Peep Show, Series 1

Jez (This is f***ing wicked. I'm almost definitely a musical genius. Maybe a tattoo... on my chest... but... of my face. Yeahh! Double me! Feel it!)

Mark:
(You're not a paedo. You're definitely not a paedo.)

[While boarding the bus]

Mark:
(Yes! "I am the lord of the bus!" said he.)

Mark:
(Women don't like your hands under their bottoms, Mark. That's been established, that's a given.)

Mark:
(Those kids have no idea whatsoever of what went on at Stalingrad. Although I can in no way compare my struggle reading it with that of the Red Army, it has been a very big read. )

TV:
I'm basically looking to meet someone like myself.

Mark:
(Pfftt. That's exactly the opposite of what I'm looking for.)

Jez:
Now I know how whatshisname felt when he finished the Mona Lisa... Knackered.

Mark:
(I don't want to go to Waitrose. I want a f***buddy.)

Mark:
What does your sister do?

Toni:
Not much. She's got leukaemia.

Mark:
(That's what you get for trying to flirt.)

Mark:
That's terrible. I'm so sorry. I suppose... I mean, at least it's not cancer.'

Toni:
It's a form of cancer.

Mark:
Man. That's terrible. My gran... died of cancer. Although, hopefully, your sister... won't. Obviously. Listen, let's talk about something else. Something fun.'

Mark:
(Maybe he doesn't mind. Maybe nobody minds about things as much as me.)

Mark:
(You can have good relationships with people who scare you. Just look at me and dad.)

Mark:
You know Kerry, cancer Kerry, I need to find out, for a friend, the name of that Chinese doctor she was raving about, do you remember?

Jez:
Sure. It was Doctor Ying Fu Yip... Wang Shong... Pang Fang Wang... Dang Dong Ning Po Ku.

Mark:
Oh right. I see. I get it. You were lampooning me. It was a simple lampoon.

Super Hans:
Oh what? So... Mr... Ocean Colour Pants doesn't get it? Well, quelle f***ing surprise.

Super Hans:
It's not who you know... It's who you blow.

Boy:
Hey look, it's clean shirt.

Mark:
(Clean shirt? What does that even mean? Isn't that good?)

...

Boy:
F*** off clean shirt!

Jez:
You're a posh spaz.

Mark:
Oh really? Well I'd love to know in what way I am a posh spaz.

Jez:
In the way that you do posh, spazzy things like... tidying up and... ironing your socks.

Mark:
I do not iron my socks!

Jez:
Socks, shirts, whatever!

Toni:
I tell you, you find out who your real friends are when you set fire to Hampton Court maze because you can't take any more of your husband's shit.

Jez:
(If I laugh at everything she says, I'm bound to at least get a suck job.)

Jez:
(Jesus. How did I get trapped with her? She's definitely the most boring person here.) [Looks at group of people] (I mean, they look great, they're probably talking about how they're going to make a real life porn movie with a proper story and everything... I could do the music.)

Jez:
(I mean, you can't catch cancer... I'd have heard... Someone would've said...)

Jez:
Listen to you, you beautiful... crazy thing... I meant, the cancer.

Paula:
I'm sorry? Which cancer?

Jez:
The bloody cancer! Eating you away!

Paula:
Ok... Would you like it if I did have cancer?

[Leaving Sophie on the bus, having failed miserably to woo Toni the previous night]

Mark:
(Yeah that's the way, Sophie is the one. Toni is Russia: Vast, mysterious, unconquerable. Sophie is Poland: Manageable... won't put up too much of a fight.)

Mark:
See, by the winter of 42, the whole city was surrounded by the massed 6th army, it was pressing and pressing, the Russians couldn't hold on much longer, many wanted to submit...

Toni:
Mark, you know I just don't bang anyone, yeah. I'm not some kind of next-door f*** jar.

Mark:
No, no, of course not, what I mean is that the German supply lines were stretched, Zhukov countered and the siege was broken. And that's the story of Stalingrad.

Mark:
[Putting on socks.] (I wonder what kind of socks Sophie wears. Do women wear socks? Well, yes, sometimes, is the answer to that. Socks before or after trousers, but never socks before pants, that's the rule. Makes a man look scary - like a chicken.) [Jeremy walks by, wearing only socks.] (He just does not give one solitary shit.)

