Nip/Tuck, Season 4

Dr. Faith Wolper:
Have you ever had any loving adult relationships?

Christian:
Yeah, sure.

Dr. Faith Wolper:
What happened?

Christian:
One of them married Sean and the other... Well, it just didn’t work out. It wasn’t my fault. Even Sean couldn’t make it work with her.

Mother of the mother-daughter duo in Christian's bedroom:
Do you know what kind of women accept not being kissed? Whores. We’re not whores.

Christian:
No, you’re the goddamn Mother of the Year.

Burt Landau:
My balls are no longer proportionate to my wang. [Edit] Feels like I got an SUV riding around on training wheels down there.

Burt Landau:
Brains, brains can help you recognize an opportunity but it is balls that make you a risk-taker.

Sean:
Buy us? We are not for sale!

Christian:
We are at this price. [Edit] This man eats paper planes and shits out space shuttles.

Christian:
Think about it, Sean. Look at what your 70-hour work week did to Matt.

Sean:
Your genes are as responsible for that as are my work habits.

Liz:
His-and-her facelifts. If this is indicative of the state of relationships in the 21st century, then I'm staying single.

Christian:
And cocker spaniels all over south Florida howl in relief.

Sean:
Where is Christian?

Liz:
I'm sure his spirits are here, but his body is still in the tanning booth.

Sean:
I was in the neighborhood driving by and decided to see my partner. ...Why is there a statue of a cock in the living room?

Christian:
It's abstract art, Sean.

Christian:
Sweetheart, everything I need to know about you is bouncing around in front of my face.

Blu Mondae:
I couldn’t even get a job at Sea World because my tits weren't 'family-friendly'.

Christian:
There is no pro bono for boning a pro.

Sean:
I don't think it matters. Matt's fully cooked. It's too late to change the ingredients now.

Christian:
You scared , baby. Oh c'mon, I will never hurt that perfect reconstructed body of yours. It's my best work!

Kimber:
Christian, I can't see you anymore. You're not good for me.

Christian:
But my son is? That's why you go after him?

Kimber:
I didn't go after Matt. We met at the gym. He's miserable and lost!

Christian:
And you decided what? That you can rescue him? Maybe put in one of your movies? Sweet paggent got here. What? Did you do some snap films?

Kimber:
I don't do that absordive work anymore. I found something more incredible with my core values.

Christian:
Kitty porn? Yes!That's almost eighteen! You must be talking about that brain suck covsted to join!

Kimber:
It's religion , Christian! I needed something spiritual in my life!

Christian:
Oh , that's bullshit and you know it! What we had was spiritual, Kimber. I made you see God every time you came.

KimberYou made me see garbage , Christian! I was nothing to you! I was get fixed robot then you can throw pain on!

Christian:
You're such a freaking hypocrite. You was the one who seduced me when you thurned out I was a plastic surgeon who can get you everything you wanted! You were never more than ambitious piece of ass!

Kimber:
You need to go. You need to go right now!How much more pain you need to cause me before you think I've had enough!

Christian:
Look whatever I did. Whatever we did to each other.I loved you.

Kimber:
You loved your creation. You've never loved me because you've never saw who I really was! I was just something made up in your head!

Christian:
But I see you now , Kimber.And you know what?You're dangerous because you're weak.You can live without some one or something to suck off. And your love and your religion. But if you start feeding on my son. I swear there's not one place on earth that will keep you safe from me!

Christian:
They both have physical problems that need treating. What makes his face more deserving than her tits?

Sean:
And you're just a goddamn Mother Teresa, Christian.

Man at consult:
The world we live in has a certain aesthetic, and you can't enjoy its privileges without conforming to a higher standard.

Sean:
Christian, this is classic body dysmorphic disorder. Look at yourself at the mirror, you are a model of physical perfection.

Christian:
I know, but I can be better. I know I can. Would you tell a millionaire to stop making money?!

Christian:
There's an epidemic of obesity in this country and it's our job to exemplify a healthy alternative.

