Raising Hope, Season 1

Jimmy:
Listen, I have a question about this food and it might be a stupid question, but I-I feel I should ask.

Sabrina:
I'm sure it's not stupid.

Jimmy:
Okay. Well, um, the book I have says I should feed her vegetables and I want to do that, but the only vegetable jars I found have pictures of either black babies or Asian babies on them, and I don't know if the pictures are random, you know, or if there's a reason Asian babies instead of white ones should eat these particular string beans?

Sabrina:
That is a really good question. The colors of the babies on the jars don't matter, however it's really important that you do not feed her anything with a picture of a boy on it or else she will grow a penis. And a mustache.

Jimmy:
I said it might be a stupid question.

Sabrina:
Yeah you did. I just... really wasn't prepared for that.

Dana:
Your girlfriend's pretty clever. For her last meal she asked for a McRib and a Shamrock Shake. That should buy her a few months. Those two are almost never available at the same limited time.

Jimmy:
Hey, I thought I talked to you about this. You can't smoke around the baby.

Virginia:
Jimmy, smoke rises. She's not gonna be tall enough to breath it for a long time.

[Burt has just placed Maw Maw in the smoking bubble he created.]

Virginia:
The hell is that?

Burt:
I can't get her to quit. She burns me every time I bring it up, so I built her a bubble.

[Maw Maw smacks him from inside the bubble.]

Burt:
It's loosely based off the plans of cousin Mike had when he built in the walk in bong and technically as long as she stays in here, there's no smoke in the house. So you have to quit.

Virginia:
No I don't. If she gets a bubble, I want a bubble.

Burt:
[about Maw Maw] Hey, have you seen this? As long as I have this song playing, she can't lose.

Virginia:
I know. It's weird how music kicks in certain things in her brain, like the other day I found out "America the Beautiful" makes her poop faster.

Virginia:
[Upon discovering Hope is trapped in the greenhouse] I'm freaking out a little bit here, Burt. I'm not doing well with this. Think of something. How are we gonna fix this? Think.

Burt:
You know I can't think on demand like that.

Virginia:
Think!

Burt:
Stop saying think! Every time you say think all I can think is the word think-

Virginia:
All right, all right!

Burt:
-And it fills up my whole brain. Think, think, think. It keeps changing colors and sizes, I can't get past it!

Sabrina:
Jimmy, are you missing a clump of hair in this photo?

Virginia:
Yes, he is. He ate it.

Sabrina:
Excuse me?

Jimmy:
Someone stressed me out so much that I started pulling out my hair and eating it as a nervous twitch.

Sabrina:
You look awful. Why didn't you just shave your head?

Virginia:
Oh god no. He's a birthmark on his head that looks like a big old...

Jimmy:
Florida. Shaped like Florida... Florida with balls.

Sabrina:
Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it. Who plays the piano?

Jimmy:
Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody's nerves.

Policeman:
What's going on?

Maw Maw:
Mommy and I are doing a trick.

Virginia:
The bitch who lives here wouldn't give us any candy. You're not really going to hassle us for pulling a prank on Halloween, are ya?

Policeman:
I might seeing as how the pranksters are both adults, this is my house and I'm married to the bitch.

Burt:
[explaining why he scares Jimmy just so he can get hugged] I'm sorry but when you turned thirteen you barely hugged me any more and then that damn high five came along. I had to do whatever I could to feel your chest against mine.

Maw Maw:
[face is covered in chocolate from eating candy] Grampa did you bring any more candy?

Jimmy:
[Holding Hope as she laughs at Maw Maw] Mom!

Virginia:
Oh, my god. Burt, Maw Maw got into the candy.

Jimmy:
Did you guys lie to me?

Burt:
She did - not me, I do not practice "deceitary."

Virginia:
What about "I know what I'm doing - you won't get pregnant?"

Burt:
I believed it at the time.

Jimmy:
What did you lie to me about mom?

