Saved by the Bell, Season One

Zack:
Come on Jessie, there's lots of guys taller than you.

Jessie:
Name one.

Zack:
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?

Zack:
Jessie, I'm in big trouble.

Jessie:
What did you do, sell your parents' house again?

Danny:
Jessie, would you like to be my dance partner in the contest?

Jessie:
(Standing up) I'd love to...(Seeing how short Danny is) but I don't believe in dance contests.

Screech:
(To the doll he was dancing with after being turned down by Lisa) It's all your fault, I told you to let me should lead!

Casey Kasem:
C'mon everybody, let's do the... the.. the Sprain.

Kelly:
What happened to you?

Lisa:
I kicked the TV and sprained my ankle.

Jessie:
Why?

Lisa:
I was watching the new Revlon commercial and they discontinued my nail polish.

Zack:
This looks like a job for, Zack-man.

Lisa:
You think I went overboard?

Zack:
Like the crew of the Titanic.

Zack:
The moral of the story, gang. Well, it's simple; (Zack shows a credit card with the name Lisa on it) The Lisa Card, don't leave home WITH it.

Zack:
Screech even sold his body to science.

Jessie:
Yeah, they gave him twenty dollars to take it back.

Kid:
Miss, this isn't what I ordered. You were supposed to toast my buns!

Lisa:
You want toasted buns? Go sit on a microwave!

Lisa:
I'm sorry, Max.

Max:
That's okay. It's only the third tray you've dropped. Don't worry about it.

Zack:
How's she doing? Let me put it another way. If Lisa were a car, she'd be recalled.

Zack:
We only made $53 selling Lisa's clothes. So, she had to do the most humiliating, insulting, degrading thing possible for her - get a job.

Slater:
I'm confused, sir. You know, maybe I'm just trying too hard to get girls to like me.

Mr. Belding:
Hey, now I can identify with that. This may come as a surprise to you, but when I was your age, I wasn't... well, you know... the hunk I am now!

Slater:
I can't believe this, sir! No, I thought you were Stud City!

Mr. Belding:
Everybody thinks that!

Zack:
... Kelly got B's, and her parents got her ice cream... (looks at report card) I haven't figure out WHAT to buy my parents yet!

Slater:
Does this look like a good dress sir?

Mr. Belding:
Well I guess so, is it for your Girlfriend?

Slater:
No Sir, it's for me. I wanted to wear it to school tomorrow.

Come in to my office young lady--Slater!

Zack:
A bad day at Bayside and not a vacation in sight. Now is time for midterms and the worst of them all is history with..

Zack{booming voice}:
Terrible Testaverde!

Students in passageway flee in panic. Lisa appears with donuts as she is overeating due to nervousness

Lisa:
Zack Morris, do not mention that man's name!

Zack:
Oh you mean Terrible...UMPH!

Lisa shoves donut in Zack's mouth

Lisa:
Here, have a donut. Have some more...no wait, I need the rest!

Mr. Testaverde:
Where's the flood?!

Mr. Belding:
George?! I thought you were hospitalized!

Mr. Testaverde:
Richard?! I thought the pipes burst and flooded the school. That is why I am here, plumbing is my hobby!

Mr. Belding:
That never happened, I am here to give your midterm, see?

Mr. Testaverde:
These are not the questions to my midterm. Richard, you called me.

Mr. Belding:
No George, you called me. Hold on a moment, you just called me Richard!

Mr. Testaverde:
Yes, I always call you Richard, and you always call me George.

Mr. Belding:
Right, the person on the other line called me Mr. Belding.

Mr. Testaverde:
Just like the person on the other line called me Mr. Testaverde.

Mr. Belding:
But what kind of devious creature would make two fake phone calls? (Zack's cell phone rings and Belding picks it up) Zack can't come to the phone right now. He's on his way to pick up his season tickets to detention. If you'd like to leave a message, please wait for the beep.

Zack:
Beep.

Mr. Belding:
Screech, your mother called and told me about lightning hitting you. Now, I just want to make sure you're doing alright. Tell me -

Screech:
8:30 last night.

