Only Fools and Horses, Series 6 (1989)

Del:
You've always been the same, even at school. Nothing but books, learning, education. That's why you're no good at snooker.

Del:
All the things we've ever got from life has come from my intelligence, and my foresight.

Rodney:
Well, I'm glad somebody's owned up!

Rodney:
This flat is in a wonderful position, isn't it? I mean, fifteen minutes from the West End, it's fifteen minutes from the motorway...

Uncle Albert:
And fifteen minutes from the ground.

Del:
(to Trigger at the bar in a yuppy club) I think we're on a winner here Trig, play it nice and cool son, nice and cool. You know what I mean? (falls through bar) Drink up Trig, we're leaving.

Del:
Well it was one Sunday many years ago!

Rodney:
Where was I?

Del:
You was down the Mountbatten estate selling them gas conversion kits.

Rodney:
You bastard!!! You sent me all the way down there knowing I had chicken pox just so you and Annie bleedin' Oakley could have the flat to yourselves.

Del:
It weren't like that Rodders! I was trying to present you with a challenge.

Rodney:
What, selling gas conversion kits on an all electric estate? That is a challenge and a half.

Mickey Pearce:
Jevon! Jevon!

Jevon:
What?

Mickey Pearce:
See the blonde bird? I've had her! And her mate. See that black sort at the back there? She's crazy about me! Phones me all the time.

Jevon:
You're one hell of a man, Mickey.

Rodney:
Mickey, are you doing this for charity?

Mickey Pearce:
What d'you mean?

Rodney:
Well, I just wondered whether it was sponsored bullshit.

Mickey Pearce:
I'm telling you the truth, Rodney!

Del:
It's a videotape recorder, isn't it? It's got a little computer and everything. When you go on your holidays, this thing will record all your programmes for you.

Uncle Albert:
Amazing!

Del:
Yeah, nothing but the best.

Uncle Albert:
How does it know when you're on holiday?

Del:
You send it a postcard, don't you?

Uncle Albert:
I thought the bloke you bought it from said an idiot could work it?

Del:
Yes, yes, yes, that's right yes! Rodney! Come along, it's gone six o'clock!

Rodney:
Yes all right! Keep the noise down, will you?

Del:
Cor blimey, look at the state of that, I've seen blokes crawl out of potholes looking smarter than that.

Rodney:
Del, these dolls ain't called Barbie or Sindy. These dolls are called Lusty Linda and Erotic Estelle.

Del:
You can't have dolls with names like that.

Rodney:
You can if you go to the right shops!

Del:
Bloody hell! What have we got ourselves into here?

Rodney:
Well this is your fault! You just go rushing into things and to Hell with the consequences!

Del:
That's because I've got a high profile!

Rodney:
Yeah! High profile and low forehead!

Uncle Albert:
They're big for little dolls, ain't they?

Rodney:
Unc, they ain't... ordinary dolls. You see them advertised in... magazines.

Uncle Albert:
(starts to hunt around the living room) Where's that Radio Times?

Rodney:
Albert, have a day off, will you! I mean... seedy magazines, for kinky, sleazy little men.

Uncle Albert:
You're pulling my leg!

Rodney:
Oh, am I? You have a look at this, then! (produces an adult magazine from his jacket)

Del:
No chance of that happening with Rodney, is there? World War III! This plonker can't even get Channel Three!

Rodney:
Have you actually read the instructions to your video recorder?

Del:
No I haven't actually read them why?

Rodney:
Well why don't you do that small thing Derek? I think you'll find it really interesting. Because we have instructions in German, Spanish, French and Italian and not one single word in English. And that's why you're machine don't work. It was made strictly for sale in Europe

Del:
But we are in Europe. We're in the common market aren't we?

Rodney:
Yes I know that but we have a different electrical system to the rest of Europe. And that's why you're machine's on the blink. Its components are burning out. It is what's technically known as "knackered."

