Psych, Season 6

Shawn:
Sorry, I was too busy James Bonding it up in here.

Gus:
What happened?

Shawn:
Do you want the good news or the bad news?

Gus:
What do you think?

Shawn:
I am not your mother.

Gus:
He didn't say that, Shawn. What's the bad news?

Shawn:
DRIVE!!

Shawn:
Alright. Can I get out of here? I've just about solved this case.

Lassiter:
ONE question.

Shawn:
If it will make you happy.

Lassiter:
I think it will. [Pause] Are you psychic?

Shawn:
Excuse me?

Lassiter:
Are you, Shawn Spencer, psychic?

[Everybody is silent, Shawn looks up toward his father for help.]

Henry:
You're gonna have to answer that one, Shawn.

[Lassiter hooks up Shawn to a polygraph machine]

Lassiter:
First question. What is your name?

Shawn:
There is a murderer on the loose.

Lassiter:
That is not your name.

Lassiter:
Partners do not lie to each other, because partners put their lives in each other's hands.

Shawn:
Please explain to me again we're doing here. As opposed to doing anything else in the world.

Gus:
We're paying respects to a man who dedicated his life's work the police department, Shawn.

Shawn:
Oh, please! You don't know Jim.

Woody:
Guster, your cholesterol is really high.

Shawn:
Man, I told you eating something called "stick of butter in a bun" was a bad idea!

Gus:
I can't help it, Shawn, my body craves buttery goodness.

Shawn:
You're buttery.

Gus:
You know that's right.

Shawn:
Oh, my gosh! You disgust me! You make me sick to my face.

Gus:
What happened last night?

Shawn:
Strangely, I have no idea.

Shawn:
[pointing to Lassiter's gun in the fish tank] Uh-oh!

Lassiter:
MY BABY!! [picks up gun and pauses for a minute] It's missing three bullets. I can tell by the weight.

Shawn:
What about me fellas? I'm not having any psychic visions, or flashbacks or recreation flashbacks OR recreation flashbacks with new psychic visions. Imagine you weren't just a bland, gangly average human, that you could wink at someone and-and-and light up their world! That you could make a child think you have given them an ice cream cone without giving them the cone! And then watch them skip off into a beautiful meadow licking nothing but AIR! Imagine that! Imagine that you have a special gift, a sixth sense and someone or something comes along and RIPS it away from you! IMAGINE THAT, JACK! And do you see me giving up?

Lassiter:
Okay, Shawn. Okay. Damn it, I cannot believe I'm saying this, but men, we are in this together!

Lassie:
I think I'm going to turn myself in...

Shawn:
What, for spooning with Woody?!

Woody:
We did nothing wrong...

Chief Vick:
...and Henry Spencer, where are your pants?

Henry:
I'm not entirely sure, Karen.

Chief Vick:
Detective Lassiter, why are you wearing sunglasses at an autopsy?

Shawn:
Chief, if I may. Lassie spoke to us all about a week ago about wearing sunglasses to all autopsies moving forward to show respect for the dead. I simply forgot. And Gus refused because he has no value for human life.

Lassiter:
Oh, dear Lord, please tell me this is a dream.

Woody:
Calm down. Peaches. Come back to bed.

Chief Vick:
Does someone want to explain to me what happened last night?

Lassiter:
Okay, I just want to go on record and say I was on that couch first.

Chief Vick:
I don't even know what that was supposed to mean.

Gus:
Sookie is mine!

[Shawn and Gus have just appeared dressed as vampires]

Shawn:
I can't help being a gorgeous fiend. It's just the card I drew.

Juliet:
What. In the hell. Are you wearing?

Gus:
Charlatan!

Thorn:
Look who's talking. Count Chocula over here; please.

Gus:
Count Chocula? You must be out of your damn mind.

Shawn:
What did I tell you? No one remembers Blacula except for us and Quentin Tarantino.

Shawn:
I'm dangerous in a sexy way.

Marlowe:
More like a gay way.

Marlowe:
It's just a crazy coincidence. These nails were made popular by Jersey Shore.

Gus:
Nice try, Queen of the Damned.

Henry:
JWoww does wear those nails when they go out clubbing.

[Everyone looks at him]

Henry:
What? I'm not saying I'm buying her story.

Henry:
How much blood was it exactly, Shawn?

Shawn:
It was just a small stream. It wasn't like the end of Carrie or the beginning of Carrie.

Shawn:
Are you sure this water is holy?

Gus:
Yes! I had Father Wesley bless it over the phone!

Shawn:
Over the phone?

Gus:
Yes.

Shawn:
I don't think it works like that.

Juliet:
I used to be a detective; now I'm a babysitter.

Shawn:
Which makes you Elisabeth Shue and Gus is Keith Coogan

Gus:
You're Coogan.

Shawn:
You're Coogan.