Mr. Belding:
...when exactly were you struck by lightning? 8:30?

Screech:
Yeah.

Mr. Belding:
Are there any -

Screech:
One.

Mr. Belding:
...side effects? Did you say one?

Screech:
Yeah, but it's a secret. I'm not supposed to tell anyone that I can see the future.

Mr. Belding:
See the future? Screech, that's -

Screech:
Preposterous?

Mr. Belding:
Right.

Mr. Belding:
Now, where was I?

Screech:
You were about to say no one has the power to see the future.

Mr. Belding:
Right, Screech, no one has the power to see the future!

Screech:
Oops, I'll pick them up!

Mr. Belding:
Pick what up? (knocks over pencil holder) Uh... Screech, I'm just curious. My mother-in-law is staying with us indefinitely. By any chance, can you tell me -

Screech:
She'll be gone by Tuesday.

Mr. Belding:
ALRIGHT!

Jessie:
You know, you guys, I just remembered, there was one time that I did not get an A. I was in the fourth grade, Mr. Simmons had a nervous breakdown and gave the entire class L's and Q's.

Kelly:
Why is getting an A so important to you?

Jessie:
It's not important. Alright, it is, I know it shouldn't be, but I just can't help myself. It's my whole identity.

Kelly:
What are you talking about?

Jessie:
Will you stop hollering at me? Everyone's gotta be something, right? She's the fashionable one, you're the popular one and, who am I?

Kelly:
The wacko one.

[Students got slaughtered by Mr. Testaverde's midterm. Test results are in]

Kelly:
I do not believe this, C-! [Kelly grabs Zack's lapels after he overconfidently claimed he could help her] Zack Morris, I am a forgiving person, but you are going to need a lot of goodwill to overcome this!

Jessie:
Lisa, what is that funny looking letter next to my name?

Lisa:
It's a Q, Jessie.

Jessie:
No, really, really, I can take it. Whatever I got, I deserved. For the first time in my life, I took the easy way out. I'm prepared to face the consequences.

Lisa:
It's a B, Jessie. [Jessie faints]

Screech:
Zack, I got an A!

Zack:
Hey, Screech, how did you do that?

Screech:
Well, I was seeing so many pictures, I just stayed up all night and went over everything.

Zack:
Ohh, you cheated! You studied!

Slater:
As for me, D+ and now we go to the bottom of the barrel, Zack Morris, F-! I got the higher score Preppie, so I win. I get back my bomber jacket, and you can use your mobile phone to order me a pizza and your credit card to pay for it!

[Class departs room save for Zack, who calls pizza parlor]

Zack:
Yes, I would like to order a large pizza. For toppings I would like mushrooms, anchovies, and the hottest peppers you can find!

Kelly:
So many boys, so little time.

Zack:
Kelly.

Kelly:
Hi Zack.

Zack:
So Kel, big dance friday night, huh?

Kelly:
I haven't asked anyone yet Zack.

Zack:
Really, well I just want to know that I'm keeping my calendar clear, you know what I mean?

Kelly:
I know what you mean, you want me to ask you?

Zack:
You could do worse.

Slater:
You could do better.... a lot better.

Zack:
Mr. Belding... quick, you gotta help me. My life is being threatened by one of your students!

Mr. Belding:
Just one? You're losing your touch. Zack, calm down. Just tell me who's threatening you.

Zack:
Kelly "The Killer" Kapowski.

Mr. Belding:
Kelly Kapowski?

Zack:
Yes.

Mr. Belding:
Excuse me for a minute.

[turns head to laugh]

Mr. Belding:
[still snickering] What's she gonna do? Spike you to death with a volleyball?

Slater:
(on realizing Zack is Bambi) Preppy, is that you? NIIIICEEE legs.

Screech:
No, actually, you've helped me. You've made me realize that there are a million fish in the sea and I'm just a worm to attract them.

Mr. Belding:
I am never going to the bathroom again.

Zack:
What's she doing here?

