Samurai Pizza Cats

[Series opener.]

Narrator:
This is Little Tokyo. A Hometown. Like your hometown. That is if your hometown is populated by flying ducks, talking hippos and other cartoon characters. Little Tokyo a city of contrasts where incomes are high, cholesterol levels are low, everyone gets cable TV. And yet a place where quaint street vendors are still a common sight. Little Tokyo where the old meets the new.

Street Vendor:
Fresh natural video tape players! Come get them while they're hot!

Narrator:
Little Tokyo, home of the national tai-chi mahjong champions, the world's third largest ball of twine and of course, the Samurai Pizza Cats Pizza Parlour where you'll find the greatest heroes on earth... the customers.

[Customer speaking to Polly Esther and Francine in the Pizza Parlour.]

Customer:
Hey Lady, do you serve shrimps lady?

Polly Esther:
Do we serve shrimp? Of course we do.

Francine:
Sure. It doesn't matter to us how short you are.

Polly Esther:
Can you believe those two guys getting all starry eyed over a girl like Lucille?

Francine:
Tomcats. You can't live with them and you can't throw them down a well and drown them. There really aught to be a law.

[After a lengthy scene where Speedy and Guido take turns stealing the delivery from each other, Guido is run over by a passing merchant cart. Speedy is sitting on the back waving at Guido.]

Speedy Cerviche:
It's been fun. But I gotta run!

Guido Anchovy:
Whats with the violence!? I got a clause in my contract so I don't have to do that drastic stuff! Hey! Somebody get my agent on the phone right now.

[Speedy arrives at Lucille's Tea House]

Lucille:
Well, my my, look what the cat dragged in.

Guido:
Darn, I would do anything for you, Lucille. To other people, you might just be a hand painted animated character but you mean a lot more than that to me.

[a dragon is flying around the sky knocking into buildings]

Narrator:
An entire city block is flattened in the blink of an eye, including a retirement home for ageing ninja turtles.

[The Pizza Cats launch sequence commences. The cats are loaded into a giant gun-shaped launcher that projects from the top of the Pizza Parlour.]

Francine:
It's launch time folks.

Narrator:
The Samurai Pizza Cats leap into action. Polly Esther. Speedy Cerviche. Guido Anchovy.

Chorus:
[sung] Samauri Pizza Cats.

Narrator:
They're ready to fire when you need them just call. They know how to stop crime. Just do what they say. If you don't want a bad time, stay outta their way. [laughs] oh I love those cats.

Chorus:
[sung] Samurai Pizza Cats.

Narrator:
The heroes who always wear fur. [laughs]

Francine:
All systems go. Wind speed and trajectory look good and our biorhythms couldn't be better. Stand by.

Francine:
[loudspeaker] Attention citizens of Little Tokyo. They're off on a mission to save the whole city. What an achievement if you are a kitty.

Francine:
kaboom!

[The Pizza Cats are shot out of the gun into the air in balls of fire/smoke.]

Child:
Look, there goes those stupid pizza cats polluting the atmosphere again!

Mother:
Good grief as if it weren't bad enough dodging pigeons.

[The dragon is causing mayhem and destruction in the city]

Bad Bird:
[Evil laugh] Go ahead make my day!

Speedy Cerviche:
[Off screen] Hey, worm-breath!

Bad Bird:
Who said that?

Speedy Cerviche:
Three guesses bird brain.

Guido Anchovy:
We'll give you a hint. We're the stars of this cartoon.

Bad Bird:
You guys. Well, you're too late this time.

Polly Esther:
We spoke to the producer! There's plenty of time left in the episode.

Bad Bird:
What? Now they tell me!

[The Pizza Cats introduce themselves]

Guido Anchovy:
Sorry Chicken Licken, when the going gets tough, I like to play rough. I'm Guido Anchovy.

Polly Esther:
And I've got no match when its time to scratch. You can call me Polly Esther. Love ya! [Blows Kiss]

Speedy Cerviche:
I'm the only cat in this show who doesn't know how to rhyme. Speedy Cerviche at your service.

Pizza Cats Together:
Samurai Pizza Cats!

Bad Bird:
Holy Hairball! I haven't seen such a cheap theatrical entrance since Junior High School drama class. Only there the costumes were better!