Sean:
Passing on the Key Lime Pie or that second bottle of Merlot might be a more reasonable way to set an example.

Christian:
Diet? [Edit] No, Sean. We’re in the quick fix biz.

Christian:
So you’ll give your night nurse a nose job but you won't give your partner some lunchtime lipo?

Dr. Mike Hamoui:
Are you staring at my dick?

Christian:
No, I'm checking out your ass.

Christian:
How do you get that lineation in your abs there? I’ve been doing a thousand crunches a week and I can’t seem to get mine to pop like that.

Dr. Mike Hamoui:
I have protein shakes for breakfast and lunch and a light dinner, and no refined sugars. And I’m in here every day.

Christian:
How do you find the time?

Dr. Mike Hamoui:
Well, the hour you spend watching Sports Center, I'm in here. During your forty-five minute lunch at Joe Stone Crab, I'm jogging down the Strand. Gotta make the sacrifices.

Christian:
Sacrifices? You’re a goddamn physical terrorist.

Christian:
With the amount of high-calorie choices available to consumers these days and the enormous portions restaurants are shoving in your face, surgery is the only solution for some people.

Liz:
Standing proud with your fat-ternity brother, Christian? You can’t hide behind those slimming scrubs anymore, Superchub. I saw the tape.

Christian:
I don’t think it’s appropriate to discuss your new jerk-off material over surgery.

Liz:
Oh, I didn't masturbate to your sex tape, Christian. I am not a chubby-chaser.

Christian:
Oh yeah? Can you still find a cooch under that gunt? [turns to Michelle, who just entered the operating room] Michelle, can you stop contaminating the sterile environment?

Liz:
You can sing whatever song you want to in front of them (Sean and Christian), but I will not let your gay-shame cost me my job. You know, I thought having a woman run this place was gonna make a big difference, but with you it's all espresso machines and fresh carpeting, Michelle. I am still working for a dick!

Dr. Mike Hamoui:
Aren't your partner with Sean McNamara? How come he isn't doing this for you?

Christian:
We are too busy to give in-house freebies.

Christian:
[referring to Conor's birth] So he was born. He won't even remember it. [Edit] Call me when your kid needs stitches or learn how to tie a Windsor knot.

Christian:
Michelle is the kind of woman who wants to feel like a spider and I’m a helpless little fly caught in her web.

Liz:
Do you think that you could teach me to be as full of shit as you are?

Christian:
I thought lesbians didn’t play games. I thought it was all about cuddling and sharing of depilatory cream.

Christian:
[attempting to pick up a girl at a lesbian bar] I can munch, dive and fish better than any girl in this place. Plus I have in my possession a very life-like dildo just in case you decide to get kinky.

Christian:
[After Michelle slaps him in the face for making a pass at her] Just so you know, sweetie-pie, I’m not in to S&M.

Christian:
You and I both know you spent hours deliberating which dress in your closet best displays that world-class cleavage of yours. Since you love being a businesswoman so much, Michelle, let me give you the bottom line. You either get real with me and give in to what we’re both feeling, or sell me my business back. Although my nurses might enjoy it, I don’t like doing surgery with a hard-on.

Christian:
Your chocolate cupcakes are looking very tasty this morning, Michelle.

Liz:
Oh I get it. A straight man mentions sex, it's not sexual harassment. It's foreplay.

Christian:
I won't tell him your secret if you don't tell him mine.

Michelle:
What's your secret?

Christian:
That I made love to his wife before dinner.

[Christian and James at lunch together]

Christian:
The jig is up, sweetheart. It's time to take your little whore and pony show to a different city. Michelle told me about your escort ring.

James:
We haven't even ordered the wine yet, Dr. Troy. Shall we share a bottle of Pinot Noir? I know we both enjoy the darker varietals.

Christian:
I don't have that kind of liquidity right now.

James:
Then I suggest you melt some of your money.

