Rugrats, Season 3

Didi:
Time to say, bye-bye, sweetie. [Tommy starts bawling] Oh, what's that matter sweetie.

Angelica:
Of course, it's me, you babies! There's going to be trouble! That does it!

Tommy:
But, Angelica, I don't have to...

Angelica:
[she slapped his mouth] Quiet, Tommy.

Paul:
[yelling] What's wrong with you people?! Don't you have any real lives outside of this mindless cartoon!?!

Betty:
[dumbfounded] Well, really? We just thought you liked to hear from a few of your fans.

Paul:
Well, I don't!

Chaz:
[confused] How can the creator of Happy Bear be so cruel?

Paul:
[furious] Randy!

Randy:
Wait a minute, Paul. I can explain everything. [After Randy notices his neighbors at his house unexpectedly] Lucy, could you come out here now, please? [After Stu meets Paul from the bushes]

Stu:
Wow. He looked right at me. That man has changed by life! Man, we didn't need words.

[The camera moves past an elderly man pushing the spout of a container with a sign that says "Creamed Ham", which is next to containers with signs that say "Creamed Potatoes" and "Creamed Toast" respectively. Another elderly man is pushing the spout of another container, pouring gravy onto his food. Tommy and Angelica are standing next to a table with a can of coffee on it. Angelica points to the can]

Angelica:
You see, Tommy? That there coffee is what big people drink if they want to get waked up! Alls we must do is add the stuff in that can to that bucket of water.

[Angelica points to a bucket of water that says, "Caution:
Wet Floor" in red letters]

Angelica:
And we have coffee!

Tommy:
I'll climb up there and get it.

[Tommy groans as he jumps and reaches for the can of coffee. He misses and falls over, but sighs in disdain. Then he looks over at an electric scooter, but turns right-side up]

Tommy:
I have an idea!

Clown:
Look kid. It's just an act. Under this freak show, I'm a regular guy. Just like your dad.

Didi:
Maybe we better go.

Angelica:
Why do I have to go? I wasn't crying.

Ringmaster:
Sorry, folks, no refunds.

Didi:
I'm glad we left. I'd forgotten how unsanitary circuses are.

Stu:
Come on, Deed. Circuses are an American institution. They're part of growing up. Kids love the circus.

Chuckie:
I hate the circus.

Tommy:
Chuckie, it's all over now.

Chuckie:
Hey. Thanks for bailing me all back there, Tommy. I felt really stupid crying all by myself.

Tommy:
Don't mention it.

Angelica:
It's not fair. We didn't get to see any of the good stuff all because those babies started crying.

Drew:
Angel, you got to see a lot of good stuff. Remember that big scary lion.

Angelica:
That dumb old lion didn't even have any teeth.

Drew:
And you got cotton candy and popcorn. And Daddy even bought you that nice stuff turtle he was screaming for.

Angelica:
Stupid turtle. It doesn't even do anything.

Drew:
What do you expect for $16.95.

Angelica:
The whole circus was dumb.

Drew:
Not now, cupcake, I suppose if you have the circus, you can do everything your way.

Angelica:
If I ran the circus. Hmm.

Didi:
Stu, what are you doing?

Stu:
Making chocolate pudding.

Didi:
It's 4:00 in the morning! Why on earth are you making chocolate pudding?

Stu:
[sarcastically] Because I've lost control of my life.

Angelica:
[watching TV in a queen bed] Ah ha ha ha ha!

Stu:
Here's your pudding, Angelica.

Angelica:
Oh, that's okay, Uncle Stu. I'm not hungry anymore.

[Cut to outside the house as Stu screams like a girl]

[Angelica is looking at the kaleidoscope. Tommy is in the playpen and wants to look at it]

Angelica:
Ooh, it's so pretty.

Tommy:
Can I see?

Angelica:
Amazing.

Tommy:
Please?

Angelica:
Incredible.

Tommy:
That's not fair! I wanna see the kaleidoscope.