[Guido Anchovy uses his umbrella weapon on the Ninja Crows]

Narrator:
The Samurai Sunspot Umbrella. When Guido fires it up, you know the pizza cats are really cooking!

Bad Bird:
That pun was horrible.

Speedy Cerviche:
Man, I've heard of turning up the heat on crime but this really bakes the cake. If you're taking orders, you know I like my bird a little crispy on the outside.

Polly Esther:
Yeah but watch out for heartburn.

[Polly Esther uses her claws on the Ninja Crows]

Polly Esther:
Now it's time for the claws of repression! Come and get it love birds!

[Speedy Cerviche uses his sword on the Dragon legs]

Narrator:
...calling on mystical powers of the magical Ginzu sword. Carefully withdrawing the patented self-sharpening blade from its sheath he's ready for action. He's ready for danger. He's ready to accept the coveted Emmy award for the best stupid pet trick. Wielding his blade like a surgeon's scalpel he lets out a battle cry.

Speedy Cerviche:
It's time to op-er-ate!

Polly:
GO ON, GET GOING!

Speedy:
Please Polly not the washroom!

Guido:
I always knew your career would end up in the toilet

Speedy:
YOU LITTLE RAT!!

Polly:
WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?!

Speedy:
There was a little rat, didn't ya see it?

Narrator:
(spoken) Will somebody PLEASE cue that bird?

Chorus:
Samurai Pizza Cats (Oh yeah)

Narrator:
Who do you call when you want some pepperoni?

Chorus:
Samurai Pizza Cats (Right on)

Narrator:
They're stampin' out crime and you know that ain't baloney.

There's Speedy Cerviche he's the leader of the bunch. (That's right!)

A heck of a fighter! (Whoa!) Makes a heck of a lunch!

And little Polly Esther who's never afraid, (That's me)

Of going into battle when the bad guys invade!

There's Guido Anchovy, a wild romantic rover.

This cat gets down, down with a love hangover!

Chorus:
Here Come the Pizza Cats!

Narrator:
They're so bad!

They've got more fur than any turtle ever had.

Chorus:
They're stronger than old cheese! (Stronger than old cheese)

They're stronger than dirt! (Stronger than dirt)

If you step on their tails (Polly meows) And you're gonna get hurt (Don't hurt me!)

Samurai Pizza Cats!

Narrator:
They're fighting crime...

Chorus:
All over town!

4, 3, 2, 1. Pizza Cats are on the run!

Narrator:
The Big Cheese is the villan, who's lower than low.

It's a rotten shame he lives in Little Tokyo!

We've got a nasty Bad Bird and some nasty Ninja Crows,

As soon as someone finds the script, we might begin the show!

Sit right back, pick up your feet, turn the sound up high,

And if you want the full effect, go eat a pizza-pie!

Chorus:
Samurai Pizza Cats (narrator laughs as Speedy falls into the sea)

Narrator:
Ladies and Gentleman! The Samurai Pizza Cat Fan Club Oath!

The Big Cheese:
The Pizza Cats are Samurai and I'd like to note...

Jerry Atric:
Their antics take your breath away...

The Big Cheese:
Like furballs in your throat.

Speedy:
We kittens are a special breed. We never call retreat.

Guido:
Whenever Big Cheese knocks us down...

Polly:
We land upon (blows a kiss) our feet!

Narrator:
So hail to thee, o Pizza Cat! Please ring your little bell! (Speedy rings his collar bell)

Although you may be pen and ink, we know you'll fight like...

All: PIZZA CATS! (song starts)

Chorus:
Samurai Pizza Cats!

Narrator:
We hope you liked the show, it's the best that we could do.

Chorus:
Samurai Pizza Cats!

Narrator:
If you could do better, then we'd leave it up to you.

Just a reminder, you might like to know! The Cats will be back for another big show! (laughs) Oh gosh!

Chorus:
Samurai Pizza Cats!

Narrator:
They're fighting crime. Oh yes!

Chorus:
All over town.

2, 4, 6, 8! Why do we expectorate? Samurai Pizza Cats!

Narrator:
Read all the credits, so you know who did the work.

Chorus:
Samurai Pizza Cats! (Narrator laughs)