Gus:
Your mamma's Coogan.

Juliet:
Okay, you guys are actually devolving.

Shawn:
It's a gift that I bust out on rare occasions and almost all the time.

Shawn:
Shoot... the... glass.

Shawn:
Look around. You're the fish out of the water here.

Juliet:
Because they're all pretending to be dead, Shawn.

Shawn:
Or perhaps it is us who pretend to be alive.

Shawn:
Come on, let's hug it out.

Lassiter:
I would rather learn to play the harp.

Lassiter:
I have slowly, methodically, been building up a tolerance to chloroform over the last fifteen years.

Shawn:
Dear God, why?

Lassiter:
For a night like this, Spencer.

Gus:
I don't believe it... it must have been some other kind of chemical.

[Gus picks up a handkerchief, sniffs it, and immediately passes out]

Juliet:
Oh, great. Now we have to carry two guys out of here!

Shawn:
Everyone stop whatever you're doing and only pay attention to me.

[Shawn gets caught telling a lie to Juliet.]

Shawn:
I know you know I'm not telling the truth. I know... you know...

Shawn:
Nobody steals on The Catch.

Shawn:
I am something that you never were. I am a bona fide star in the class C municipal Santa Barbara Co-Ed Softball League, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

[Shawn has just accidentally ingested speed]

Gus:
Why are you talking so fast?

Shawn:
Why are you hearing so slow?

Gus:
I'm not dressing up as that mascot again. That was humiliating.

Shawn:
Oh, come on, Gus. You killed it, man. Didn't you hear the crowd go nuts when you did The Worm?

Gus:
That wasn't The Worm.

Shawn:
I'm sorry, The Centipede.

Gus:
It wasn't The Centipede either. I was dealing with an itch on my stomach. I think that suit has fleas.

Izzy Jackson:
Listen, Shawn, don't take this the wrong way, but I'm on a bit of a hot streak of late. I don't want you coming in, messing with my swing. Because I have a tendency to over think things.

Shawn:
That surprises me.

[Gus is on the phone. Shawn is driving Gus's car, dressed in the Seabirds mascot costume]

Gus:
Shawn, where are you, and where's my car?

Shawn:
I'll explain it all when I see you! I'm only a couple of minutes away.

Gus:
What are you doing?

Shawn:
Driving around for a bit to make sure no one's following me. You left your blinker's out, by the way. Get this; I have some good news, and some bad news, and some good news. Here's the good: I know who killed Izzy.

Gus:
What was the bad?

Shawn:
The killer may know I'm onto him.

Gus:
And what was the other good?

Shawn:
He may think that me is actually you.

Gus:
Wh- How is that good news?!

Shawn:
I meant good for me!

[Gus realizes someone is standing behind him, pointing a gun at him]

Gus:
[Laughing] Doctor! Burton Guster, Central Coast Pharmaceuticals. I'd love to talk to you about your psychotropic needs. Oh, my gosh. Are those Laker tickets in your pocket?

Shawn:
They tell me I got something called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. But, uh, the truth is this lustrous hair and dimpled chin are merely chapter one. I'm a veritable cornucopia of high-octane maladies, such as outrageous intelligence syndrome. And a little obsessive successful disorder.

Lavender McElroy:
Goodness. I've never encountered a patient who suffers from so many diseases that don't exist.

Shawn:
Well, they, uh they exist where I come from.

Lavender McElroy:
And where is that?

Shawn:
The future.

Shawn:
I'm plenty sick, Wendell! Pill time, everybody! It's pill time! Pills, Come get your pills!

Lavender McElroy:
Orderly, restrain the patient.

Gus:
Yes, ma'am.

Shawn:
You can't catch me, McElroy! I'm gonna keep doing this! I'm gonna keep drivin' around in circles until I get hungry! And then I'm gonna eat that fountain! I'm like the ice cream man except I have barbiturates! Ha!

Shawn:
Besides, the Doc said I could take these [mittens] off an hour ago.

Juliet:
Then why are you still wearing them?

Shawn:
The inner lining is so soft. I think it's Alpaca. Maybe baby muskrat. You gotta check this out.

Gus:
I don't want to, Shawn.

Shawn:
You're gonna be sorry.

Gus:
Fine. Wow, they are supple. Try it, Lassie.

Lassiter:
Enough with the stupid mittens! They are quite soft...

Shawn:
Guys, I am getting some very strong psychic vibrations that we need to at least consider the possibility that Bernie is legitimately insane.

Lassiter:
What?

Shawn:
[shakes his head]

Juliet:
Are you sensing something else?

Shawn:
No, no, just some water stuck in my ear from this morning's free swim.

[Kenny G.'s "Songbird" plays]

Bernie:
No! No!

Bernie's Brother:
Bernie, shut up. Shut up!

Bernie:
Make it stop! No!