Angelica:
[to Tommy] Oh, you wanna see.

Tommy:
Uh-huh.

Angelica:
You really wanna see?

Tommy:
Uh-huh.

Angelica:
You really, really, really wanna see?

Tommy:
Uh-huh!

Angelica:
Oh. [handing Tommy the kaleidoscope] Okay. [as Tommy was about to reach for it, she then pulls it away] Oops, I forgot...it's not for babies!

[Flashback to 1959. The episode of Blocky and Oxwinkle is yet on, showing the titular characters running to the rescue]

Blocky:
Hurry up, Oxwinkle. It's time to obliviously save the day in the nick of time...

[Young Lou has overheard Baby Drew and Baby Stu's fighting, and he turns the television off as punishment]

Young Lou:
[shouts] No more Blocky and Oxwinkle! [Baby Drew and Baby Stu start crying. He takes them to the downstairs playpen] You can blubber all you want, but it ain't gonna help! Now you two sprouts play nice. If you're real nice, I'll let ya watch Lawrence Welk tonight. [the two boys stop crying for a second, looking at each other, but start crying again; looks at his watch] Whoop. Time to open up the store. [heads to the front door to open it up]

[The two babies stop crying, and watch their dad go to work]

Angelica:
[throws snowball at Tommy] Halt, who goes there?

Tommy:
It's me, Tommy!

Angelica:
I am Angelinook of the North, why came you unbidden to my snowbound kingdom!

Tommy:
Huh?

Angelica:
What are you doing here?

[The camera zooms in on Angelica]

Angelica:
A real princess?

Charlotte:
Drew, that's great!

Drew:
Great?

Charlotte:
Don't you see? If Angelica's ever gonna make it in a male-dominated power structure, she's gotta eat, breathe, drink, and sweat self-esteem!"

Drew:
Uh-huh. Look, I know we've been blessed with a special little girl, but if we don't stop spoiling her, she's gonna suspect she really is a princess!

[Tommy flicks a piece of cereal from his bowl. The scene transitions to the next scene, which takes place in the living room. Tommy and Chuckie are now dressed in their normal attire, and Tommy sits on the couch with a bored expression on his face as Chuckie watches his favorite show, Space Trek Babies, which is essentially a combination of Star Trek and the spin-off babies trend popularized by Muppet Babies]

Baby Spock:
We can't abort the entire mission for one lost teddy bear, captain! It's just not logical!

Baby McCoy:
[bouncing in a jumper] You and your infernal logic! Can't you see? We're babies, not computers!

[Tommy changes the channel to Reptar, who is destroying the city. The camera moves over to Chuckie, who is shocked to find out Tommy changed the channel]

Phil:
That won't work, Chuckie. In space, no one can hear you scream.

Lil:
What do you mean?

Phil:
Gettin' old's fun!

Angelica:
No, no, little Phil. Getting old is nothing but misery and woe.

Tommy:
Wow. It's too bad you can't stay little like us.

Angelica:
Yes. It's too bad I can't stay little like... Wait a minute, that's it!

Chuckie:
Uh-oh!

Betty:
[finds Phil and Lil naked and runs towards them] Great Evonne Goolagong! What's going on here?! Philly, Lilly, you're nudists!

Didi:
Betty! I'm surprised at you. I mean, they're just babies. Lipschitz says--

Betty:
[picks up Phil and Lil's clothes] Don't start with that hippie Lipschitz, Deed! I don't know what kind of baby commune you're trying to run here, but it's time to face facts! The sixties are over and we lost, so get with the program, all right?!

Angelica:
Hey, babies! Ready for a game of pin the tail on the diaper? [Chuckie hides the CD under the teddy bear] Hey, Chuckie, what do you got there?

Chuckie:
Ah, nothing. We just playing one of the silly games.

Angelica:
Hmm. Say, isn’t Spike out there.

Stu:
I just wish there was something I could do!

