Roseanne, Season 1

Dan:
Are you ever sorry we got married?

Roseanne:
Every second of my life.

Dan:
Me, too.

Roseanne:
You are, really?

Dan:
[thinks] Nah.

Roseanne:
OK, me neither, then.

"Roseanne:
Beer Commercial

Roseanne:
The point is, you think this is a magic kingdom where you just sit up here on your throne!

Dan:
Oh yeah?

Roseanne:
Yeah! And you think everything gets done by some wonderful wizard - oh, poof, the laundry's folded; poof, dinner's on the table!

Dan:
You want me to fix dinner? I'll fix dinner! I'm fixing dinner!

Roseanne:
Oh but honey, you just fixed dinner three years ago!

Roseanne:
[exasperated at Becky and Darlene's arguing] This is why some animals eat their young.

BeckyL Mom Dad Darlene cut her finger off!

Roseanne What Happened?

Becky She cut herself with the scissors.

Roseanne O.K. Let's Go

Becky:
Take her to the emergency room. She needs a tourniquet!

Roseanne:
Shut up, honey!

Dan:
(About a drywall job) Be a lot of money if I get it.

Roseanne:
You're not gonna get it.

Dan:
There'll be a lot of guys puttin' bids in.

Roseanne:
And they're all better than you, I bet.

Dan:
Hey, I'm pretty good.

Roseanne:
You're not either.

Dan:
I'm the best!

Roseanne:
You're the worst!

Dan:
I am drywall master of the universe! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Roseanne:
(to Darlene) What did I tell you about killing your brother in the living room?

Dan:
You only married me for my cooking.

Roseanne:
Uh-uh. I married you 'cause you needed a date for your wedding!

[In the garage]

Jackie:
She's always telling people how to live their lives...

Dan:
Yeah, well, that's because she thinks she knows everything.

Roseanne:
[from outside] Well, I do!

Dan:
It wouldn't be as bad if you didn't come over every weekend.

Jackie:
Well, Dan, if you had a job, you wouldn't notice as much.

Dan:
Hey! You can insult my wife and you can insult my children, but never badmouth my chili!

Roseanne:
You knew when you married me that I had a sister!

Dan:
But I didn't think she'd be be here every weekend.

Roseanne:
Well, I didn't think I'd be here every weekend.

Becky:
Mom!!!

Roseanne:
She's not here.

Roseanne:
[to Becky and Darlene] OK, there's only one way to solve this problem. Give me that pillow [takes pillow from Darlene] and give me that blanket, too.[takes blanket from Becky] All right, now turn around and face each other here. [the girls face each other]. Now I want you two to fight to the death.

Becky:
I'll get the tape.

Darlene:
No, I'll get the tape.

Roseanne:
I'll get my tubes tied.

Dan:
Where's your school spirit?

Roseanne:
I lost it on prom night with everything else.

Becky:
I hate my hair. I hate my clothes. I hate my face.

Darlene:
That makes two of us.

""" Booker:
On for what?

""" Booker:
JAckie, I'd Love to go.

""Crystal:
I'm so stupid stupid stupid

""Roseanne:
Oh Crystal Don't Be Stupid

Darlene:
I know, Mom

Crystal:
(Full mouth) I Can't help it

""" Is This chair taken?

"""Roseanne:
Lighten up, Crystal

""""Dan:
"" How did it go with Crystal?

"""Darlene:
So what did you think?

Dan:
You know Vinnie, that new kid I hired?

Roseanne:
Oh, you mean that 19-year-old Adonis with the washboard stomach?

Dan:
You noticed.

Roseanne:
Noticed? Hell, I made sketches.

Roseanne:
Why must you mere mortals gamble with your own thoughts when you have the goddess of corn here to keep you from screwing up?

Dan:
Oh yeah, that's right. I forgot, you're the real expert with women.

Dwight:
I guess I know my way around the henhouse all right.

Dan:
Yeah, probably so, since you're still living at home with your mom.