Bernie's Brother:
Would you shut up?

Bernie:
Make him stop! Make him stop!

Gus:
Don't move!

Bernie:
Turn it off!

Shawn:
All right, Bernie, all right.

Gus:
Wait, wait, wait. Not yet, Shawn. My favorite part is coming up.

Shawn:
What? What are you telling me? That you're a Kenny G. fan?

Gus:
A little bit, yes. This song.

Shawn:
I gotta be honest, I've never minded this song either.

Gus:
So you know that's right.

Shawn:
It's really, really smooth.

Gus:
Groove to it, Shawn.

Shawn:
I don't know about grooving, Gus.

Bernie:
Make it stop! Ah! Turn it off!

Gus:
Ooh, ooh.

Shawn:
Oh, yeah.

Shawn:
Spoiler alert! I'm making you a wallet.

Juliet:
Oh, my God. This is worse than my nightmare. You like it here.

Frank:
So Burton, how long you been a single man?

Gus:
How do you know I'm single?

Frank:
How much time you got?

Juliet:
I can't believe you hired my father!

Gus:
For the record, I did not hire your father...

Juliet:
Oh, you're in this, Gus, you're in deep. You're an accomplice. In fact, if this were a crime, you would be in cuffs right now.

Juliet:
Where are you off to, Frank?

Frank:
Ah, nowhere! Just... Thought maybe you could handle things from here.

Juliet:
You know, it's funny. After Mom kicked you out and changed all the locks on the doors, I always wondered how you would sneak into my room, and leave little gifts on my nightstand. And eventually, I just figured out that you are really good at taking apart a window and putting it back together. In an out. Like a ghost.

Frank:
I don't know what you mean, Jules.

Juliet:
God, you are such a coward.

Frank:
There's no need for that.

Juliet:
Actually, there's a long overdue need for it. Your life has been so starved of honesty, that the second you feel it creeping around the corner, you are out the nearest door.

Frank:
I'm sorry you feel that way.

Juliet:
It's not a feeling, Frank. It's the truth. [Frank turns to walk away.] I'm not done. [Frank stops and turns back toward Juliet.] Look, I don't know if you've realized this, but I'm not a kid anymore. And I am not going to sit around and waste my time, and my tears, on missed recitals and birthdays, but what really breaks my heart... Is that you won't be there for all the moments to come.

Frank:
We don't know that, Juliet.

Juliet:
Yes, I do. Because that's my choice. And I don't want you there.

Frank:
You don't mean that.

Juliet:
Sadly, I mean every word. Because I feel cheated. I feel robbed. So congratulations, Frank. Your longest con of all was on your own daughter.

Shawn:
Your father's coming to your birthday! I arranged the whole thing!

Gus:
We.

Shawn:
We arranged the whole thing!

Juliet:
You did what?!

Gus:
HE arranged the whole thing.

Shawn:
We're so far off the grid I think we may be back on the grid.

Shawn:
Gus, I think we're in a Children of the Corn situation. Gus, drive, drive!

Gus:
But there's people!

Shawn:
Doesn't matter! Plow through them!

Gus:
But they're smiling!

Shawn:
Then they'll die happy! Just drive!

Lassiter:
[about a fleeing Eli] Should I shoot him in the leg?

Shawn:
Nah. Dot's got mad wheels. [Dot grabs Eli by the neck and tackles him to the ground. Milosh then runs up and begins to hit Eli with his shoe. Shawn and Lassiter wince.]

Shawn:
We got serious business to attend to.

Henry:
Serious business? You're going to an opening of a new cupcake store.

Gus:
No, we're going to a closing of an old cupcake store.

Shawn:
And then we're going to the opening of a new cupcake store.

Henry:
Bring me back a red velvet.

Juliet:
You're acting like a child, Shawn.

Shawn:
I AM NOT ACTING!

Gus:
We take our hand-held entertainment very seriously.

Shawn:
[Shawn answers his phone call with Gus] Well, it is about time!

Gus:
Shawn, this is the fourth vacation you paid for on my credit card!

Shawn:
How are my plants?

Gus:
Is that her second slab?

Lassiter:
I have never seen a woman eat ribs like that in my life except in caveman drawings.

Gus:
Chelsea, it was a pleasure meeting you, but I need to head to Ojai to kill my best friend in the world.

Lassiter:
And I need to help him bury the body.

Gus:
A paper trail of deceit.

Shawn:
Hey, look, I was a victim here, too, man.

Gus:
Shawn you robbed me. As far as I'm concerned, you're no different then the thieves who robbed you of the thing you robbed.

Shawn:
Okay. Remember to water my plants thrice daily, but do not speak to them or they will not shut up. Especially Jim.

Gus:
Jim's the ficus?

Shawn:
He is indeed.

Shawn:
We don't need friends! I have Gus and you have... whoever your friends are.