Mike:
What is the matter with everyone today? Trigger's done nothing but moan, you've got a face like a constipated rat. At least when Del Boy comes in, he cracks a joke and has a laugh!

Boycie:
It is due to the activities of the aforementioned Del Boy that I have a face like a constipated rat! Derek popped in to see me this afternoon.

Trigger:
How is he?

Boycie:
A lot richer than before he popped in to see me this afternoon. He sold me some video recorders, 70 pounds each, I snapped them up.

Mike:
70 nicker each? What, they fall off the back of a lorry?

Boycie:
If they did, they were going around the bend in Düsseldorf!

Mike:
How'd you mean?

Boycie:
I've just discovered that these machines only work on the continental current. To make them work on the British system, would take a transformer the size of a suitcase, and an electrician of such genius I'd have to go head-hunting at Cape Canaveral!

Rodney:
Why have I got bloody cornflakes again?

Albert:
It's cause I can't get any food in that freezer it's filled up with tomatoes he bought last week.

Del:
Hello, Cassandra, very pleased to meet you. Rodney has told me all about you. Don't worry, I'll try not to shout it all about.

Cassandra:
That's very nice of you, Derek. Rodney's told me all about you as well, although I must admit I didn't believe him... until now.

Arnie:
Doctors gave me six months to live.

Trigger:
Well, you don't want to take too much notice of these doctors, Arnie. They'll say anything to get rid of you.

Rodney:
(upon seeing the chains) What'd you do, rob Mr. T?

Del:
(to Boycie when Arnie has his "heart attack" in the restaurant) It's Arnie, he's having a Connery!

Boycie:
Don't panic. I am a doctor. Stand aside, stand aside, let the dog see the rabbit. (checks Arnie's pulse) Oh yes, very nasty he needs an operation. (searches Arnie's pockets for the key to his handcuff)

Old Woman:
He's not a doctor. He's mugging the poor man.

Boycie:
Oi!

Greek Man:
You... (punches Boycie on the nose)

Old Woman:
Call the police.

Restaurant Manager:
Yes madam, I call the police.

Del:
It's all right they'll be no need. I am an officer of the law.

Woman:
(looking at Del's height) Policemen are taller than that.

Del:
I'm a small town policeman. All right sunshine you are knicked. (grabs Boycie and takes him out of the restaurant) Come on, out you go! Rest assured madam when we get him down the police station, we'll give him a bloody good hiding. Come on you!

Denzil:
(to Arnie's sons, Gary and Stephen) Wotcha fellas!

Stephen:
What's happening?

Denzil:
Get in! (before climbing into back of the ambulance behind Gary and Stephen and locking the doors).

Del:
(threatening to hurt Arnie with a set of vicious-looking bolt cutters) Calm down, Arnie, calm down! You'll give yourself a heart attack!

Albert:
Bloody fair, innit? A young feller like Rodney stops off to have dinner with a bird and leaves the carrying to an old chap like me.

Del:
(under his breath, mocking Albert) They've got no respect these days.

Albert:
They've got no respect these days.

Del:
(under his breath, mocking Albert) You fought in the war, didn't you?

Albert:
I fought in the war, didn't I? I fought so that kids like Rodney could have freedom. And what do they do with their freedom?

Del:
(under his breath, mocking Albert) Anything they bloody like!

Albert:
Anything they bloody like!

Del:
Hang on a minute, just before you go and check in - this prize ain't quite as straightforward as it seems.

Cassandra:
Well he did win, didn't he?

Del:
Oh yes, yes, he won and all that, and it's all pukka and above board, and we're here...

Cassandra:
So what's the problem?

Rodney:
That's strange, you know.

Cassandra:
What?

Rodney:
Well, I noticed it on the plane, but it didn't sort of register. They're all mums and dads - they've all got their kids with them.

Cassandra:
What's strange about that?

Rodney:
Well, except for me, right, all the winners are parents.

Del:
No, it's not the parents that are the winners, Rodney... It's the kids.

Cassandra:
What do you mean?