Didi:
Oh! [the doorbell rings] Who on earth could that be?

[Stu walks up to the front door and opens it. A rich man is on the other side]

Winston St. George:
Mr. Pickles?

Stu:
That's me.

Winston St. George:
My name is Winston St. George. [as he talks to Stu, he removes his monocole and wipes it with a piece of cloth] Two weeks ago, I was walking down the street when I spied a rare Siberian Tiger Hound worth thousands. I was tempted to keep him to breed, but then I saw your ad.

[Spike jumps into Stu's arms and pants happily]

Stu:
Ugh! Spike!

Winston St. George:
Spike, eh? Well, I've been calling him Nightscroft's Squire Muldoon.

Angelica:
More wind!

Chuckie:
Here you go, Angelica.

Angelica:
Thank you, Chuckie. This is the life.

Tommy:
Angelica, can I have a turn?

Angelica:
Look, if it were up to me, I'd let you sit in the chair but it's against the rules.

Big Boy:
Hey what are you doing here sister? I thought I told you to scram. [spots her cheese] Oh, num-num. [eats the cheese, and burps] I want you to get out, but you wouldn't listen. Now I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson.

Angelica:
Get back get away from me!

Big Boy:
You had your chance. Where do you think you're going sister?

Angelica:
No, please! I'm you big sister!

Big Boy:
Well now you're num-num!

Angelica:
A bad dream! I don't want to be a baby anymore.

Dotted-Line Girl (Lil):
I'm just a dotted line!

Angelitron (Angelica):
Any idiot can see a dotted line!

Josh:
I'm not scared of you.

Angelica:
Oh, yeah.

Josh:
Yeah.

Angelica:
Well, then you're making a big mistake, bucko. [launches another water balloon at Josh]

Chuckie:
Hey, watch it, Angelica!

Angelica:
Give up, cheese-brain?

Josh:
Tell you what, I'll make ya a deal. We'll, split the babies 50/50.

Angelica:
Mm. Who gets the heads?

Josh:
No, I mean, you take two babies, and I'll take two babies. Couldn't be more fair than that.

Angelica:
No way! I came here to get these babies, and I'm not leaving till' I get them all!

Josh:
Oh, yeah?

Angelica:
Yeah.

Josh:
Oh, yeah?

Angelica:
Yeah.

Josh:
Oh, yeah?

Angelica:
Yeah! [as she pushes Josh, causing him to scratch his arm on the edge of the sandbox]

Josh:
[wails] Mommy, she pushed me! [wailing as he run away]

Angelica:
And don't ever let me catch you pickin' on my babies again!

[Close up of a stream of gravy coming down towards the screen and then pans back to reveal it's a plate of gravy with a piece of broccoli and mashed potatoes on it. Angelica is behind it, with a spoon and fork in both of her hands, and not wanting to eat it]

Charlotte:
Just a little taste, sweetie?

Angelica:
NO! [Charlotte looks surprised when Angelica snaps]

Drew:
Come on, sugar-pie. It's good for you. Don't you wanna grow up to be big and strong?

Angelica:
NO! [her father drops the fork when she shouts]

Charlotte:
Honey, the last time you eat broccoli you said it wasn't so bad, remember?

Angelica:
[bangs the table] NO!

Drew:
[as he lost patience] Angelica, if you don't eat some broccoli, then you're not gonna get seconds on dessert.

Angelica:
BUT THAT'S NOT FAIR!!

[Angelica throws the plate to the wall where the shadow of Drew is, it shatters on impact]

Drew:
That's it, Angelica, [he stands up from his chair and points to his left] go to your room!

Angelica:
But, daddy!

Charlotte:
It's too late for talk now, Angelica. We tried to reason with you, but you wouldn't listen!

[Angelica gets up off of chair and heads upstairs, but turns back to her parents]

Angelica:
You'll be sorry! [Drew and Charlotte are speechless after Angelica said that, hear her slam the door upstairs and look at each other]

Angelica:
It's not fair, Cynthia. The grown-ups always get to decide everything. All they do is to boss me around like a little kid or something. I'm 3 years old!

