Rick and Morty, Season 7

Mr. Poopy Butthole:
Kept in touch with the guys over the years -- as much as you can in this fast world. Bird Person went home to take on a challenge way more difficult than a predator: raising Bird Daughter. Gearhead went back to the Gear System and got a spinal replacement. He's still paying it off. Squanchy checked himself into a nice rehab. No one thought it would stick, and it didn't. He was later arrested for smuggling toad venom across the border. Hugh Jackman went back to the Jack Shack to glue back together the Tony Award that Jean shot, and possibly to put a bullet in all future Wolverine references, thanks to us. And what came of Rick? I think he learned something that night. About friendship, about honesty, and maybe he learned something about himself...

[...]

Mr. Poopy Butthole:
Yep, don't any of you worry about Mr. Poopy Butthole! I got a lot of work to do, but I'll land on my poopy little feet. I always do... Oh! This burns like hell! How did the other guys not react?! Is mine different?! It's like my skin is boiling!

[In response to Jerry's complaint that he thinks Jean stole his rake, Rick slides Jerry a gun, then continues working on his ship.]

Rick:
Jerry, thank you for bringing me into the "rake situation". I've done all I can. I'm out.

Jerry:
No surprise there. All that brain and you just waste it...

Rick:
Ho-ho-hold up! [He pushes himself out from under the ship.] I waste my brain?!

Jerry:
Yeah, Rick! Obviously, you were born smarter than me, but if I had your brain...?

Rick:
"If you had my--" I am so sick of this "born smart" shit!

[Rick pulls out a gun-like instrument.]

Jerry:
Are you gonna kill me...?

[He disassembles it, then goes about constructing a contraption.]

Rick:
I was born crying and pissing myself just like you! Then I became the smartest man in the universe, and do I get credit? No, I get to check my brain privilege!

Jerry:
So we're swapping bodies?

Rick:
No, that would be Freaky Friday, which is the ceiling of your grasp of consciousness. The brain is part of the body, Jerry; it's hardware. I'm gonna put my mind in your brain and your mind in my brain. Then we'll see the real definition of "waste", Jerry. Or, you know, admit genius isn't random and your failures are your own.

Jerry:
[chuckles] Not doing that.

Rick:
Thought as much.

Jerry:
Rick, the guy's already kissing your ass.

Rick:
It's the ass-kissers you have to keep in line. When they sense weakness, they move on you.

Jerry:
What, are we Walter White?! Who cares if a mid-tier crime dork "moves on us"? Thank you for the crystals. Morty, get in the car.

Chucksley:
Actually, Morty, why don't you leave those crystals here? Since it's such an insulting amount...

Rick:
There it is! Now he's thinking "Oh, maybe I can kill God!"

Jerry:
Yeah, because God doesn't haggle for ten thousand fucking croutons!

Morty:
Oh, my god! Am I really about to die because you botched up Freaky Friday?!

Rick and Jerry:
Yes.

Rick:
I want you to know, when this is over, the guy in this body is gonna yell at Jerry and call him useless, really lay into him... but he won't always mean it.

Jerry:
Well, cards on the table, the guy in this body might call Rick an angry old asshole, but he's the closest thing Jerry has to a friend.

Morty:
They left a note!

Summer:
Should we read it in Rick's voice or Dad's?

Beth:
"Dear Family, we thought about leaving a note, but then one of us was like 'Why are we leaving a note? That's such a Jerry thing to do. But if we didn't leave a note, that's such a Rick thing to do.' And then we realized we just gotta be us, so it's a note but it's not really well-thought-out." That's it? They got out a pen and paper for this?

Beth:
Who are you? What is this place?! And does my son sell drugs for my father? Maybe criminals will actually be honest with me...

Morty:
Crystals can be anything, Mom!

Chucksley:
Yeah, but these crystals are drugs.

Beth:
Morty!

[The gangsters are confronted with a surgical, multiarmed, multiheaded amalgamation of Jerry and Rick.]

