Queer as Folk, Season 3

Michael:
You got what you wanted.

Justin:
So did you! From the first night that we met and he took me home and fucked me, you have wanted me gone. Well, Mikey, you finally got your wish. There's nothing standing in your way anymore. He's all yours.

Lindsay:
So you'd rather be alone than be with the one person who loved you enough to almost put up with all your bullshit.

Brian:
I never loved him! And even if I did, I'd never ask him to put my needs above his, or be something he's not to make me happy. Tell him if he's not getting what he wants, then go find it someplace else.

Michael:
[tastes Debbie's sauce] Ugh! There's no meat in this!

Debbie:
The girls wanted vegetarian.

Michael:
Lesbian lasagna.

Debbie:
For Christ sake Michael, it's not like you have to eat pussy.

Michael:
Mother!

[Brian walks in on Michael and Ben undressing about to have sex]

Brian:
I leave you two alone for five minutes!

Michael:
Christ, Brian! How'd you get in here?

Brian:
My widdle key.

Michael:
Ben's just moving in.

Brian:
Suffering Sappho. You too.

Debbie:
The new boyfriend. I'm Debbie; I've been keeping an eye on Sunshine ever since he left home.

Ethan:
Sunshine?

Debbie:
You got a problem with that?

Ethan:
No. No problem.

Brian [to Justin]:
I hope you get what you want.

Michael:
You must really love him.

Brian:
I told him from day one I don't believe in love, I believe in-

Michael:
-fucking, yeah I know.

Trick:
That was one of my top ten fucks.

Brian:
Yeah. Definitely one of my top ten... thousand.

Emmett:
You're just jealous because we have what you don't.

Brian:
Anal warts?

Ted:
A loving, mature relationship... [to Emmett] open up for the choo-choo boo-boo!

Debbie:
Since when do gay guys use their fists?

Michael:
I don't know how you do it. Working all day, fucking all night.

Brian:
Well, they say in the vast infinite of space, the faster you move, the slower you age. I have to believe the same holds true for Pittsburgh.

Brian:
I understand. You're in a committed relationship with your... what is that hideous expression? Significant other. Loser.

Ben:
He is hurting inside. And the more he's hurting the more he tries to hide it.

Debbie:
What an incredibly kind, compassionate thing to say. You really are a hell of a nice guy.

Ben:
Thank you, Debbie.

Debbie:
Fuck nice.

Craig:
What about Brian?

Justin:
We're not together anymore.

Craig:
Finally, some good news. I'm glad to see you've come to your senses.

Craig:
No father could have ever been prouder of his son than I was of you.

Justin:
Now you're ashamed.

Craig:
… No.

Justin:
That I'm not the man you wanted me to be? I am the man that I want to be. I'm the only man that I can be. If you can't be proud of me for that, then that's your problem.

[Lindsay tells Melanie if she wants to have a child, she should have it herself]

Melanie:
It's that she's braver. And stronger. And a better woman than I'll ever be.

Debbie:
That's the biggest load of horse shit I've ever heard. I'm not telling you it isn't scary, because it's fucking terrifying. And I'm not telling you it isn't painful, although it seems I've forgotten that. But I am telling you that having a kid is the number one top-rated experience in my life. And I'd hate you to see you deprive yourself of all of that because you think you're not woman enough.

Justin:
I could be poor for a long time...

Brian:
Well, knowing your tastes, you'd better not be.

Emmett:
You know the one thing I wish more than anything in the world right now? I wish that I could talk to my best friend, Teddy. He's always so wise and caring and now he's my boyfriend and well, there's just some things you can't say to your boyfriend no matter how much you love him.

Ted:
What is it?

Emmett:
I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean, I must be crazy. I no sooner get together with this really wonderful guy, then I go and do something with someone that means absolutely nothing to me. I mean, why do I do these things?

Ted:
Because you've never met a cock you didn't like. It's part of your charm, so don't be so hard on yourself. That's your best friend speaking. But as your boyfriend, I have to say that what you did was a flagrant betrayal! I'm not sure that I can ever trust you again. Then again, as your best friend, it's understandable you'd give into temptation. I mean, you've been single all these years. It's not easy to just settle down overnight. Still, it's one thing to know that as your best friend. It's another thing to accept it as your lover.

Emmett:
I'm sorry, Teddy. For hurting you and for destroying what we might have had.

Emmett:
I don't blame you for hating me.

Ted:
I don't hate you. I love you. I know you very well... and I still love you.