James:
Then I have a proposition for you that might ease your pain. I'll knock down your first payment to something more manageable, say seventy-five thousand, if you throw in a hand-job. Don't be vulgar. I want a hand rejuvenation.

Christian:
I thought vampires kept their looks forever.

Dawn Budge:
It is time my body matched my bank account.

Mallory Budge:
If that's what you're after, you'd been skinny your whole life.

Christian:
I can vacuum you down to a skeleton, Dawn, but I can’t suck out the white trash, now, can I? You want pro-class, you’re gonna need a new face and wardrobe to go with your new body.

Dawn Budge:
Are you gay, Dr. Troy?

Christian:
No, but for a price, I will play Queer Eye for you.

Sean:
[referring to the ring he intends on giving to Julia] It’s a little out of my range.

Christian:
You banged the night nurse, Sean.

Sean:
I'll take it.

Matt:
[upon seeing Christian and Sean with a Porsche] So whose turn is it to have a mid-life crisis?

Dawn Budge:
I wanna buy one more thing, Dr. Troy. A night with you. I need Dwight to know he can’t do what he did without consequences. Basically, I want a revenge screw.

Christian:
Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Dawn Budge:
I will pay you a hundred thousand dollars.

Christian:
I wouldn't sit on the same toilet seat as you for a hundred grand.

Dawn Budge:
Name your price, sexy man.

Christian:
Four hundred thousand bucks gets you ten minutes. Strictly missionary, nothing kinky.

Dawn Budge:
I'll throw in an extra twenty if we can do it on the rug.

Christian:
I'm doing this after hours because I don't want Michelle to know. You deal with me now.

James:
You're not going to tell her the sacrifices you're making on her behalf? And they say chivalry is dead.

[edit]

Christian:
[about her rejuvenated hands] How do they feel?

James:
Clean. Untouched by time. If only you could do the same with my heart.

James:
I was planning on having a little more fun with you, Dr. Troy. You're cute when you squirm.

Christian:
I can't keep giving you just a part of me, and not all of me.

Sean:
[to Christian] Do you realize, between the two of us, that we've almost ruined a marriage and a business by sleeping with the wrong women this month?

Christian:
Free surgeries are like sex without an orgasm.

Sean:
Unless, of course, the patient’s name is Blu Mondae, in which case the free surgery follows an orgasm.

Julia:
Do you know the difference between God and a surgeon? God doesn’t think he’s a surgeon.

Sean:
At the moment, I’m grateful for every single surgery that’s giving me the skill to make my son whole.

Evetta:
[to Christian] I was talking about my heartburn, dummy. I don’t need no Hoover vacuum stealing my ass. Where I come from, I don’t get lipo to attract a man. I eat another cherry pie and put more junk in my trunk.

Christian:
This is for old times’ sake. Tell me what you don’t like about yourself.

Evetta:
Can I answer that one? Cause there are a few things I don’t like about Driving Miss Crazy here.

Mrs. Grubman:
No, you can’t answer that one, Evetta. If I wanted someone with an opinion, I’d have hired Star Jones.

Christian:
I'm way past shooting for sainthood, sweetheart. God gave me a dick and I intend to glorify him by playing that organ as intensely and as often as possible.

James:
Let’s face it, Christian, not every man can appreciate the experience of a perfectly aged single malt. Smoky scent, sweet and salty taste.

Christian:
Where do you get the balls to come on to me?

James:
It’s inevitable, you and I. The same refined taste, in Scotch and in women. Don’t you believe in fate?

Christian:
Only in Greek tragedy.

James:
I believe in critical mass. Tipping points, tiny straws that can break camel’s backs. You’ve been trying to show me who’s boss for some time, haven’t you? Well, now’s your chance.

James:
That car is worth more than $100,000.

Christian:
A lottery winner once paid me 4 grand to ride my dick. That means you owe me $300,000.

James:
Look at me, Christian. Do I seem like the cuddly type?

Christian:
I want her dazzling enough that it would give my dick amnesia.