Chucksley:
Holy shit! All the positive aspects of each, perfectly melded together?

Jerricky:
Yes. I am... Jerricky. [They strike a karate pose.]

Chucksley:
Alright boys, nothing could've prepared us for this! At this point, we gotta shoot and hope!

[A firefight breaks out.]

Chucksley:
Also, everything's flammable!

President Curtis:
In 1961, the CIA secretly relocated the Loch Ness Monster to Lake Eerie and replaced her bones with titanium. She was then bit by several werewolves, giving us the ultimate anti-submarine weapon.

Rick:
Got it.

President Curtis:
But the Soviets smuggled in a leprechaun who turned Nessie's bones to silver, giving her the were-version of AIDS. She sank to the bottom and we assumed she was dead, but she was only asleep. Now she's awake, and hungry!

Rick:
You can't date my shrink.

President Curtis:
What? Bro! You're nuts!

Rick:
Then don't date my shrink.

President Curtis:
I'm not dating your shrink! She probably doesn't even like me...

[Rick goes to punch him, but is held back by a Secret Service Agent.]

Secret Service Agent:
Stand down, Sanchez!

Rick:
Tell him to stand down! Would you let him bang your therapist?

Secret Service Agent:
I don't believe in therapy!

Rick:
W- What the hell does that even mean?! You don't "believe in it"?

President Curtis:
He's a Scientologist.

Rick:
Don't date my shrink! And don't be a space Mormon!

Secret Service Agent:
Why not?!

Rick:
It's silly! Sorry. It's a cheap shot. Worship how you want. I like Tom Cruise...?

Secret Service Agent:
Thank you.

President Curtis:
Therapy is working...

Rick:
Keep it in your pants.

Rick:
I need Unity's help, so you need to convince her I'm worth it.

Dr. Wong:
You aren't.

Rick:
So lie.

Unity:
I called you multiple times! You ghosted me!

Dr. Wong:
Rick, is that true?

Rick:
She dumped me. Why would I answer her calls?

Dr. Wong:
Alright, I'm going to commit a cardinal sin in couples' therapy here, but Rick? I think you're wrong.

Rick:
Bringing you was a mistake.

Dr. Wong:
You had an outer space lady who was worried for your life, and your response was hostile enough to cause a huge problem.

Unity:
Thank you.

Dr. Wong:
Now you're asking her to both forgive you and solve it? Unity, I think the reason Rick brought me here is that he doesn't know how to indicate to you he's changed, because he's changing very slowly. But he is.

Morty:
Rick, I gotta know, like, w-- what's the secret ingredient-- [he stumbles across Rick scooping spaghetti out of a man's entrails] God, no, why?! Why? No! Why is it always this shit with you? O-- Of course it's a person! Rick! Why couldn't it just be spaghetti?!

Jerry:
They were delicious!

Morty:
So keep eating them!

Jerry:
We can't now!

Beth:
Because of you! Sorry. Morty. That was terrible parenting. You did the quote-unquote "right thing". We are technically very happy to be better informed.

Jerry:
First octopus, now this. Have we thought about just giving up and joining the fascist half of the country?

Jerry:
Is this people or not people? I-- I just need to know how much I should pretend to be upset.

Morty:
You did it, didn't you? You couldn't change everyone's taste buds, but you could make it... distasteful. It wasn't the death, was it?

Rick:
It was the complexity of life.

Morty:
God, what was the point?

Rick:
If you're asking whether this was a story about right and wrong, the answer is... "I don't care."

Morty:
So what do we do?

Rick:
Cells consume, Morty. Life itself is wrong, and that means death is right. But you can't side with that, so you live, even when it means eating. And Fred here really did it well.

[Rick and Morty exit a portal, clearly infuriated with each other.]

Morty:
Another adventure where I went up an ass!

Rick:
Oh, good, are we having this fight again? L-Let me guess: You're gonna leave, or-- or throw a sulking fit?

Morty:
You think you know everything, Rick, but you're-- you're basically just a giant eight-year-old!