Emmett:
Are you saying that as my best friend or my lover?

Ted:
Both.

[on the phone]

Michael:
Where are you?

Brian:
Where you never grow old. Where everything is beautiful!

Michael:
That's a sizeable chunk of change for Boyfriend Replacement Therapy.

Brian:
I don't have a boyfriend. I've never had a boyfriend.

Debbie:
Do you know what MYOB stands for? [Ted and Emmett looks confused] Mind Your Own Fucking Business.

Ted:
Shouldn't there be an F in there?

Justin:
What's it for?

Brian:
It's for the center Carnival.

Justin:
[Laughs] You fucking hate the center!

Brian:
Not when they're paying me. So how much do you want?

Justin:
It's for a good cause, so it's free.

Brian:
Christ — didn't I teach you anything?

Justin:
500.

Brian:
200.

Justin:
500; take it or leave it.

Brian:
I like the way you do business.

Melanie:
There's no fucking way Brian Kinney's fucking sperm are doing the breast stroke up my Fallopian tube!

[Debbie shows up at the gym]

Michael:
Mom, what are you doing here?!

Debbie:
Same thing you are.

Brian:
Cruising for a blow job?

Michael:
Jesus, Ma, you already go to the same bars and same clubs as I do, now you gotta come to the same gym? Can I have one place in the world that's my own?

Debbie:
Do you want to be work out buddies?

Emmett:
Honey, all you need is a little refresher course. And who better to instruct you then Professor's Honeylocust and Schmidt?

Ted:
Doctor's of Cardiology.

Ethan:
Now, why do you have to be so antisocial?

Justin:
I'm not antisocial. I just can't stand people.

Brian:
Just give me one valid reason why any queer in his right mind would wanna bring a kid into this world?

Michael:
Hm...

Bran:
You can't think of one, can you?

Michael:
Wait a minute! Hold on. [he thinks of a reason] To piss off straight people.

Brian:
Yo bitches, I'm offering to lend a hand.

Melanie:
Beat it.

Brian:
That's what I'm offering to do!

Ethan's friend:
You're not just a pretty face.

Justin:
No. I got a pretty big cock as well. And I give one hell of a blow job. Right, Ethan?

Justin:
I guess I better go.

Brian:
Tell Ian we missed him!

Melanie:
I had that dream again!

Lindsay:
Mr. Sperm Donor Pageant? Who won this time?

Melanie:
Guess.

John [to Brian]:
You still a fag?

[Brian walks into the Diner with his nephew]

Ted:
Hey Bri, got yourself a new boyfriend?

Emmett:
He's even younger than the last one!

Debbie:
Who's the cutie?

Brian:
He's the spawn of Satan and my sister.

Debbie:
I thought I recognized a family resemblance.

Michael:
What are you doing with your nephew?

Brian:
I'm brat-sitting.

Emmett:
Does this mean you two will be related?

Brian:
Yeah. Lesbians once removed.

Ben:
I try not to think about it. Some days I even succeed.

Vic:
I know what you mean. But then something always happens to remind me. Touch of the flu, someone donating sperm, a lover who dies...

Brian:
Don't get wound up about it.

Michael:
I'm half-Italian, half-drag queen; I'm allowed to get worked up!

Joan Kinney:
This is what happens when you turn your back on the lord.

Brian:
Fuck the lord... and fuck you.

Brian:
Where's your wife?

Ted:
Went home to her mother.

Brian:
I sincerely hope you find the dream that satisfies your existence. But in the meantime, why don't you have a drink?

Debbie:
When's the last time you voted?

Brian:
Let's see... that would be the Big Basket contest at Woody's.

Brian:
May the best self-serving son-of-a-bitch win.

Jennifer:
Have you registered?

Emmett:
Yeah, I signed up yesterday.

Ted:
You did?

Emmett:
I asked you if you wanted to take strip-aerobics.

Ted:
I believe Jennifer means to vote.

Debbie:
Which one of you said hold the mayo?

Brian:
That would be Mr. Miracle Whipper.

Debbie:
[to Michael] Don't be so hard on yourself.

Brian:
I wouldn't mention 'hard on'.

Debbie:
A lot of people freeze up under pressure, you know, it's called Performance Anxiety, right Brian?

Brian:
[nods] Never heard of it.

Brian:
You're still working the streets like any other whore.

Ethan:
I'm not a whore.

Brian:
No you're right. They peddle their asses, you're selling your music. You're, forgive the expression, soul.

