Only Fools and Horses, Series 4 (1985)

June:
(about her son Jason) I think he misses his dad.

Del:
Yeah, I used to miss my dad. Until I learned to punch straight...

June:
You had a kid brother. Rodney! How is he?

Del:
He's alright. He's just reached that awkward age, you know. He's a bit like a trifle.

June:
What do you mean? All mixed up?

Del:
No, he's thick and fruity.

Del:
What are you up to, Mickey?

Mickey Pearce:
I've just come back from evening school. I'm learning aikido.

Del:
Really? Go on then, say something.

Mickey Pearce:
Eh?

Del:
Say something in Aikido.

Mickey Pearce:
No, it's not a language Del. It's a martial art! I had a fight with five blokes last night!

Del:
What was it, a pillow fight? Leave it out you ain't got a mark on you son!

Mickey Pearce:
That's because I wiped 'em out with Aikido.

Del:
Can you smell that? What is that? Sheep is it? It's cows? No, no, I know what it is. It's bullshit!

Rodney:
(about Debbie) I've just met the first girl in my life who really means something to me, and it turns out to be my bloody niece!

Del:
Alright, Rodney. Come on, that's why I had to tell you, you see, 'cos this sort of thing ain't allowed - it's... well, it's incense! Say you had got married to her - you can see what sort of confusion that would have led to, I would have been your father-in-law!

Rodney:
Bloody hell!

Del:
Your mother-in-law would have been your aunt, your wife would have been your second cousin - God knows what that would have made Grandad - the fairy godmother I should think.

Albert:
Your name Rodney, son?

Rodney:
Well, it is when Trigger's not about!

Albert:
Do you know I was torpedoed five times?

Rodney:
Yeah?

Albert:
Yeah. Do you know what they called me?

Rodney:
Jonah?

Albert:
No, they didn't call me "Jonah"... Not many of them. They used to call me "Boomerang Trotter" cause I always came back.

Albert:
(heading into Grandad's bedroom) I might as well kip down in there, eh?

Del:
No, no, you can't go in there. That's my Grandad's room!

Albert:
Yeah but - I'm his brother!

Del:
Yeah, that don't make no difference. Only me and Rodney are allowed in that room! Thatroom is gonna remain exactly as he left it! That room is going to be a shrine dedicated to the memory of my grandfather.

Albert:
I understand, Del.

Del:
No, we'll just have to think of something else that's all. Listen, if I get the big mattress out of Rodney's room I can put it down. No, I'd never get it through the door would I.

Rodney:
Oi, where'd you want these then?

Del:
Oh, sling them in Grandad's room for now will you, Rodney.

Del:
Get over it?! What a plonker you really are Rodney. Get over it. I ain't even started yet!!! Ain't even started, bruv! And do you know why? Because I don't know how to!!! That's why I've survived all my life with a smile and a prayer! I'm Del Boy, ain't I! Good old Del Boy - he's got more bounce than Zebedee! "Here you are pal, what you drinking? Go on! Hello darling, you have one for luck!!" That's me, that's Del Boy innit? Nothing ever upsets Del Boy. I've always played the tough guy! I didn't want to, but I had to and I've played it for so long now, I don't know how to be anything else! I don't even know how to... Oh it don't matter! Bloody family! I've finished with them! What do they do to you, eh? They hold you back, drag you down, (on the verge of tears) and then they break your bloody heart!

Rodney:
(whispers) I'm sorry.

Del:
I'll have a Malibu & tonic with some lime and half a lager, please, darling.

Maureen (bar maid):
In the same glass?

Del:
No, in separate glasses if you don't mind.

Maureen (bar maid):
Well, I don't know, do I? Might have been one of your erotic cocktails, Del.

Uncle Albert:
[shaking his head at Rodney] They must have seen him coming! [Del enters, glaring at Rodney]

Del:
Morning unc.

Albert:
Morning son.

Del:
What's it like out?

Albert:
Oh it's parky Del.

Del:
Nice thick frost, is there?

Albert:
Bit slippery under foot.

Del:
Good. Lovely little flecks of snow?

Albert:
Bit of sleet yeah.

Del:
Cushty. Nice brisk northerly wind howling in from the Urals is there?

Albert:
Cuts right through yer, Del.

Del:
Lovely. Cos you see today Uncle Albert, owing to young Rodney's forsight and GCE's, while all them other plonkers down the market are selling woolly hats and thermal underwear, we are gonna make a right killing. Do you know why we're gonna make a killing? We ain't got woolly underwear. We've got sun tan lotion! And we ain't just a little drop of sun tan lotion... We've got 500 bloody quids worth of the stuff!

Rodney:
I told you before, I bought it as an investment.

Del:
An investment!? Menage a trois! In the middle of the worst winter for two million years, with the weathermen laying odds on a new ice age, this dipstick goes out and buys up Ambre Solaire!

Rodney:
The weathermen are also forecasting a boiling hot summer! So come May or June, we can sell all that, or swap it for something else!

Del:
Like 50 or 60 anoraks, maybe!

Rodney:
You won't give me no credit will ya?

Albert:
Nor will that Paki.

Rodney:
Shut up Albert!

Albert:
Nothing to do with me.

Del:
That £500 that you squandered on this stuff was the last of the company's capital!

Rodney:
Oh, and how was I supposed to know that?

Del:
(incredulous) How were you supposed to know that!? You're the firm's accountant, you wally!!!

Rodney:
Throw that at me now will ya?

Del:
Oh look at that! We've got nothing to sell and no money to buy with.