Rick:
I'm not doing this anymore! Either you're in or you're out, Morty! I-I'm tired of you weaponizing this half-assed threat! You want out, then fucking quit!

Morty:
You know what? You're right. Sorry to be such a high-maintenance Morty. W-Why don't I get you a drink?

[Morty pulls out a six-pack of beer. Later on in the night, he welds something together in his bedroom, then returns to the garage where Rick lies, now covered in beer.]

Rick:
[burp] O-Oh! Oh, hey, Morty...

Morty:
Hey, Rick. You drunk yet?

Rick:
You're my little buddy, [burp] you know that? I-It's-- It's you and me, Morty. Uh, Rick-- Rick and Morty, one hundred years, forever!

[Morty dons an eyepatch, revealing this as Evil Morty's origin story.]

Evil Morty:
Yeah, pal. Rick and Morty. A hundred years. Forever.

[He closes the garage.]

Rick:
Ge-Get off me! What are you-- What are you doing?!

[Rick dies in a flash of light.]

Rick Prime:
Honestly, wife guy? I do miss when it was just us -- the only two Ricks who actually invented portal travel. Anyone else keyed up to arrive later? Like your car?

[A claw brings in Rick's battered ship.]

Ship AI:
I can see why you hate him.

Rick Prime:
And she sounds like our wife! Li-- Like in a fucked up robot way, but that's definitely her voice. You sentimental little fella!

Rick Prime:
This new version can fire more than once. So now I can erase your family, one by one, until you finally learn your lesson! Which you won't, so then I'll kill you too... I'll do that the old fashioned way.

[Evil Morty has Rick Prime restrained and scans his mind to locate and eradicate his clone bodies]

Rick Prime:
Okay, I think I'm getting the pic-- [gets shocked by a device linked to his forehead] OW! Frying my backups. Smart. So you're, like, an "Evil" Morty? A clever one? [gets shocked again] OW! All right, never been a sidekick guy, but I'm starting to see the value. You want a job? We could be like Batman and Robin.

Evil Morty:
Eh. I don't need a Robin.

Rick Prime:
[gets shocked again] Okay, seriously, what is this? Wha-What, are you gonna "aw jeez" me to death? [as Evil Morty accesses the Omega Device] Oh, you don't want those schematics, buddy. Those are for grownups.

Evil Morty:
Uh-huh. [drags in a mangled Rick and revives him]

Rick Prime:
Oh, isn't this great? Okay, all right, I get it.

Rick:
[coughs and groans] What? [sees Rick Prime] Oh shit...

Evil Morty:
[nodding] Mm-hmm. Knock yourself out. [leaves]

[Rick puts his cybernetic parts back in order]

Rick Prime:
Listen! Rick to Rick - he's got the weapon plans. Buddy! Nip this in the bud! He's fourteen, what's gonna happen the next time he gets mad at Grandpa?!

[Rick punches him in the face]

Rick Prime:
[laughs] Let's do this, then!

[Rick continues to punch Rick Prime again and again, gradually reducing his face to a bruised, bloody mess]

Rick Prime:
You're welcome, by the way! I made you! I showed you infinity! And what did you do with it?! Hang out with my grandson?! Raise echoes of my daughter?! [laughs] What's your life without me?!

Rick:
Let's find out.

Rick Prime:
[coughing and laughing] Admit it! You would've been me! I just walked into your garage before you walked into mine! But eventually, you did! YOU LIVED IN MY HOUSE!

Rick:
Don't grift a grifter, Morty; I have friends in cosmic places.

Orange Guardian:
Halt, unidentified adventurers!

Blue Guardian:
We are the guardians of this sanctuary! One of us tells only truths. The other only lies.

Rick:
You ever fuck this guy's wife?

Blue Guardian:
Yes. Well, how about that, he guessed right...

Orange Guardian:
[lifting his axe] I forgive you!

Rick:
Morty, that was just an old man rambling at us.

Morty:
People died, Rick!

Rick:
So, by your logic, 9/11 was an adventure? Tweet it, see who agrees.