Lisa:
I went over to Jessie's and said, Jessie, I need to borrow your color wheel. Jessie said, Why? I said, Zack needs it. She said, Why? And so I told her and she said ...

Jessie:
Why, I wouldn't miss this for the world.

Zack:
Do you think I want to dress up as a girl?

Jessie:
Your legs.

Slater:
What's happening here, Screech? Nobody wants me around anymore.

Screech:
Can you blame them, Brillo head?

Screech:
Hey, Zack, Slater isn't that great. You could do that too if you had muscles.

Slater:
Did they really say that (call him a "chauvinistic, musclebound meathead")?

Screech:
Hey, would I have the guts to make it up?

Teacher:
Hey! This is Study Hall, not Soul Train!

Mr. Crane:
Everyone tell me your names...

Screech:
I'm Screech.

Slater:
I'm Slater.

Kelly:
(dreamily) I'm yours.

Zack:
I'm bummed!

Mr. Crane (as Romeo):
With love's light wings did I o'erperch these walls. For stony limits cannot hold love out. And what love can do, that dares love attempt.

Kelly (as Juliet):
If my kinsmen see thee, they will murder thee.

Slater:
Go kinsmen!

Zack:
Oh to be that straw sitting in my lady's cup! Gladly would I be made of plastic and risk drowning in a sea of cola to touch fair Kelly's lips.

Coburn:
All right. Now, what about my 10 bucks?

Zack:
[hands him a 10] Oh, yeah, here you go.

Coburn:
Hey, wait a minute, Jason Bateman's not on a $10 bill.

Zack:
Oh, you noticed.

Zack:
Did you wash your face today?

Screech:
Why would I do that during the week?

Screech:
Zack! My worst nightmare has come true!

Zack:
You found out that ALF is a puppet.

Screech:
He is??!!

Kelly:
I'm kinda thinking about being a housewife, or an actress. Do you think I'll be a good actress Zack?

Zack:
Well fantastic! Every night you star in my dreams!

Screech:
Will you go to the prom with me?

Lisa:
Yeah, I'll go.

Screech:
YOU WILL??

Lisa:
I'll go with you when worms have ears!

Screech:
You're weakening.

Needik:
Where's Slater?

Screech:
I killed him! I wanted first crack at you!

Slater:
Screech, what are you doing?

Screech:
Cruising for chicks.

Slater:
In the boys' locker room?

Screech:
(to Needik) Your mom's ugly, your dad's ugly and your dog's ugly!

Screech:
(to Slater) Don't talk about his dog!

Zack:
I like school. It's a good way to kill time between weekends. It gives me five days to plan my Saturday night.

Mr. Belding:
Screech you can't elope!

Screech:
Who are you calling cantaloupe you melon head?

Kelly:
Okay, so when do we start?

Screech:
Well, tonight, but it has to be at my place. I'm not allowed out after ALF.

Max:
How about four friends, with a Screech on the side?

Mr. Tuttle:
You gave away your inventory? The goal of this project is to run a successful business.

Zack:
We'd rather be friends.

Mr. Tuttle:
I see.

Lisa:
So, we're ready for whatever grades you wanna give us.

Jessie:
But please don't make it too low. I hyperventilate.

Mr. Tuttle:
Spano, raise that chin. [as the students hum "Glory, Glory Hallelujah" before the song itself is heard in the background] If you learn that it was a mistake for a company to be cold, calculating, and cutthroat, if you learned that it's better to be happy, healthful, and humane, why, then you've learned the best business lesson of all. You all get an A!

[Zack and his friends all cheer and high five]

Zack:
So I can watch The Young and the Restless.

Jessie:
It's more the Blonde and the Useless.

Screech:
You homewrecker stay away from my mommy!

Slater:
She's not your mommy!

Screech:
Is that true, daddy?

Zack:
I'm not your daddy!

Screech:
I'm an orphan.

Jessie:
Slater, haven't you heard of the Women's Movement?

Slater:
Sure...Put on something cute and MOVE it into the kitchen.

Lisa:
Lisa no en casa.

Screech:
I love it when you speak German!

Jessie:
Slater, since we're together, I think we should share the household chores.