Del:
Well Rodney's painting won first prize... in an under 15 year old category.

Rodney:
(stunned) Say again?

Cassandra:
So they think Rodney's 15?!

Rodney:
Is that right?

Del:
No. They think you're 14.

Rodney:
14? (to Cassandra) They think I'm 14!!!

[Cassandra dissolves into giggles.]

Rodney:
Why didn't you tell me this back in England?

Del:
Well I thought it might cast a little cloud over the holiday. Look, Rodney, I sent your painting off in good faith. I didn't know there were lots of categories, but you're the one who wrote on it, "Rodney Trotter, aged 14 1/2", so the organisers must have put you in the kids category. So it's your fault, that you wrote on it.

Rodney:
But how was I to know that in 12 years' time, you were going to enter it into a cornflake competition?

Del:
Well how was I supposed to know that you'd win? Come on Rodney, it doesn't matter, you're going to waltz through it!

Rodney:
Waltz through it?! - how the hell am I gonna pass for 14?!

[Cassandra is beside herself with laughter.]

Rodney:
(icily) Will you stop doing that, Cassandra.

Cassandra:
(calming down) Sorry.

Rodney:
Act your age.

[This sets Cassandra off into an even bigger fit of laughter.]

Rodney:
(to Del) This is your fault. I am going to break your bloody neck!

Del:
Go on then, Rodney, off you go.

Rodney:
Eh?

Del:
Go on, you're going with the Groovy Gang!

Rodney:
I ain't going with the sodding Groovy Gang!

Rodney:
Sorry about the bad language, Cassandra.

Cassandra:
What bad language?

Rodney:
(through the door to Del) GET IN HERE NOW, YOU DIPSTICK! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!

Rodney:
Del Boy, thanks to you, I am now a 26-year-old man who has come second in a skateboarding competition!

Del:
Second? You was in the lead when I saw you!

Rodney:
...I fell off.

Del:
There is nothing wrong with me, I just have normal pains.

Uncle Albert:
When you cam in tonight you just flopped straight down in that chair in agony.

Del:
"You don't understand Unc, that is PMA!

Rodney:
I thought it was only women who got that?

Del:
No! Rodney that is PMP! PMA is positive mental attitude, It's the new buzz word, it's what all us yuppies get.

Elsie Patridge:
The spirits are with us. A man has stepped forward. A tall, elderly man wearing a black coat and a black hat. He wished to speak to someone called Audrey... No, no Aubrey.

Del:
Aubrey?

Boycie:
I am here.

Rodney:
Aubrey?

Boycie:
It's my middle name.

Trigger:
You never said your name was Aubrey.

Boycie:
Nor would you if your name was Aubrey.

Boycie:
This piece of paper. It's not a log book for a Cortina is it?

Elsie Patridge:
(to Boycie, about the ghost of his father) He says you must be a good father. You must look after your child.

Boycie:
Is he having a pop at me or something?

Uncle Albert:
Elsie, Boycie and his wife Marlene can't have kids.

Del:
Yeah they've been trying for years but nitto.

Rodney:
Yeah he's had tests, things frozen, the lot.

Mike:
The hospital have just about given up with him.

Trigger:
He's low on something.

Boycie:
(completely furious) Would you mind not discussing my personal life with strangers? You can tell my old man to keep his nose out of my business he was always going on at me for not giving him a grandchild.

Del:
All right calm down. (grins) Aubrey.

Boycie:
You can pack that in for a start. I'm gonna get a drink [He rises] It's all a load of rubbish anyway I never believed a word of it. [He considers] Excuse me.

Dr. Robbie Meadows:
You've got to make a decision, Mr Trotter: we can either save you or the baby.

Del:
Robbie Meadows, you old git.

Dr. Robbie Meadows:
Del please.

Del:
Sorry. Doctor Meadows, you old git. What you doing here?

Dr. Robbie Meadows:
I've got good news and bad news Del. The good news is they put me in charge of your case.

Del:
What's the bad news?

