat a bowl brown rice without throwing up them?Hanging in a hospital...

Kimber:
Your heart will still be there.And so will I.

Joan Rivers:
My body's dropping so fast my gynecologist needs a hard hat.

Ava:
Vodka on the rocks? If memory serves, you downed one of these the last time you were here barking up similar hallow threats. Drink up and get out.

[Christian smashes the glass]

Ava:
How barbaric. Despite your doctor's degree and sleek veneer of sophistication, when it comes to women and how to treat them, you've crawled right out of the cave.

Christian:
You lubricate acid. If I stuck my dick in you, it would sizzle off.

Ava:
It would sizzle alright.