Mark:
[Before having toast for breakfast] (Brown for first course, white for pudding. Brown is savoury, white's the treat. Of course I'm the one who's laughing because I actually love brown toast.)

Jez:
Super Hans says he's come up with a bass loop for our new track that is so good, that when he tried turning it off... he literally couldn't... he actually physically couldn't do it.

Mark:
(Work-shy freeloader.)

Jez:
(Tight-fisted cockmuncher.)

Jez:
(You wouldn't ask the Chemical Brothers to do your laundry for you; they'd be off their tits.)

Mark:
(I mean, what's the worst that could happen? She could say no. Actually, that would be terrible. It would destroy me if she said no.)

Mark:
(People like him should wear stickers; they've got them for their cars. Oh, yeah, great idea, Adolf.)

Mark:
How's your day going thus far? Did you have a nice shower or bath?

Sophie:
Why, do I smell?

Mark:
God, no, you don't smell. I mean, you smell nice. Not that I've smelt you.

Jez:
(Super Hans said he'll be here in twenty minutes. That means I've got at least an hour.)

Mark:
[Drawing a cartoon.] (What the hell is that? That is very gay, that's what that is. Come on, go crazy. You're hungry, like the wolf.)

Jez:
We are NOT the Hair Blair Bunch!

[Changing his mind about leaving the Nazi cartoon on Sophie's desk]

Mark (A bloody swastika! That is the single worst, single, bloody idea ever. I mean, a swastika!?) [Discovers the cartoon has disappeared from Sophie's desk] (It's gone! It's happened! Oh yeah, do what Jeremy would do! Thanks Jeremy you tit!) [Bangs his head twice against wall]

Toni:
So, what you're saying is, these products are essential? The kind of products no one could do without?

Jez:
Well... You're kind of making me say that.

Mark:
(She's ignoring me. Of course she's ignoring me, this morning I sent her a bloody swastika.)

Mark:
[Trying to open his desk drawer] (Why don't I get this fixed? Why don't I ever get this f***ing thing fixed?! Every night it's f... Ah, it always comes out eventually, f*** it.)

Mark:
I mean, not that.

Jez:
The first thing to say would be that this is not pyramid selling.

Mark:
You're doing pyramid selling?!

Jez:
No, no, not pyramid selling.

Mark:
I can't believe you're into pyramid selling.

Jez:
Listen, listen. It's not pyramid selling, it's... network... marketing and it's a guaranteed money making... Mark! I've seen the, the charts!

Mark:
Oh the "charts". There are "charts". Why didn't you tell me about the "charts".

Jez:
Are you... trying to... piss on my bonfire?

Mark:
I'm trying to... protect you from... pissing all over yourself.

Jez:
I'm not about to piss... all over myself. I'm... I'm pissing into the... bigtime.

Mark:
Listen, Jeremy, you don't seem to understand. Nothing you want is ever going to happen. That's the real world. Your hair isn't red, people don't walk around on stilts. Maybe somewhere you can earn a living sitting around, drinking margaritas through a curly plastic straw, but in this world, you've got to turn up, log on and grind out.

Jez:
But, yeah, if you get in early ...

Mark:
(Maybe she will think it was charming. Yeah, maybe. Just keep clear of her till you've worked out a - I could say Jeremy had a gun and made me sing it ... because he's a crackhead and he does that sort of thing all the time. Yeah, that sounds great. Me living in my crackhouse. Maybe you could be a crackbitch and sit on my -)

[He sees Sophie]

(Shit! Shit, sugar, fudge, piss, poopants, bollocks.) [In the stationery cupboard.] (Blitzkrieg! I'm in the Ardennes! You can't touch me in the Ardennes.)

Mark:
(Everything's okay in the cupboard. I'm safe in the cupboard.)

Jeff:
Mark. You're in the stationery cupboard.

Mark:
That's right, Jeff.

Mark:
(I'll be able to order him around. Not horrible, just... Jeremy, could you file this for me? Jeremy, could you take that for me? Jeremy could you suck this for me?... Jesus! Where did that come from?)

[Interviewing Jeremy, for a filing position]

Barbara:
...now, do you have any experience in this field?