Juliet:
Shawn, you're embarrassing me.

Jacqueline:
I've worked with professionals, mercenaries, compromised double-agents, and yet no one's behavior has been as utterly confusing as yours.

Shawn:
Thank you.

Jacqueline:
It's not a compliment.

Shawn:
Well, it depends on your definition of 'confusing', doesn't it?

Despereaux:
Don't you just hate people that kill you?

[sitting in front of Lassie's "haunted" hotel after he tried to kill Gus]

Juliet:
Is there anything I can get you?

Lassiter:
[pause] I wouldn't say no to a Sloppy Joe.

Shawn:
[excited] YOU PLACE IS HAUNTED!

Juliet:
You kiss her, you die.

Shawn:
Duly noted.

[Gus leaves Tony and Drake on a street corner so he can go take a picture of a gang leader/suspect]

Tony:
If he not back in five minutes, we go get the BB guns.

Drake:
Oh, you know that's right.

Tony:
Let's hope she doesn't have enough bullets in that to shoot all of us.

Tina:
This gun holds ten rounds.

Drake:
Well, let's hope she shoots Gus ten times.

Tina:
Get in the closet.

Tony:
Oh, hell, no. You ain't gonna be talking me crazy, alright. We don't stuff ourselves in any tiny spaces, alright? That's where I draw the line!

[Drake points directly at Gus]

Drake:
Yeah, that's right! You're gonna have to shoot this man with all ten bullets if you want us to go in some damn closet!

Gus:
Are you crazy, Drake?!

Woody:
I cannot thank you enough for believing in me!

Vick:
I didn't. I believed in your colleague who turned out to be a homicidal maniac.

Lassiter:
How many "get out of jail free" cards does a guy get?

Shawn:
Two, duh. One in Chance, one in Community Chest.

Shawn:
Well, much like Lady Gaga, I was born this way.

Shawn:
Just because you put syrup on something don't make it pancakes.

Juliet:
I don't take it personally that Shawn took on Thane's case. Even though I'm fairly certain that he is guilty.

Shawn:
And I don't take it personally that Juliet feels that way. Even though she simply couldn't be "wronger".

Lassiter:
[smiles] You two are so breaking up over this. And Spencer, remember, all convicts say they're innocent or they're framed or stop choking me. But at the end of the day, Thane Woodson is guilty of something.

Shawn:
Not according to the Innocence Project.

Lassiter:
Which is why they're high on my list of enemies. Right behind Internal Affairs, UNICAF and Lance Bass. [Juliet and Shawn look at him] Don't ask.

Lassiter:
So when things fall apart with Spencer and you, Marlowe and I met the perfect person.

Juliet:
That means that person is in prison... and is a woman.

Lassiter:
Which one of those is the problem?

[At a crime scene]

Gus:
Who's the big scary dude?

Shawn:
Gus, that's Carlton Lassiter. You should know this by now.

Gus:
So do we go with Lassie or your dad?

Shawn:
Worst. Options. Ever.

Shawn:
Shawn Spencer. That is my partner Sh'Dynasty. It is spelled S-H, comma-to-the-top, dynasty.

Jordan:
"Comma-to-the-top"?

Gus:
That's God's comma.

Shawn:
Know this, Jordan. I'm on to you. Like fat... on a fat person.

Shawn:
Well, the plot, unlike your hair, continues to thicken.

Shawn:
This kid has Matel Electronics Football 2! The one where you can throw passes! Suck it hyphens!

Shawn:
Dude, I just got us diplomatic immunity. What do you wanna steal?

Juliet:
You have to admit, he's done a better job than we have of slowing down the Caminos, and he's just one guy!

Shawn:
I'm just one guy! And I've solved more crimes than I can count. Because I have solved a lot of crimes, not just because I can't count very high.

Juliet:
Yes, but you have a supernatural psychic gift. The Mantis is solving crimes using his natural instincts and sharply honed abilities.

Gus:
She's right Shawn. I mean, if you were a regular guy solving these crimes, that'd really be impressive. But everyone knows that you're psychic. I mean, it's really an unfair advantage.

Shawn:
I know I'm in the doghouse.

Juliet:
Oh, you're not in the doghouse.

Shawn:
I'm not?

Juliet:
No, you're going to have to work really hard to make it in to the doghouse.

Shawn:
OK, so I'm in the yard, which is still an enclosed area. [sees Juliet's expression] Unless I'm in the pound. Jules, am I in the pound?! Where's Gus? Is Gus with me?

Gus:
Why do I have to be in the pound?

Shawn:
So we can get adopted together like two inseparable weenie dogs.

Shawn:
Gus, we may have a Children of the Corn situation happening here....Gus, drive, drive!

Gus:
There're people around.

Shawn:
Plow through them!

Gus:
They're smiling.

Shawn:
Fine, they'll die happy! Floor it!