Ethan:
What the fuck would you know about forgive the expression, soul?

Brian:
You should do it.

Ethan:
So you can get Justin back?

Brian:
I don't want him. I just hate to see someone holding on to their integrity for no good reason.

Ethan:
I'd expect you to say something like that. You probably would have played for the Nazi's too.

Brian:
If it had kept me alive for one day more you're goddamn fucking right I would. All their asking is for you to play their game. If you're smart, you'll figure a way to play it to your advantage.

Ethan:
I'd rather work the street, thank you.

Brian:
It's your call. But there's nothing noble about being poor.

Justin:
What about me?

Brian:
What about you? You expect him to sacrifice his career for a piece of blonde boy ass? Is that your idea of true love, Sunshine?

Michael:
So there I was stark naked, freezing my tail off, spying on Ben.

Brian:
Was he plucking his magic twangier?

Brian:
The nutty professor a juice-pig? I am so turned on... here, feel!

Brian:
For the life of me I'll never understand why so many gay men want to fuck their bodies up with drugs.

Gardner:
Brian, take it easy!

Jim Stockwell:
It's okay. I don't mind the truth. Even if you use it as an assault weapon.

Brian:
Where'd you get the ring?

Justin:
Ethan.

Brian:
How romantic.

Justin:
Fuck all you'd know about romance.

Sunny:
[Ted and Emmett's new neighbor] So, where's Mrs. Schmidt?

Emmett:
That'd be me!

Emmett:
Back in Hazelhurst, I used to look up at those houses on the hill, you know, where the right people lived. And dream that one day I would live there, too. Now that my dream is finally coming true, I don't want people thinking-

Ted:
-that we're the fags next door. That's what we're gonna be no matter what you do. If they don't say it to our face, they'll say it behind our backs.

[Brian witnesses Ben buying steroids]

Brian:
You're taking him down with you.

Ben:
[slams Brian into a locker] I do not need to be lectured by the biggest whore in Pittsburgh, you are fucking lucky you're not positive!

Brian:
Ben needs more muscles like I need another cock.

Sunny:
You gays can wear anything! Such beautiful bodies!

Emmett:
I would give my left tit-- my left arm, for a Cosmo.

Deedee:
You know, gay people have the same problems that we do.

Emmett:
Isn't it amazing?

Neighbor:
I have a cousin who's a lesbian.

Neighbor's husband:
Big deal. My brother is a tyranny.

Neighbor:
What's that?

Neighbor's husband:
Some people are so ignorant aren't they?! A transsexual. Right, guys?

Ted and Emmett:
Yeah... yeah... that's right. A tyranny.

Michael:
You can't just go around shoving people and acting all crazy!

Ben:
You don't understand anything.

Michael:
Understand what?

Ben:
What it's like to wake up every morning and remember 'oh yeah, I've got this thing,' because you don't have this thing. You never have to take a mouthful of meds, never knowing when they'll stop working, never knowing when a fucking cough or a fucking sniffle may land you in the hospital, because to you, Michael, it is just a fucking cough or a fucking sniffle! And every time I go to kiss you, or suck you, or fuck you, even when we're protected, even then, there is still this shitty nagging doubt that maybe, just maybe you could get infected!

Ethan:
Look, fans are gonna want to meet me. Women, guys, they're gonna want to talk, to flirt. They're gonna think I'm sexy.

Ted [to Brian]:
Since when did you give a shit about over-stepping the bounds, you're always the first to cross them!

Daphne:
[holds up a block of cheese] Smell this.

Justin:
[smells] Smells like some guys I've gone down on.

Daphne:
That is the grossest most disgusting thing I've ever heard! Eww!

Emmett:
We also know that deep down... that you care about us, even though you'd never admit it. Which is why I've--

Brian:
I've already told Ted there's nothing--

Emmett:
I know what you've told him. I also know what you think about Teddy and me. That we're just a couple of silly queens setting up house, it'll never work. Well, there's a time when I would have thought exactly the same thing. But miracle of miracles, I have never been happier in my entire life. And you want to know why? Because he gives me love. And respect. And now it is my turn to give him something back. I swore to myself that this wasn't going to wind up an old Lana Turner movie, but it looks like that's the direction it's headed. So I'm going to make Lana proud. Please, Brian. I am begging you. Help him.

[Stockwell and Brian have finished up playing Racquetball]

Stockwell:
Don't you know you're supposed to let the boss win?

Brian:
Why would I do that?

Stockwell:
Some people might say it's smart.