The Observer:
Very well! Bear witness to 9/11!

[The Observer has been run over by a truck.]

Rick:
You know what? I say we leave this thing in the street, deny any involvement, and just hope this blows over. Unless, of course, they play this exact clip on a screen in front of a jury with some kind of built-in bias.

[The courtroom, filled with Observers, gasps.]

Judge Observer:
As an Observer, I try to stay impartial, but I am not seeing innocence!

Past Rick:
I did it, Morty! I killed the version of us that were in Space Jam! Help me with the bodies!

Past Morty:
Wow! How'd you do it, Rick?

Past Rick:
It was easy, Morty! Th-- They welcomed death! They wanted out, Morty!

[In the present]

Rick:
No, no, no, you don't get it! They begged me! It was a kindness!

Defending Observer:
That was not helpful!

Prosecuting Observer:
It was for the prosecution!

Morty:
What do you say, Rick? Fly through space, come upon something, maybe I have a moral objection, stuff gets messy and you ultimately bail us out?

Rick:
Let's take it for a spin! Rick and Morty, we're back, baby!

Beth:
Where are my kids?

Rick:
Merged.

Beth:
That doesn't answer my question, and raises several others.

Summer:
None of this would've happen if you had just unmerged us when I asked! Morty gets everything for free!

Rick:
Morty's a dog! People have cats because their affection is earned! I treat you like an equal because I respect you! You... remind me of your grandmother.

Mr. Goldenfold:
In conclusion, without math, planes wouldn't fly and elephants would forget. What is that sound? Who is using airbuds to listen to rap music?!

Morty:
Sorry, Mr. Goldenfold!

Mr. Goldenfold:
Detention! Class dismissed early so Morty can have instant detention!

Mr. Goldenfold:
You're coming with me, Morty!

Morty:
Why?!

Mr. Goldenfold:
It's called "detention", not "released-tion!"

[In a flashback.]

Marvin:
Yo Chuck, it's Marvin! Your cousin, Marvin Z.? Ay, you know that new sound you lookin' for? Well listen! To! This! [He farts into the phone.] Ha! Got you again, motherfucker!

Morty:
Wow! Y-You think that guy's cousin wo-would stop taking his calls.

Mr. Goldenfold:
That's not the point!

Morty:
It seems kinda obvious that these scribbles are, like, the original species that Letters and Numbers came from. So that relic thing probably isn't a "1" or an "I", i-it's probably just, like... a line? It's symbolic of the fact that your people don't need to be at war!

Water T:
...how do I know you, again?

Morty:
" Get Schwifty?"

Water T:
It's still nothing. So mind your damn business!

Number Seven:
At least we agree on that.

Mr. Goldenfold:
Looks like your detention is officially over.

Morty:
Why?

Mr. Goldenfold:
You finally learned how hard it is to teach.

Morty:
No, I didn't.

Mr. Goldenfold:
Then you... learned how hard it is to learn.

Morty:
I already knew.

Mr. Goldenfold:
Just go to bed, you ungrateful shit!

Number Seven:
Father!

Water T:
Aw yeah, we're into the same sick shit, huh?

Number Seven:
No, my father -- he's found us!

Jerry:
Great, so there's a Heaven! Glad you could learn that by murdering me eight times!

Morty:
He's got kind of a point, Rick. If you wanna get into heaven, can't you just stop being an asshole?

Rick:
First of all, I don't wanna "get into" anywhere. I wanna tap this para-dimension's energy. Secondly, you wouldn't catch me dead in Jerry's generic-ass 1980s concrete-and-fog-machine Heaven.

Jerry:
Well guess what? You aren't welcome there!

Rick:
You raise a good point, Jerry. Obviously by accident, my intact consciousness is too atheistic to get channeled to any afterlife worth robbing. It's a paradox. Unless... Morty, pack your parka. We're going to Norway.

Morty:
Ugh...

Rick:
Or I could augment your skin with subdermal heaters...