Dwight:
You know, if my woman ever talked to me that way, you know what I would say?

Dan:
Yeah, "Get back in the house, Ma!"

Jackie:
[regarding Dwight] I was down at his hardware store the other day and he was following me around like a puppy. I thought it was cute.

Roseanne:
Cute? I'll bet his parents are brother and sister.

Dan:
Hey, kiddo, you gonna stick around and mooch dinner from us tonight?

Jackie:
No, I have a date.

Dan:
Animal, vegetable or mineral?

Jackie:
Booker.

Roseanne:
Vegetable.

Darlene:
[attempting to change a grade on her report card] I can't match this red ink. [Miss] Crane probably drains the blood out of stray cats to get her ink!

Booker:
[trying to explain to Jackie why he is so late for their date] I was on the phone with my mother. [Jackie makes a face, Dan snickers] I was!

Roseanne:
Geez, Booker, you ought to take a shovel around with you when you travel.

"""Roseanne:
Rock and Roll!!!

"""Roseanne:
Becky, Go wash for dinner.

"""Becky:
What are we having?

Roseanne:
Frog legs

"""Jackie:
Are you serious?

Dan:
What's this in my pocket? It could be? It might be? It is ... holy cow, it's a honeymoon! [hands Roseanne a brochure] Why yes, it's paradise.

Jackie:
Oh, another guy who thinks he's got paradise in his jeans.

Roseanne:
Yeah, paradise lost.

Darlene:
I figured a paper route was an easy way to make money.

Dan:
Ha, Darlene, there's no easy way to make money. If there was, your mother would have found it by now.

""" Roseanne:
Watch out for the mist

DJ:
Mom, Darlene's still on the phone.

Roseanne:
Hey, don't come in here ratting on people now. Dan, he's ratting on people!

Dan:
Cheese eater. [makes squeaking noises]

[Becky catches Darlene smoking]

Becky:
What do you think you're doing?

Darlene:
What does it look like, Einstein?

Becky:
You're gonna die, you know that?

Darlene:
From one cigarette?

Becky:
Yeah: Mom and Dad are going to kill you.

""Darlene:
Knock it off, you little twerp

[Darlene is playng with trick handcuffs]

Roseanne:
You know, Darlene, I have the feeling that you're going to have an even nicer pair of those someday.

[ D.J. comes in the Conner's garage with hair clips in his hair ]

D.J:
How do I look Dad?

Dan:
Beautiful.

D.J:
Guys aren't supposed to look beautiful!

Dan:
Damn beautiful.

D.J:
That's better!

Becky:
I wonder what people did before television.

Roseanne:
They made dolls out of corn cobs and stared at fire.

Dan:
I had this recurring dream in broad daylight. I had this mug with a little airplane design on it, and every time I'd drink from it, the engine would start up, and it would get closer, and I swear this is true, the propeller went up my nose.

Roseanne:
You're scary.

Darlene:
Will everybody stop talking about nightmares? I didn't have a nightmare!

Roseanne:
If you didn't have a nightmare, then why'd you have trouble goin' to sleep?

Dan:
Were you worried about your basketball game?

Darlene:
No, I wasn't worried about my basketball game.

Roseanne:
Did you screw up in history again Darlene?

Darlene:
No, I didn't screw up in history again.

Roseanne:
Well then, what is the matter?

Darlene:
I got my period! Okay?

Jackie (to Roseanne):
So what's going on?

Roseanne:
Darlene got her period last night.

Jackie:
No kidding? She's only 11.

Roseanne:
I was 11 when I got my period.

Jackie:
Yeah, but you were already wearing a D-cup.

Roseanne:
Yeah, two of them.

Jackie:
The poor kid's just been sentenced to 45 years of monthly inconvenience.

Roseanne:
Gee Jackie, I hope I can find a way to pass that enlightened wisdom on to my daughter.

Jackie:
You will, just tell her about all those famous athletic women types, and how they all get their periods too.

