Saturday Night Live, Season 5

Jane Curtin:
Miss Lillian Carter removes her makeup. This and other stories coming up on Weekend Update next.

Bill Murray:
The British rock group, The Who, Cincinnati's Riverfront Stadium, and a concert promoter were named as co-defendants in a $27 million class-action suit, because of the mishap that occurred earlier this week. The legal proceedings was marred, however, when they broke for lunch, four city councilmen were trampled to death.

Jane Curtin:
This just in: Paul McCartney was freed, but the crisis continued in Tokyo.

Father Guido Sarducci:
I had a bunch of Quaaludes in my sock.

Father Guido Sarducci:
Live from New York and the wonderful empire of Japan, it's Saturday Night.

Mr. Potato Head:
[sings]

I am Mr. Potato Head

The pride of Ireland green.

Lady Pinth Garnell:
Tune in next week on Bad Playhouse, where we present an awful Japanese version of Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. So until then, good night.

Al Franken:
The top ten shows for the 1979-1980 television season included some A's, some B's, some C's, and some S's. Did you see any N's? No. Not one N. Why? Because Silverman is a lame-o! And I heard he has a nice limousine service. I like to call it "A Limo for a Lame-o."

[after Mr. Bill was caught trying to escape]

Mr. Hands:
Uh oh, they see you. And the warden (Sluggo) says that you are surrounded. So stand up and reach for the sky.

Mr. Bill:
[still trapped in rubble] No wait! I'm stuck! So don't shoot, okay?

[prison firing squad doesn't believe him and fires under Warden Sluggo's orders]

Mr. Bill:
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! They shot me! Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

[The firing squad spells the words "THE END" in bullets on Mr. Bill's body]

Mr. Hands:
Bye bye!

Butler:
Lord and Lady Douchebag!

Earl of Sandwich:
Douchebag, how are you? I haven't seen you at the House of Lords in ages! Don't tell me for the first time in memory we are going to have a House of Parliament without a Douchebag?

Lord Douchebag:
My dear Sandwich, Parliament has always had its share of Douchebags, and it always will.

Lord Salisbury:
Spoken like a true Douchebag.

[During the goodnights]

Buck Henry:
Thank you for coming. Good night... and goodbye.

Father Guido Sarducci:
(outside Paul McCartney's den) Well, the pence hitting the window didn't work. My serenading didn't even work, but I know THIS is going to work. Rock. (Throws a rock at the window-the lights turn on). That's an old gossip columnist trick. Miss Roland taught me that one. Works every time. He'll be out-I know it. (Paul comes out) Here he comes and this is it if you can believe it!