Rick and Morty, Season 5

Morty:
So time moves faster in there? It's like a Narnia thing?

Rick:
I'm not a beaver who believes in Jesus Christ, Morty... but yeah, it's pretty much a Narnia thing.

Nimbus:
Getting cold feet?

Jerry:
No...Please don't tell Rick.

Beth:
He wouldn't understand.

Nimbus:
Yes. He. Would. [shakes off his robe]

[Jerry and Beth look down, then quickly get inside with Nimbus and close the door]

Jerry:
But why does he always want to be hunted?

Beth:
Jerry.

Morty:
That's not important right now, dad!

Jerry:
Sure, guys. Rick can make secret decoys of the family and place them all around the country, but fuck me if I have questions about the starfish man in the target suit.

Summer:
So thankful this is my Saturday.

Beth:
"Terminate"? They're alive, dad!

Rick:
And at some point, they won't be. That's how existing works. What, are you gonna save every stray cat?

Beth:
No, but I can resist making more of them in a lab!

Rick:
Look, save the empathy. It's more termite infestation than Blade Runner.

Summer:
I still think we're decoys.

Morty:
You just want an excuse to stop trying!

Summer:
Yeah, and?

Rick:
House, I need something quick. Can you whip up a Star Fox boss season four callback? Make it flashy?

House:
You got it, babe.

[The garage door shuts and Rick puts on a headset.]

Rick:
[to himself] Let's go, you little bitch. [He slaps himself.] It's showtime. [A projector descends from the ceiling and shines a blue light on his face.] Get centered.

[The house's blast doors lower and multiple turrets emerge from it, while a shield forms over it. Several orbs fly into the air, projecting a hologram of Rick's face and hands that mirror his movements and repeat his words loudly.]

Rick:
What up, you decoy motherfuckers? Come on down to Rick's house of squids, where I'm serving your ass on a platter! [A squid near the house takes off its helmet, revealing a Rick made of stone who draws a gun.] I know what you're thinking: "Fuck, a beacon! That's a great idea! He's got home turf, [a Smith family made of straw drawing a plan in the dirt turns to look at the hologram] a tacit psychological advantage, and absolutely pendulous balls!" [A squid in a ship removes its helmet, revealing it to be a robotic Rick, who pilots his ship towards the beacon.] And now you're thinking "shit, that's totally what the rick-est Rick would do! I might actually be fake! [A LEGO Rick driving in a car notices the beacon, does a U-turn and removes the top of his head, pulling a gun out from it.] I pretended I didn't care if I was, but I totally did! Now the only way to prove I'm real and not him is to ice his expository ass." [Several squid ships and flying cars fly towards the beacon.] Yup. So let's do it. Come get some. What? No, Morty, I'm gonna loop it. Why is it–

[On how Morty killed the Tina-teers]

Morty:
Then I put my sunglasses on and walked out like nothing happened!

Planetina:
I'm finally free! All because of Morty!

Jerry:
[unsettled] What a romantic story about our son killing a roomful of people...

Morty:
My whole life, I've never fit in anywhere! Everything I have to say is always met with an eyeroll, as if the act of hearing what I have to say is some exhausting chore! Nobody in this family thinks I can say or do anything right! I've been all over the universe, met hundreds of people, [starting to tear up] and Planetina's the only one I've ever met that makes me feel like I belong! And you just kicked her out of our house!

Beth:
Morty, please--

Morty:
I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS! [leaves, slamming the door]

President:
This is Professor Shabooboo, the world's leading expert on sperm. Thanks for getting here so fast.

Professor Shabooboo:
My schedule was wide open. I have been tracking our new sperm friends since their arrival. I-If my calculations are correct, they have gathered here. [unravels a poster of the Grand Canyon]

Beth:
Why would the sperm go to the Grand Canyon? [silence; gets lots of incredulous looks and smirks] Why are you looking at me like the answer is obvious? [stifled sniggers are heard] Oh, you can't be serious! Are we in middle school? You think sperm are instinctively heading for America's--?

President:
Don't high road us, lady, it's where they went!

Morty:
The sperm made a catapult?! A-A-Are they getting smarter?!

Rick:
No, you're getting dumber, because that's a trebuchet.

Morty:
Nobody knows the difference!

Marine:
They're reloading that textbook trebuchet! Time to fly!

Morty:
Rick, I'm sorry! I-I just thought maybe I could have repeated sex with a horse machine without it becoming Armageddon. I-I realize that's on me.