Brian:
Yeah well, some people are stupid. Why would you trust me if I let you win?

Ben:
What's Vic's new boyfriend like?

Michael:
They're so alike it's uncanny.

Ben:
Same interests? Same temperament?

Michael:
Same disease.

[Michael is threatening to stab himself with one of Ben's needles]

Ben:
Michael, please!

Michael:
Please what? All it would take is a quick jab in the vein and it'd be over in a flash. Hardly feel a thing and then I'd be just like you.

Ben:
I don't want you to be like me!

Michael:
You said you want someone who knows what you're going through. Who wakes up every morning and suddenly remembers 'hey that's right, I've got this thing,' who thinks every time he gets a cold or the flu, 'this is it, this is the end,' who's filled with the resentment and anger 'cause he can never have kids, and who has to shoot himself up with steroids because his lover died, and he's scared shitless he's next and who has to drive away the person he loves and who loves him! Because he doesn't understand! Well, now I will!

Ben:
No, please don't! For gods sake, stop!

Michael:
No, you stop! Stop using this shit! Stop hurting yourself. And stop hurting us.

Justin:
You're a liar!

Ethan:
I didn't want to hurt you.

Justin:
That is so laughably, so pathetically lame, I am not even gonna comment on it! Try something else.

Ethan:
I was- I was covering my ass.

Justin:
That's better. Go on.

Ethan:
I was alone. You weren't there.

Justin:
Now it's my fault.

Ethan:
That's not what I mean. I missed you.

Justin:
So, since you couldn't bare to be without me for one fucking night, you decide to pick up some drooling admirer?!

Ethan:
Basically, yes.

Justin:
So tell me, Mr. Gold, as a last minute replacement, how'd he do? Did he kneel at your feet and worship your huge talent? Did he marvel at your magnificent fingering, did the way you stroke your bow leave him breathless?

Ethan:
It was one stupid mistake! Look how many times you forgave Brian!

Justin:
I NEVER forgave Brian. I didn't have to. Because he never promised me anything. You did.

Ethan:
I need you. I don't know what I'm going to do without you!

Justin:
I'm sure you'll survive. After all, you still have your music. It's the only thing you ever really loved.

Emmett:
Even if worse comes to worse and you have to go to jail, it won't be so bad.

Ted:
How do you figure that?

Emmett:
You'll have time to read, and work out. It'll be like a spa vacation.

Ted:
Oh yeah, I hear the prison guard's do a great herbal body wrap, and the chef's prepare a fabulous light cuisine.

Emmett:
I'll come to visit and we'll make mad passionate love.

Ted:
I doubt the state pen allows gay conjugal visits.

Emmett:
They did in this film I saw.

Ted:
Which one was that?

Emmett:
Jeff Striker Does Hard Time.

Brian [to Justin]:
Do I detest a discordant note in love's tender refrain?

[Brian convinces Stockwell to not pursue the case against Ted]

Ted:
I've been uh, thinking of a way to say this without sounding maudlin, hence incurring your wrath, so I've decided to delete any references to loyalty, friendship, responsibility, and being one's brother's keeper, and go with a simple... thank you.

Brian:
Who said I was buying you lunch?

Debbie:
[About Brian] I'll never figure out why he does that.

Justin:
You mean act like a total shit?

Debbie:
When it's obvious he just saved Teddy's ass.

Ted:
God bless the Village People. True visionaries.

Emmett [to Ted]:
We still have each other. And together, we're going to be just fine.

Brian:
You're going to be a great dad.

Michael:
What makes you so sure?

Brian:
You raised me, didn't you? Look how I turned out.

Ben:
[as Michael goes to throw his shoe at something making noise outside his window] Mikey, save your shoes. That only works on cartoon cats.

Ben:
How old are you?

Hunter:
How old do you want me to be?

Justin:
I can't stop thinking about him. Last night I dream about him again. He somehow learned how to levitate and we were fucking mid-air.

Daphne:
Wonder what that means.

Justin:
Probably that I should see a shrink.

Daphne:
It's only natural that these things take time. You know, you gotta somehow get over it. Move on. Tell yourself 'Ethan's history.'

Justin:
Who's talking about Ethan? I'm talking about Brian.

Justin:
I was going to tell you.

Brian:
When?!

Justin:
After I got the job.

Brian:
Ah, you don't have the job until I sign off. And I don't sign off until I ask the potential candidate a few questions, such as, what the fuck are you doing here?

