No Ordinary Family

Jim Powell:
When was the last time we did something as a family?

Daphne Powell:
Last month when you forced us to play charades, and then you pulled out your back, miming some scene from "Iron Man."

Jim Powell:
That was an old sports injury I re-aggravated.

JJ Powell:
Who are you texting now?

Daphne Powell:
God.

Katie Andrews:
Thanks to your increased metabolic rate, your life is like a never-ending spin class. So despite the need for massive caloric intake, you're gonna be a size zero for the rest of your life. I hate you.

JJ Powell:
What's going on? Oh. Talking about your new, cool powers. Well, keep me updated on the costume design.

George:
(as he was helping Jim to his feet after had run him over for the fifth time with a car) Okay, shake it off. Shake it off. Cool. Nobody ever saw what Superman's first day on the job looked like.

Stephanie:
The problem isn't about the powers. The problem is about Jim, husband and father of two, is out there using his powers to face hardened criminals, which is in my estimation...

Katie:
...so frickin' cool! He's out there on the street and he's kickin' ass...like Batman.

Stephanie:
Too bad you already took your shower. I was going to ask you to join me.

Jim:
Well, I might not be as fast as you are, but there are some things I'll still make time for.

Katie:
Now at the bottom of the stairs is another guard, Sal. He enjoys gas station burritos, conservative talk radio, and staring at your boobs when he thinks you won't notice. Which again, at your speed, won't be a problem.

Stephanie:
Jim, I love this ring.

Jim:
When I bought it for you, I was an artist barely getting by. The only ring I could afford was the smallest, ugliest ring in the store.

Stephanie:
It's not ugly.

Jim:
When I got down on my knee and I proposed, you looked at it and you said, "That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." And I knew--I knew right then I had the right girl. And every time I see it on your finger, I know you love me for who I am. And I love you for the beauty you see in ordinary things.

Katie:
I don't get it. You used to complain that Jim didn't have anything in his life. Now that he finally has a thing, you're going to complain about that?

Stephanie:
I was hoping it'd be a hobby, like model airplanes or stamp collecting.

Katie:
Oh, trust me, you do not want to be with a stamp collector. Their fingers are sticky, and their tongues are always dry.

George:
Okay, you're gonna talk to him, feel him out. The thing criminals love to do is talk about themselves. Make him comfortable, you get him to open up. Same idea as when you were single--think of it as a blind date, but with a sociopath.

George:
It's part of your Jim-ness. you... you see the world the way you are. I see the world, too. You know what I see? Robbery, Rape, robbery, murder. Take it from me, as an attorney, people suck. Even the people who don't appear to suck at first glance...

Jim:
Suck?

George:
Yeah.

Kenny:
What am I gonna do? My life is over. We used protection and everything.

JJ:
It's not that bad. It's gonna be okay. Condoms are only effective 98% of the time. If women are fertile 37 to 42 percent of the time, application of standard deviation actually raises your odds of pregnancy to...

'Kenny:
JJ...

JJ:
Yeah, buddy?

Kenny:
Stop trying to make me feel better, man.

Stephanie:
I saw something tonight. A huge chasm. Two sides so far apart. Families--I mean, we start as a unit together, united. And over time, life happens, people change, and pretty soon, you're so far apart you can't even see the person you're sitting next to at dinner. That's what happened to me and my parents. That table might as well have been the Grand Canyon. But they don't really know who we are. But... part of that's because we haven't let them. There are a lot of things I can run away from, Jim, but I can't... run away from who we are.

Jim:
So what do we do?

Stephanie:
Maybe it's time to stop running.

Stephanie Powell:
Well, uh, on a completely unrelated note, J.J. needs...

Katie Andrews:
To tutor him. I knew it was just a matter of time before you realized he needed some more intellect simulation.

Stephanie Powell:
And you don't mind?

Katie Andrews:
I was gonna suggest it. I mean, this might be my only chance to tutor a-a burgeoning Lex Luthor or oh, even, say, a young Reed Richards. Okay, work might not be the only reason I'm single.

Daphne Powell:
Oh, J.J., how could a super-genius be so epically stupid?

Stephanie Powell:
Boundaries, Jim. Ignore the Bat-phone. Tonight's for us

George St. Cloud:
[Jim wants to do a fist bump] Whoa. You keep that sledgehammer away from me, man. You ain't gonna crush these delicate hands

Stephanie:
No, don't worry. Once I identify his vulnerable DNA strand, I will isolate a molecular pathogen that will trigger Patton's cellular senescence, rendering his powers inert forever.

Jim:
Duh.

George:
Damn. Eighteen years well spent.

George St. Cloud:
[to Jim] Would you take it easy? You might as well be wearing a t-shirt that says "Me and my family went to South America and all we got were these lousy superpowers."

Stephanie Powell:
I thought we were a team.

Katie Andrews:
Of course you do - team Stephanie! But even though there's no "I" in team, there's a big "I" in Stephanie. And there's a "PH," which we both know in chemistry, is a measure of acidity.

Jim Powell:
Aren't you supposed to be getting some sort of award or something?

