Saturday Night Live, Season 36

Seth Meyers:
So, Stefon, right off the bat, it's great to see you. What did you do this summer?

Stefon:
All of it.

Seth Meyers:
So, Stefon, if someone is coming-relax, buddy, you're gonna do great. If someone is coming to the city this fall and wants to have the full New York experience-you know, do some fun stuff-where should they go?

Stefon:
If you're looking for an experience, look no further. New York's hottest club is Trash. As you step through the stainless steel doors of this meat-packing hot spot, you'll be greeted by none other than Pierre the Muslim Elvis impersonator. This club has everything-clones, freaks, sneezing, a Russian man on a prepaid cell phone, and anyone can get in. There's no password. At the door, just do the Cosby face.

Seth Meyers:
The Cosby face?

Stefon:
Yeah, uh...[Flashes his fingers in front of his face and pokes through wide-eyed]

Seth Meyers:
Well, that is nice of them to make it so easy for folks to get in. But Stefon, what about someone who...let's say they're coming to New York for the first time, and they wanna have one of those classic New York nights.

Stefon:
Yes, yes, I'm with you.

Seth Meyers:
So where should they go?

Stefon:
Seth, New York's hottest club is Gush. Club owner Gay Dunaway has built a fantasy word...world that answers the question: "Now?". This place has everything-geeks, sherpas, a Jamaican nurse wearing a shower cap, room after room of broken mirrors, and look over there in the corner. Is that Mick Jagger? No, it's a fat kid on a Slip 'n Slide. His knees look like biscuits...[Briefly breaks into laughter and covers his face] ...and he's ready to party.

Seth Meyers:
It was not Mick Jagger?

Stefon:
[fighting through laughter] No, it wasn't Mick Jagger, it was a fat kid with biscuit knees.

Seth Meyers:
Just wanted to double-check. Stefon, now the reason I wrote you and asked you to come back here...

Stefon:
A letter.

Seth Meyers:
I wrote you a letter 'cause that's the only way you'll communicate. I wrote you the letter and I asked you to come back here because New York is really making a push...tourism push for normal American families.

Stefon:
Yes, they are.

Seth Meyers:
They are, yes. Yes, so if you could just take a minute, and you don't have to do it now, but if you could take a minute and think of just some fun wholesome places, not for people like you, but for visitors-American visitors from normal middle America, we would really appreciate it. So just don't talk until you're sure you have it.

Stefon:
I got it already. New York's hottest club is Push! This club has everything-ghosts, banjos, Carl Paladino, a stuck-up kitten who won't sign autographs, Furkels...

Seth Meyers:
Do I wanna know?

Stefon:
Yes, you do.

Seth Meyers:
Furkels are...

Stefon:
Fat Urkels.

Seth Meyers:
Sure they are.

Stefon:
And after you've been with one of those guys, you'll ask yourself, "Did I do that?"

Seth Meyers:
Stefon, if I were you, I'd be asking myself that all the time. Stefon, not to belabor the point, but we were looking for fun activities a mom, a dad, a grandma, a grandpa, and some kids could enjoy. You instead took us on a tour of a coked-up gay Candyland.

Stefon:
That's accurate, that's accurate.

Seth Meyers:
But I think we'll have you back.

Stefon:
Hooray!

Miley:
There's a photo of me being kissed by a dude

And Annie Leibovitz tried to get me nude

For those of you who think that's very crude

I'm sorry that I'm not perfect!

I never stole a necklace or got a DUI.

Never cheated on my wife like that golfer guy

So what, you could see a little boob from the side?

I'm sorry that I'm not perfect!

And sure, I danced on a pole, and people called it sinning

But at least I didn't date a porn star and tell everyone I'm "winning."

[Joined by Kristen and Bobby]

Kristen:
Didn't make a dirty tape and pass it along.

Bobby:
Didn't text a photo of your dong.

Miley:
Don't both of these things seem worse than a bong?

I'm sorry

Kristen and Bobby:
She's sorry

Miley:
So sorry

Kristen and Bobby:
So sorry

Miley:
Really sorry that I'm not...

Miley, Kristen and Bobby:
Perfect!

Seth Meyers:
Donald Trump, who claims to be testing the waters for a presidential bid, sparked controversy this week by demanding to see Barack Obama's birth certificate. Look, if Donald Trump wants to talk about Barack Obama's birth certificate, what do I care? Though if he loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife? What bothers me is that he's getting so much attention for this fake presidential run. I know Trump thinks any publicity is good publicity, the same way he apparently thinks any hair is good hair. But why are the rest of us talking about this like he really might be President? If saying you were going to do something counted, my dad would be on the cover of Finished Basement Magazine. I think the problem is that with this GOP field, Trump actually seems like a viable candidate, and conversely, all the candidates remind me of contestants on Celebrity Apprentice. Look, Newt Gingrich, you're a trusted conservative, you're a religious man, you brought divorce papers to your wife when she was in the hospital for cancer. [Singing] Two out of three ain't bad, that makes you Meat Loaf, and you're fired. Mitt Romney, you basically created Obamacare in Massachusetts, and now you're running against it, so you're attacking the exact same thing you used to get ahead. You're Jose Canseco, and you're fired. Rick Santorum, this week you said that the reason Social Security is insolvent is that America has aborted 1/3 of its children. Everything out of your mouth makes me say, "WHAT?!" You're Lil Jon, and you're fired. Herman Cain, I don't know a single thing about you. You're John Rich, and you're fired. Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, sexy from a distance, crazy up close. Lisa Rinna and NeNe Leakes, you're fired, you're fired. And finally, Donald Trump, you're bossy, you're entitled, you probably still listen to Burt Bacharach. You're Dionne Warwick, and you're fired.