Justin [to Brian]:
I had no idea that our former relationship was still a problem for you.

[at Babylon]

Justin:
Brian.

Brian:
The ubiquitous Justin Taylor.

Justin:
Fancy meeting you here.

Brian:
Fancy that. Where's your boyfriend?

Justin:
I don't do boyfriends.

Brian:
Since when?

Justin:
Since we broke up.

Brian:
What happened to the love that was gonna last an eternity?

Justin:
Eternity's aren't as long as they used to be. Buy you a drink?

Debbie:
There must be some place you can go, a nice foster family?

Ben:
Yeah, it's better than the streets.

Hunter:
Yeah? At least my client's pay to fuck me.

Hunter [to Ben]:
Who died and made you Superman?

Brian:
...but you're young and inexperienced.

Justin:
What and you're so smart? If you had any fucking brains at all, you'd never would have let me leave! You would have told me I was making the biggest mistake of my life, that I would live to regret it, that what you gave me was worth a thousand... a million times more than anything he had to offer. You would have told me that you loved me. That you would go on loving me even after I was gone.

Brian:
Is that what you were waiting to hear?

Justin:
Yes. But as usual you never said it. So it's just as well that I go.

Brian:
That is so like you! You don't hear what you want, so you leave. Try standing up for yourself for a change. Have some balls!

[Justin grabs Brian, kisses him and walks away]

Lindsay:
I can't understand why people would ever want to leave their house.

Emmett:
When it's so much safer just to close the door.

Lindsay:
But if you close the door, nothing will ever happen, will it?

Emmett:
Well, you'll just sit there in your safe little room for the rest of your life... wondering what might have been.

Emmett:
I feel like the town slut on prom night... again!

Melanie:
It's funny, usually when we go to these events it's for my business and Lindsay's there to support me. But tonight, I'm the wife! [walks away]

Ted:
Yeah... guess I am, too.

Justin:
I gave it some thought, I've decided you should take me back.

Brian:
Oh?

Justin:
Even though I've made a few mistakes. I think you'd be making an even bigger one not to give me a second chance.

Brian:
I see.

Justin:
'Cause now I understand what it is you want of me. And I know what I can expect from you.

Brian:
You also understand that you'll be required to work long hard hours, sometimes deep into the night?

Justin:
It'll be a pleasure to work under you... sir.

Brian:
And you're never to play violin music in my presence again.

Justin:
I promise.

Brian:
Good. Well, then. You can start... immediately.

Emmett:
[About Brian and Justin getting back together] Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?

Ben:
Yes, you are seeing it, the most historic reunification since Germany.

Emmett:
What happened to the fiddler?

Michael:
He fell off the roof.

Justin:
JT giving Rage a blow job isn't just about sex. It's about thawing his cold heart. It's about bringing him back to life. It's about their love. Their unspoken commitment.

Michael:
Art imitating life?

Debbie:
Well if it isn't the man behind the asshole!

Michael:
Brian's always behind the asshole.

Brian:
It will all seem like a distant memory except for you, 'cause wherever I go and whoever I'm with I'll always love you.

Michael:
Bullshit.

Lindsay:
For someone's who's so intent on defending lesbian motherhood, you're not much of an example.

Melanie:
What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Straight mother's work full-time and have nannies, what difference does it make?

Lindsay:
The difference is we have to be a little bit better!

[Stockwell is firing Brian because he's gay]

Stockwell:
Let's just say we no longer bat for the same team.

Brian:
What team is that? The Pittsburgh Poon Chasers?

Trick:
Who's he?

Brian:
Um mm, that's a difficult question to answer given the limitations of the language, conventionality of most people's thinking... let's just say he's the guy I fuck more than once.

Justin:
Unlike you.

Justin:
A man cannot live on the backroom of Babylon alone.

Police officer:
What are you boys up to?

Brian:
We're just looking for a good place to fuck. Know of any?

Ben:
So... did you see it? What'd it look like?

Brian:
Did it have your cute little turned up nose, button eyes, and perfectly shaped penis?

Michael:
You really think so?

Ben:
Hey.. hey!

Michael:
It's the size of a peanut... the baby.

Debbie:
Once upon a Godforsaken time, there was a beautiful princess. She worked her ass off until she popped her kid, and went back to work 3 days later.

Brian:
That Diana was an inspiration.

Debbie:
The bottom line is I couldn't afford the luxury of not working. I had to earn a living.

