Saturday Night Live, Season 12

Derek Stevens:
(singing "The Lady I Know")

There's a lady I know

If I didn't know her

She'd be the lady I didn't know.

And my lady, she went downtown

She bought some broccoli

She brought it home.

She's choppin' broccoli

Choppin' broccoli

Choppin' broccoli

Choppin' broccoli

She's choppin' broccoli

She's choppin' broccoli

She's chop.. ooh!

She's choppin' broccola-ah-ie!

Mephistopheles:
(hypnotically at camera) You, watching this at home, worship me! I command you! Become my willing thralls and live enternally!

Doug Llewellen:
That's all for this edition of "The People's Court."

Mephistopheles:
Know the sweet, sublime feeling of complete obedience to your Evil Master! Come serve me, the Prince of Darkness, I command it! Hear me!

Baliff:
Come on, let's go! Come on!

Mephistopheles:
Wait, wait just a second... Obey me! Obey me! (laughs wickedly)

Dennis Miller:
Tonight's top story: Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse turned up in the People's Republic of China this week to promote their series in Chinese television. This is just part of a worldwide Disney organization, which also includes "Goofy in Beirut" and also a new Disney character, "Hassenfutz in Nicaragua."

Dennis Miller:
And the New York Mets defeated the Boston Red Sox in Game 6 of the World Series tonight, prompting New York Yankees owner, George Steinbrenner to fire his manager Lou Piniella.

Steve Martin:
If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

If I had two wishes that I could wish for this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace...and the second would be for $30 million a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account.

You know, if I had three wishes that I could make this holiday season, first, of course, would be for all the children to get together and sing, the second would be for the $30 million every month to me, and the third would be for all encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe.

And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, first would be the crap about the kids, second would be for the $30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought about slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model, Paulina somebody, I can't think of her name, of course my lovely wife could come, too. She's behind me 100% on this, I guarantee you.

Wait a minute, maybe that sex thing should be the first wish! So, if I made that the first wish, because, you know, it could all go boom tomorrow, and then what have you got? No, no, the kids singing would be great, that would be nice. Wait a minute, who am I kidding! I mean, they're not gonna be able to get all those kids together! I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible! It's more trouble than it's worth! So, we reorganize, here we go. First, the sex thing-we go with that; second, the money. No! We go with the power second, then the money, and then the kids. Oh, wait, oh geez! I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay, revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in Hell! That would be the fourth wish! And of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of peace and harmony. Thank you, everybody.

Madonna:
It was all a dream. A horrible, horrible dream.