Dr. Robbie Meadows:
I specialise in amputation.

Del:
Good one. So how come you're in charge?

Dr. Robbie Meadows:
Accident really. I was chatting to some collegues when the name Derek Trotter came up, so I asked to see your GP's notes and look at your tests. I was amazed, I found myself reading about this non smoking, tee-total, celibate, vegetarian health freak. I thought to myself can this be the same Derek Trotter I know and begrudginly admire? That wheeling dealing Pina Colada lout, the Castella king, the curry coniseur, the same man who's lived his life on fast food, fried bread and doubtful women?

Del:
Was it?

Dr. Robbie Meadows:
Yeah it was.

Del:
What's she doing?

Trigger:
She's going like this... (shuts his eyes, leans back and groans)

Del:
You know who that is don't ya?

Trigger:
Sounds like Jimmy Saville

Del:
Jimmy Saville? That is our mother

Trigger:
Sorry Del Boy. Dave.

Rodney:
[scornfully] Jimmy Saville.

Del:
That's right bruv. Cheek.

Alan:
You don't like those sort of surroundings, do you? I mean, champagne, caviar, country clubs...

Del:
Oh no, Alan, I hate it, I hate it, all put on. I mean, them people just do things for effect.

Del Boy:
[to Mickey and Jevon, after learning the Driscoll brothers are after him thanks to them] If I end up propping up a flyover on the M26, I guarantee you two will be at the next junction!

Danny:
Boycie, how nice!

Boycie:
Hello Danny. Your brother not with you?

Danny:
Yeah. (Tony pops out from behind him)

Boycie:
Oh watcha Tony. Drink?

Tony:
Nah! That right, Marlene's up the spout?

Boycie:
Yeah.

Danny:
Dear dear dear. You let us know the minute you find out who done it and we'll sort him out.

Danny:
Del Boy around?

Mike:
No, I ain't seen him this evening.

Danny:
Well that's funny his van's in the car park and what's this? A castella and a Malibu Reef? You sure he ain't around. Think hard, Guv'nor.

Mike:
Well he may have been in earlier and then he left.

Danny:
I see, you just had this place decorated?

Mike:
(proudly) Yeah.

Danny:
Shame. I want to buy everyone in the pub a drink, whatever they want. Now there's a pound, and I want change.

Tony:
You owe us £2000. You got the money?

Del:
Course I ain't. I ain't sold the phones yet have?

Danny:
Don't give me all that Derek. Them two munchkins Ebony and Ivory took the phones off us three months ago.

Del:
Three months? I didn't know that Danny.

Danny:
Do you think we're stupid? (Del doesn't answer) Do you think I'm stupid? If you don't cough up that two grand I'm gonna take his collar and lead off and let him loose on you! (Tony grins at Del menacingly)

Danny:
When Tony and me were kids, we was very very poor. Our old man used to work in on of them old mansion houses. He worked from 6 in the morning til 8 at night and what for? A pittance.

Tony:
A shilling a day and an horseshit sandwich.

Danny:
One day, there was a robbery at the mansion, and the Bill arrested our old man and there wasn't any evidence was there?

Tony:
Just finger prints.

Danny:
Just finger prints.

Tony :
And eye witnesses.

Danny:
A Couple of eye witnesses. They found the jewels on him.

Tony:
It was a plant.

Marlene:
I didn't know Rodney's middle name was Charlton.

Del:
Oh yeah, it was me mum. She was a fan.

Marlene:
Oh what, Charlton Heston?

Del:
No, Charlton Athletic.

Mike:
Listen, I’ve er heard of the Driscoll brothers Del but I’ve never seen them. What do they look like?

Boycie:
Well one of them looks like he was evicted from The Planet of the Apes

Del:
Yeah, and the other one reminds me of Cliff Richards

Mike:
What, he looks er younger than his years?

Del:
No, he’s got one of those faces that you wanna slap

Rodney:
You don't like baseball, you always called it "silly boys rounders".