Jez:
Eh, I've done quite a lot actually, I mean not formal filing, but you know, alphabetabecising the videos, doing the spices, I suppose what I'd want to do is build on that experience in a professional... zone, SPHERE. I meant, sphere. (God, that sounded amazing, don't accidentally get the bugger!)

Barbara:
You're doing great...

[she ticks "Poor" in the "Experience", "Knowledge" and "Performance level" boxes on her sheet]

Jez:
No, challenging is right... Umm... But, a bit more of a relaxing challenge, more like doing a crossword than a tracheotomy.

Jez:
You're pissing on my bonfire!

Mark:
There is no bonfire!

Jez:
That's because you keep pissing on it!

Mark:
(Well that was a f***ing disaster. I want compensation. I want reparations. I want the Rhineland. It's going to be 1919 all over again, f*** the inevitable backlash.)

Mark:
I like you. Is that such a crime? Should I be hounded to the ends of the earth, just for liking you? I like you, and if you can't handle it, you can just, you know, f*** off.

Mark:
(Life is all pain. Pain, rejection and gloom. Why do we even pretend that there's anything other than a yawning blankness at the heart of... Hey! 33% extra free! I'm doing excellent shopping. My depressed state of mind is making me even more frugal than normal.)

Jez:
You realise tinned food is just for crackheads and wars.

Jez:
I just came here to tell you we've been invited to a very wicked party.

Mark:
Do I look like the kind of man who goes to wicked parties?

Jez:
But, it's better this way... two guys... we've got to get out there! Grooving! Doing it! You know? I mean, it's been a long time for either of us, I mean, I haven't had my oats in something like two weeks!! (Nine months and thirteen days.) I mean look at us! [Holds up a tissue box] People are going to think we spend the whole time wanking.

Mark:
(Ok, well, I'm here, so I'll just sit here and drink. No one can stop me doing that. Just drink myself to death.)

[In a toilet cubicle with Toni, Jeremy and Valerie]

Mark:
(I've got to take Jeremy's advice more often: I'm out on a date with a teenage goth, smoking pot in the Lazerbowl toilets... this is it. This is literally, it. This is the sort of thing people do when they're having a good time.)

Mark:
(I've been initiated. I am a drug user! F*** the police!)

Mark:
What if I lose it? I'm not gonna do a poo am I, Jez?

Jez:
[Eating chicken wings] (This should be in the bag. Why isn't this in the bag? She looks like she hates me.) [Toni looks on in disgust]

Jez:
What? It's eat as much as you can.

Toni:
No, it's eat as much as you'd like. There's no competitive element involved.

Jez:
At 3.99, I think I know who's winning.

Jeff:
So Valerie, who's your favourite member of S Club?

Valerie:
Oh, I'm not really into them. But I hear they have a big gay following. [mimes oral sex]

Mark:
For the worst thing that could possibly happen, this is actually going extremely well.

Mark:
(Don't think about it. If you don't think about it, it won't happen.)

Mark:
I'm bowling all right, I'm bowling FRUIT! I've reached the next level, I've gone BEYOND!

Mark:
(She does look kind of great in my pajamas. That's sick. Why is that sick?)

[Discussing politicians with Mark and Alan]

Jez:
What I mean is that they should be more honest. I mean, at least Tony Adams from the IRA, he's like "Yeah, I shoot people, I like shooting people!" I mean, if they were more honest, then maybe people would vote and not switch straight over when the news comes on.

Jez:
Mark likes Israel, I'm Palestine. Makes it much more interesting if you pick sides.

Super Hans:
You passed out after the love beans... thought the table was being ironic.

[In flash back of drug induced state]

Jez:
(Floss is boss, Floss is boss).

[Begins to strangle Super Hans with dental floss]

Jez:
FLOSS IS BOSS! FLOSS IS BOSS!.

Mark:
(This is the worst thing to happen to anybody ever.)

Mark:
(Good old unfriendly Mr. Patel. Never says a word whether you're buying corn flakes, fabric softener... or gay porn.)

Super Hans:
We're going to have parties that go beyond fun and actually get a bit nasty.

Jez:
Will you walk, like some stupid.. duck? Or will you drive, like Clarkson?