Barnum:
Are you getting a raw deal? Is your boss treating you unfairly? Or perhaps there's a family problem that cries out for third party mediation?

Angelica:
The last one! The family thing!

Barnum:
Don't wait! Call us at the offices of F. Lee Barnum and Sons: "We'll fight for you!"

Angelica:
Hmm...

[The next morning, he pulls in the driveway and rings the doorbell. Drew was in his home office until he hears it]

Drew:
Who could that be?

Barnum:
Thank you. Hello, I'm here to see uh... Miss Angelica C. Pickles.

Drew:
And you are?

Barnum:
My name is F. Lee Barnum, I'm an attorney.

Drew:
An attorney?

Barnum:
Yeah, I engaged by Miss Pickles to handle some pesty legal matters.

Drew:
[laughs] There must be some mistake. You see, Angelica is just little girl, she's not capable of hiring a attorney.

Barnum:
That would be me to determine.

Angelica:
Oh, hi, Mr. Lawyer, come on in.

Drew:
Angelica, what is going on here?

Angelica:
Now you're talking my language.

Charlotte:
Angelica, honey.

Angelica:
Yes?

Charlotte:
I' like to talk about this lawsuit thing.

Angelica:
It's too late for talk now, Mommy. I tried the reason for you, but she wouldn't listen.

Charlotte:
Come on, sweetie. Let's get some ice cream and you can tell me what's bothering you.

Angelica:
That's awful nice of you, Mommy. But on the advice of counsel, I must decline.

Charlotte:
Angelica, if you don't stop all this nonsense right now, I'm gonna-

Angelica:
Careful, Mommy. Don't say anything you might not want repeated in the code of law.

Charlotte:
Now you listen to me.

Angelica:
Uh-uh-uh. The tape's rolling.

Charlotte:
[stammering] Doh. Drew, call your attorney. We're going to the man on this one. [We're all wanted men and the house is bankrupted and has no home, bye bye house forever]

Drew:
So you think she has a case?

Hershowitz:
I'm afraid so, Mr. and Mrs. Pickles, I was strongly to advice you settle this matter out of the court.

Charlotte:
A settlement!

Drew:
He's right, Charlotte. Let's just end this thing as painless thing as possible.

Charlotte:
Uh, maybe you're right.

Hershowitz:
Angelica's lawyer faxed a couple of demands. Can I read them?

Drew:
Sure, How bad could they be?

Hershowitz:
1. Deserve more 24 hours a day, 2. Deserve giving gifts to Angelica day, 3. A missile and smash up doll, 4. A command space flame thrower, 5. A pony, 6...

[Drew who was getting annoyed finally snaps]

Drew:
Enough! I am not going to pushed around by my own Daughter!

Hershowitz:
[sighs] Very well, we prepared to court.

Barnum:
Of course we have a case, this girl has been severely mistreated.

Angelica:
Okay, I'll handle this. Miss. Reporterman, I'm not a bad kid, I'm really not, all I ever wanted is a little ice cream, maybe a toy here or there, I mean, doesn't every three year old have right a little kindness. And now you're trying to make me feel like I'm a bad guy, where will it all end. [Angelica's starts crying of Clarissa about go home. Angelica's stops Clarissa crying sound to get a super-sucker lollipop, everyone laughs. A car pulls up and Drew and Charlotte come out]

Bystander:
Look it's the parents!

[The crowd keeps saying their names repeatedly]

Hershowitz:
My clients has no comments. [he reaches over and covers the camera with his hand] I told you, no comment.

[Later in court, a judge bangs his gavel]

Judge:
Order! Order! [everyone is silent] This court is now in session. Mr. Barnum, Please call your first witness.

