Saturday Night Live, Season 2

President Ford:
It was my understanding that there would be no math during the debates.

Chevy Chase:
Good evening, I'm God! Let's take a look at tonight's top stories, shall we?

Chevy Chase:
Ugandan dictator Idi Amin has decided to go under species change surgery. If the surgery was successful, he will take a career on American television. However, if the surgery is unsuccessful, he will eat American television.

Chevy Chase:
(on the phone) Don't worry. I'll do Jiminy Cricket.

(makes a Jiminy Cricket face, then sings)

When you wish upon a star,

your..

(realized he's on the air and hangs up)

Chevy Chase:
Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase, and I don't like you.

Catherine the Great:
Oh well, I guess I am queen. And a queen is a queen. But I am also a woman. And a woman is a woman.

Snowball:
And a horse is a horse.

Catherine the Great:
Of course, of course.

Chevy Chase:
Well, on the warmmer, happier side of life, far from the stories which seem sad or tragic, baby gorilla Boom-Boom was flown by Concorde from Paris to Washington last Thursday, to join the Ringling Bros. Barnum and Bailey's Zoo & Circus. Boom-Boom enchanted passengers and stewardesses during the three-and-a-half hour flight by dancing in the aisles, making cute noises, and breaking into the cockpit and ripping apart the face of the captain, mutiliating the navigator, and crash-landing the jet in Greenland. One humorous note: There are no survivors.

Chevy Chase:
Well, the results of the election are in. Gerald Ford: 0. Jimmy Carter: 0. More on this as it develops.

Jane Curtin:
Actress Sally Field is making a comeback, in a 4-hour drama, Sybil, to be televised tomorrow night on NBC. Adapted from the book, "Sybil" is a story of a woman who took refuge in sixteen different personalities. Sally welcomes the challenge of this role, and feels confident to pull it off. As she recently told the reporter: "Thank you, it's nice to be here." "Should I check your oil, ma'am?" "And now it's time to play, Double Jeopardy!" "We'll call this baby... Jesus." "Je m'appel Henri!" "Franklin, stop playing with that and come to bed!" "Good Yante, Rabbi." "I do." "Who is this masked man?" "I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not!" "Come on, Sandy, we gotta find Daddy Warbucks!" "$20 for me, $10 for the hotel." "Every boy wants a Hasbro toy!" "Hey, Abbotttt!" "I am not a crook!" Lassie, it's me Timmy!" "And as god as my witness, I'll never be hungry again."

Peter:
[on the phone] Hello? Hello?

Jimmy Carter:
Yes. Hello, Peter?

Peter:
[on the phone] Is this the President?

Jimmy Carter:
Yes, it is.

Walter Cronkite:
Do you have a question for the President?

Peter:
[on the phone] Uh.. I uh.. I took some acid.. I'm afraid to leave my apartment, and I can't wear any clothes.. and the ceiling is dripping, and uh..

Walter Cronkite:
Well, thanks you very much for calling, sir..

Jimmy Carter:
Just a minute, Walter, this guy's in trouble. I think I better try to talk him down. Peter?

Peter:
[on the phone] Yeah..?

Jimmy Carter:
Peter, what did the acid look like?

Peter:
[on the phone] They were these little orange pills.

Jimmy Carter:
Were they barrel shaped?

Peter:
[on the phone] Uh.. yes.

Jimmy Carter:
Okay, right, you did some orange sunshine, Peter.

Peter:
[on the phone] Very good of you to know that, sir.

Jimmy Carter:
How long ago did you take it, Peter.

Peter:
[on the phone] Uh.. I don't know. I can't read my watch.

Jimmy Carter:
Alright, Peter, just listen. Everything is going to be fine. You're very high right now. You will probably be that way for five more hours. Try taking some Vitamin B complex, Vitamin C complex.. if you have beer, go ahead and drink it.

Peter:
[on the phone] Okay..

Jimmy Carter:
Just remember you're a living organism on this planet, and you're very safe. You've just taken a heavy drug. Relax, stay inside, and listen to some music. Do you have any Allman Brothers?

Peter:
[on the phone] Yes, I do, sir. Everything is okay, huh Jimmy?

Jimmy Carter:
It sure is, Peter. You know, I'm against drug use myself, but I'm not going to lay that on you right now. Just mellow out the best you can, okay?

Peter:
[on the phone] Okay.

Jimmy Carter:
Okay!

Jane Curtin:
According to a book published this week, that not only George Washington has wooden teeth, but America's first president also had a wooden eye, a wooden leg, four wooden toes, a wooden wrist, a wooden spleen, and a wooden prostate gland. In fact, he was the rowboat that crossed Delaware. Don't you love history?

Gags Beasley:
Remember this: There is a thin line between comedy and humor.

Jane Curtin:
Well, Watergate cover-up co-conspirators John Mitchell, John E. Erlichman, and Cubby Haldeman have been signed on as Mouseketeers on the Mickey Mouse Club TV series. When asked to comment on this unusual move, the three defendants quote in unison, "Why, because we like you!"

Emily Litella:
[her phone messenge] Hello, this is Emily Litella. I'm not home right now. But I will call you back as soon as possible. Just leave your name, number, and what time you called, after you hear the sound of the jeep. [beep]

Jane Curtin:
Today was the 102nd running of the Preakness, and our Update sports team was there, where we not only covered the race but also attached a microphone to the jockey of the race's winner, Seattle Slew.

[cut to stock footage of the race]

Jockey:
[voiceover] Ouch..! Ouch..! Ow..! Oh, boy..! Hey.. hey.. aiiee..! Ow-ay.. ow..! Ow.. ow.!

Horse:
[voiceover] It's okay, we'll be alright!

Jockey:
[voiceover] Okay. Oh..! Ow..! Ow..!

Horse:
[voiceover] We're okay!

Jockey:
[voiceover] I know, my- ow!

Horse:
[voiceover] Ohhh, I told you, Wilbur!

Jockey:
[voiceover] Ow, I wish I was wearing my jockey shorts-- aiieee! Ow..!

Horse:
[voiceover] Oh boy, Wilbur! Oh..! Good boy!

[cut back to Jane Curtin at the news deck]

Jane Curtin:
A footnote to the race: the other favorite, Run Dusty Run, not noted for being a good loser, threw a tantrum and had to be dragged away kicking and screaming.