Virginia:
It doesn't matter - they were dumb little nothings. Like when Rexie died, he didn't really go to hunt rabbits with Stone Cold Steve Austin's dogs. And the reason you shouldn't pick your butt is not because there's an eel living in there and he might bite your finger off, it's just because you shouldn't pick your butt.

Jimmy:
Can we start saying 'execute' again? I thought 'put her down' would be nicer for the baby but it's still feeling like she died at the pound.

Burt:
I thought 'barbecue' her was a smart way to live it up but no one wanted to try that.

Jimmy:
"Hope, your mommy's not here because the governor had her barbecued." Ah, it is close. There's pros and cons.

Burt:
Slow down there Jimmy. Do you even know what the hell you are doing?

Virginia:
Of course he knows what he's doing Burt. It's a computer, not a condom.

Jimmy:
You're sure you don't want to brush your hair?

Virginia:
Oh right, 'cuz if I'm going to be picking up beer bottles and old rubbers, I really want to look my best.

Burt:
[at the first neighbor's doorstep] Hi. Are you looking for someone to care for your lawn? Cause I'm not one of those mow and blow guys. Cause I will weed, prune, plant. I'm dependable and trustworthy. Here's my card.

[gives the neighbor his card.]

Burt:
Also I'm a sexual offender.

[the neighbor tosses his card and closes the door. At the next neighbor's house]

Burt:
Good News, I'm not a Jehovah's Witness. Bad News, I'm a sex offender.

[another neighbor closes her door. At another neighbor's house, Burt is seen though the top of the front door's small door.]

Burt:
Hello, I'm your neighbor, Burt Chance. I just want to let you know there's a sexual predator living in the neighborhood. It's me!

[The neighbor closes the door. The scene changes to Burt at another neighbor's house giving back her staple gun.]

Burt:
About 8 years ago, I borrowed your staple gun. Oh, also I'm a sexual predator.

[The woman tries to hit Burt with a staple gun and he runs. She tackles him to the ground and put staples on his back with a staple gun.]

Wally:
The point is that any woman can do the job.

[Jimmy and Burt look at Virginia.]

Virginia:
I hate all of you!

Virginia:
[to Jimmy] I'm allowed to criticize you. I made you. You're my mistake.

Sabrina:
Worst Thanksgiving ever. We had this cheese sauce that irritated my Dad's IBS - he spent the whole afternoon in the bathroom but forced us to include him via video chat.

Jimmy:
Yeah, well my baby was stolen - twice.

Sabrina:
I can't beat that - let's drink!

Burt:
If I go suck on stage I've got nobody to blame but myself.

Jimmy:
I get that, I do, but you also spent 20 years being known as a yard and pool guy and I think I remember you saying you wanted to be known for something more. [Burt nods] You can do this Dad, I know you can and if you don't I'll still love you but you gotta try!

[Burt moves forward to hug Jimmy, Jimmy backs away and holds up a finger to signal Burt to stop]

Jimmy:
Do not kiss me on the lips!

Burt:
You stop saying stuff that makes me want to!

Burt:
Babies are cool... until you've done everything there's to do with them, then you get bored. That's why TV shows about babies never last more than a year.

Virginia:
[to Kate] I am fine with an Asian Jesus, but let's be real here: that's a 3-year-old fat kid.

Maw Maw:
[looking at herself in the mirror dressed as a wiseman] Who the hell moved my vagina?

Sabrina:
[seeing Jimmy and Justin hang out] Look at you two hanging out-like two penises in a pod.

Maw Maw:
[wheeling out from under Burt's truck] Well the universal ball joint's no picnic, but the transmission's been leaking around four spots. Why didn't you have me look at it earlier?

Burt:
You're never lucid for this long. Had a chance last week, but by the time I got you in the coveralls, you thought you were an exterminator and spent three and a half hours under the house.

Maw Maw:
Did I kill anything?

Jimmy:
Two rats and a snake.

Maw Maw:
Man, the things you people tell me I do. Getting old is quite a ride.

Burt:
People in glass houses should not throw stones...or sleep naked.

Burt:
[about picking his nose with all of his fingers] I like to mix it up. Different ones get to different places.