Barnum:
I call for the stand, Mrs. Charlotte Pickles! [we see an "El Barato" cigar close to the camera and Barnum pulls it away] Now Mrs. Pickles, is it not true on the last Tuesday night on August 3rd, that you served your 3-year old Angelica a large piece of broccoli for dinner?

Charlotte:
Well, that depends on your word, large. I say it was a small piece.

Barnum:
Mrs. Pickles. Let's not quibble over the size of the serving.

Charlotte:
It seems to me. Your the one is quibbling. [everyone laughs]

Barnum:
Just answer the question Mrs. Pickles.

Charlotte:
What question was that, Mr. Barnum?

Barnum:
Did you or did you not, serve you daughter a disgusting piece of broccoli!

Charlotte:
[offended] I served my daughter broccoli and I wasn't "disgusting"! I was a very healthy nitrous piece of vegetable, Mr. Barnum, rich of vitamin C, any parent would do the same!

Angelica:
OBJECTION!

Barnum:
Angelica, I'm doing a questioning, let me handle this.

Angelica:
But you doing a louse chop of yourself, you won't look good!

Barnum:
[frustrated] How dare you talk to me like that! I am skilled with months of experience!

Angelica:
Your highness, I would like to dismiss my lawyer for discussing conference.

Barnum:
You don't have to! I would rather quit rather helping a little brat like you!

Angelica:
Your majesty, I would like to present my own lawyer.

Judge:
Well, I must admit that all of my years that I never heard a three year old representing herself. But, I guess there's no presence against it.

Angelica:
Well, see you later, Buster! I guess it's back chasing ambushes like you.

[He leaves]

Drew:
But the toy store is out!

Drew:
[gasps] This isn't happening! I was just being a good father!

Judge:
Bailiff! Have this man removed from my court and locked up! [everyone cheers and applauds]

Drew:
No! I'm a good father! I'm a good father! [the bailiff grabs Drew by the shoulders and drags him away] I'm a good father! I'm a good father!

Judge:
[bangs his gavel repeatedly as Drew shouts "I'm a good father!" repeatedly] Order! Order in this court! Order! I demand order! I am the judge here!

[The judge continues yelling at Drew and banging his gavel while the cheers turn into evil laughter as Drew is continued to be dragged away. Finally, the camera zooms in Drew's mouth and we cut to Drew struggling in his sleep in bed. It revealed is was all Drew's dream. Drew then wakes up, gasping]

Drew:
A dream! It was just a dream! Charlotte! Charlotte! Wake up!

Charlotte:
Huh? [she sees the LCD Clock reading 3:01] Drew, It's three in the morning.

Angelica:
[yawn] Hi, Daddy.

Drew:
Hi, sweetie.

Angelica:
Daddy, I'm sorry I was a bad girl.

Drew:
Sweetie, I'm the one to be sorry. I shouldn't have tried to make you eat the broccoli. From now on, you can try the foods you're ready to try.

Angelica:
Daddy, you're the greatest.

Drew:
Nicely dye, princess.

Chuckie:
Spike got it a huge fight.

[The next scene takes place outside Tommy's house the next day. Drew drives his car into the Pickles' driveway. Didi, having just baked a fresh batch of cookies, puts them into the jar until the doorbell rings]

Didi:
Coming!

[Drew and Angelica are outside the door as Didi opens it]

Drew:
We must hurry up, Didi, or we'll be late for the auction! [looks down at Angelica] Now, be a nice little girl for Grandpa, darling!

Angelica:
Of course, Daddy! [runs into Tommy's house. Lou is on the couch, having fallen asleep after reading a "FISHIN'" magazine. She walks past him. Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are in the playpen, and Phil is pulling on a gum-like fashion in Lil's mouth. She walks up to the playpen] Hi, babies, how's this... [sniffs] Alright, where are they?

Tommy:
Where are what?

Angelica:
Don't play dumb, the cookies! I know they're around here, I can smell 'em! [sniffs]

Tommy:
[stands up] But, Angelica....