Michael:
Yeah, but you were 17! Mel's in her thirties, and she's got endo-metri- whatever the fuck it's called and now she's taking on the biggest court case of her life!

Brian:
Yeah, and don't forget; she's a crazy lesbian!

Ben:
So I got a call telling me my nephew was in the hospital... which was surprising since I don't have a nephew.

Hunter:
You do now... Unc.

Debbie:
Don't pick up any strangers!

Brian:
Unless they're hot.

Justin:
You also once told me you wanted me to be the best homosexual I could possibly be, which includes not giving a shit what anyone tells me. Think for myself. Stockwell is a homophobe. He's a fascist, and he's a threat to everything and everyone we know.

Ben:
[on Hunter's HIV status] There are no words to take away the illusion that every kid is entitled to: his invincibility.

Justin:
This sucks.

Brian:
And not in a positive life-affirming way!

Brian:
Stockwell's finally done it. We're just to stay at home and fuck in our beds.

Justin:
You're the one who helped him turn us into straight law-abiding citizens.

Dr. Crystal:
They shut down the back room of Babylon, can you believe it? So we're going to my place to fuck.

Emmett:
That's... nice.

Justin:
Margarita Lopez.

Stockwell:
Excuse me?

Daphne:
Margarita Lopez. Was a transsexual. She was murdered five years ago. Her killers have never been found.

Stockwell:
The Pittsburgh PD does it's best to solve every crime; however, there is always the occasional-

Justin:
Jefferson Proctor.

Lindsay:
Jefferson Proctor. Was a gay African-American. Shot to death half a block from Woody's. Crime unsolved.

Justin:
Natasha Ginsberg.

Melanie:
Natasha Ginsberg. Age 61. A lesbian out walking her dog. Stabbed to death. Killers still at large.

Justin:
Justin Taylor.

Jennifer:
Justin Taylor. My beautiful gay son. Attacked at his prom, left for dead, police reported it as a simple assault, instead of a hate crime, which it was. His attacker got off with community service.

Stockwell:
Ladies and gentleman, I want to thank these concerned citizens for reminding me of the violence that threatens and sometimes claims the lives of members of this community; however, the vast majority of violence crimes are solved and the criminals apprehended.

Debbie [holds up a poster of Jason Kemp]:
What about him? Did you do your best for him?

Stockwell:
I remember that boy. His murder was tragic, someone so young.

Debbie:
Then what was his name?

Stockwell:
I may not recall his name but I do know-

Justin:
Jason Kemp.

Debbie:
His name was Jason Kemp. And the reason you don't remember it is because no one on your police force was ever able to find out what it was. But I did! The waitress who found his body in a dumpster behind the diner where I work. Jason Kemp AKA Dumpster Boy! Murder unsolved.

Michael:
You know we're lucky.

Brian:
That our hairline hasn't started to recede?

Michael:
That no matter how much you hated your parents or no matter how much my mom drives me crazy, they never tried to give us away.

Brian:
Speak for yourself.

Brian[to Justin]:
When did you get to be such a clever devil?

Gardner:
That still doesn't explain why Brian would do such a thing.

Stockwell:
Because he's a fag.

Brian[to Stockwell]:
What's the matter, haven't you ever seen two guy's fucking before?

Gardner:
I want to know why you would do such a thing. Sacrifice your future as well as this agency's, for what?

Brian:
You wouldn't understand.

Gardner:
Why not?

Brian:
Because you're straight.

Debbie:
I brought tuna macaroni. It was your favorite as a kid.

Brian:
No it wasn't.

Debbie:
Don't argue with me; you fucking loved it!

Justin:
I could always make my mother's meatloaf, honey. And we could look at photo's from when we took the kids to Disney world.

Brian:
I have a better idea.

Justin:
So you're just gonna take it lying down?

Brian:
That's generally how it's done.

Hunter:
Can't I just sleep, I was up half the night.

Michael:
Doing what?

Hunter:
Listening to you guys, trying to keep it down. 'Shh he'll hear us!' Next time just fuck your brains out, get it over with.

Michael:
Thanks for the sex tips.

Melanie:
You certainly are a busy beaver.

Emmett:
That's a true compliment, Melanie... coming from you.

Michael:
Hunter... this is Brian.

Hunter:
Wanna fuck?

Brian:
Nice to meet you, too.

Brian:
Twenty of Pittsburgh's hottest horniest hunks... and Debbie.

Justin:
I know how much she wants to be a gay man but is wise to encourage her?

Emmett:
Do you have any idea how hard that was for him?