(Roseanne and Jackie recall how their mother dealt with their first periods)

Jackie:
What about when she brought home pamphlets from the Red Cross?

Roseanne:
For two weeks, I thought what I had was a natural disaster.

Becky:
Mom, Darlene and DJ are killing each other out there.

Roseanne:
What's the bad news?

Roseanne:
(to Becky) We gotta wait for your dad to park the car. Then we gotta hear the Epic Saga.

Darlene:
Dad, I need money.

DJ:
No, she doesn't!

Darlene:
Go suck on a loafer. C'mon Dad, Mom won't gimme any!

Dan:
She probably has a good reason.

Darlene:
No, just cheapness.

Dan:
There's no way I'm spending my Saturday sitting in a shoe store waiting to be waited on with 50 other guys who are waiting to be waited on. I ain't buying shoes. That's it. End of discussion.

Roseanne:
And get a couple of extra pairs of laces too.

Roseanne:
Ya know, I love malls...you can live, die, and learn to play the organ, all under one roof!

Becky:
(sulking) I'm never eating again.

Roseanne:
Okay, but you're still doing the dishes.

Roseanne:
[coming home from the grocery store while Dan, Darlene and D.J. play baseball] Get your popcorn, get your peanuts, get over here and help me with these damn bags!

Darlene:
Do I HAVE to get dressed up for this boring dinner?

Roseanne:
No, we're all dining naked.

Darlene:
AGAIN?!

Darlene:
This is great, now I gotta eat this stupid fish and wear this stupid dress...

Roseanne:
And then you're gonna do the stupid dishes.

Dan:
[forbidding Becky to see Johnny] I want you to get on the phone, you call the tongue bandit, and tell him you ain't goin' nowhere tonight.

Dan:
Something is about to occur that is gonna wish you were to woke up as a different person, in a different house, in a different country, on a different planet.

[Behind him, the doorbell rings. Dan opens the door to reveal Edgar and Bonnie standing there, all smiles, carrying a box]

Bonnie:
Croissants!

[Dan and Roseanne are speechless]

Becky:
[about Johnny] It's none of your business!

Roseanne:
It IS my business when you start sneakin' out of this house to meet some guy that I would consider leavin' your father for!

Roseanne:
You know, Becky, what you did is gonna make it to ZIT Magazine's Ten Most Vicious Teens!

Darlene:
So how long's Becky grounded for?

D.J.:
What'd she do?

Roseanne:
She forgot to gag Darlene like I told her.

[Roseanne and Dan are contacting their insurance at the hospital while Darlene is having an appendectomy]

Roseanne:
Conner. C as in 'cat,' O as in 'oaf,' N as in 'numbskull,' N as in 'nitwit'...E as in...'empty-headed,' R as in 'target!'

Roseanne:
I found it, Darlene!

Darlene:
What?

Roseanne:
The floor of your room!

[The ladies have just learned that Booker is assigning them an extra hour of overtime because of a mistake Jackie made on her machine.]

Jackie:
I suppose you're going to point the finger at me.

Roseanne:
Yeah, and you know which one.

Waitress:
My Marvin passed away about 7 years ago. I miss him. He was a good man. The hardest part is going home at night to an empty house. It's so damn quiet. Y'know, sometimes, I turn on the ball game and turn it up real loud like he used to do. And I hate sports! But what are you gonna do?

Roseanne:
[examining D.J.'s artwork] This is a pretty picture. Is this one for school? There's Daddy and me, and Becky and you... where's Darlene?

D.J.:
[points to a spot on picture] Right there.

Roseanne:
That looks like a bunch of flowers.

D.J.:
I know. That's her grave.

[D.J. grins at Darlene, who glares back]

Becky:
[yelling at Darlene] How come I found my new sweater in the bottom of your grungy closet?

Roseanne:
Because everything in the free world is in the bottom of the grungy closet. So what else is new?

Becky:
[frustrated at the washing machine] I HATE this house! Nothing ever works!

Roseanne:
[cooking] Except me.

