Party Down, Season 1

Ron:
Do you know what you get when you hire a Party Down catering team? At Party Down we have a simple motto: it's your party, you deserve to enjoy it, but how are you going to enjoy the party if you're worried about whether the shrimp cocktail has been sitting out too long, or is there enough ice, or do the guests think the party is lame, or are they stealing stuff, or are they going through the medicine cabinet because they're nosy or because they think they might find something that'll give them a rocking buzz? I used to do that last thing. Not anymore. Clean and sober.

Hostess:
Um, wow, that-that-that's quite a motto...

[Henry is forced to wear the larger Ron's shirt]

Casey:
Ah, you're going for your own look.

Henry:
Yeah-

Casey:
It's nice.

Henry:
-Yeah, I thought I'd go for the "helpful gay pirate" kind of thing.

Casey:
[mock consolingly] You don't look helpful.

Ron:
Actually, I learned this at the sensitivity seminar, that we do not use that word, okay? I mean, I'm not, but we don't know who may be...

Casey:
A pirate?

Henry:
Helpful?

[Constance has overheard a party guest make an un-PC joke]

Kyle:
F***ing intolerance blows! [Constance prepares to spit] Woah, what are we doing here?

Constance:
I am going to spit on all the appetizers because I can't remember which ones he was eating.

Kyle:
No, you know what: there's other things we can do than spitting.

Constance:
Like what? [disappointed] I love spitting.

[Henry has quit acting]

Party guest:
One last thing: nobody ever accomplished anything by quitting. You know, what if Ronald Reagan quit?

Casey:
Quit acting? He did.

Henry:
Yeah, that's actually where I got the idea.

Bruce:
Henry, what is the craziest place that you ever made love?

Constance:
Yeah.

Henry:
...A bed.

Constance:
What did he say?

Bruce:
Wow.

Constance:
What did he say?

Bruce:
"A bed."

Constance:
What did we ask him?

Bruce:
I don't know.

Constance:
That's a leg?

Ron:
Made footless! By pot.

Ron:
[pointing at the Powerpoint presentation of their host] Hey Roman, Google me in ten years, that's going to be me.

Roman:
The only way I'm Googling you in ten years is if you get very creative in the way that you kill yourself.

Constance:
[in a low voice; imitating a cow] Mooooooo! You can milk me if you like. My tits are fuuuulll.

Lisa:
Cramsey.

Henry:
I'm sorry?

Lisa:
My new name. 'Cause like I do a lot of anal. So it's like "cram it up there," you know, like cram it.

Henry:
I get it.

Roman:
Hey, Ronald, I'm gonna go river boating on the Mississippi. I need something to measure depth. Can I borrow your dick?

[all of them wearing white suits and pink ties]

Ron:
I wanna show Mr. Stiltskin what true professionalism looks like.

Roman:
Like f***ing ass-clown? I feel like Lou Ferrigno in this motherf***er.

Henry:
We look like we're in the gay secret service or something.

Ron:
Today this boat isn't just a boat. It's a fairy tale fantasy land where every boy's a playa and every girl's a bitch.

Constance:
Rick Fox, he's the guest speaker.

Roman:
On what topic? How the wealth I made from my pituitary abnormality relates to your dipshit corporate hell?

Kyle:
[about Rick Fox] Dude that tall, I bet his dick's like two feet long. Probably like f***ing a handsome giraffe. I mean, he could be in one room f***ing her and in the other room reading a magazine. I bet when he gets a boner, it's it's like half a hula hoop.

Constance:
I was once involved in a workplace romance. It kinda got out of hand. It was a sex explosion. It's really the only way I can describe it. We did it constantly, in vans, in bathrooms, in the bushes. It was non-stop sex.

Ron:
Hello? Is this work?

Constance:
This is work-related, Ron. We f***ed in the sink. We f***ed in the dinghy.

Kyle:
You know, acting is like crime. But instead of using guns or clubs, I assault you with emotions.

Joe:
Or even knives.

Bobbie:
Grab your destiny by the balls and squeeze hard. I'll bet you've never done that in your career.

Henry:
No, I wouldn't even know where destiny's balls are.

Melinda:
I mean, you might've told me you were married before I f***ed you.

Mark:
Would you have f***ed me if I told you I was married first? Gotta split. Good seeing you, Melissa.

Bobbie:
This is going to be absolutely magical...

Roman:
I believe you mean absolutely gay.

Bobbie:
Don't be such a homophobe. Nothing gay about a gay wedding.

Uda:
That's gonna be strike one. One more and I'm gonna report you to Alan Duk.

Roman:
You know there are three strikes in baseball.

Uda:
Well, this isn't f***ing baseball, weasel face! It's catering!

Ron:
Oh man, what are you gonna think when you walk into a Soup 'R Crackers you see me shaking hands with Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Henry:
"The fuck am I doing in a Soup 'R Crackers?"

Ron:
[as he is burning the American flag in order to make it look like it's been through battle] You can be two things in life: You can be an achiever or you can be a fuck-up.

Henry:
Ok, and which one are you being right now?

Ron:
I'm an achiever!

Henry:
Well, then, I'm definitely a fuck-up. I gotta say, standing here watching you light a flag on fire in a parking lot... I feel kinda okay about it.