Morty:
I'll pack a parka!

Fear Hole Demon:
For guys like you -- y'know, who've seen it all -- there's only a few real fears left to conquer, and one of them is right. Down. Here.

[The ship lands in front of a Denny's.]

Morty:
Okay, what the hell?

Rick:
Y-- Yeah, this is punching down. Denny's is a nice chain that gives people starchy food when they're up late.

Morty:
It's a hack joke, buddy.

Fear Hole Demon:
Nope, this is the place! Good luck to both of you, I'm gonna get myself a Slam.

Morty:
He just... wanted a ride, right?

Rick:
He certainly took us for one.

Beth:
Oh, my god, you both reek! What is that?

Rick:
Morty and I shit our pants. You're looking at the two newest members of the Hole Club!

Summer:
Uh, okay sluts!

Diane:
Tell you what, old man -- seems like losing me made you cooler. I should die more often...

Rick:
You did. You died everywhere, forever. You're the only thing I can't replace.

Morty:
So, what are you? Like, the Hole? The Hole's promoter? The-- The Hole's intern?

Fear Hole Demon:
Is there a Hole here?

Morty:
Right. I-I'm-- I'm supposed to go in there and be shocked that there's no Hole, or that there is a Hole. What difference would it make?

Fear Hole Demon:
Hm. You are hard to scare.

Morty:
And Rick isn't. Right? The-- The Hole's gonna like, suck on him forever because his big secret is that he's got the most fear?

Fear Hole Demon:
Well, we can certainly say you're not afraid to be reductive. I doubt your grandpa has more fear than the average asshole at a Denny's.

Denny's Patron:
[offscreen] Hey!

Fear Hole Demon:
[to Patron] Sorry. [to Morty] If anything, he seems pretty brave! Certainly not afraid to die. Maybe that makes his fear extra... delicious. [takes a long swig of coffee.]

Morty:
So what? He's scared of love?

Fear Hole Demon:
Everyone's scared of love, dipshit, you learn that in your twenties. It takes a very rare, very powerful being to be... terrified of happiness.

Morty:
Dumb.

Fear Hole Demon:
You're dumb. That's why you're not scared to be happy. The smarter you are, the more you know. Happiness is a trap; it can't last forever. Let's say you meet the love of your life - well, it's still gonna end. It's inevitable, whether by the slow pull of a disease or the shock of loose footing on a hiking trail. Whether it be the corrosion of two personalities that reshape each other until they're incompatible, or maybe the ol' stranger in a bar that says the things that need to be said to that person, that night. The point is, happiness always ends. Best case scenario - think about this, best case - is that you die at the same time. Yikes.

Morty:
Can't the Hole just let me go, then? Sounds like I don't matter...

Fear Hole Demon:
You don't. But if you go, you'll take him away. Don't worry, Rick will die before accepting happiness. After that, we'll chase you with some clowns or some dumb shit like that, but grandpa? [chuckles] Yummy-yummy grandpa's gonna die. Just. Like. Diane. [laughs maniacally as lightning flashes]

Morty:
Maybe there's no way out? Maybe we were born here?

Rick:
C'mon, we're gonna get through this.

Morty:
I-I'm staying here--

Rick:
No. We're Rick and Morty. I'm not leaving without you.

Morty:
What did-- What did you say?

Rick:
I said I'm not leaving you in here. C'mon, you're irreplaceable!

[Morty stays silent, processing.]

Rick:
What?

Morty:
Oh, my God! I-I-I know what I'm afraid of! I-I'm afraid that you'd never say that in real life! I'm afraid that if I jumped into a hole, you wouldn't even bother jumping in after me! Y-You'd just stand there and watch! This entire thing has been about me! You're not even in the Hole, are you?!

[Rick opens his mouth to reveal a black void within, and the Fear Hole Demon's voice is heard.]

Fear Hole Demon:
Thank you for visiting the Fear Hole, Morty. Your fear of relying on Rick has been... delicious.

Morty:
DEAR GOOOOOOD!!!