Christian:
Sweetheart, you’re two hours late. If you were a pizza, I’d get you for free.

Sean:
Tell me what you don’t like about yourself.

Christian:
Just start at your head and work your way down.

Liz:
I just want a little lipo and maybe some work around the eyes.

Christian:
Oh yeah, that ought to do it.

Liz:
Shut up, Christian.

Christian:
[to Merrill, referring to his prison husband] Must have been one hell of a guy. It usually takes at least six karats for a bitch to give it up like that.

Kimber:
Julia, Matt and I are in love. And I understand that becoming a grandmother brings up complicated feelings. But please don’t make that our problem.

Julia:
My eighteen-year-old son is having a child with a woman who happens to have slept with both of his fathers. There is nothing complicated about my feelings!

Sean:
[to Christian]] Have you ever had a baby that someone else didn’t think was theirs?

Christian:
[referring to Matt's marriage to Kimber] That’s like saying we should be happy if you’re a drug addict and just scored a bag of heroin.

Christian:
I'd prefer a blond that can suck the yellow off a canary than brunettes with tight asses.

Sean:
Why haven’t you asked me about Monica? What I did, why I did it.

Julia:
I know why you did it. The same reason that I had an affair with Marlowe.

Sean:
I want to talk about it.

Julia:
I already know all the answers. So do you.

Conor:
I went to an all-boys prep school, and there are a lot of girls at my college. My mom always told me that people would love me for my big green eyes and my good heart, but I’ve come to realise girls also like it when you can unhook their bras by yourself.

Christian:
They don't speak a word of English and only love me for my money. But they don't quit until the super Viagra wears off, so who gives a shit.

Sean:
[to Michelle] So interesting when the hooker becomes the pimp.

Diana Lubey:
He suffered so much from her cruel unhappiness, but he wouldn’t leave. He was just like that, an old-fashioned man. Divorce was unthinkable. Couldn’t face his children, his grandchildren. He loved me, but I was the one left with nothing. Not a mention at his funeral, no closet full of his shirts to sleep in. So I stole his ashes and I valued them. My only crime was loving him too much.

Christian:
You’re right. I suck. I suck as a friend. I suck as a lover. I suck as a fiancée. I’m tired of defending myself.

Christian:
Michelle didn’t tell me her pimp had a pimp.

James:
We all eventually have to face a higher power. Some are a bit more brutal than others.

Christian:
Just because I groom, doesn't mean I've gone brokeback.

Christian:
I’ve been wanting to talk to you since Faith’s office. I lied about what happened in there.

Sean:
I knew you didn’t screw her over the desk!

Christian:
No, that part’s true. I mean about… What she said about the dream. About me having feelings for you. (pause) Not those kind of feelings. I never really thought I was gay. It was Faith who tried to convince me of that. I just think I have intimacy issues, y’know, with anybody in my life that...I love. I get confused and it’s really hard for me to express myself. (pause) That sounded really gay, didn’t it?

Sean:
Yeah.

Christian:
Yeah, well, screw you! Screw you! (there is a little joking play fighting between the men) Seriously, I love you.

Sean:
I know. I love you too.

Michelle:
But it isn't just about him, Sean. What about my baggage?

Sean:
He can handle it.

Michelle:
But I don't know if I can.

Sean:
So you use him, let him help you. He's strong.

James:
I trust you, Christian.

Christian:
Wish I felt the same, sweetheart. Sorry, but even a squashed spider spins its web until its final breath.

Christian:
[to the ghosts of his former lovers] Goodbye ladies, it's been swell.

Dr. Mike Hamoui:
[in Christian's apartment] I can still hear the screams from the women you've banged in here.

Michelle:
My sister and I used to make our own decorations. Popcorn, cotton balls for snow. Sometimes we'd take the tops off aluminum cans and punch holes through them, so the light could shine through.

Christian:
From cans to crystals. You've come quite a long way, baby.

Michelle:
I know, but I sorta miss making something from nothing, y’know? And the tree. We would wait til the last minute; pick up the bargain leftover. Sometimes the branches were half dead, but at least it was real.