Lindsay:
I know, I feel so bad for him.

Melanie:
I don't, he's a fucking drug user.

Emmett:
That is not true. He tried it once.

Melanie:
Would you stop being a silly faggot and have some balls for Christ's sake?

Emmett:
Well, I may be a silly faggot. But do you know something Mel? You're a cunt.

Hunter:
How 'bout I pay you?

Brian:
[laughs] You couldn't afford me.

Brian:
Somewhat bald, somewhat overweight, somewhat middle-aged.

Horvath:
You just described half the guys on the force.

Ted:
I felt so good... for once. All those voices that tell me that I'm shit, that I'm nothing, that I'm ugly... were finally gone. I felt so hot, so sexy... the way Brian must feel all the time. Everybody wanted me. And I wanted them. Could fuck a room full of guys and still fuck some more.

Emmett:
Well, you don't need them now... cause you've got me.

Justin:
Look at all these old guys...

Brian:
It's sad, isn't it?

Justin:
Yeah, some of them are even older than you are. But I guess at their age if they want it, they gotta pay for it.

Brian:
Another reason to die young.

Justin:
Or to accept the fact that youth and beauty are fleeting. That time will inevitably leave its mark. And that we should accept our mortality with grace and dignity.

Hunter:
Look who's here. Come to find me?

Brian:
Yeah you're all I've been thinking about.

Hunter [to Justin]:
Fuck off.

Justin:
Excuse me?

Hunter:
I said get lost. I saw him first.

Justin:
Really?

Justin:
Fucking teenagers... I don't know how anyone puts up with them.[Brian looked at Justin]

Brian:
What do you want?

[Hunter looks down]

Brian:
Besides that.

Hunter:
So how about expressing your appreciation?

Justin:
He already has three times with me.

Hunter:
What do you bother with that for? How much is he charging you?

Brian:
[looks at Justin] a hundred?

Justin:
[Justin nods] He refuses to pay though.

Hunter:
I don't blame him. I wouldn't give you ten bucks.

Michael:
You fucked a murderer?!

Hunter:
What's the big deal? I used a condom.

Brian:
Well, your safe sex lecture paid off.

Michael:
He already has a boyfriend!

Hunter:
You do?

Brian:
In a non-defined, non-conventional way, yeah.

Michael:
Why do you do it?

Hunter:
I have low self-esteem, I was serialized at too early an age, it's exciting, fun, and a great way to make non-portable income.

Michael:
I would like an honest answer, smart-ass!

Brian:
He just gave you one.

Horvath:
He retired a year ago... said he was under a lot of pressure.

Brian:
I'm sure that murdering someone can be very stressful.

Brian [to Justin]:
If someone had told me what you were up to I would have fired your ass... if I didn't have my dick inside it.

Horvath:
You were right.

Brian:
That's my three favorite words after nine inches cut.

Debbie:
About what?

Brian:
The cream.

Debbie:
What did it turn?

Horvath:
It matches that found in Jason Kemp's rectum.

Debbie:
For your information I just poured it!

Brian [to Kenneth Rickert]:
That kid you picked up out front the other night? What a rascal! He must have snatched a condom you used, and, guess what? The police did a little science project and your little swimmers and the ones found in Dumpster Boy's ass are members of the same team. [Raises glass] Bottoms up!

Stockwell:
I'm sure you've been following the campaign.

Brian:
No, actually, I've been so busy shopping and blow-drying my hair.

Brian:
No apologies, no regrets.

Emmett:
Little Mary Sunshine died. I'm Little Mary Go-Fuck-Yourself.

Ted:
Let me tell you something, no matter how many fancy parties you give or how much money they give you to give them you'll always be a piece of trash from Hazelhurst, Mississippi.

Emmett:
I don't need you to tell me that, because I tell myself that every day. But at least I am not a tweaked out FUCKED OUT CRYSTAL QUEEN!

Ted:
I don't want to be me anymore. I hated that person. For the first time in my life, I am relaxed, I am happy, and I am having FUN!

Emmett:
You call this fun? This is pathetic.

Emmett:
I am just a silly faggot.

Melanie:
No. You stood beside your partner no matter what anyone said. And that makes you a very loyal, very brave faggot.

Debbie:
You're a good man, Michael.

Brian:
Leave it to a queen to turn anything into a drama.

Justin:
I couldn't say 'I'm sorry' to someone who would rather see me dead-- all of us dead-- than be part of his family friendly world.

Brian:
So you sacrifice everything?

