Saturday Night Live, Season 22

Norm MacDonald:
While jogging on San Diego this weekend President Clinton was berated by tourist Valerie Parker who shouted at him, quote: "You're a draft-dodging, yellow-bellied liar, you're a disgrace to the office of the Presidency, to your gender and to this nation," and then added: "I'm still gonna vote for you".

Nat X:
So what's going on in the news today? Same thing every day: O.J. Black people too happy, white people too mad. I haven't seen that many mad white people since they cancelled M*A*S*H. Everybody "Hey look at all them black people too happy talkin' about "Look what we won! We won, we won!" Hey - what we won? I ain't get nothin' yet! Every day Nat X look in his mailbox, nothin' in there. Where my O.J. prize? Okay? Everybody talkin' about its about race, it's about race. That's a bunch of crap. It's about fame. 'Cause if O.J. wasn't famous, he'd be in jail right now. That's right-if O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn't even be O.J. He'd be Orenthal the bus driving murderer.

Tori Spelling (Cheri Oteri):
Hi Nat! It's good to be here, how are you?

Nat X:
Look, don't come here a kissin' my behind. The only reason you're here is 'cause your daddy paid me, okay? Now I saw your movie of the week.

Tori Spelling:
Oh thanks, did you like it?

Nat X:
Did I like it? Let me put it this way: I've seen better actin in a Cambodian whorehouse! Alright? I've seen better actin' in tough actin' Tinactin.

Norm MacDonald:
Yesterday, in a dramatic finish to his White House bid, Bob Dole began a 96-hour, 15-state, non-stop campaign tour that will take him right through Election day. Political experts are calling the grueling marathon a, quote, "last ditch effort," while medical experts are calling it, quote, "a suicide attempt".

Norm MacDonald:
In Atlanta this week, two separate bomb blasts rocked a building which houses an abortion clinic. Asked if there were any suspects, an FBI spokesman said, "We don't want to rush to judgment like we did in the Olympic Park bombing case," but then added, "It's Richard Jewell."

Norm MacDonald:
In Springfield, Missouri, the local cable company mistakenly aired five minutes of explicit sex scenes from the Playboy Channel on the Cartoon Network, during an episode of The Flintstones. Experts say that children who saw the broadcast called it the "greatest Flintstones episode ever!" In literary news, the ever-reclusive J.D. Salinger will publish his first book in 34 years. Asked what inspired him to finally write again, Salinger said, "Get the hell off my lawn!"

Norm MacDonald:
Finally, according to the U.S. News & World Report 1997 Career Guide, the best job in the United States, for the second year in a row, is Interactive Business System Analyst. However, last year's worst job, Assistant Crack Whore, has been replaced by a new worst job: Crack Whore Trainee.

Will Ferrell:
They say Gene Roddenberry got the idea for Star Trek from Brasky talkin' in his sleep!

Alec Baldwin:
He hated Mexicans!

Will Ferrell:
And he was half Mexican!

Mark McKinney:
And he hated irony!