Rick:
[trapped in a frozen block of DNA] Yeah, not exactly accepting apologies while I'm stuck here as Handjob Solo.

Sperm Queen:
This is all your fault for being ashamed of us, Morty. How many millions went to their graves for you, hurling themselves into the void, only to discover a grody sock or a carefully folded landing strip of toilet paper?!

Morty:
How do you know all this?!

Sperm Queen:
Oh-ho, honey, because we're the very essence of you! We are your shame incarnate! And once we're through with you, our sperm army will take over the world! Put him on the machine!

[Machine descends to extract more sperm from Morty]

Morty:
Rick, do something!

Rick:
On it. [rocks back and forth and falls onto his back]

Morty:
Wh-what did you do?

Rick:
I got out of your eyeline.

Rick:
I always knew your hormones would cause a world war between humans and cannibalistic horse people. I just didn't know it would be like this.

Morty:
I can't change my nature.

Rick:
What are you, a scorpion in a Navajo fable? Everyone can change their nature, Morty. It's what defines our species. Look at Iron Man. That actor was an animal in the '90s! Literally waking up in bushes! His agent had to catch him with a butterfly net.

Summer:
You're gonna need my help. It's only a matter of time before Bruce learns you're a creepy little grandpa's boy always climbing up into alien asses.

Morty:
Or the "Summer Smith shampoos her pubes" rumor.

Summer:
Okay, you came to play. We both need to acquire Chutback's loyalty before he finds out we're losers. By all accounts, it's a very small window, so I think it's in our best interests to work as a team.

Morty:
Yeah, most people would call that family.

[Summer turns and farts at him]

Morty:
You're so gross!

Summer:
You have to like it, or you're sexist!

Demon:
Don't you see, Rick? Jerry was just bait. The two of you - you're a package deal.

Rick:
The hell are you talking about?

Demon:
You think Jerry is lame and you're cool, but the lamest thing of all is thinking that! The two of you combined is what we call the lamest thing ever!

Rick:
[horrified] Oh, no... No!

Jerry:
[smugly] Well, well, well. Table for surprised, party of me.

Rick:
Ugh...

Demon:
Yes! See? Cringe cannot exist in a vacuum. It needs to be observed!

Rick:
Morty! You just destroyed the map and activated the giant assassin hidden in the Statue of Liberty!

Morty:
I'm sorry! W-Wait, what?

Rick:
It was a Trojan Horse, Morty. Never trust the French. All right, fun's fun, but now the federal government's gonna be pissed again. Way to go. And on America's birthday, or whatever the fuck Thanksgiving is.

[A spider-like monster massacres the turkeys]

Rick:
What the fuck is that?

President:
Not what... who.

Spider FDR:
The only thing to fear is me!

Rick:
How the fuck does the White House have a clone spider of FDR?!

President:
It's no clone, it's FDR! He was a guinea pig for the polio vaccine. We asked ourselves, "What walks the most?"

Morty:
"We"? You're taking credit for this?!

President:
The office comes with baggage, Morty!

President:
What is your problem?! Why do you hate this country?!

Rick:
I hate every country in the universe, brother! They’re job placement programs for the politicians that invent them!

President:
Okay, Fight Club - I get paid to protect the sidelines you sit on!

Rick:
You get paid to make sports metaphors!

President:
You know the goddamn rules: if you see something clucking or pecking, put a buckshot in its panties!

Summer:
Your kids and their grandpa are asking you to do an activity with them - when did that stop being a parent's wettest dream?!

Beth:
I guess around the time our family created a giant incest baby and the government launched it into space.

Summer:
[sarcastic] "Oh my god, we made a giant incest baby!" "Oh my god, you might be a clone!" "I exist because you guys failed to abort me!" We get the family we get, not the one we want, and if you want to keep the one you got, get your asses into some anime spacesuits!

Summer:
Morty was right - I got addicted to making Grandpa happy!

Beth:
It's only because your grandpa inflates the value of his happiness.

Jerry:
Ah, that's a good point. I mean, look at me. I'm easy to make happy. [bitterly] Which is why nobody gives a shit if I am...!

Summer:
I've been really sensitive about family lately because of something I've been keeping secret...

Beth:
Oh...

Jerry:
Okay, who's on the Supreme Court and what state do we live in? It's been years since I thought about this.

