Penn & Teller: Bullshit!, Season 5

[Penn talks about how people should not try to stop eating because we are wired to eat.]

Penn:
If you have the willpower to overcome several billion years of evolution, cool, more for the rest of us. And you can stop f***ing too, cool, more for the rest of us. Thanks.

Penn:
You know, our pal Marvin Minsky, pioneer of Artificial Intelligence at MIT, says: "I don't work out because we don't know yet enough about the long-term effects. It appears that each hour of exercise may add two hours to one's life - but I don't know of any evidence that this leads to getting better ideas."

[A hippie scene, while Teller is painting a Wal-Mart vest on a woman's otherwise bared torso]

Penn:
Now hold on, this isn't some Wal-Mart lovefest. Sometimes, they're really assholes. In 2000, Wal-Mart reportedly paid $50 million to settle a lawsuit filed in Colorado by 69,000 workers who had been forced to work off the clock. In December 2005, Wal-Mart had to pay $172 million to 116,000 California employees for not giving them their legally-mandated 30-minute lunch breaks. So that's at least, uhh... 185,000 people who had a legitimate beef. And, uhh...don't spread it around, but I'm kinda-sort've a Target guy myself.

Penn:
The fight to stop Wal-Mart has happened in small towns and big cities alike, all across the country. We went to one of those towns: Greenfield, Massachusetts, population 18,000. Greenfield is not just "Everyone's Hometown". It is, most importantly, my hometown.

[Penn stresses the importance of colon cancer screening, while displaying images from his own colonoscopy.]

Penn:
And then there's this asshole... Sometimes it must seem like I'm talking out my asshole. This time, I literally am.

[After hearing a colonic irrigation "therapist" say that a colonic irrigation treatment cleans out junk that lodges in a subject's colon]

Penn:
That's bullshit. Your colon is not an English muffin. It doesn't have nooks and crannies. If we didn't put Chris through all this stupid shit today, he would've simply shat out all that shit tomorrow. It's as easy as that.

[A videotape of an exorcism is shown. On video, the minister prays over the subject, pours oil on his head, and then throws a bucket of water over him.]

Penn:
(Voiceover) Apparently these demons are vulnerable to a splash of olive oil. Maybe they're made of low density lipoproteins?

Subject:
[on video] Ugggh! Get away from me! You motherf***ing asshole!

Penn:
(Voiceover) Took the words right out of my mouth.

[Two Hispanic men looking like Penn & Teller come up to the camera. The subtitles are in the corresponding (inaccurate) translation of the language - English subtitles for spoken Spanish, Spanish subtitles for spoken English]

Faux Penn:
Me llamo Penn Jillette, y éste es mi socio Teller. ¿Qué chingados está pensando este güey? Los inmigrantes tomamos los trabajos que nadie quiere hacer y eso mejora--

[Translation:
My name is Penn Jillette and this is my partner, Teller. What the f*** is that asshole thinking? "Illegal" immigrants are taking the jobs that no one wants to do and that's quickly improving our way of life.]

Penn:
What the f***? What the f***ing f***? What the f-- get the f*** out of here! These are our jobs! What the-- what the f***? Star! These are our jobs!

[Translation:
¡Largate de aqui! ¡Estos son nos trabajos! ¡Star! ¡Estos son nos trabajos!]

Star:
[off camera] But the other guys are cheaper!

[Translation:
Pero los otros tipos son mas baratos.]

Penn:
You are so f***ing fired. And turn off this subtitle shit! This is America!

[Translation:
Estas tan despedido, pendejo. ¡Apaga ese pinche subtitulo. Estamos en los Estados Unidos!]

[Teller kicks the subtitle header, it veers off view]

Faux Penn:
Mientras América ofrezca la libertad y la oportunidad, las personas vendrán aquí con las rodillas manchadas de sangre. ¡Simón, güey! Como sus abuelos o bisabuelos lo hicieron. Una persona valiente para dejar su casa, la tradición, y la familia, para venir a América y trabajar para una mejor vida, para él o para ella misma y su familia, deberán de recibirlos con los pinches brazos abiertos.

[Translation:
As long as America offers freedom and opportunity, people will come here on bloodied knees. F*** yeah! Just like your parents or great grandparents did. A person brave enough to leave home, tradition, and family, to come to America and work for a better life, for him or herself and his or her family, should be welcomed with open f***ing arms.]

Penn:
And if you can mow lawn, or build fences, or juggle, or do tricks, or write comedy better or cheaper than what we've got, we'll hire your f***ing ass. And will use all the time and money and effort you're saving us to-- to live a little. And you know, it's still our names on the f***ing show. See, I told you we'd get tits in the show somehow.

[Translation:
Y si tu corta cespedes o costruye las cercas, o juegos malabares o, hace las artimanas o escribe la comedia mejor o mas barata que lo que hemos obtenido, emplearemos la bola de cabrones. Y utilizaremos todo el tiempo y el dinero el esfuerzo que salvas, a vivir un poco. Y tu sabes, todavia estan nuestros nombres en el show. Ya ves, que de alguna manera los agaramos.]

Penn:
"Provide a Clear and Comprehensive National Mandate for the Elimination of Discrimination Against Individuals with Disablities." That's what the Americans with Disabilities Act says it's gonna do. What the f***ing f***? What is wrong with us? Have we all gone f***ing crazy? We think the government is so good at what it does, the war on drugs, the war on poverty, the war on war. The government is so f***ing good at that, they can f***ing do anything? They can make us all physically equal, they can heal the lame, they can make the f***ing blind f***ing see! How about the government sticks to courts, police, defense, and corruption, and leaves compassion to people that f***ing have that! Motherf***ers!

Penn:
Decadence is a freedom with a smile.

Howard Richmond:
It sounds a little pompous, but I do believe that I have a gift to tune into people. Some people would refer to it like I'm the psychic pianist.

Penn:
It's not pompous to say you're psychic. It's BULLSHIT TO SAY YOU'RE PSYCHIC!! But I digress. I'm not angry.