Salute Your Shorts, Season 1

Donkeylips:
Great! Just when things are going good, I get this! Garbage! All my life is garbage!

Sponge:
So pick up your life and stuff it back into this trash bag. Come on!

Sponge:
How could you be so dumb?

Donkeylips:
It's not my fault, it's my pocket's fault!

Sponge:
You owned the pants, you own your pocket, it's your fault!

Donkeylips:
No! My mom brought the pants, it's her fault!

Z.Z.:
Look at it this way: cleaning up camp helps the environment!

Budnick:
Look at it this way: zip it!

Donkeylips:
My mom says I'm the right weight.

Telly:
Yeah, if you were nine and a half feet tall.

Budnick:
Hi guys. I come bearing good news.

Z.Z.:
They hung the chef?

Dina:
Either this is some kind of sauce or my bratwurst is sweating.

Z.Z.:
Maybe it's a species of lima bean.

Michael:
I don't think lima beans have little twitching legs.

Budnick:
Wrestling is about dressing up like Sergeant Slaughter and jumping from the top rope

Donkeylips:
I love this guy! He once did a whole show butt-naked!

Sponge:
How could you tell? It's radio!

Michael:
Oh they're broken.

Sponge:
Oh no...

Michael:
What are we gonna do now?

Sponge:
I'm gonna...throw up.

Michael:
No not now...

[Sponge runs offscreen and barfs in the middle of the forest]

Donkeylips:
Whoa! Power puke!

Budnick:
It's a parade of losers...loser, loser, loser, loser...and loser!

Dina:
I'm going to sleep much better knowing I got full fluoride protection.

Dina:
I read that there's something in toothpaste that keeps ghosts away.

Telly:
How?

Dina:
Well, I'm not sure, but it's something 4/5 doctors recommend.

Telly:
Which doctors?

Dina:
Exactly, witch doctors.

Donkeylips:
Cross my heart and hope to die...stick a pizza in my mouth.

Michael:
Ug? who did I just puke on?

Ug:
Hey, Thud, you better go wash up.

[Michael runs away puking again]

Budnick:
[right after the play ends, and the crowd looks perplexed] You know, if we did Amazon Girls a Go-Go, they'd be dancing in the aisles by now.

Donkeylips:
[rapping] I'm a rappin' mouse, and I live in a house, but they say I'm a louse, so I must be a horse, of course.

Ug:
Hey, hey, hey! I may be blue, but I know a giraffe's tongue is...black.

Ug:
No, sorry honey, I can't see you tonight. Because I'm blue. No, not sad blue. Blue blue. Toilet bowl blue!

Ug:
I don't have to be fair, I'm a counselor!

Ug:
What was in that junk?

Budnick:
Mouthwash, cologne from magazine ads.

Ug:
What else?

Budnick:
Blue tie-dye...

Ug:
Tie-dye?!

Radio Announcer:
What color is a giraffe's tongue?

Sponge:
My friends say it's black.

Radio Announcer:
Are you sure you want to trust your friends?

Sponge:
Yes.

Radio Announcer:
Congratulations! You've just won $1000.

Ug:
My name is Ug. I'm the kids' counselor. I'll be taking the money because they made me blue.

Radio Announcer:
You've just won $1000 dollars. How can you be sad?

Ug:
No, no, not "sad" blue! "Blue" blue. "Toilet-bowl" blue.

Michael:
There's two types of questions in this world, guy questions and girl questions. Guy questions are things you know, like how tall the Empire State Building is.

Sponge:
102 stories.

Michael:
Or how fast an ostrich runs.

Sponge:
27 miles per hour.

Michael:
Now, girl questions, well, they're everything else in this world.

Budnick:
Y'know, there's more to life than being smart.

Sponge:
Like what?

Michael:
Like winning money by being smart!

Budnick:
It's like when Solomon King had to make his decision.

Z.Z.:
You mean King Solomon, when he had to cut the baby in half?

Budnick:
No, I mean Solomon King...I went to school with the guy.

Dina:
This is politics, people are supposed to get hurt.

Michael:
Aw no, the bristles on my brush broke.

Budnick':
Wanna buy mine?

Z.Z.:
I came for some drills.

Telly:
Great, we'll run the passing the drill, then we'll do the wind sprint drill...

Z.Z.:
No, no, no, I came for some drills from the woodshop, for my acorn earrings.

Telly:
What about the team?

Z.Z.:
I don't know...I guess I could make earrings for everyone, but I don't think they'll look that great on the guys...see ya.

Ug:
If you wanna be a winner, you have to learn the 4 F's of leadership: fearlessness, fairness, firmness, and control.

Telly:
Control isn't an F.

Ug:
Well then it's...it's 3 Fs and a C.

Telly:
Sounds like Donkeylips' report card.

Telly:
You know what makes us a team?

Dina:
Oh I know, we all wear the same color tank tops.

Z.Z.:
How can nature be out when we all come from the earth?

Dina:
I do not come from the earth...I come from New York.

Michael:
What are you doing?

Budnick:
I'm giving you a wuss hat!

Sponge:
Um, Ug...Donkeylips just gave half the peace sign to that guy on the motorcycle back there.

Ug:
Which half?

[police siren is heard]

Ug:
We've already gone two hundred miles, Z.Z. are you holding the map right?

Z.Z.:
Oh...yeah...

Donkeylips:
Hey cool, There's a machine that sells balloons in here!

Sponge:
Let me see.

Donkeylips:
I can't.

Sponge:
Why?

Donkeylips:
Because I dropped the key in the toilet.

Ug:
Drop and give me 20.

Donkeylips:
But I can only do 8.

Ug:
Make it...50!

Telly:
You guys fell for an amazing, blazing, flying, double back burn.

Z.Z.:
Losing a friend over a little bit of treasure just isn't worth it to me. I found the treasure, it’s mine, It’s all mine! Look, an old park ranger’s badge...

Michael:
Badges? we don’t need no stinkin’ badges...

Ug:
There is a very deep hole in the middle of my infield. Eventually, the hole will fill up with water and the scum will float to the top! Then, Bobby Budnick, you will be mine!

Budnick:
I’ve struck gold, I’ve struck silver, I’ve struck...a water main.

Budnick:
A file, huh? I’ll file him under ‘D’ for ‘Dead Donkey’.

Dina:
Come on, Budnick, you’re our friend, and you can’t put money over friendship. Oh, listen to me.

Michael:
Smooth move, Ex-Lax, I’m outta here!