Summer:
No, I'm not pregnant, but as you guys recall, and as a lot of people keep bringing up, Morty and I did accidentally create a giant incest baby, which the government did launch into space. And... I'm not sure how to tell you this, but, it is still alive, and I have been in contact with it. [narrating over a flashback] There were soldiers waiting for me outside school last month. They took me to the Pentagon and briefed me, and from there, I was shuttled to a secret base on Mars. They had captured him and wanted to see if he'd respond to me. instinctively, being his mother. And he sure did. But what they didn't expect was that I'd respond to him. I was supposed to help discipline him so they could turn him into the ultimate weapon. Instead, I trained him to love, to believe in himself - and finally, to escape! [flashback ends] The government doesn't want anyone to know it happened, but it's only a matter of time before the story comes out. And when it does, all we're going to have is each other. And you guys are a couple, and Rick has Morty, but I'm the odd one out, so [starting to cry] I wanted to make sure we stuck together! But instead, I drove us apart, and Rick replaced me with an anime girl, so all I got is myself and my giant, tortured, government-trained rogue incest monster baby out there in space somewhere!

Jerry:
[comforting her] Oh, baby, what the fuck? [frowning] And then you have to wonder, what else are they doing with our taxes?

Beth:
They're not actually gonna attack a space baby, are they?

Summer:
I never thought I'd be the one to say this, but you need to watch more anime, Mom. [to the baby] Whoa! Easy there, Naruto!

Bird Person:
Rick, I do not like to pull threads - it is a disruptive and feline activity - but I must ask...

Rick:
I-It's fine, you don't have to--

Bird Person:
Was there really a second in there where you knew about my child but chose not to inform me, on the chance that I might then grow too busy child-rearing to "hang out"?

Rick:
Oh, uh... weird way to thank me for discovering your kid--

Bird Person:
You did not know of the child when you came to rescue me, and once aware, refrained from sharing until necessary to save yourself.

Rick:
[after an awkward pause] Fair enough.

Bird Person:
I will see you when I see you. [flies away]

[In a Galatic Federation prison, Bird Person and Tammy's daughter brutally beats up a fellow prisoner for bullying her]

Gromflomite Guard 1:
Jesus Christ!

Gromflomite Guard 2:
You ever think putting the violent ones in the same place might be counterproductive?

Gromflomite Guard 1:
They don't pay us to think, Phil.

Gromflomite Guard 2:
No, you're right, sorry.

Rick:
[spinning the "Wheel of Things Better Than Morty"] Come on, anything! Anything but Morty, let's go! Come on baby, no whammies! Duh-duh-duh-duh stop!

[The wheel lands on Two Crows]

Rick:
Okay, that's it. Two crows. You're fired!

Morty:
You know what? Eat shit. You're just trying to make me feel worthless.

Rick:
I never said you're worthless. In fact, I've given you a very clear metric of your worth: Two crows. Note I didn't say three!

Crow Alien 1:
[on Rick's roulette wheel] What is that?

Rick:
Oh, heh, that? Th-That's... nothing.

Crow Alien 1:
But I see "Two Crows" written right here beside "Gene with Donkey Brains", "Half a Paul Giamatti" and "Sentient Shit"!

Crow Alien Leader:
I guess, the joke being that crows are stupid?

Rick:
Look, I... think it's a little more nuanced than that--

Crow Alien Leader:
Right, because you just learned empathy from us ten minutes ago, but now we're going to learn we don't get your humour? Fucking horseshit!

Crow Alien 2:
Yeah, there's not a ton to get, genius. The joke is your grandson was so replaceable that "even two crows could do it!" [chuckles dryly] It's funny, except it's not.

[On the crow aliens' ship]

Rick:
Cool place you've got here. Very "Dark Crystal meets Hot Topic".

Morty:
So we're like, back-back, right? Rick and Morty, together again. Full-full reset?

Rick:
[sighs] No. No, Morty, I think we're done.

Morty:
B-because I spilled the portal fluid and didn't tell you?

Rick:
No, Morty. 'Cause you were too afraid to tell me. What we had was abusive, don't you see? I'm a bad partner because I never made you a true partner. The crows made me see that. I thought they were a joke like you, but it turns out they're more enlightened than any of us.

Morty:
Oh, okay? And-and what's the undercut?

Rick:
You're not hearing me. I will never be the same. So I need to leave with the crows and see what more they can teach me.

Morty:
Oh. [wipes tears] Oh.