George St. Cloud:
What, the key to the city? Now what would I do with some key that don't open nothing?

(talking about accusing Dave of being the art thief)

Jim:
...and now it's cost me a friend and I don't have many of those either.

George:
Well, get used to it. You don't see Batman cultivating a wide circle of friends, and Peter Parker's always pissing off one of his buddies.

Jim:
So with great power comes great loneliness?

Katie:
Okay, so have you ever had somebody look at you, and it's like they are looking directly into your pre-frontal cortex?

Stephanie:
Katie, you're in love.

Katie:
That's a valid diagnosis. I do have all the classic symptoms--anxiety, uneasiness, dread.

Stephanie:
Well, that's not how you're supposed to feel when you're in love.

Katie:
Well in my case, it is. Because love leads to commitment. And commitment leads to intimacy. And intimacy... has.. proven to be somewhat uncharted territory.

Stephanie:
Katie, are you saying that you're still a...?

Katie:
Yes. Okay, so back in high school, I decided that I was gonna wait for "The One," like Morpheus for Neo in The Matrix, but with sexual relations.

Jim Powell:
Wait a second. Did you ever see "Die Hard"?

George St. Cloud:
Did you just ask... I am insulted that you asked me that.

Jim Powell:
Air vents. I'll bet these go anywhere in the building.

George St. Cloud:
So? Like you said, Jacobs will get a little suspicious if you jumped down in the middle of the squad room and took out four armed felons.

Jim Powell:
That's why John McClane didn't take on all the terrorists at the same time. He picked 'em off one by one.

George St. Cloud:
Oh, I get it. But in order to get them alone, you need a man on the inside.

Jim Powell:
Oh, no, it's too dangerous.

George St. Cloud:
Hey, Bruce Willis would've never had gotten out of there alive if he didn't have that black dude helping him. Jim, let me be your black dude.

J.J. Powell:
[after Daphne read his mind] And do you remember I had that sign on my door that says "no trespassing"? Imagine that on my forehead. Keep out!

Katie:
Okay, so I always had a crush on Wolverine, but I never thought about what would happen if I actually married Wolverine and if we had little wolvie babies. I mean, if we had kids, do you think they would have superpowers? Because the terrible twos would be much terribler with telekinesis.

Mr. Litchfield:
You're quite intuitive, Mr. Powell, and it's because of this intuitive genius that I am inviting you to join :the academic decathlon team. As you may know, I am the team's adviser, and I believe it would be a great challenge for you.

JJ:
I seriously doubt that.

Mr. Litchfield:
So... you're not interested?

JJ:
You're quite intuitive yourself, Mr. Litchfield.

Stephanie:
Don't do this. Whatever you feel for Sophie, it's not real. You and me-we're real. Eighteen years of candlelit dinners... backyard football games, a-arguing over shelving units... seeing your daughter born... and JJ's first stitches... remember? I was so scared and you held my hand and you said everything was going to be okay, and I believed you. It's-it's like you said. We fit. This is real.

JJ:
Mr. Litchfield, I couldn't help but notice that my packet has different practice problems than the rest of the team.

Litchfield:
Giving you the same work as them would be like asking Stephen Hawking to play Chutes & Ladders.

George:
That was crazy. When I go to a morgue, I expect to see dead people, yes. But pre-dead people.

Katie:
Okay, someone or something tried to attack me--a man, but with claws. And not like hot Wolverine, but like scary. wild animal claws.

Helen Burton:
And somehow I don't believe.

Daphne Powell:
J.J., please!

J.J. Powell:
I'm sorry. I just can't think, okay? Stress overstimulates the hippocampus, my glucocorticoid receptors haven't been this saturated since... Since the plane crash. Oh, my God. Look, I know why our powers are permanent. Please, just let my family go, and I'll tell you everything you wanna know. I promise.

Helen Burton:
J.J., I will. I will let them all go.

J.J. Powell:
Okay, you've been mixing the trilsettum with epinephrine - synthetic adrenaline - but what you need was real adrenaline. Now the serum wasn't wrong, the circumstances were. Look, in moments of extreme stress, like life and death, like a plane crash, the receptors in the hippo campus are wide open. And the trilsettum can be absorbed enough for its effects to become permanent. So please...

Helen Burton:
Thank you, J.J. You have been most helpful.

[gives gun to guard]

Helen Burton:
Give me ten seconds, then put a bullet in each of them.

Jim Powell:
[to Dr. King] A word of advice - when you shoot a man and leave him for dead, you better be sure his kryptonite hasn't worn off.

Dr. Dayton King:
[to Jim] You'll kill me? That's a bold prediction. Good luck trying to kill a man who can't die.

Jim Powell:
That's horrible, but why do you think this has to do with any us?

Agent Hawkins:
Because it has recently come to our attention that the four of you are no ordinary family. And these were no ordinary passengers. Mr. and Mrs. Powell, the government needs your family's help.

Helen Burton:
[points gun at Daphne] I'm running out of patience, J.J. J.J. Powell: I already told you everything. I swear.