Del:
Yeah, that's before i knew that it was in, now-a-days it's the kinda game that guys like me and Steven enjoy

Steven:
What do you mean "Guys like me and Steven"?

Del:
Well, yuppies.

Steven:
Yupp... Derek, I am not a yuppie!

Del:
You are Steven.

Steven:
No, no I'm...

Del:
No take it from me son, you are!

Del:
Brandy please, Pamela.

Pamela:
Armagnac?

Del:
Yeah, that'll do fine if you're out of Brandy.

Stephen:
And Africa is where it's at. Recently Joanne and I spent little time down in Afrique sur-mer.

Del:
Fabrique belgique.

Stephen:
What is a female swan called?

Del:
Got it. It's a bic.

Jevon:
(while Del is handing out sandwiches on the coach) You've got to give Del his dues, ain't ya? He did all the catering by himself.

Mickey Pearce:
Oh, leave off Jevon, can you imagine Del Boy standing in the kitchen cutting up all them loaves? He probably got some idiot to do it for him.

Trigger:
No, I made them for him. (Mickey nods at Jevon, to prove his point.)

Sid:
(annoyed that he wasn't asked by Del to make the sandwiches) Oi.

Del:
(who is halfway down the coach aisle, taking the sandwich crate to Mike, as Denzil, the previous man responsible for them, has admitted to an ear infection) Yes?

Sid:
I want a word with you.

Del:
Yeah, what is it, Sid?

Sid:
I run a cafe, right?

Del:
(looks around) Yeah, right, so what?

Sid:
So why didn't you ask me to make the sandwiches?

Del:
Well, the explanation is simple. We intend to eat them.

Sid:
(clearly hurt) Oh. All right. (He puffs on his cigarette.)

Del:
Alright then. (He leaves.)

Alan:
(when Harry, the coach driver, suddenly becomes drunk) It's no problem. You just chuck him on the back seat, let him sleep it off.

Boycie:
Chuck him on the back seat? He's the driver!

Trigger:
What d'you think's wrong with him?

Mike:
What do I think? Well, snow-blindness would be my bet, Trig.

Trigger:
Yeah? I thought he was pissed.

Rodney:
Cass? You still there? Our coach has just blown up!

Uncle Albert:
I remember once just after the war.

Rodney:
Oh don't start, Unc!

Mickey:
We've had enough of your stupid stories for one day. Albert!

Del:
Oi, oi, oi! Watch it! He's a war hero, he's got a right to speak!

Uncle Albert:
I fought for free speech!

Del:
(to Albert, venomously) Shut up!

Del:
(to Rodney, who just got thrown out by Cassandra for punching her boss on the nose) Alright bruv, sort it all out?

Rodney:
That's it! Finished! Kaput! That was her last chance!

Raquel:
Good evening, Rodney.

Rodney:
I have never been so insulted in my life!

Del:
Well sit down bruv, let me have a go!

Raquel:
Rodney, you'll have to at least talk to her sooner or later. There'll be things to be discussed.

Del:
Yeah, like who gets custody of Barbie and Ken.

Del:
(in the kitchen, talking to Rodney about why Raquel is sleeping in Rodney's bedroom) You don't get it, do you? You see Raquel, Raquel is a lady, and when a lady's ready to to... well when she's ready to, she will let me know.

Rodney:
How?

Del:
She'll give me a sign.

Rodney:
Like what?

Del:
I don't know?

Rodney:
Maybe she'll put an advertisment in the Sunday Sport, eh?

Rodney:
Me wife doesn't love me, me mum's left me, and some bastard's nicked me bike.

Neighbour:
Erm, it's gone midnight!

Del:
(waving his fist in a threatening manner) Well go back to bed then.

Del:
Look, is there anything I can do to help?

Rodney:
Yes, piss off!

Rodney:
Well thanks to you, my wife now thinks I'm having a passionate affair with the siren of the exhaust centre, and you've offended my neighbours!

Woman:
People are trying to sleep!

Rodney:
Shut up!