Angelica:
Of course; the kitchen! [runs into the kitchen. She looks around, until she sees the cookie jar on the counter] Aha! I did so. [runs up to the cookie jar, but just as she grabs it, she is pulled back] Hey!

Tommy:
[revealed to be pulling Angelica back] Don't you remember? Yesterday, you made us promise not to let you eat cookies ever again!

Angelica:
Oh, yes. I forgot about that.

[Phil and Lil walk up to Tommy and Angelica]

Tommy:
Then no more cookies, right? [walks up to the cookie jar and pulls it off the counter. He walks off backwards with it]

Angelica:
Sure, Tommy. No more cookies. [runs up to the cookie jar]

[But Phil and Lil hold her back by pulling on her dress. They groan as they try to hold her back, but she walks towards the cookie jar, pulling them along]

Tommy:
Angelica, if you're gonna keep trying to get these, I'm gonna have to hide 'em! [walks off, carrying the cookie jar]

Angelica:
[growls] Please, wait! I'll make you a deal! [Tommy stops and turns to face her upon hearing this] Just let me have, say, ten or fifteen cookies, and after that, I won't eat any more! [puts one hand over her heart and holds the other one up]

Tommy:
I'm sorry, Angelica. I can't break my promise! [walks off]

Angelica:
[walks up to him as Phil and Lil tried to hold her back] Please, Tommy! Just one little cookie! Please, wait!

Chuckie:
[runs up to Tommy]Perhaps you should let her have a cookie.

[Phil and Lil let go of Angelica's dress]

Phil:
[walks up to Chuckie] Yes, don't be so mean, Tommy.

Lil:
What's one little cookie gonna hurt?

Tommy:
[turns to face the babies and Angelica] No! I promised Angelica that no matter what she did, no matter how much she begged, no matter how much she whined, I wouldn't let her have any cookies! [Angelica clenches her teeth in frustration, and Phil and Lil hold her back by her dress] And guys, I'm gonna keep my promise!

[Phil and Chuckie look at each other]

Chuckie:
I love it if he gives these big speeches!

Tommy:
You guys watch Angelica. I'm gonna hide these cookies! [walks off]

Angelica:
Oh!

[In the next scene, Angelica draws a cookie on a pink piece of paper with a blue crayon. She, along with Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil, are all in the playpen, drawing on pieces of paper with crayons]

Angelica:
Cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie! [drops her crayon and stands up] Excuse me a sec, I'm gonna go check on the babies! [walks off]

Tommy:
Hey, Chuckie, where'd Angelica say she was going?

Chuckie:
To check on the babies.

Tommy:
Oh...alright.

[Tommy and Chuckie stop drawing upon realizing that they have just been fooled by Angelica]

Tommy, Chuckie and Lil:
We are the babies!

[Angelica is now in Tommy's bedroom, tossing various toys out of his box]

Angelica:
Cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie. [by the time she finds the cookies at the bottom of Tommy's toy box, Tommy's room is now a full mess] Aha! That's the ticket! [pulls the cookie jar out and hugs it] Cookies! My beloved cookies! I have found you! [Tommy walks up to her and takes the cookie jar from her] Hey! I want gonna eat them! I just wanted to hold them a little!

[Phil and Lil walk up to Tommy]

Tommy:
I'm sorry, Angelica. This is for your own luck! Now, I'm gonna go hide these in an even better place where you won't find 'em! [walks off with Phil and Lil]

Angelica:
[frowns and collapses] Oh!

Phil:
I'm gonna miss Angelica after all.

Lil:
Yeah, me too.

Charlotte:
[enraged] Those ingrates! I gave MergeCorp the best years of my life and they've given the New York V.P. job to that weasel Jonathan! [rips phone cord from phone] There's no loyalty in this town, Drew!

Tommy:
You like us! You really like us!

[The Rugrats cheering hugging Angelica]

Angelica:
Yuck! I was making it all up! Stop hugging me! Stop it! Stop it! Nothing's change! Cut it out!