Crystal:
I was on my way home from taking Lonnie downstate to his grandma's and almost lost control of the car. It's like the end of the world out there!

Roseanne:
Great, no more Geraldo!

Becky:
[about Darlene] Can't we have her put to sleep?

Roseanne:
Well, we tried, but the vet backed out.

Jackie:
Fork over the bread, Fred.

Dan:
Don't hurry back, Jack.

Jackie:
Thanks for the cash...stupid.

Roseanne:
(After hearing about the tornado watch), okay, eveybody duck and cover.

Roseanne:
What's the worst that could happen? A tornado picks up our house and slams it down in a better neighborhood.

Roseanne:
[scolding Darlene for playing a prank during the tornado] That is not funny! You're grounded till menopause!

Darlene:
Yours or mine?

Roseanne:
Your father's!

Crystal:
How do you like yours [marshmallows], Roseanne?

Roseanne:
Like I like my men: crispy on the outside and stuck to the end of a fork.

Roseanne:
(To DJ) Don't bother your aunt Jackie when she's in the middle of a breakdown.

Roseanne:
(After hearing loud bumping noise outside of the front door, scaring Crystal.) It's for you, Crystal!

Crystal:
What was it?

Dan:
Nothing.

Roseanne:
I just bumped into my future, and it was hideous!

Becky:
Mom, can Darlene and I go and see what's left of the neighborhood?

Roseanne:
Yeah, be careful where you walk though, and no looting unless it fits me.

Darlene:
Our stuff was lying all over the neighborhood!

Roseanne:
What'd you bring it back for? This was my big chance to get rid of it.

Darlene:
Will Dad have a third cup of coffee?

Becky:
Will Mom get off the sofa by noon?

Roseanne:
Will you get the hell out of my house?

Salesman:
Good afternoon, ma'am, and how are you? I would like a moment of your time.

Roseanne:
[closes the door] I already been saved.

[After the salesman dies on the table]

Roseanne:
(Checks his pulse) Oh my God! He's dead!

Dan:
Check it again!

Roseanne:
I know how to count to zero!

Roseanne:
Well, don't look at me. If we would have had sex like I wanted to, none of this would have happened.

Darlene:
How's my baklava?

Police Officer:
It's very hot. Don't touch it.

Darlene:
[touches baklava] Ow!

Roseanne:
You think 'cause you got a gun, she's gonna listen to you?

Coroner:
[checks the body for a pulse] Yep, he's dead.

Roseanne:
Well, there's that in-depth medical expertise we've been waitin' for.

Dan:
Let me see if I got this straight: we need milk.

Roseanne:
Milk.

Dan:
We need eggs.

Roseanne:
Eggs.

Dan:
Bullets.

Bev:
What kind of list is he making, not that it's any of my business?

Dan:
A hitlist.

Roseanne:
If my parents move to Lanford, I'm going to be sleeping on a cot for the rest of my life because I'm going to be in prison for blowing them away.

Mr. Faber:
How long you been here, anyway?

Roseanne:
Long enough.

Mr. Faber:
Your, uh, personnel file says "11 years."

Roseanne:
You know, the last three supervisors was checking out my personnel file, but you see any of them around here?

Mr. Faber:
[after Roseanne quits by dramatically punching out and tossing her time-card on the floor] Well, that was a wonderful performance, Roseanne, but if any of you are considering joining her, may I point out there are two doors to this room: one that pays and one that doesn't.

[following Roseanne's lead, Jackie punches out, quitting. One by one, Vonda, Sylvia, and Crystal do the same.]

Roseanne:
I guess we're not going to make our quota today, Honey-bunch.

Jackie:
It's high time that we thank the woman responsible for our emancipation: my sister, ex-Wellman employee, and a heckuva woman in her own right....What was your name again?

Roseanne:
Sally Field!

Roseanne:
(Booker is getting ready to bowl) Booker, Did you get that infection cleared up?(Booker drops the ball behind him)

""Dan:
Sonny, It's Me Dan