Slater:
Sure, you cook and I'll eat

Mr. Belding:
Do you boys take these girls to be your school wives?

Zack:
Oh, you bet!

Slater:
I guess.

Screech:
WHA-HOO!

Mr. Belding:
That's what Mrs. Belding said when we got married. Girls?

Kelly:
I do.

Jessie:
I do.

Lisa:
I don't.

Mr. Dewey:
You make light of algebra now, but when you're all grown up and your friends are making logarithm jokes at cocktail parties, you won't have a clue as to what everybody's laughing at.

Lisa:
On behalf of the new student body president: Jessica Myrtle Spano!

Class:
Myrtle???

Jessie:
I'm interested in the student body.

Zack:
I'm interested in a student body... (looks at Kelly) Hers.

Jessie (on Zack's propaganda video):
That made a mocracy of demockery!

Lisa (on Jessie's campaign for school president):
I'm going to tell you this as gently as I can - you're going down the toilet.

Zack:
Mr. Belding, I want to give you a peace offering. Here is California Girls by the Beach Boys.

Mr. Belding:
I already have that album, Zack!

Zack:
Uh, this one has, uh, been remixed with...Dolby sound!

Mr. Belding:
Well OK, but you are still on the hook for meeting with your mother tomorrow.

Later when reciting subliminal messages

Zack{on tape}:
Zack Morris is a good kid.

Zack{on tape}:
Zack Morris is a great guy.

Zack{on tape}:
Zack Morris is the son I've never had.

Kelly:
He is the kind of boy every girl dreams of.

Kelly and Jessie:
Great Looking, smart and funny. Yes, that's Zack Morris.

Zack (on tape):
Zack Morris is a ten.

Kelly:
Ha! Two fives is more like it!

Lisa (subliminally tricked into falling for Screech):
I'm stuck with three and seven left.

Zack (on tape):
Zack Morris is a blonde Tom Cruise.

Mr. Belding:
[while putting on buttoned sweater] I'm taking a different approach with you, Zack.

Zack:
[Observes Belding's sweater] So you're gonna be "Mr. Rogers"?

Mr. Belding:
You're in the neighborhood.

Zack:
Alright, maybe the first day didn't turn out as I planned, but hey I'm just warming up. I love school. Too bad classes get in the way.

Mr. Dewey:
O.K. settle down everyone, I'm Mr. Dewey how was everyone's summer, mine stunk let's get started.

Zack:
We weren't arguing.

Slater:
We were doing a math problem, how two and one won't go.

Mr. Dewey:
I don't believe it and I don't care, I'm tired, I have a toothache and I have to go home and pump iron.

Zack:
Hi, you're new here. I'm Zack Morris.

Slater:
And I'm Roger Rabbit, so what?

Slater:
(to Kelly) (putting onion ring on her finger) I think we're engaged.

Kelly:
I think I'm gonna cry.

Zack:
That makes two of us.

Mr. Belding:
I didn't start it, you started when you planted poison ivy on our football field.

Mr. Stingwell:
That was kind of rash, wasn't it?

Slater:
We pumped helium in Valley's music room. Now their Glee Club sounds like the Chipmunks.

[he, Zack, and Screech inhale helium from balloons]

Zack, Slater & Screech:
[higher-pitched voices] Oh when the saints come marching in!

Zack:
We only made $53 selling Lisa's clothes. So, she had to do the most humiliating, insulting, degrading thing possible for her - get a job.

Lisa is seen waiting tables at The Max

Customer:
Miss, this isn't what I ordered. You were supposed to toast my buns!

Lisa:
You want toasted buns? Go sit on a microwave!

Lisa drops tray

Lisa:
I'm sorry, Max.

Max:
That's okay. It's only the third tray you've dropped. Don't worry about it.

Zack:
How's she doing? Let me put it another way: If Lisa were a car, she'd be recalled.

[Jessie hands Zack a shaver]

Zack:
(touching his face) I don't need to shave.

Jessie:
Your legs.

Jessie:
You macho pig!

Slater:
Oink oink, baby!