Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, Series One

[On his first night, Gordon is witnessing dinner service at Bonapartes]

Gordon:
(voiceover) Never mind fine dining, they can't even get the bread right. (to Tim) It's fucking frozen, get it back in the oven. Are the pigeons ready?

Tim:
Yes.

Gordon:
We're about to put them in the bin because the bread's frozen, the pigeons are cooked and the fucking bread's not even out of there. [Lee tosses the cabbage in the pan] And if you toss that fucking cabbage once more, I'm going to ram it up your arse, okay? Every time you turn around and...[Mocks Lee] Let's go, come on! (Voiceover) Even when the kitchen's busy, you should be looking to get the starters out within ten minutes of receiving the order. These poor souls have waited nearly half an hour for their pigeon breast with mushroom ravioli. And that's not the only problem. (to Tim) Tim, you made a ravioli, yes?

Tim:
Yes.

Gordon:
It's burned. You cannot taste that there? Smell it then. You obviously can't taste they're burnt.

Tim:
Not when I pull them out.

Gordon:
Get that shit in the bin. (voiceover) This is really worrying. A head chef who can't taste his own food's burnt. He's not going to win any prizes for his control of the kitchen either, and there's only two of them in here!

[Microwave beeps]

Gordon:
Can you hear that, hold on! Hold on! Can you hear the buzzing in the background? That's the microwave! That should've gone out with the main course four minutes ago. Come on, Tim, get the fucking things out! (voiceover) For some, an hour's wait is just too much.

Gordon:
(voiceover) Nearly every successful restaurant has a dish that it's renowned for. I'm hoping that by cooking his, Tim will produce something truly memorable. Something truly worthy of a place on a fine dining menu. (to Tim) That's your signature dish, which is...?

Tim:
Scallops with deep-fried parma ham, black pudding and sauce hollandaise.

Gordon:
Mmm-hmm. (voiceover) Certainly looks okay.

[Gordon, Tim and Lee sample the dish]

Tim:
What do you think?

[After a few seconds, Gordon runs outside the kitchen and throws up]

Tim:
He's gonna be sick.

Gordon:
(voiceover) He'd only gone and given me a rancid scallop.

Tim:
Someone get him a drink. Get him a drink, Lee.

Gordon:
Fucking shit! [drinks water] How can you eat that? If you knew they were off, why didn't you say?

Tim:
No, I didn't! I didn't know they were off.

Gordon:
They're fucking minging! Can't you taste that?

Tim:
I do now, yeah. It took a while...

[Gordon turns away, retching again]

Tim:
I know what he means. I feel sick myself now.

Gordon:
(interview) It's... it's grim. It's fucking grim, and it's out of order.

Tim:
Well, I didn't realise they were fuckin' off, so... I suppose it's my fault, really.

Gordon:
(interview) That could kill someone. That's the bottom line.

Gordon:
(voiceover) In the two days I spent at Bonapartes, I've witnessed total incompetence in the kitchen, total lack of direction for the management, and last but not least, they've tried their best to kill me with a rotten scallop.

Gordon:
(after being fed the scallops) What the fuck are you playing at?

Tim:
(regretful) Sorry, chef.

Gordon:
It's not about being fucking sorry. You shouldn't be in a fucking kitchen if you don't know what's right and what's wrong in that sense. This is basic fucking cooking, you know that?

[Gordon finds mouldering food in the refrigerator]

Gordon:
We've got fucking fur on fucking potatoes. When's that from?

Tim:
Can't tell you.

Gordon:
What are we doing with them?

Tim:
Throw them in the bin.

Gordon:
Throw them in the bin. But you keep them in the fridge for two days before you put them in the bin. You see what I'm trying get at? Does it make fucking sense, yes or no?

Tim:
No.

Gordon:
So all this fucking fridge is jam-packed with shit and we're standing here saying, [mocking Tim] "Oh, I'm putting 'em in t'bin!" "'Putting 'em in t' bin!" WELL, GET THEM IN THE FUCKING BIN!