Christian:
So is this. [kisses her]

Sean:
Are you a friend of Poppy's? You know, lesbian?

Elf:
I've been known to dabble. But every now and then, Santa's helper enjoys a good North Pole, if you know what I mean!

Sean:
I would have been there for you. If you'd just lost your wife and kids, I wouldn't be flying to Moscow with my fiancée over Christmas on an impulse!

Christian:
We're not going anymore. We're staying put with Wilbur. Look, it's all so new, you know. We need to stay together as a family, to bond. You know what it’s like.

Sean:
Yeah, I know what it's like. I had a family once. You were part of it. Pretty stupid of me to think that I'd be a part of yours.

James:
I’m James.

Reefer:
That’s a man’s name.

James:
In French, ‘J’aime’ means ‘I love’.

Reefer:
Reefer.

James:
Well, that’s the same in any language, isn’t it?

Christian:
[to Ms. Hudson, who is in Florida on a hunting trip] You know, I can't seem to picture you in camouflage and orange.

Ms. Hudson:
Well, after I zero in on my prey, I usually wear nothing at all.

Christian:
Now that I can picture.

Sean:
[trying to join in on a breast augmentation Christian is doing] Scoot over Christian, you don't get to have all the fun.

Christian:
What are you doing here? Thought you'd cop a feel while she was under?

Sean:
I just think that we should give Ms. Hudson the best treatment we can. Since I'm available, I figured I'd just make sure the operation goes as smoothly as possible.

Christian:
Oh Jesus, you've gotta be kidding me. You pull this crap every time you're fragile little ego gets bruised.

Liz:
Boys, boys, boys. This is why God gave women two breasts. Now each of you take one, and go play in your corner of the sandbox.

Sean:
[after giving Matt sex advice] The neighbors will either move or send you flowers.

Matt:
If that's what you did with her, I can't imagine what Christian and Kimber did together.

Gina:
Hello, Christian.

Christian:
Don't you mean ‘hello, asshole?’

Sean:
[to Christian] I'm in awe of you, always have been.

Christian:
I have surgery this afternoon, Sean. If I don’t get my caffeine, I will fire Linda as soon as she even thinks about rolling her eyes at me.

Sean:
Linda is irreplaceable. There is no McNamara/Troy without her. And there shouldn't be a Troy/Landau without her either.

Christian:
You're the one I can't replace, Sean.

Christian:
Take the coffeemaker, Sean. When you become a big, successful Beverly Hills plastic surgeon, this will remind you of where you come from.

Sean:
It's not the past I'm worried about, Christian, it's your future. Liars don't just pick a day to stop lying. And if you lay down with dogs, you’re gonna wake up with fleas.

Sean:
Burning sage supposedly cleanses the environment of bad events, bad memories. Like a divorce. Or if someone was shot in the head in the living room, that sort of thing.

[Edit]

Christian:
[to the couple moving in] Hey, you guys might want to sage the nursery. His ex-wife screwed a dwarf in there.

Christian:
You weren’t exactly upfront about your past.

Michelle:
Would you have been if you were me?

Christian:
You know what my first impression of Hollywood is, Sean? It's a shithole. Where's the excitement I grew up reading about? Where's the glamour, huh? This town needs me. Which is why I’m moving here.

Sean:
[about Michelle] You love her, Christian.

Christian:
I do love her. But I can’t trust her. Apparently, you're the only person I can trust. Absolutely trust.

Christian:
Just so you know, this Encino crap ain’t gonna cut it. It’s Rodeo Drive the whole way. With my sizzling good looks and brilliant business savvy and your moderately impressive talent, I think we could take over this town.

Sean:
Sorry, not interested. Unless I get to pick out the carpet this time, and retain my customary first billing.

Christian:
I think we could work something out.

Christian:
[in Sean's California operating room] Nurse, it's quieter than an ant's fart in here. Go play some music.