Justin:
Sometimes you have to for what you believe in.

[They kiss]

Brian:
This used to be such a magical kingdom, full of sprites and fairies.

Justin:
Now it's like watching the Wizard of Oz in reverse.

Brian:
Cops in the streets, cops in the bars, cops in the clubs... it's fucking depressing.

Justin:
Unless you're into cops.

[They kiss in front of two cops]

Debbie:
What are you two doing?

Brian:
What does it look like we're doing... we're cop-ulating!

Lindsay:
Emmett, sweetie, you can tell me it's none of my business and to butt out, but if Ted wants to destroy himself that's his choice. Don't let him destroy you, too.

Emmett:
Lindsay, sweetie, it's none of your business. So butt out.

Emmett:
Tough... that's what my daddy used to say. He even bought me boxing gloves to teach me how to be a man.

Melanie:
I love boxing.

Emmett:
Of course you do. I glued rhinestones on them.

Melanie:
Of course you did.

Emmett:
Lover... how I used to love that word.

Emmett:
You're an addict.

Ted:
I'm not an addict!

Emmett:
I'm sorry, sweetie, but it's true. That's what you are. And if that's what you wanna be, fine I can't stop you, but I sure as hell am not gonna join you.

Debbie:
It ain't over until the... slightly-overweight-but-still-working-on-it lady sings.

[Brian asks Emmett to dance]

Emmett:
You know, we've never done this before.

Brian:
It's a shame. We'd make such a lovely couple. We're both... tall.

Brian:
You also need to move on.

Emmett:
I have.

Brian:
And forget about him. He's dead.

Emmett:
He's not dead.

Brian:
Well, he will be, soon enough. But that's his problem... keep dancing.

Emmett:
I don't know how you do it.

Brian:
It's easy. Just put one foot in front of the other.

Emmett:
I mean be so heartless.

Brian:
Well, it takes a little practice but eventually you get the knack.

Emmett:
Well, I could never be like that.

Brian:
Sure you could... [Emmett starts walking away] Then go back to him, show him how much you care... and let him kill you, too.

Justin:
Brian! Why are you getting rid of your naked guy painting?

Justin:
I can't believe you did this. It's so...

Brian:
Noble?

Justin:
Out of character. What made you do it?

Brian:
Some asshole told me that if you believe in something strongly enough, you have to be willing to sacrifice everything.

Debbie:
This establishment reserves the right to refuse service to anyone. And that includes anyone who has not performed the single most important act expected of each and every American?

Brian:
Anal sex?

Michael:
Hey what's the line for?

Man:
To vote.

Brian:
Oh, I thought they were handing out free poppers.

Man:
In case you haven't heard, there's an election.

Brian:
No shit. Who's running?

Blake:
Ted?

Ted:
Blake?

Ted:
I uh... got myself into a little trouble.

Blake:
It's okay. You don't need to explain... Listen um, I'm going to group. Do you want to come with me?

Ted:
Well, you know, I did sign up for the Badminton tournament.

Blake:
You're still funny.

Ted:
Yeah... [they walk] Last time I saw you was...

Blake:
When you brought me here.

Ted:
Now you're back.

Blake:
You could say that.

Ted:
Guess it isn't easy getting off this...

Blake:
You'll do it. [they walk into the group room and sit down] Well, let's get started. My name is Blake and I'm your counselor.

Lindsay:
You know what this reminds me of? Homecoming queen.

Brian:
There was a lot riding on that election as well.

Lindsay:
Waiting all night for the votes to be counted. Fortunately, I won.

Emmett:
You too?

Vic:
Not to resort to trite musical theater references at the 11th hour, but I've been through Nixon, Reagan, two Bush's, and I'm still here. And kiddies, if I can survive all that and more, we'll survive this, too.

Justin:
[toasts] the abominable spirit of queers everywhere.

Debbie:
We may have been the last vote to be counted, but we're the vote that counted the most!

Debbie:
A word of advice, my sweet Emmett. Mourn the losses, because they're many; but celebrate the victories, because they're few.

Brian:
My God, do you have no respect for authority? The law?

Michael:
I had to do something.

Brian:
So you risked it all? Mikey you are so-

Michael:
Pathetic, I know.

Brian:
I've lived with a mother; it's a fate worse than birth.

Justin:
Jesus Christ, Brian. Now you don't even have a car.

Brian:
Yeah, I guess I've lost everything.

Justin:
[Puts his arm around Brian] Not everything.