[Gordon just finished inspecting the refrigerator]

Gordon:
Do you know what? I'm fucking gobsmacked, you know that? I've got a good fucking mind to get hold of fucking Sue and just tell her to fucking close the place, you know that? Because this is the fucking pits. You should be ashamed. Rock bottom. I've never seen anything like this in my entire fucking life, you know that? Because this is a fucking embarrassment to catering, let alone fucking ringed-out fine dining. Let's move, now.

[Gordon just reported the incident to Sue, who enters the kitchen as Tim and Lee were cleaning up]

Sue:
Gordon just had a word with me, and said he's not impressed. We need to keep the place clean and everything tidy; otherwise, I can be sued. In which case, I'm out of business, and you're out of a job.

Tim:
I realise that.

Sue:
Yeah, I know. And I'd take to have to take it on board as well.

Tim:
(interview) Well, you know? She just had to stick her oars in; she was going to say, "I told you so". That's what she's doing, yeah? Fair enough, she has a little dick. So fuck her, if you know what I mean.

[Gordon orders both Tim and Lee to cook omelettes]

Gordon:
(voiceover) An omelette is probably one of the first things at catering college. (to Tim) When was the last time you cooked an omelette?

Tim:
I've never cooked one before. No, I've never cooked an omelette before.

Gordon:
Oh, don't be stupid.

Tim:
I haven't.

[Tim and Lee serve the omelettes]

Gordon:
(cuts the omelette open) Look inside. What does that tell you?

Tim:
Uh...slightly overcooked.

Gordon:
Slightly? Tastes like fucking rubber. Both overcooked. That was shit by any standard. You're a head chef? You're taking the piss here, you know that? (silence) You are taking the piss, you know that?

Tim:
Yes, Gordon.

[Tim is cooking dinner for his parents]

Gordon:
(voiceover) Lets not forget: Tim is a head chef.

Tim:
Fucking hell! [pulls out the croutons for the French onion soup and they are on fire; he blows out the fire and they are scorched] I burned them, yeah.

Gordon:
[laughing] Last thing I said was, "Don't forget your croutons!" He's managed to fuck them over at his Gran's house! [hits his head repeatedly]

Tim:
Ladies first, this is some French onion soup.

Gordon:
(voiceover) Minus the croutons.

Gordon:
What are we going to do with this numb-fuck?

Tim:
[Serving Chicken Kiev] Look at that, superb.

Gordon:
(voiceover) Torched on the outside and pink in the middle. As for the lemon meringue pie, he would've gotten a better reception if he threw it at them. Tim's family wouldn't dream of criticising him. But the paying customers on Valentine's night won't be as forgiving.

Gordon:
(to Tim) We've got 44 booked this Saturday night.

Tim:
Mm-hmm.

Gordon:
And you fucked up for four. What chance have you got for 44? I'm now starting to shit myself.

[Gordon is supervising Tim as he fries some meat]

Gordon:
When it's brown, it's cooked. When it's black, it's...

Tim:
Fucked!

[During the end-of-episode revisit, after finding the kitchen in an even worse state than when he first arrived]

Gordon:
Holy fuck! This is a living fucking nightmare!

Gordon:
This is not right, this is fucking miles away! This is a fucking nightmare, you know that? Because it's more loss on top of more loss and more loss and more mould! And that's what worries me, because you need to touch that... [touches a mouldy tomato] ...rub your finger on that, you go a to chip, you need to season something, you put your finger in the tomato soup, and then they're all fucked! You've contaminated the whole place, and that's what really worries me. This kitchen is not fit to cook a fucking thing in, and that's YOUR problem!

Sue:
I think I'd better just close, and put "Due to refurbishment".

Gordon:
And you should bow out gracefully, you know that?

Sue:
(interview) I've been giving him another chance, and another chance, and another chance. That's just... I can't tolerate that, it's going to end up... well, it's professional suicide, isn't it? He's conned me, simple as that. I don't honestly think he did it deliberately. I don't think he's a nasty piece of work, I just think he lives in a Walter Mitty world. I think he just convinces himself, to be honest.

[Tim has just been fired]

Tim:
It's beyond recognition, really, isn't it? How fucking stupid someone can be. I just don't... [sighs]

Director:
(off-camera) And who is that someone, Tim?

Tim:
Oh, that would be me, pretty much. Yeah.