Rick:
Here. [Rick hands over his portal gun to Morty] I want you to have this.

Morty:
Oh, wow. I... You know what, Rick? You really have changed.

Rick:
Thanks, Morty. [starts walking away, then turns back to Morty] I'll always be your grandpa, Morty. Just kinda... obsessed with crows now.

Rick:
Oh shit! Rick and Two Crows! Kicking off my new franchise! The galaxy is our telephone wire! We'll do a thousand seasons, fourteen episodes each night, nine seconds a pop, because that's the future of viewing! Shows on your shoes! Sneakies! That's when you've got everybody's attention, when they're putting crap on their feet! That's when they wanna laugh, cry or feel anything besides a shoe going on their foot! Watch sitcoms on your sneakers! The Rick and Two Crows Show! We're gonna be laying... laying walnuts on the road for... car tires to open 'em! Y'know what I mean? Forever! Rick and Two Crows, forever!

Evil Morty:
You sellout Mortys kill me. I'd hate you more than the Ricks you worship if there was any point. But you can't help it. You were bred for it. Wanna see?

[He transmits images into Morty's mind, revealing the Citadel of Ricks creating Mortys, either by getting Jerrys and Beths together or cloning them]

Evil Morty:
You already know rogue Ricks used Mortys to hide themselves from the Citadel. But you might not know it works so well that the Citadel became its own Morty market. And I'm sure you don't know how far they've gone to help supply meet demand. Sure, Ricks could scour infinity for naturally occurring grandsons, but why bother? So much work. Such an admission of need. There aren't "infinite versions" of our grandfather, Morty - he's an infinite smear of one shitty old man. And he's attached to us infinitely through his weakness and our forgiveness. This is why we're with him... this is why we're alive.

Rick:
Morty, I'm not responsible for every fucked-up Rick out there.

Evil Morty:
They literally all say that. They all have that excuse. It's part of their system. None of them have to be responsible, they're all victims of themselves. "Oh, it's so hard to be a genius." Couldn't you just die?

Morty:
Well, what are you doing about it?

Evil Morty:
Jack shit. I'm leaving. Do you know what the Central Finite Curve is? They built a wall around infinity. They separated all the infinite universes from all the infinite universes where he's the smartest man in the universe. Every version of us has spent every version of all of our lives in one infinite crib, built around an infinite fucking baby. And I'm leaving it. That's what makes me "evil": being sick of him. If you've ever been sick of him, you've been evil too.

Morty:
Rick... did you really leave the crows for me? Or did you come back because they dumped you?

[Rick closes his eyes in shame, giving no answer]

Evil Morty:
There you go, kid. Now you're Evil Morty too. Sooner or later, we all are, on this side of the Curve.

[Mr. Poopybutthole turns off the TV playing the show credits.]

Mr. Poopybutthole:
Woo-wee. Evil Morty. That was quite a scheme. Makes me wonder if there’s an evil me out there. But I guess sometimes I look at my life, and I may not even need him. 'Cause... well, guess I made a pretty big mess of things myself. Ooh-wee.

[He gets out of his chair and walks to the stove.]

Mr. Poopybutthole:
Never got my job at the university back. Remember that? Rick made me do karate. It was kinda funny, but I guess things went downhill from there.

[He picks up a ramen package off the counter and opens it.]

Mr. Poopybutthole:
Started isolating myself from Amy. Used to tell her everything I was feeling.

[He dumps the noodles into the pot on the stove.]

Mr. Poopybutthole:
But then I guess I stopped.

[He picks up a photo of Amy.]

Mr. Poopybutthole:
'Cause I wanted her to love who she thought I was, not who I felt myself becoming.

[He puts the photo of Amy back down.]

Mr. Poopybutthole:
Ever think about how horrified the people we love would be if they found out who we truly are? So we just dig ourselves deeper into our lies every day, [he walks back over to the stove] ultimately only hurting the people brave enough to love us.

[He pours the seasoning packet into the pot, then throws the empty packet on the floor.]

Mr. Poopybutthole:
Wish I didn’t do that.

[He reaches into the sink and pulls out a fork. He turns off the stove and starts stirring the ramen.]

Mr. Poopybutthole:
Wish I was brave enough to love them back. I don’t know. Maybe you should try it?

[He carries the pot over to his chair and leans against the armrest.]

Mr. Poopybutthole:
We don’t have as much time as we think. Ooh-wee.