Albert:
Well it can't be that bad Del there must be something you can knock out.

Del:
Yeah. I know what I would like to knock out

Albert:
What's in the van?

Del:
Nothing

Albert:
What's in the garage?

Rodney:
The van.

Del:
The only thing we've knocked out in the last month was that electric deep fryer I gave to the governor of the Nag's Head and I'm waiting for a comeback on that!

Rodney:
[gesturing at Albert] Well, it's him, innit? I mean ever since he came to live here, we've had nothing but bad luck!

Albert:
What's he on about now!?

Del:
Oh, I don't know!

Rodney:
Alright, what about the time he was in the Navy!? Every single ship he ever sailed on either got torpedoed or divebombed! Two of them in peacetime! Del, that man is a jinx!

Del:
Oh, leave it out, Rodney! Gordon Bennett, you'll be burning witches next!

Rodney:
I've been thinking...

Del:
Leave it out, Rodney, we're in enough trouble as it is.

Rodney:
(after Albert fell down the open cellar door of the Nag's Head) There's nothing wrong with him. He said so himself.

Del:
How does he know that? He might have hit his head and got percussion.

Del:
The worstest thing of all, Your Honour, is these sudden bouts of amnesia. They have led to him having some very nasty falls.

Judge:
I fail to see the connection. How can amnesia cause one to fall?

Del:
He keeps forgetting he can't walk.

Del:
The only hole he hasn't fallen down is the black one in Calcutá.

Del:
(about Albert) He's been down more holes than Tony Jacklin!

Mental Mickey:
We like looking like this. We're Marxist, Trotskyite anarchists.

Rodney:
Yeah!

Del:
Why do you want to be superstars then?

Mental Mickey:
Because we want to be rich Marxist, Trotskyite anarchists.

Del:
(after Rodney gets kicked out of the Bunch of Wallies) You didn't honestly believe all that rubbish, did you? That you and them wallies were destined for the Albert Hall, Carnegie Hall! The only hall you were destined for was Sod All.

Del:
I remember what Mum said on her death bed. She said to me: "Del," she said, "please give little Rodney all the encouragement that you can. Never, Del, never hold him back."

Rodney:
She didn't half say a lot on her death bed, didn't she?

Del:
What?

Rodney:
Whatever the subject is, Mum had something to say about it on her death bed. She must have spent her final few hours in this mortal realm doing nothing but rabbiting!

Del:
You are walking a bleeding tightrope here, Rodney!!!

Rodney:
No, hang on! Right, you remember last week we were having a row about whose turn it was to go down the chippy, yeah? And you claimed that Mum said on her death bed: "Send Rodney for the fish!"

Del:
Yeah well, I'd had a few, hadn't I?

Rodney:
Oh great man.

Del:
Oi Ringo. I hope my huffing and puffing ain't troubling you.

Rodney:
No sweat man.

Del:
Well it certainly ain't coming from you ya lazy little git.

Marlene:
Did you have a nice Christmas?

Del:
Oh, terrific, yeah.

Marlene:
I had a dog.

Rodney:
Yeah? We had a turkey, same as every other year.

Del:
Come on, Duke. Come on. Cat! Cat! Meow meow cat!

Rodney:
(about Albert) I've said it before, I'll say it again: that man's a right Jonah. I reckon that when he boarded his last ship, the crew shot an albatross for luck.

Del:
(about Duke) When he's comatose, you know, sleep is the best thing for him.

Rodney:
Hello. Yeah who is it? Boycie He turns round sharply IT'S BOYCIE!

Del:
Boycie. WHere is he. Has he come back early or something?

Rodney:
So where are you phoning from then Boyce? You're still over there/

Del:
You never told me it was a Great Dane

Del:
Remember a couple of months ago, when I took you on that blind date?

Rodney:
Remember it? I'm still having therapy for it?

Del:
I don't know what the younger generation is coming to. They can't even swear without effing and blinding.

Rodney:
(upon losing a chunk of hair to one of Del's super-sharp combs) I'm going bald. Derek, I am 24 years old and I'm going bald!

Albert:
That's supposed to be a sign of something.

Rodney:
Yeah, it's a sign that I'm going bald.

Denzil:
You want to hear a sob story? I can tell you a sob story. I have just found out that my wife has been lying to me.

Rodney:
No!

Denzil:
Yeah. Every morning she says she's going to leave me and, when I come home at night, she's still there.

Albert:
I can't swim, Del.

Del:
You used to be a sailor.

Albert:
Don't mean a thing. Nelson couldn't swim.

Del:
Of course he couldn't. He only had one bloody arm. He would have gone around in circles, wouldn't he?

Rodney:
He's something else ain't he? And what about all the currents they got round here? We could have drifted anywhere by now.

Del:
Yes, he's right and all ain't he? We're in the middle of the North Sea ain't we? It's got more currents than a hot-cross bun.

Del:
Can't you just find The Bear?

Albert:
Well what does it look like?

Del:
Well it looks like a bloody rabbit don't it!!!

Del:
Holland?!

Gas Man:
What!

Del:
Which way to Holland?!

Gas Man:
It's over there!

Del:
Thank you John! (to Albert) Albert turn left, Holland is that way. (to Rodney) See Rodney, don't know where to go you just got to ask.

Del:
We got lost in the middle of the north sea. Luckily we spotted the Zeebrugge to Hull ferry and followed it.

Abdul:
And that's how you got to Hull?

Del:
No! That's how we got to Zeebrugge, it was going the wrong bloody way!