[After Maw Maw readily voted with Jimmy]

Burt:
She is only allowed to vote if she's lucid.

Virginia:
Maw Maw, we are currently at war with what country?

Maw Maw:
Iraq and Afghanistan.

Jimmy:
Is she right?

Burt:
I think so, but I'm not sure.

Maw Maw:
It's right, you morons. One more reason why you shouldn't have another baby. Look, we're five people living in a four person house. We need another baby like we need a gorilla throwing fireworks.

Virginia:
We are responsible! We're also passionate and spontaneous.

Burt:
Yeah those would be our gladiator names if we were on American Gladiator.

Bruce:
[about Mike] When you find him, beat him black and blue.

Policeman:
I'd love to, but with the internet and phone cameras, the fun's over.

Burt:
[to Mike] I wish your dad was here for this, but he's busy being a big throbbing tool. Let's call him up and rub the happiness in his face.

Natalie:
You can't fight a mountain lion. All you can do is lay back and go meet Jesus.

Burt:
Pygmies freak me out. The women run around topless. They look like little girls with knockers.

Virginia:
All college guys cheat when they're in a long distance relationship. Why do you think I didn't let your dad go off to college?

Jimmy:
'Cuz he didn't graduate high school?

Virginia:
For your information, there are universities that advertise on late night television that are willing to overlook that.

Burt:
Noses are the unsung hero of the face, ties the whole thing together. Name one good looking person without a nose...can't do it.

[Zoe walks into the studio completely naked]

Rosa:
Jimmy, you look so freaked out, like a deer caught in his girlfriend's high beams.

Jimmy:
I'm not freaked out. I always figured the first time I saw her naked would be with a bunch of strangers and my mom's boss.

Donovan:
Hell Chinese moms don't even give the kid a pillow. Yeah, they throw a violin and a laptop in the crib and say "Learn it by morning, donkey!" I mean, that's why the Chinese are beating us at everything.

Virginia:
[to Gary] I'm sure somewhere out there there is a woman that wants to be lured into your apartment to find you naked. Maybe you should try Greg's List!

Burt:
When it comes to being a hunter gatherer, I don't have a lot of weapons. I'm not that bright, I'm not that smart, and I don't have a lot of intelligence.

Jimmy:
[after seeing Sabrina's commercial] That's not fair. You used my daughter without my permission. Would you make your own baby?

Frank:
Yeah. Come on Sabrina. Let's go make our own baby!

Virginia:
Burt, why are you infusiating yourself in other people's lives?

Burt:
I like this guy. He reminds me of me. We both have brown hair and hate museums.

Rosa:
It seems my mother thinks that your son is the Devil.

Virginia:
Hah! I kinda doubt the devil would still be a virgin at eighteen.

Virginia:
Did you hear that? Maw Maw's got a surprise for you Jimmy!

Jimmy:
[slams his hand onto the table] You know that's not my name! If you want to address me, you must call me Drakkar Noir.

Virginia:
Like the man's perfume, right?

Jimmy:
It means Black Dragonship.

[momentary pause]

Burt:
Your makeup looks nice today.

Lucy's Victim:
She tried to choke me with a pair of shoelaces. She was screaming something about how I forgot her birthday. I chased her for a few blocks, but then she jumped into a van with some guy. Good luck, dude. Her birthday's May 12th. I'd buy a card now.

Virginia:
You were supposed to be watching Maw Maw. When she gets into the candy, she thinks she's 9 years old again.

Burt:
I like 9-year-old Maw Maw, we play jacks.

[Burt is in his underwear hiding from Maw Maw, who thinks he is her dead husband Wilfred]

Burt:
Hey, Jimmy?

Jimmy:
Yeah, Dad?

Burt:
You think this kind of stuff happens in other people's houses in the middle of the night and they're just too embarrassed to talk about it?

Jimmy:
I hope so.

Burt:
Me, too.

Jimmy:
Good night.

Burt:
Good night.

Maw Maw:
Wilfred!

Virginia:
Well, I couldn't have her come over and see what a mess my life was. You both had boots on your head.