Jez:
The bad thing. That was the bad thing.

[Cut to shot of Super Hans performing oral sex on Jeremy the previous night]

Super Hans:
Alright. My turn now.

Sophie:
Are you sure you can get home from here?

Mark:
Hmmm. (You can never go home again. Winter's coming. Is this Stalingrad? Is this where it all ends?)

Jez:
Look mate, I'm next door. I heard you. Your... noise. Last night.

Super Hans:
Oh, that. That was nothing. That was... press-ups.

Jez:
Yep, well, you certainly seemed to enjoy the last few... a lot.

[Entering Barbara's empty office late at night]

Mark:
(Hey Barbara, thought we should have a follow up meeting re: the phones thing... Oh, you're not here.) [opens desk drawer] (Well, I'll just leave my new idea in your desk, give you time to think about it. Yeah, so my new idea is urine.) [urinates into drawer] (Loads and loads of urine, flooding your drawers. What do you think about that? Don't you think that would be just the ticket?) [urinates on a folder on the floor] (Yeah, you're getting some too!) [phone rings, Mark answers] JLB Credit, f*** off please!

Therapist:
Often I like to kick things off with a bit of word association. It's kind of a fun way...

Mark:
Is it therapy?

Therapist:
Not really, no. I'll just say a word and you tell me the very first thing that pops into your mind.

Mark:
(He's trying to therapise me.)

Therapist:
Okay, let's start with an obvious one. Work.

Mark:
(Snake-pit.) Snake... charmer.

Therapist:
Just say the first thing that comes to mind. Money.

Mark:
(Everything.) ...not everything.

Therapist:
Children.

Mark:
(Blind.) Uh, short.

Therapist:
Father.

Mark:
(Führer.) Football.

Therapist:
Mother

Mark:
(Sophie.) F***! No, not f***!

Therapist:
Have you ever done a Rorschach test? Just tell me what you see.

Mark:
(A hairy twat. A hungry, devouring twat) ...a kitten?

Jez:
(This was definitely a good idea. There's no chance this wasn't a good idea.)

Mark:
It's payback time.

Jez:
And she's paying back... in fear dollars!

Mark:
(I've made a psycho call to the woman I love, I kicked a dog to death, and now I'm going to pepperspray an acquaintance. Something ... I mean, what's happened to me?)

Sophie:
I hope when you're back on my team, we can get back to normal.

Mark:
Your team? (Heal and grow. Heal and grow.) Well, I guess it's very nice for the big lady to come down here and talk to the little man. I'm just surprised you can see me from all the way up there in your ivory tower.

Sophie:
Oh, if you're gonna be like that, you can f*** off.

Mark:
(Can't do it. It's too much. I'm not American; I can't date.)

Jez:
(I'm gonna blow this gaff wide open.) Uh... yeah. I spent, uh, some time with Ray before he... went and I just wanted to say that, um, I think we should all remember that Ray, by the end... he loved Jesus. Now I know, Liz, there's no proof for Jesus, but then there's no proof for lots of things like science or the stock market and... we believe in them. Look, what I'm trying to say is that if I was dying and I decided that even though I'd never particularly been into say, uh... Enya before, but that now I really really was into Enya and that in fact I thought Enya was great and that Enya died for our sins and I wanted an Enya themed funeral with pictures of Enya and lots and lots of mentions of... Enya. Then I think it would be a bit bloody rich for my sister to ban all mention of Enya from my funeral! Yeah?

[Everyone applauds, Liz frowns]

[Discussing life and death with Mark]

Sophie:
Sometimes, we're so wrapped up in the nonsense of life...

Mark:
Right yeah... I mean, if I want an Xbox, why don't I just get an Xbox?

Sophie:
[confused] ...yeah.

Mark:
(You're losing her) It's a brief candle... a bloody brief candle.

Jez:
('Abandon self-cherishing, love only others'. Yeah well Mr. Dalai Lama, I suppose you've got to be a suck-up if you haven't got your own country.)

[Kissing Sophie at Jez's uncle's wake]

Mark:
(Oh, my God. Umm... What about my abnormal knackers? Ooh, this is nice. How weird are they? What I really need is a good, long look at another man's bollocks. But that's so fraught with potential problems.)