NYPD Blue, Season 1

Kelly:
I'm gonna bleed Marino till he gives up Giardella.

Fancy:
And what if he gives him up dead?

Kelly:
That's okay, too.

Costas:
I'd say res ipsa loquitur if I thought you knew what it meant.

Sipowicz:
[grabbing his crotch] Hey, ipsa this you pissy little bitch!

Kelly:
You think I could come upstairs?

Laura:
What for?

Kelly:
Well, uh, if I don't, I'm gonna lay down right here and you're gonna have to put traffic cones around me.

Laura:
Where's your friend from the other night?

Kelly:
Uh, that, uh, that's not gonna work out. I'll sleep on the couch. I don't wanna be alone tonight.

Laura:
Come up. We'll negotiate where you sleep.

Kelly:
Andy. Stay cool, all right? Fancy wants to make sure you got your feet under you. That's all.

Sipowicz:
Oh, you think so, huh? I figure he's seeing if I can set a world's record for twiddlin' my thumbs.

[Laura is taking a shower and Kelly is standing outside the bathroom.]

Kelly:
Can I get you a towel?

Laura:
I can get one. Thanks.

Kelly:
Well, I just ran out of excuses for comin' in there.

Laura:
Since when did you ever need an excuse?

Kelly:
What ho.

Sipowicz:
What ho.

Kelly:
What's going on in there?

Sipowicz:
Ah, Walker just caught a case. Now he's voicing some reservations to the lieutenant about me workin' backup.

Kelly:
This is gonna take some time, Andy.

Sipowicz:
Come on, John. Please, I understand my situation. I spent a long period of time being sauced. I need to win back my colleagues' trust. I've got to exhibit a continuous positive approach. Even with this dim bulb here.

Laura:
I was on my way to work. I wanted to thank you for the flowers.

Kelly:
Well, they had a special. The "John Kelly Gets Used to His Ex-wife Being a Prosecutor" special.

Laura:
It's important to me to still have you for a friend.

Kelly:
You got that.

Laura:
I want to be able to tell you what's going on in my life.

Kelly:
You got that, too.

Sipowicz:
There's no rules in being a father.

Costas:
[to Sipowicz] His two favorite words about you are asshole and entrapment.

Medavoy:
[to Sipowicz as they are arresting strippers] Solicitation and double charging me for my cherry soda.

Lastarza:
You're implying you had communications with Angelo Marino prior to his death?

Licalsi:
Uh... prior to his death, yeah. But nothing since.

Abandando:
Yes, I got it all. An evil energy threatening the galaxy. Right. Also threatening you personally with a laser death squad. I got it. Nevermi... I'm not impatient. It's just, we're really busy here with crimes on planet Earth. Okay. Thanks for your phone call. [to Andy]

Abandando:
A nut case.

Sipowicz:
Yeah, I gathered.

Abandando:
All part of my job.

Abandando:
Yes, I remember you. I'm glad you called back. My superiors authorized me to release some classified information to you. This is on a top-secret basis. They want me to let you know the gravity shelf is in remission. The laser death team got recalled. Well, if the death team disobeys orders from shelf headquarters...

Sipowicz:
[whispering] Aluminum foil.

Abandando:
In the small event that occurs, just crumple two pieces of aluminum foil and stuff them in your undershorts. It defeats their sensor rays. Definitely. This could collapse the empire of the gravity shelf. Yes, these are great days. Okay. Goodbye.

Sipowicz:
[applauding] You saved the galaxy.

Roberts:
How did you handle the big four-oh, Andy?

Sipowicz:
Well, as far as I can remember, I dedicated that year to Seagram's 7.

Sipowicz:
Hey, did you know that New York City tap water tastes better than bottled water? That's not me saying that. That's independent testing.

Rickman:
The man who robbed me was just under six feet tall, 160 pounds, peaches and cream complexion and tousled, strawberry-blonde hair. No scars or distinguishing marks on his face or arms, but he does have a pierced scrotum. He, uh, wears a little gold ball there.

Sipowicz:
You got a good look?

Rickman:
Oh, yes. From all angles.

[on the value of a stolen Oscar]

Meyers:
I've heard rumblings. Very preliminary. A colleague didn't have the item yet, but he'd been approached. He wanted to know a ballpark worth.

Sipowicz:
Yeah, what would that be?

Sammy Meyers:
Twenty-five.

Sipowicz:
Thousand?

Meyers:
You think that's inflated? When a matchbook John Lennon wrote "screw you" on brings in fifteen?

Catina:
Take care. I'll be in touch soon.

Licalsi:
[In an undertone] Don't get cancer, Richie.

Rickman:
Well, I get my oscar back and lecture on free will

Sipowicz:
That's why this is a great police department.

Kelly:
You will be constitutionally protected from something that can save you 50 years in the joint.

Perriman:
Hey, I'm askin' for a lawyer now.

Sipowicz:
You want me to go out on the street and hail one down for you?

[Officer Roy Larson emerges from the locker room wearing nothing but a towel] Off.

Roy:
Hey, Kelly! You wanna sit on a butt like cottage cheese, be my guest. Meanwhile, I'll be sittin' on this. [Larson smacks his rear and walks off toward the locker room, while a surprised Lt. Fancy walks in]

Sipowicz:
You gotta admit, Lieutentant... the guy's got a hell of a muscular ass.

Sipowicz:
[referring to Off. Roy Larson back in the locker room] What'll it take before somebody drops a gorilla net over this guy?

Andy:
So let's not snag our pants on your sharp ethics, here, all right?

Corday:
Uh, I am having it analyzed in a laboratory. Once I've ascertained its legitimacy, I will involve the proper authorities.

Andy:
Yeah, well while you're ascertaining on that, why don't you tell me where I can find this psychic woman so I can ascertain on her.

Charlie:
I am gonna put a 10-ton weight on that worthless bag o'gumbo if I ever find her.

Kelly:
Charlie, you're talking like an asshole.

Charlie:
Listen to me, John. If I wasn't really rich, I'd be an asshole!

Sinclair:
Is there any special reason for you to be in jail right now?

Licalsi:
It's where I'm endin' up, I thought I might as well get used to it.

Sinclair:
We're all gonna die. It doesn't mean you have to camp out in graveyards.